I might make this my next tattoo, for future reference, so I don't ever forget this fucked up lesson, 'Just because you want something, it doesn't mean you're going to get it, and you're definitely not gonna get it just because you want it'.

I want a life with Sky and the kids more than anything. More than reconciling with my family, more than a successful career, and here's the kicker, I want it more than drugs, alcohol and sex. But what I've been learning in rehab and therapy is that just because I want it, and I'm working my ass off to earn it, doesn't mean I'm gonna get it.

One of the ugly truths of sobriety is, especially if you're an addict like me, is that when you fuck up with the people you love, they don't have to let you back in. They don't have to forgive you, they don't have to believe or trust you. And fuck me, I have to be ok with that.

Spoiler alert .... I'm not ok with that. I just don't know what the fuck I can do about it. My family welcomed me back with open arms and forgiveness, along with a few qualifiers.

1. I needed to get into an inpatient rehab for at least 90 days

2. I had to have intensive counseling, whatever the rehab docs recommended, for years

3. I have to be sober for 3 months before I can see Jase

4. When I come out of rehab, I have to live with a sober companion for at least 6 more months

5. I have to have a full medical workup to acknowledge and eliminate the health risks I pose to others. (truth is, I get insurance checks for tours, so its not like I'm completely ignorant, just mostly ignorant. I'm not gonna put out there what I've had to deal with, but just know, nothing has been chronic or permanant, just antibiotic worthy. Fuck, this is so humiliating.)

6. I have to leave Sky and the kids alone if that is what Sky wants

Items 1 - 5, no problem, I'm on board, I need it, and honestly, I want it. Number 6, fuck no, I can't do that, I can't leave it up to her because she'll never let me back in. I've got no fuckin power over my own life. My instincts are to help Sky, be there, be the person she can count on. As my counselor Ike told me "Why the fuck do you think that she would ever trust you with her life or the kids lives? What the fuck have you shown her to trust in the past 5 years?".

Well fuck me. I've shown her a drunken, drugged, sexed up asshole, and if she ever saw the sex tapes, then she really saw what a loser I've been. So, not the kind of guy she is gonna look to for support and strength, definitely not the guy to help her raise the kids.

The kicker is, now that I'm fully on board with sobriety, rehab, living a real life, I'm working hard at it. But now, I can't help or be with the ones I love.

As happy as my family is to have me back, their happy is balanced with equal amounts of anger, hurt, distrust and disgust. So when they've come to family days, and family therapy days at rehab, I'm not getting all the love, sometimes I get no love. Sometimes I see my mom and even my dad cry. I see Kel and Mel struggle to trust in my efforts. I've dealt with the intense anger and disappointment my bandmates have in me, in fact, I'm facing the very real possibility that when I'm done here, I'll be out of the band.

And still, I'm fuckin doing it. My goal is straight ahead of me, though the reward sometimes seems unattainable. In my weakest moments, I don't crave the sex, that wasn't the biggest problem. My biggest hurdle is craving the oblivion of nothingness when the pain of my failures is so raw. So though I have wanted that oblivion since I've gotten here, especially after my therapy sessions, I haven't tried to escape or score. Sometimes I'm so fuckin sad and empty, I think about it, but so far, I've been able to reel myself back in with therapy or talking with some of my fellow rehabbers, and finally my music.

Trying to find coping mechanisms, new tools for my life, stress avoidance strategies, I'm working and trying, but fuck, I'm hurting too. I've got the jargon, the guidance, the instructions, now I just have to be able to believe in myself to sort me the fuck out.

Growing up I was your basic So Cal kid. I skateboarded, biked, surfed and snowboarded, and I loved all those things. I'd be doing them right now if I could get to the beach or mountains. But mostly, I found my passion and calm in music. I can play a fuckload of instruments, because I can get fucking lost in music. One of the reasons I play so many instruments is that it can be challenging and tiring learning them, and anything that tired me out, helped my brain quiet.

My unquiet brain is something I'm also learning about. Apparently I have a bit of ADD/ADHD, not excusing my fucked up life for the past 5 years, but info to help me avoid the shitty choices I've been making up till now. Ike tells me that I look outside myself for the coping with stress and brain noise. When I was younger it was sports, music, family and Sky, mostly internal help. After I left home, the music wasn't enough anymore, and I found the easy out of drugs and alcohol, external crutches.

Basically, I've got to grow the fuck up and figure out how to be enough in my own life, respect my life enough not to endanger it with bad choices. Then I can have relationships with others where I can count on them, and they can count on me. Why the fuck does this sound so unobtainable sometimes?

Also, what I've learned in rehab, we/I rehabbers talk about ourselves constantly. Poor me, I didn't mean to fuck up, I didn't mean to hurt you, I just indulged myself with enough bad decisions to land myself here for 90 days. Jeez, I'm so sick of listening to me talk about me. I'm an asshole, I'm sick of me, I want to lose myself in goodness and sweet. Drown in love and good people. I fucking want Sky and the kids.

I want to start being part of my family, my band, my Sky. I want to be someone who helps, someone my people can rely on, someone worthy of their love. Because they sure as fuck have my love.

I'm not allowed to talk to Sky, but I sure as fuck am communicating with her. She might not know I am, but I'm writing music again, I'm playing my guitar and drums, and I've been writing her letters. When I hit 60 days sober, I'm gonna send her my letters and some of the music. She doesn't have to write back, but I hope she'll see how I'm thinking.

Ike says I have to make the foundation of my healthier life, I have to take the time to build up better habits and a more positive inner dialog. Ok, I'm fucking trying, I'm doing every fucking thing I can to get me strong and healthy, so I can be the man my people need. So I'm fucking begging, and I'm fucking praying to all fucking religions, and people who are spiritual, and people who aren't spiritual, just people who are good, please have a good thought for me, and those like me, who have fucked everything up too damn much for too damn long.