If I didn't know before, I certainly do now, I am truly a stranger in my own family. Jake had let mom and dad, Kell and Mel know that I was staying at a hotel in town, and I'd be here for whatever they needed me to do. When I arrived at the hotel last night, after taking a shower I sat in the room for a couple of hours, trying to figure out how I let my life spin so far out of control.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted by the mini bar in my room. I stared at those bottles, at some of the shit I'd brought with me, and I really fought the urge to escape into nothingness. I've jumped into the drug oblivion consistently since I went on tour that first time at 18 fucking years old. And I know the solution to the guilt, the anger at myself, the utter shit of a life I've created, well, the answer to all this swirling around my head is a handful of pills and a couple of bottles. I also know, that when I wake up, however long after I take those first drinks and pills, that I'll wake up worse off than I am now.

As tempting as it is, I'm so fucking tired. Tired of waking up not knowing what went on the day, or hell, the week before. Tired of learning about the people I care about and their lives through fucking social media. Tired of seeing the constant disappointment and sadness in my parents eyes. Tired of seeing the sadness and anger in my brothers eyes. Tired of seeing my bandmates fury directed at me because I can't keep up with the music because I'm too fucking out of it. I'm tired or being a loser, deadweight, heartbreak and disappointment to those I care about.

I could tell everyone that I'm back, I'm good, I'm sober, I'm here to fix my fuckups, but who would believe me? Hell, I don't know if I can fix my life, I don't even know where to start. Well fuck, I guess I start by not popping a pill or drinking a bottle. So in this rare and bizarre moment of clarity, I flush my stash and dump the mini bar. I phone down to the desk and ask them not to restock alcohol in my room. Looking at my haggard appearance in the mirror, I know if I don't make a change now, I'm gonna be dead soon. I can't, I don't want to live like this anymore.

Around 7:30 last night I got in my car and drove over to my parents. Knocking on the door felt so strange, like, shouldn't I just walk in? It's the house I grew up in, my parents home, yet I haven't been here in years. Fuck, it's actually been years since I walked through the door of my parents home, I don't think I belong here to this house, or to the people in it anymore.

Standing at the door of the house I grew up in, is surreal. It's the same, warm, inviting, a beautiful sky overhead, showing off an amazing sunset. Everything about this place is loving, warm, welcoming. Yet I stand here, outside, a stranger looking in at the anchor of my childhood, the foundation of safety that I abandoned. I'm a stranger to this house, the people inside it, the people who I've known my entire life. Fuck, I'm a stranger to me, who the fuck have I become?

Kell opened the door and just stared at me, in shock at first, and then, I realized that he was doing a sobriety inventory. Trying to see if I was high, stoned, drunk. or more than likely, all three together. After he saw I was sober, he looked behind me to see if I had any skanky entourage. As ashamed as that made me feel, I was only angry with myself, I did this, not him.

"Hey Kell, I came by to see if I could help with anything. I'm staying at the hotel in town, I don't want to cause any problems with you guys."

Kell stares at me hard, I don't know if he wants to hit me, or slam the door in my face. I've definitely earned both responses. Suddenly he pulls me hard against him, his arms wrap around me tight, holding me hard for a deep hug. In a raspy voice he says.

"Love you man, thanks for coming, this means the world to all of us."

He pulls back, looks at me hard again, draws back and punches me in the left bicep.

"Fuck man! That hurt!"

With an evil look on his face, he chuckles softly.

"Yeah man, I'm glad it hurt, but what the fuck are you knocking on the door for? This is still your home asshole!"

He runs his hand through my hair, he'd be messing it up if I'd brushed it at any point in the last 48 hours. This used to bug the crap out of me when we were younger. Now, it just brings tears to my eyes, and gives me a rush of feeling in my heart that I haven't felt for I don't know how long. Fuck, I haven't felt this kind of emotion, love, in fucking years. Shit, I've so completely fucked my life.

"I love you man, I'm so fucking sorry." I choke out the words, as my eyes fill with tears, my heart fills with pain, and I feel just the tiniest bit hopeful that I might be able to find my way back.

I'm fucking home.

As I walk into the family room, I see my mom standing by my father, wary eyes are watching me. Following me through the room, probably waiting for me to get a drink or tell them I'm off to a party.

"Hey mom, dad, I hope I'm not interrupting, I just wanted to be with you guys. I can't believe this happened to the Stricklands. What can I do to help?" My voice comes out with a rasp, I'm trying to be strong, but inside, I feel like a fuckin kid that wants to cry in my moms arms.

Mom runs over to me, wraps me in her arms and love, I can feel her tears falling on my chest.

"Tucker honey, I'm so glad you're here. We all need to pull together to get through this, and to help Skyler and the babies. We need you with us baby."

I turn to the side and see dad and Mel standing there, I shake dads hand, and we give each other a half-bro hug. My dads grip is hard, almost punishing. It's like he's not sure if he wants to love me or hurt me. Again, he probably wants to do both.

"Thanks dad, I'm so sorry about everything."

I don't know if I'm apologizing for the past fucked up years, or for the tragedy that happened to his best friends family. Fuck it, that's too fuckin week to be an apology for all the shit I've thrown their way in the past 5 years. If I apologize every day for the next 100 years it won't be enough.

Mel is standing awkwardly next to my father, probably waiting for another dick comment from me.

I turn from my mom, and grab Mel, throwing my arms around her and drawing her in for a big hug. I speak softly into her ear so no one else can hear.

"Hi Mel, I'm so sorry I've been a dick to you for so long. You and Jase are the best thing that's ever happened to my brother, thank you for making him so happy. I swear I'll never treat you disrespectfully again. I love you."

Mel pulls back, her face is the picture of shock, and she starts to speak but then is interrupted by my 4-year-old nephew.

"Uncle Ashole, do you remember me? I'm Jase!"

He stands next to his mom, a protective arm thrown around her leg.

"Don't be mean to my mom, if you make her cry again, I'll make you cry too!"

The kid is giving me his most evil glare.

"Dude, if I make your mom cry ever again, you have total permission to make me cry! I was a jerk to your mom, but I won't do that anymore, I'm sorry I made your mom sad. Can we be friends now? Maybe you call me Uncle Tuck, instead of Uncle Ashole?"

"Ummmm, I don't know, my daddy said your name is Ashole, not Tuck, I'll ask him." Then the kid runs off to do whatever the hell kids do.

My parents fill me in the details of the accident, how everything fell on Skys shoulders, and not surprisingly, how amazing she's been handling it all. The funeral will be at Saint Mathews, where we all were baptized and confirmed. Followed by the reception at mom and dads house. After talking about everything but Skyler, I finally broach the topic.

"I'm gonna go over to Skys house, say hi, see if I can do anything to help her. After that I'm gonna head back to the hotel, I'll be back here by 7:00 tomorrow morning."

I stand and start to head out.

Kell puts a hand on my shoulder, stopping me.

"I don't think you should go over there yet. She's pretty raw right now, and you guys haven't talked in fucking forever. I think you probably also have some fucked up conversations that need to be had. Just not now. Give her some time, I know you were friends, but you aren't anymore. You haven't talked to her for how many years?"

I feel like the wind was sucked out of my lungs. I'm now so far apart from Sky that me trying to offer her comfort would actually cause her more stress and upset. How the fuck did I do this?

"Oh, that's the last thing I want to do, I just really want to see her, tell her I love her and I'm sorry."

I look at Kell, my fucking heart is on my sleeve, and written all over my face.

Kell steers me out of the family room, into the living room where no one can over hear our conversation.

"Yeah, I know Tuck, it's just not the right time. You've got to give her some time to get used to being a mom. Hell, she's got to get used to seeing you around. Fuck, she probably didn't even think that you'd be here. I mean, are you even really gonna be here? Are you? How long are you planning on staying?"

Fucking valid question, and I give him the only honest answer I have.

"I'm staying for as long as it takes for me to fix all the fucking damage that I've done to you guys and to Sky. I'm home for forever if it takes me that long to prove to her that I'm the man she knew, and that I'll never let her down again. I mean it Kell, I know that I've caused nothing but hurt for Sky, Mom and Dad, you, Mel and Jase for the past couple of years. I've fucked up my job, my family, and the girl I thought was mine. I did this all on my own, I don't blame anyone but me. But fuck me Kell, I swear I'm gonna fix it all. I can't imagine my life without my family or not having Sky. Believe me, I'm serious, I'm here for whatever she needs me to do."

Kell stares at me, not comprehending that I just laid my heart out and basically told him I've got no life without Sky.

"Ok man, ok. I get it, but you've got to give her some space, let her get used to seeing you around. This is all a fuckin major change for her. She hasn't lived at home for years, now she's back in her childhood home, a mom to two kids, and a fuckin orphan. She's doing it all, a great job, but believe me, she's feeling like a feather in the wind right now."

I nod, hating that he's right, hating more that he knows her so much better than I do.

"Yeah, I got you, I'm gonna head out now, I don't wanna fuck anything up any more than I already have. I appreciate the help and advice Kell, I don't deserve it, but I mean it, thanks."

Another half hug, and I slip out of the door. Jogging across the side yard, I sit under a tree that is below Skys bedroom window. The light is on, it's after 10:00, so I'm assuming that the kids are asleep. I don't want to spy on her, I don't want to invade her privacy, I really just want to know that I am close to her. Breathing air in the same vicinity as her is a rush. I feel a strength and a confidence fill me that I can do this, I can fix the damage that I've put on those that I love the most.

Leaning against the tree, I close my eyes and try to breathe deeply and calmly. I start to hear a soft guitar, Sky is playing one of the first songs I taught her. I smile to myself, I wonder if she can sense that I'm out here, and that's why she chose this song, a song that used to mean everything to the both of us. She's playing our song.

Patience, by Guns and Roses.

Getting to my parents at 7:00am, like I promised, yet they all seemed to be completely surprised that I showed. I told them I'd be here, but I guess the bar is pretty damn low for their expectations of me.

Mom sent me straight to the church, I need to meet the florist, and the caterers who will be setting up for coffee, tea, water and light snacks. Father O'Malley also wants me to look at the microphone at the lectern, which apparently has been acting up, and since I sing into a mic, I guess it's assumed I know how all sound-systems work. I have no idea how this system works, I'm usually shitfaced at sound check, if I even make it there.

It's not lost on me that they are keeping me away from the house, away from where Sky might see me. I'm sad about this, but I'm not a total idiot, I know the last thing she needs is a nightmare from her past showing up on this fucked up day.

Walking into the church, the first thing I see are the four urns sitting in front of the altar. Damnit, I can't believe this is happening. Like my parents and brother, the Strickland family were truly some of the best people I've ever met. I squandered the last couple years, wasted it by not seeing them, fighting with Tyler whenever I saw him, and ignoring or being a dick to Rachel because she was a friend to Mel.

Fuck, I've wasted so fucking much time. Time I will never get back, people I loved that I will never see again. No way in hell am I gonna continue on the shitty self absorbed, self destructive path I've been on for the past 5 years.

People start arriving around 9:15, by 9:45 the church is pretty much full. The ushers are going to be seating people in the side aisles and in the outer patio. So many people loved the Strickland's, the attendance today is far more than anyone expected.

The front pews are set up for family. Sky and the kids will be sitting with mom, dad, Kell, Mel and Jase. I don't want to freak Sky out, she doesn't know I'm here yet, so I'm gonna stand on the side aisle. I've positioned myself so I can see her, send her any kind of support I can, I wish I could hold her, and comfort her, but I have to do the work to repair us before I get the reward of holding her.

Watching her comfort and care for the kids is heart wrenching. She may not feel confident in being a mom yet, but her every instinct and thought is directed right to those kids. She's constantly holding them, kissing them, touching them. When she was giving her eulogy, she was holding Nell is her arms, in the middle of it, Colt left the pew, and walked up to her so he could hold on to her legs. I hope she realizes how much they love her and depend on her.

Towards the end of the funeral, she must have felt my eyes on her, as she turned and realized it was me, her first reaction was almost a smile, that then it morphed into a shocked curious look, which quickly changed to a sad expression. I was trying to send her love, like we used to do, our voodoo mind fuckery. Talk without words, give a message without speaking, just heart to heart. I think she got it. She saw me, then smiled at me, for the first time in about 5 years, she smiled at me. It was small and short lived, but I saw it. I FELT it. I can fix this, I will fix us.

It doesn't matter if it takes me the rest of my life, I'm going to show this girl she can count on me. I'm gonna be the man she wants, the man she can count on, the man I've never been, but the man my parents raised.