I've got this nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something. I lost my phone again, so I have no fucking clue what I'm missing. We were rage partying at a couple of clubs last night. The blow and the X were out of this world. We ended up at a party in some hotel, naked girls and guys everywhere. It was so fucking decadent and trashy even I felt a little dirty. But not dirty enough to not partake. Hey when a girl greets you at the door naked then rubs her body all over yours then kisses you and rolls a couple of tablets onto your tongue with her tongue, you kinda have to roll with it. Literally. And fuck me, did I roll.

The truth is I'm feeling really kind of tired and down about all the fucked up shit I've been getting into. I don't feel like I'm a part of the band really at all anymore, I show up, I play, and honestly, I usually play like shit. But I don't connect with the guys, we don't talk, we don't collaborate, I have no clue what they are all doing. I'm like a total stranger to the guys in my band.

I haven't even been writing music. Fuck, I used to play and write every day for hours. The first couple of albums I contributed at least half of the material. Jake and I would spend weeks perfecting songs and ideas, now I don't have a single song on the new album

I call Kells girlfriend Yoko, and blame her for trying to keep me out, but I know in my heart that it's all on me. I don't know why the fuck I'm doing the shit I'm doing. I don't even really have fun with it anymore. Fuck, most of the time I don't even know what I did until I see a picture or a video of it the next day.

And fuck, the goddamn pictures and videos. My parents are so fucking ashamed of me. I don't even go home anymore because I feel so fucking embarrassed, I can't even look my mom in the eye. The last holiday I spent with my family was the Christmas before my first tour. I used to promise them I'd be there, but after a while I stopped even saying that I'd try to stop by, no one believed me anyway. Hell, I didn't believe me, why should anyone else?

I last went home for a few days the November after I left. By that point I already had a couple of sex tapes out there, all made without my knowledge or permission, because I was fucking ripped off my ass when someone started recording.

I was surprising my parents at their house, and they had no idea that I was showing up. Before I went to the house, I walked into the market to pick up some flowers to give my mom, and the first person I saw was Sky. I hadn't seen her since my fuck up at the after party. Kell beat my ass up the day after I had a fucking orgy in front of her, all drugged up, I apparently even asked her to join in. When Kell told me all that I'd done I went up to her room to apologize. Sky had left, but Tyler was there to throw a couple more punches at me. I didn't even try to defend myself, so fucking ashamed that I'd hurt my sweet girl.

My sweet girl.

Fuck if that will ever happen now. I honestly always thought we'd end up together. I thought I'd have some fun with groupies, slut it up on tour for a few years, then come home, calm down, and claim my girl.

She never knew it, but she always was my girl, my best friend, the smartest most beautiful girl I've ever seen. But I screwed that up but good. Like the Stricklands or Tyler would ever let me within 1,000 feet of her.

When I saw her in the market it was so fucking awkward. She couldn't look me in the eye, I pulled her in for a hug and she was stiff and strange feeling. Then some dick from school comes up and puts his arm around her, and goes all "Babe, lets hurry up, everybody's waiting for us."

So yeah, she'd moved on, and wasn't waiting for me. But why would she? I'd literally fucked two girls in front of her. I treated the best girl I knew like trash. I never told her how I felt, I assumed she felt the same, and when the time came for me to man up and let her know my true feelings, yeah, well we know how that played out.

I used to hear what was going on with her from Kell, my parents or Tyler, but now they try to keep everything from me. I don't ask them anymore, I just stalk her on IG and whatever other social media platform I can find her on.

She looks happy, she has a boyfriend, she has a job, she's in college, and she has friends. She has a life and I'm not even the smallest part of it.

So, after realizing that I've lost yet another phone, I'm headed over to a store to buy another new phone, hopefully get it set up so I can try to figure out what day it is and what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I'll stalk the girl that doesn't know or care that I'm alive.

Fuck.

My brother got married and I missed it.

I was fucked up on God knows how many drugs and having sex with who the fuck knows how many strangers when my brother married the girl he loves, and became a father to her son.

The pictures are all over social media with the surprise elopement of Keller and Melanie Holloway. The other surprise wedding that the media didn't care about as much was with manager of Clashed, Tyler and Rachel Strickland.

I fucking care about both of those weddings and all of those people, but I was so doped up that I fucked my way through the week and missed it.

In the official picture that was released, both couples are smiling at the camera, beaming with joy. But the person who captures my attention, whose image made my heart fucking jump in my chest, was Skyler. So fucking beautiful with her long white blonde hair, curled a little, tucked behind her ears. Huge blue eyes, and some kind of tight greenish dress that shows off her fucking figure of a super model. She's smiling into the camera, and I can see she's about to start laughing, her face is the literal picture of happiness and joy.

I was supposed to be there. Stand by my brother while he officially started his life with his true love, I was supposed to be a man and stand by his side. In the background I can see our parents and the Stricklands smiling at the couples. But if you look closely, you can see that my mom's eyes look sad, and my dad's smile is a little too tight and forced.

Once again, I've hurt everybody that I love.

Scrolling through my phone and a shit ton of unread texts I see the name that NEVER messages me anymore, the ONLY name I wish was here. But now I'm afraid to read the text because I know it's just gonna be more sadness and disappointment.

How fucked am I, I have her listed as SkyBlueLove, which she is, and she doesn't even know if she has the correct number because I'm such a fucking loser and haven't talked to her in forever.

This text came in almost 24 hours ago. Nothing else from Sky, nothing from my brother, nothing from my parents. They are all so used to being disappointed by me that they knew I was gonna miss it.

The only other text that is regarding the wedding and not drug or party or sex related is from my brothers now wife.

I want to hate Mel, but honestly, she loves Kell and he LOVES her and her son. I've been nothing but a dick to her, and she sends a message that is kind to me. I'm such a fuckin loser.

I don't even bother reading all the other shit texts, they're probably all about partying and fucking, from people I don't know or care about. I have to figure out how to make this up to Kell and Mel. I need to fly out to California and talk to them, not make excuses, just apologize and tell them I love them.

Hearing a knock on the door, I cross the room to answer it, as I get closer, I hear what sounds like several women outside my room. Opening the door, I'm greeted by three girls with stripper clothes on and my friend/drug buddy Nolan.

Nolan's all hopped up on something, his eyes are glowing and he's talking super fast, the girls look like they're on something also.

"Dude, I scored some amazing shit, we started a little earlier, but couldn't find you, so we circled back here to get the party going. The girls here are totally into whatever we want to do, in fact, they like to put on a show, so we thought we'd head down to that sex club that we hit up last time, let's get going man!"

As Ryder is talking one of the girls drops to her knees, lifts up her friends skirt and starts tonguing the girls bare pussy, then she smiles up at me and starts to unzip my pants and pull my cock out. We aren't even in my room, they're all in the hallway and she's going full porno. I take a couple of the pills that Nolan shoves my way, kind of sag against the door frame and wait for whatever feeling is gonna hit me. I don't know if I'll feel a rush fire in my veins, electric shocks in my dick or a slow warming euphoria. My skin starts to feel all prickly, like it's electrified, it's like a giant wave of sex and adrenalin is coursing through my veins. I'm starting to feel like I can rule the world, just fucking conquer every goddamn thing around.

Fuuuuckkkkk, I'm starting to feel like pure sex, my cock is harder than concrete and feels like its 20 inches long. I'm gonna fuck this girls throat till I cum, then I'm gonna fuck every girl that crosses my path, I'm fucking LIT! My heart is racing, I close my eyes, thread my fingers through her hair and yank her towards me, my dick choking her, hearing her spluttering and gagging has me almost coming on the spot.

And like that, all thoughts that don't concern my cock are gone, out the door, out of my mind.