Holidays.

Mam had gone on holidays. I made Kale wait then, too afraid to hear her voice. She would sense what I had become. Lordie, I was going to ruin their lives. I wanted her to enjoy a break with her friends, sitting out in the sun.

Before I ruined her life.

Which was silly. Being taken by the Ravi wasn't my fault. I had been a victim, and I wasn't to be blamed. I couldn't be blamed for how I had pieced myself back together either, but it was so hard. So hard to love a creature so vile.

I went to Easton as he was taking the plates from lunch into the kitchen. Afternoon light cut in through the window, and the Alpha hummed as he scrubbed the plates. Lux's voice pitched higher, keeping the twins' attention. She always seemed to know.

Easton didn't turn as I entered. "Are you still hungry?"

"I think I'll always be hungry." I ran a hand over the tea-towel, pausing at the embroidered little flowers.

"I can make you something?" He peeked down at me briefly. "It would be no trouble."

I took a breath, and the words came tumbling out. "You helped them."

"Of course."

"When I couldn't." The shame cloyed my throat.

"That wasn't your fault." He told me swiftly. "It was mine, and it was the Ravi who did that to you."

"No." My fingers clenched in the cloth, my rebuttal sharp and swift. "No, you're nothing like them."

Easton set down the plate, shaking his sudsy fingers. "Nova, I didn't mean to upset..."

"No. No." Lordie, words were hard. "No. You made mistakes. You did, but so did I. But you helped my family when I couldn't. And even if I had been there, you did more for them than I ever could have done."

I could have worked my fingers to the bone, but I never would have been able to get the twins into a good school, or afford the farmhouse my mother had always asked for.

His expression softened. "Fancy schools and a farm-house is nothing compared to what your presence would have given them. Don't put yourself down like that."

Though his words were soft; he said it with such determined firmness that I could not find it in myself to argue. I didn't believe his words, but he did. He believed that I would have been a benefit to them. My disappearance had opened up possibilities to the twins that weren't dreamed of before.

I couldn't break him as easily as I could break the three beyond the kitchen, but my touch was soft. The Alpha froze as I lay a hand over his, my smile brittle. "Thank you."

He swallowed. "You don't have to thank me."

"But I am." I squeezed his wrist before retreating, clearing my throat awkwardly. "That doesn't mean I'll help you clean up."

"You've already begun to help." He arched a brow, his smile perplexed.

"Well, I'm not helping anymore." I retreated, cheeks flushing as he laughed. It was such a raw sound – a bit goofy too.

"Oh, I see." He snorted. "Am I just going to languish here in the kitchen?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, rot in here for all I care."

"You've broken my heart." He told me seriously. "I am heartbroken. My heart is falling to pieces on the floor as we speak. Can you get me a sweeping brush? For my broken heart."

"You're silly." My cheeks just burned red.

Turning on my heel, I left the kitchen because any words I had to say felt too wasteful. I could feel the burn in my cheeks as I stepped back out into the garden. Kale and Lux smiled at me easily.

Nyssa took a second. I had spent years watching expressions, waiting for an attack or to attack. I took the way she sat, tense and waiting to be a threat. I ran my tongue along my teeth, letting the feeling pass.

"Where's Easton?" Nyssa asked.

"Doing the washing up."

"All by himself." Nyssa uncrossed her long legs, moving to rise. "I'll go and give him a hand."

I waved a hand. "Go on. He'll be done soon, anyway."

Lux's brow pinched, and I saw the flash of distaste. Such a strange thing to see on Lux's face. It didn't belong there on her. Kale lay a hand on Nyssa's arm. "Sit down."

Nyssa paused, eyes flashing as she drew her arm from Kale's hold. "Don't order me around like a dog."

"Sit down, Nyssa. With me and your sister." Kale's tone had cooled significantly.

She did. And as she did, she tossed her freshly unbound hair over her shoulder. That brought a wave of perfume. The smell hit me instantly, putrid and Lordie.

I reeled in my seat, my gasp only sucking in another wave of lavender. I had no words to answer questions that rose at my sudden departure – not that I was ever any good with them. I thundered into the house, retching. I passed Easton as he left the kitchen, his brow quizzical.

"Nova?"

I didn't know how to get rid of the smell. One whiff and it was lodged in my senses. I was better than this. Better than this. How could I let Doc-Mai worm her way into my sunny days and quiet conversations? It had been months, and I was still...

I slammed the bathroom door behind me. My skin skittered with the urge to break out, tough hair tickling uncomfortably. Desperately, I unscrewed the lids of the shampoo and body creams – anything to get rid of the smell.

I would never say that I cried there in the bathroom. I would never admit that – admit to the tears that leaked out unbidden and unwanted. I would never be right–triggered by a smell, a sight, a touch.

I would never admit to how much that bothered me. I was half a person, living in a world that wanted the old Nova back, and wanted to kill the creature that I had become.

============== =============== ===============

I rarely saw the girl I killed first.

She was just a number now. She should have been someone on a pedestal, someone worth remembering, but in eight years, I had slowly forgotten about her. At night, in that room with the painted walls, I dreamed of her.

I dreamed of the dark hallways. A steady drip of water. I was dressed in scraps of white, having been chased through the Mad-Maze by roving gangs. They had clawed at me, but I had always been a fast runner. I had been in the captivity of the Ravi for too long already, but it must have been only a few days. They had sheared my hair, let me go hungry and then shoved me in the dark maze.

To see what I was made of.

She was the same as me. Gaunt and tall with sheared hair. A little older- maybe a college student. Her neck was burned with a mark. Her hands were stained with blood. She could have been the Omega if she had lived longer. She had come for me, biting and tearing at my flesh with human teeth.

Tearing.

She snapped at my throat, her breath rancid and sour.

I was sobbing, begging. I was only sixteen—still hopeful that someone would save me.

The bite still burned on my neck.

"Please," I had sobbed. "Please don't hurt me."

She hadn't listened. Her nails scored my cheeks. I reached across the grimy ground, closing my fingers around anything I could get a hold of.

A pipe.

I had swung it up, and she had been de-throned. She had not died when I hit her first, but I had not stopped. Desperate – Afraid, I swung and swung until her head was nothing but mush. Nothing but shattered bones and grey matter dirtying my hands.

Maybe I had died that day, too. School-girl Nova Linden was no more once I decided to keep swinging, but I didn't believe that. I had felt no guilt, but that didn't stop me from waking up with panic choking my throat.

I could feel her claws on my throat, scoring into my skin. Digging into a fresh mark. That had hurt the most – as if to touch it was breaking some sacred code. I threw myself from the bed, slapping down onto the ground to tear the duvet off of me. My claws curled into the wood, cutting deep rivulets into the wood to worm out the aggression poisoning me.

Sweaty and disillusioned, I stepped out into the hallway. Darkness and a low, flickering light cast strange and dancing shadows as I padded barefoot down the hall. My hair was sweaty, sticking to the back of my neck.

I found my way downstairs, catching the low light leaking out of the hallway that led to Easton's study. The clock on the wall told me it was only half two. I snorted – what were the chances that both of us were awake?

With only a second of hesitation, I went towards that light.

Knowing that he wouldn't hear me otherwise, I made my gait awkward and heavy. A chair creaked in the study and before I reached the door, a large shape loomed in the doorway. Easton's brow was heavy, his thick shoulders bunched as he glared down the hallway.

That thunderous brow eased, and he blinked tiredly at me. "You're awake, Nova?"

"Did you think I was an intruder?" Amusement coloured my tone and I surveyed the Alpha Supreme's night-wear. A pair of wide-legged pyjamas decorated in pine trees and wolves. A simple jacket thrown over his shoulders, unzipped to reveal an expanse of ripped flesh.

Only one place remained untouched.

A small tattoo, in colours of orange and blue. An explosion that sat right on his breastbone. I had not seen it before.

Easton pulled at his jacket uncomfortably as I eyed the tattoo. Colour darkened his cheeks, and he cleared his throat, taking a careful step towards me. "Could you not sleep?"

I had an idea about what the tattoo was, but seeing it made me feel uncomfortable. Exposed. "Neither could you?"

The Alpha heaved a sigh, nodding glumly. "I hate it. It makes me grumpy."

I tilted my head. "Grumpy?"

I couldn't think of it as anger – not coming from him. More like a lumbering bear that had just been poked. Grumpy and dangerously strong.

"It's not pleasant." He grimaced.

"And what keeps that away?"

"Sleep. And sugary coffee." His deep baritone seemed to reverberate against the walls, despite his attempts to whisper.

"Well, that all seems like a wonderful solution. Is it working?" I asked.

"No. Do you have any suggestions?" He queried.

"Usually stewing in anger, annoyed that I'm wasting precious seconds."

Easton clasped his hands behind his back, clearing his throat quietly. "What about something fun. Safe."

"Safe? Me and you alone together?" I tipped my chin up at him, brows furrowing. "Is that such a good idea?"

"Mhhmmm, perhaps not." Dimples were carved into the sides of his mouth; he seemed unable to stop himself smiling. "I need a chaperone to protect myself from you."

"Oh really." I mirrored. "So what's this safe little night-time endeavour then?"

He grinned. "Let me get some blankets."

At night-time, Lunar was awash with starlight.

I lay inches from the Alpha's side, propped up on my elbows. I didn't want to admit it, but I enjoyed the quietness of the garden. I felt somewhat secure lying out on a blanket. Maybe it was the lack of walls. Maybe it was a modicum of normalcy after all these months.

"We call that one the wolf's grin." Easton pointed up, tracing the curve of stars. "Though I think different species have different names for it."

I blinked up at it. "I've never seen a wolf grin."

"Well, wolves don't really smile. And Lycans in their primordial form perceive such a move as a threat." Easton said, tracking the sky. He lay with his head propped on pillows, and his entire torso exposed to an errant claw or jaw. It was strange to see someone so strong so...relaxed. He didn't know how much I could harm him.

I didn't know... if I wanted to take the chances he gave me so willingly.

"And that one..." I pointed up. "What do you call that?"

"Which one?" Easton peered upwards critically.

"The squiggly ones there."

He swallowed. "I – uh – they're called the – uh... Mate's embrace."

Once the words left him, his eyes flashed to me, tracking the panic that he expected. I stared up at the stars, wondering how the globular pattern looked anything like an embrace. "Is there a story for it?"

"Yes...would you like to hear it?" He asked. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

I shook my head, laying back. "Tell me. I like a good story."

He lay back too. "They say that those stars map the first people to forge the mate's bond. Some argue that it was granted by the moon who wanted her Lycans to have souls that would calm them – bind them to humanity. Some argued that it was formed slowly through evolution from when the first Lycans roamed the land. They were savage and brutal; believing that only Lycans deserved the land that we all share. Human and Lycan pairings, or pairings with other species were forbidden and such betrayal resulted in swift execution."

"Oh. Did they have names? These lovers in the stars."

"Different names." Easton admitted. "Lycan history is fraught with war and wandering packs. We have only been amassing our different histories properly in the past seventy years. It is hard to bring together such rich history and not argue about whose right. I have always been told that their names were Aurnia and Moira. Aurnia was a human princess and Moira was an Alpha's first-born. Powerful. Brutal."

"And they were killed for loving each other?"

His lips twisted into a wry smile. "No, they lived happily together until their death. Or that is how their story goes. They ran off together and lived their lives full of love. That was enough to bring them into the skies and emblaze the night sky with their success."

"That's surprising." The longer I looked, the more it seemed that the pattern of stars were two people embracing. "Lycan stories are usually so brutal."

"Not for this." Easton stared up at the stars, his brow taunt. "Some Lycans believe that there is nothing more important than that; living life with such love and devotion that we will earn our place up amongst the stars. Up beside our moon."

There was an undercurrent of pain in his voice.

"Who taught you that?"

It took him a second to answer. "My first pack. They still live out near Lidvarn."

"And you moved away from them?"

"... Steven Arcelia used to visit the pack. We became friends and he convinced me that I would be a good soldier. They would waste me in Lidvarn and I- I believed him. People rarely left Lidvarn, but the Arcelia's heir demanding that you accompany him back home would make any lowly Alpha back down. So, I left."

"At what age?"

"Twelve."

Something knotted in my stomach, harsh and awkward. "You were just a child. How old was Steven?"

"Fourteen." Easton shifted, his voice low. "We were good friends, but our rearing made us have very different outlooks on life."

I remembered the grim sadness on that news report. He hadn't been able to hide his agony as he had raised his friend's head aloft. He had cared for him once. "Do you miss him?"

"No. Once I knew what he was truly like, I hated him more than I hated myself."

I turned my head side-ways, examining the side-profile of his face. He was unreserved with his emotions – it was like we were two different sides of the same coin. I hid mine with vicious suspicion and he was an open book, with the wind ruffling his pages to different emotions, different stories.

"Did your pack know...about me?"

His throat bobbed. "I hid it from them for as long as I could. It would shame them – to know what I did. They wouldn't understand the Law. Especially since they were so rural and cut off. But when I started becoming noticed, people began digging into my history. The slander campaign the Arcelia's set against me drew the names of missing mates through the mud. That – that..."

Anger clenched his jaw. "All those innocent men and women – with the names just sullied like that. They claimed that I had torn out your throat when I marked you, dumped your body and then started this campaign because I wanted to keep the authorities off of my back. That I wanted someone to blame other than myself."

"You said that you hated yourself." My tone lowered. "Why?"

He looked at him, those golden eyes flashing in the darkness. "I was raised in a pack of devotion and love. With people who believed that they would live together with their mates in the night-sky in peace when their time came. I believed that when I met y- you, that we would live that kind of life but all I brought was pain and suffering. I wouldn't have cared if it was for me, but for you – I would have endured anything if it meant keeping you safe and happy."

Maybe it was the peace of night time, or the nightmare that lingered. I lay a hand on Easton's arm softly, watching as his eyes flashed. I didn't fear people touching me. I had missed it in my cell- I had missed comforting touches because electric tongs and rough doctors had replaced them. I had missed a hand on my shoulder, a friend's delighted hug. I had missed having my hair braided as I sat with a group of friends, listening to them discuss school and home and life. I had missed warmth.

I still missed it. "Sometimes I wonder if I hate myself for what I've done, if I'm afraid of what's I've become or if I'm proud of surviving this long. Both of us have done things that keep us from the sky, but that doesn't mean we can't be happy in the future."

"Wise words." He watched me softly. "Do you think you could be happy in Lunar? That you and Lux could be happy here?"

I looked away from those golden eyes. A lump in my throat. I was not an open book. I was not a fool. He might still have been playing some game – some long and cruel game. But – not everyone was Doc-Mai. Lux wasn't. The woman who gave me a chance at owning my first haven wasn't. My twins weren't.

"Who says that I'm not already?" I breathed.

The wolf smiled at that.