The funeral is done, the reception is over, the guests have left, but the ghosts are in full attendance.

The ghosts of the family we said good-bye to today, the ghosts of childhood Sky and Tuck, the ghost of the man I used to be, and whom my family still mourns.

It fucking sucks to see my mom and dad watching me throughout this whole tragic day, watching and waiting for me to guzzle back a couple bottles of oblivion, maybe smoke up in the back yard, pop some kind of zone out from life pill. Because this is what I've done to them, they only have the experience of the adult Tucker Holloway as a complete and total fuck up.

Zero confidence in the words I've told them, the words I believe. Because their experience with me is that I'm a lying, drunk and drugged out loser. As much as I want them to see and hear me right now, I have to show them, prove to them, that I am again, someone to love and trust.

One of the most painful parts of the day, was the fact that Sky didn't seek me out. Not by searching for me, talking to me, looking to me for support. I have been such a non-entity in her life for the past 5 years that I don't really even exist in her day-to-day reality anymore.

Before I left on that first tour, we had wordless communication. We knew and understood how the other one thought and felt. For me that hasn't changed. I see her struggle with being strong, putting on the game face for everyone else, especially the kids. I still know her heart, see the grief and feel the shock she's still trying to process.

There were a few moments today, when I felt her curious eyes on me, looking to me, almost to ascertain that I was still here, that I hadn't once again disappeared on her. At those times, when our eyes met, she'd quickly look away, as if embarrassed she'd been caught. I'm gonna work to get her to look to me for support and love, confirmation that I'm here now, and I'll be here forever.

I swear to fuck I didn't realize how far away my family had slipped until today. I'm a fucking stranger here, with only myself to blame.

It blows my mind to realize I've been gone 5 years. Gone physically, gone mentally, gone emotionally. I still feel like the 18 year old kid that left for the worldwide concert tour. I still love my family and Sky. For the past 5 years I've loved Sky, always knowing that we would be together when I was ready to break away from the drug and sex fest. I thought I was just keeping her in the background, until I was ready to man up and claim her.

Jokes on me though, because she didn't wait alone and patient in the background. Sky kept living and growing, maturing and seeking out a new adult life and the experiences that go with it. According to my family and her social media, she graduated college, had best friends and boy friends, fell in and out of love, worked and lived in a world that I was absolutely no part of. And the evidence shows she didn't just live, she fucking thrived.

I'm a selfish fuck. I thought I could have all the super easy sleazy sex and still end up with the woman of my dreams. I almost lost the chance to get my girl. But I know we're still meant to be together, I just have to show her I'm back, and I'm serious about taking back my girl.

Grabbing a cold bottle of water, I head into the back yard, and find myself climbing up the rickety steps to our old tree house. Sitting on the landing, I look down to see my brother crossing the yard and heading over to me. He raises the beer in his hand and tips it to me, asking if I want one. I hold up my water and shake my head. Climbing up the creaky steps he pauses and asks,

"Um, dude, this is safe right? I mean I'm not gonna break these steps and fall down, it's like about 100 feet right?"

"Only about 15 feet you wuss, and I'm honestly not sure how safe they are. I don't think they've been checked out since they were installed, enter at your own risk buddy."

I slide over to make room for Kell, both of us sitting together in what was once the pride and joy of our young lives. It's fucking nice to be with Kell and not feel his anger and disappointment. My brother has always been my hero, I guess I was kind of anesthetizing his disapproval with the drugs and drink. But right now, it feels like us, just brothers.

"Thanks for all you're doing Tuck, I'm fucking proud of you, and honestly, relieved too. I hope this isn't just a temporary thing, but that you're really honestly and truly ready to get back to your life and the people who really love you. I swear we were about to lose hope that you were coming back to us. You are back, right man?"

His eyes are deep and burning into me with the loaded question.

"Yeah, I'm gonna do whatever I need to fix everything with you guys. I swear I don't know how I got so far gone. I've been thinking since I got home, it's kinda like I left on the tour 5 years ago, and just now arrived home. Like that whole time period is vacant and over, and I didn't fuckin betray and hurt everyone I love. Once I left, I fuckin changed man. It's not like I was enjoying and loving what I was doing. Half the time I was getting loaded to forget what I did the night before. I think I've been hiding from myself since I left. I don't fuckin get it or understand it. Every time I thought about how I was letting you, mom and dad, Sky and the band down, I'd just double up on the partying to try and forget again."

Tilting back my water and finishing the bottle, I shake my head and toss the empty to the ground below.

"The first concert I played, that night at the Garden in NY, I felt invincible. Fucking on top of the world. When I ran off stage I was gonna call Sky and tell her how amazing it was. As I ran off the stage, there were all these girls, fucking sexy and almost fuckin naked, they were fighting to blow me and fuck me, shoving bottles and tits in my hands and mouth, it was like I was in a porn heaven. Every one of my senses was hitting maximum capacity. I had never had sex before, and all of a sudden I'm fucking two girls at once! Like what the fuck man! That first night was insane, I don't know how many girls I fucked, I know it was more than 10 though, because I remember laughing that I'd hit double digits. Getting drunk was easy, no fake ID to worry about, everyone always trying to get on my good side. That first night, some girl gave me some X and some coke, man it was unreal. I was warm and floating, I fucking came so many times that night, with so many different girls, I was so fucking high. The next day I woke up, naked chicks all over my hotel room, fuck, there were naked guys everywhere too. I was completely freaked out. I didn't know who or what I fucked. What I drank or what I even took. All I could think about was how I fucking betrayed Sky. I kept seeing her sweet loving face, smiling at me. Fuck, like if she'd ever smile at me again if she saw what I'd done in that hotel room. We'd never promised each other we'd wait, it was just kind of unspoken that we belonged to each other. I was afraid to call her or talk to her because then she'd know what an asshole I was. So I started calling her less, and texting instead. But then I could tell she was sad because we weren't talking, so I called her. You know what she said to me? She said she hoped I was having fun, to not worry about her, just take care of myself and be careful because she missed me and she worried about me. Here I was in all these fucked up drug fueled orgies, and she's worrying about me. I felt like the biggest fucking liar. So every night, I'd fuck girls, suck back booze and take whatever the hell drug that was offered to me. I just kept telling myself, as long as Sky didn't know about it, then everything would be ok. I'd do a couple of tours, fuck whoever I wanted, then we'd get together like a real couple, I'd leave all the party stuff behind and move forward."

Kell shakes his head, I know he's always felt guilty about me being young on the tour, like he should have protected me, but it's my fault, I was totally in charge.

"I'm so sorry Tuck, I should have helped you man, I was kinda lost in my own world too, I let you down."

Putting my arm around him I pull him tight, holding him hard in my grip.

"No, it was me, I was fuckin 18 years old and I knew what I was doing. You, Jake and Dom didn't lead me down the rabbit hole, I did that all by myself. I gotta own it, and you gotta let me. The night that Sky came to the concert, and saw me fuckin those girls, shit, I don't even really remember that night, except what you guys told me. Fuck, it was like a hundred nights before, and ten thousand nights after. I think that I gave up that morning, I just felt so fuckin guilty and dirty. I could bathe in bleach and antibiotics for a year and never be clean enough for her. I just wanted to escape how bad I made her feel. I wanted to erase the look of sadness and anger I saw in her eyes. I tried to call her and text her, but she really never responded like we used to talk, she'd have this fake happy voice, and tried to avoid talking about real stuff. It hurt so fuckin much, I started only contacting her when I was loaded. I'm sure you can imagine how that went over. The last text she ever sent me she was trying to remind me about your wedding. I'd fucking stopped talking to her for years, and she was still so sweet trying to help me get to your wedding. Which I fucking missed because I was an asshole."

Kell looked at me and kind of smirked,

"I think you mean "Uncle Ashole", right?"

Closing my eyes I shake my head, breathing deeply and trying to keep the tears inside, I look at him hard, so he knows how important this is to me.

"My nephew thinks my name is Asshole. He feels he has to protect his mom from me, because I make her sad and cry. He doesn't even know me, last night he wasn't even sure who I was because he so rarely sees me in person. I mean shit man, he fucking introduced himself to me.

I want to change things, I need to change how you guys see me, and I really need to get Sky back. I've loved her my whole fuckin life, and for the first part I was really good to her and for her. The past 5 years I've been a toxic poison to everyone I love."

Keller leans back and sighs, we're both looking over at the Strickland house, wondering what's going on inside, if things might be a little better now than they were an hour ago, hoping that things will improve for the three people inside.

"I really didn't know you still cared about her, there were times I thought you might. But to be honest, it didn't seem like you really cared about anyone, mom and dad, me or even Sky. After that NY concert, Ty and I worked to keep you away from her, but after a couple of months, we didn't have to try anymore, you just were out of her life, you evaporated man. She was so fuckin sad for a long time, you really hurt her, she wouldn't talk about it with Ty, but I think she might have with Rach. Anyway, you were totally out of her world, she moved on man. I mean she was on fire, graduated at the top of her class at NYU, she's got a job working on scripts at Magnolia Films, she's had relationships, hell, she was almost engaged to Lucas, but she turned the guy down. I don't know what to say Tuck, but I really think it's too late for you. Why do you even want to go back? You don't even know her anymore, hell, you're my brother and we work together and I don't know you anymore. Maybe you shouldn't look backwards, but perhaps just move forward."

There's nothing I can do but just laugh, the crazy idea that I could ever move on from Skyler Sanborn. Truthfully, I don't think she really moved on from me either.

"I get why you'd think that, you and Ty never realized how close Sky and I were. There is no future me without her, it's not me looking back, it's me fuckin finally moving forward in my life. Call it fate, destiny, what the fuck ever, but it's Sky and me."

Hitting me in the shoulder, Kell looks at me and smiles, a real smile, with his eyes and heart.

"Ok, I get it, I'm glad you want back in the family, I'll help you where I can. But know, if I think that Sky is better without you, then as Tys best friend, I'm gonna do everything I can to keep you away from her. Love you man, but I love her too, and Ty isn't here to watch out for her anymore, it's my job now."

"No Kell, it's my job. It's always been my job to take care of her, I've just been failing at taking care of her for a fuckin long time, but now I'm back for my girl."

Climbing back down the steps, I feel a sharp kick to my shoulder and I fall back the last 5 feet and land on my ass.

Kell's laughing at me, super fuckin pleased with himself.

"Yeah, that felt good, you deserved that and more little bro, catch ya later!"

He goes tearing in to the house, probably thinking that I'm fast on his tail, but I have other plans. Picking up our empties from the ground, I dump them in the trash and head over to Sky.