“I don’t know h-how mm-much longer… I… I can h-handle living like this,” Lisa’s voice shook with continued sobs as tears streamed down her cheeks. It was August 6, 2012 and she was sitting in her kitchen with Elaine, pouring her heart out. She was too tired. Too tired of dealing with her husband, too tired of making calls that often went unanswered, too tired of having to do everything alone, too tired of pretending and keeping up appearances with his and her family, too tired of crying alone in the dark, too tired of feeling sad and depressed all the time, too tired of her marriage, too tired of her life to carry on. She was too tired in being tired.

Earlier that morning, she sent Jake to her dad’s house so she could spend the morning alone. Although she never intended to spend the morning wallowing in despair, she knew that crying might help her feel better. On so many previous occasions, crying provided the temporary relief she needed to continue on with her life. The despair she felt the whole week was tugging harder and she needed a way to get rid of it. At least for a little while if not permanently.

As she sat quietly in the living room after returning home from sending Jake, she contemplated on her life. Perhaps her mother was right. She did marry too early. Not many people in the 21st century marry at twenty. But she thought he was the right choice for her then. If you knew you’ve met your lifelong partner, why should you wait on starting a family? Besides, she heard that women who married late or have their first baby late, risked getting either a Down syndrome baby or worse, breast cancer. Now why would any woman risk that?

Seeing her life turned out this way, however, she wondered if she should have waited. Would her life have been better if she did? Sometimes she wondered if she would even have married him if she did wait. They argued a whole lot while they were dating. Many wondered why they decided to get married. If anyone asked her that question today, she would no longer know the answer to it. Years that went by have tarnished her once beautiful idea of marriage and family. Now she only saw marriage as a burden. Didn’t they say marriage was the number one reason for divorce? They’re probably right, Lisa thought.

As she continued sitting on the sofa, she thought about many things: how they met, their first date, his proposal, their first fight, their first make up, their wedding day, meeting his family members, and so many more memories that were mixed with happy and bitter sweet memories. A passerby might have assumed Lisa was transfixed for she was not moving any other parts of her body as she sat staring into nothingness.

After what felt like an hour, tears fell down both her cheeks. Slow and few in drops at first, setting the motion that would result in gushes of tears not many minutes later. As the tears flowed, her chest heaved slowly. She closed her eyes and let the tears flow, warming her cheeks in the process. Her mobile phone rang then, interrupting her. It was Elaine calling. Lisa left the phone ringing and debated about answering the call. Could she mask her voice well so that her friend will not know she was crying? Her mobile continued ringing. Before she could answer, the ringing died. Breathing a sigh of relief, her tears came streaming down once more as though the ringing had an automatic pause effect on her body.

This time, however, her crying didn’t last very long. When it felt like she had had enough of crying for that day, she washed her face in the bathroom and patted it dry with a towel when her mobile phone rang again. It was Elaine. She took a deep breath and answered the call.

“Hello Elaine,” she said into the receiver. Her voice sounded neither as strong nor as steady as she intended.

“Lisa, is everything okay? You sound different,” Elaine said.

Nothing goes unnoticed by Elaine. It was not for nothing that she was Lisa’s good friend. She felt a rush of overwhelmed gratitude for having a friend who cared so much about her when it felt like no one else did. The tears came gushing out again before she could stop herself.

“..mm..mmmhhmmm…” Lisa managed to reply while she closed her eyes and nodded her head.

“Oh my God, are you crying? Did something happen? I’m coming over now,” Elaine said and hung up the phone before Lisa could protest.

Now, sitting in her kitchen, Elaine provided her the comfort of a close friend. She listened tentatively as Lisa poured her feelings of discontent towards her husband and the marriage that felt so pretentious to her. Elaine gave Lisa’s left shoulder a gentle squeeze, then reached out for the Kleenex box on the kitchen table with her right hand and pulled another tissue. She handed the tissue to Lisa and added softly, “You can do something about it. Don’t let him continue bullying you.”

Lisa wiped her eyes, her body shaking uncontrollably as she gasped for air. Her face was blotched and swollen from crying for the past thirty minutes. Although she continued looking at the table when she spoke next, her voice was clear and less shaky now.

“I’ve been thinking about maybe leaving him,” Lisa said and blew her nose before continuing, “but I’m worried that it will affect Jake. People say there’s something wrong with children from divorced families.”

“I’m sure that’s not true. Do you know what divorce rates are like these days? If that rumor was true, then half the world population has something wrong in them,” Elaine said, not without patience.

Lisa laughed softly.

Encouraged by her friend’s laughter, Elaine continued, “Besides, supposing it was true, then I have every faith that you will be the first to put that rumor to rest because I know you will raise Jake to be the most perfect man there ever was. I mean, just look at him, isn’t he the most perfect boy you’ve ever known?”

Both women looked at each other and laughed.

“Oh Elaine, you make him sound like some super hero in a cartoon!”

“Nothing wrong with that now, is there?” Elaine asked, but the laughter died down quickly after that when Lisa realized the gravity of the situation heading her way in the event of a divorce.

Lisa contemplated the idea of divorce. The words he said to her more than once kept echoing in her mind. You’ll never find another man like me. She wasn’t sure why it bothered her so much. The idea of living without him was becoming more of a reality each day for her since he hardly spent time at home. Her salary was what paid the house rent and utilities. From the looks of it, she was sure surviving would not be an issue. The bitterness of her marriage made her certain that she didn’t want to be with another man. Not now, not later. Not ever. Besides, she didn’t know how Jake would cope with a different man in her life. The idea was unthinkable for Lisa.

Jake. Of course, it was all about Jake. Lisa knew how possessive her husband was. After all, she was accustomed to his threats which resurfaced every two or three fights. Up till now, all their fights have only been verbal and although she used to just give in, she found herself depleted of patience of late. And thus, their fights have taken an edgier turn. In a number of fights, she would bring up the possibility of separation but he dismissed them saying separation only led to divorce. And there was no way he would give her the divorce now that they had a son together. He said it was unheard of in his culture and that people would rather die than go through divorce. It was his flair to be all dramatic, she thought.

But now, Lisa could hardly push the thoughts of divorce away. When life has been nothing but months and months of misery that turned to years and years of dreadful emptiness and unhappiness, thoughts of suicide are the only friends left. She knew that if she didn’t find a way out of her life now, she will never be able to break free from her state of depression. She knew too, that if she didn’t have friends like Elaine and Chris, her depression would have engulfed her.

She breathed deeply and said each following words carefully, “He may refuse to give custody over Jake to me if I insist on divorce.”

Lisa didn’t miss the slight trace of shock displayed on Elaine’s features despite her quick attempt at disguising it.

“Oh hun, I don’t think he can do that. Anyone who knows both of you can clearly see that you have the rights over Jake,” Elaine said.

“But his threats… especially over this issue…,” Lisa said, her eyes glistening with tears and the words coming out in sobs, “I’m… j-just wor… worried, Elaine. …J-Jake… I c-can’t…” She buried her face into the folds of her arms that were resting on the table and continued weeping.

“Oh hun,” Elaine said and stroked Lisa’s hair in an effort to comfort her.

“What’s this?” a male voice interrupted them. Both women quickly glanced towards the voice, which initiated from the kitchen door entrance.

“Is this how you spend your time when I’m out at work?” He demanded, glaring at Lisa as he moved smoothly into the kitchen. Anger etched all over his face. Terrified and shocked that he was in the house, Lisa stammered, “I…I…”

Appalled at his rude entry, Elaine protested and addressed Lisa’s husband, “I just dropped by to visit. There’s no need to get angry. I’m Elaine.”

He looked at Elaine in contempt, his eyes moving from her face to her breasts, then to her hips and legs before returning back to her face saying, “I know who you are. My memory works fine.”

His gaze then lingered at her breasts making Elaine feel self conscious and naked. Before she could protest further, he said, “You need to leave now.”

She glanced quickly at Lisa who was now sobbing uncontrollably, her head faced down towards the table.

“Leave now Elaine. I need to have a word with my wife,” he said, with forced authority this time.

Elaine’s pulse quickened as she grabbed her handbag and made her way to the front door. She was almost there when she heard quickened footsteps behind her.

“And Elaine, don’t let me catch you in my house again. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay away from my wife. You hear me?” He threatened after he grabbed her right upper arm and spun her around roughly. His face was positioned so close to hers, she could smell his foul breath.

He shook her violently and said, “I said, DO YOU HEAR ME?” His voice echoed in the house.

“Yes,” Elaine replied, her breathing turned raspy. He let her go and slammed the door as soon as she was out of the house.

Good God, Lisa. What did you marry into? She whispered softly. She started her car’s engine and pulled out of the driveway and thought she heard a distant screaming.

---

“YOU BITCH!” He shouted as he pulled Lisa’s hair, forcing her head to tilt backwards. Lisa screamed as she clasped her head and grabbed onto as much hair as she could.

“SHUT THE HELL UP or I swear I’ll rip your hair out of your head now!” His rage dominated his body and forced his hands to shake rigorously as he pulled her hair.

His next words came out in a menacing tone of voice, “Now you listen to me, bitch. Don’t think I don’t know why your little friend was here. You go prancing around town telling people bad stuff about me and think I’d never find out. Didn’t you, bitch?”

He glared at her, his face inches away from hers. His breath had the distinctive odor of a person who defied the use of toothpaste and ate too much raw onions. Lisa choked as the smell of his breath lingered in her nose.

“What’s that now?” He said and pulled her hair stronger. Lisa stifled a scream and continued crying. Her chest was aching and her head was throbbing from the tears that ceased to stop since earlier that morning. He glowered at her threateningly and said each word that came next slowly so that she didn’t misunderstand his intentions.

“IF I EVER HEAR BAD THINGS ABOUT ME, YOU WILL PAY THE PRICE OF MY HUMILIATION,” he said and slapped her left cheek hard. Lisa was unprepared for this and fell off her chair. He had never hit her before. Their fights have always been limited to verbal and mental abuse. Shocked, she placed her left palm on left cheek, nursing the pangs of a sudden slap.

He edged closer to her and grabbed her shoulders.

“Look at me!” He demanded. Lisa recoiled in fear but kept her gaze towards the floor.

“LOOK AT ME DAMN IT!” He roared. Chest heaving in quick motions as she struggled to breathe, she looked at him. Their eyes leveled when he said, “You are not allowed to have any further contacts with Elaine. She’s no good for our family, you hear me? She will brainwash you and make you think there are better things out there for you. But remember, your life is only me and Jake now. There’s nothing else. So don’t let Elaine fool you into thinking there’s more. You hear me?”

She nodded, casting furtive glances to her sides. He was a fool if he thought she bought any of his lies.

“Oh, and Lisa,” he said in a sudden genteel manner. She looked at him once more.

“This will serve as a warning. If you tell anyone or disobey my instructions, trust me baby, you will find the grave to be your next companion,” he said as his left hand administered a quick but powerful punch to her upper right cheek.