December 2016

"Have you taken out the clothes you don't need any more yet?" Meera yelled from the living room of Vikram's apartment.

The door on the right opened a little and Vikram peeped out. "Mom I've told you there is nothing that I don't use."

"Do you want me to go into your room?" Meera asked, "Because then I'll throw everything out."

Vikram had half an understanding about what was happening. It was 2 am and his mother was in his house, demanding Vikram to hand over the clothes he didn't wear.

"Why are you here at this hour?" Vikram asked back. "You could have come during the day tomorrow."

Meera sighed. "I couldn't sleep. So I thought I'd do something."

"So you decided to make my life hell?" Vikram asked. Was it because of the lack of sleep that he was extra edgy? He supposed he should be thankful that he had company at this hour because who was he kidding? Sleep was something he hadn't be able to achieve in the past months either. Not since he came back from Lyon.

"Like you sleep at this hour." Meera answered back and Vikram was surprised she even knew his sleeping habits. He was half convinced that Ruvee had told her but he didn't dwell on the thought much.

"Ugh" Vikram grunted and walked to his closet. "Why aren't you at Vaibhav's place hounding him for the same?"

"He has a morning shift." Meera said. "I'll drop by his house later tomorrow."

"Why do you need all this stuff anyway?" Vikram asked, staring at his wardrobe and looking at the clothes he had hanging.

"To give the clothes away to the needy." Meera said. "Its New Year's eve tomorrow so I am donating winter wear to the homeless."

Vikram's head was deep inside his cupboard as he tried to take old piles of clothes out. Just then, his eyes fell on a box that he remembered from years ago. It contained a lot of his memories from his 12th standard. Vikram took the box out, wanting to explore it again but decided against it. Getting the clothes for his mom was more important.

"You can just buy these things and gift them away." Vikram yelled. "Why do you need our old clothes?"

"Because then the both of you will never buy any new clothes." Meera shook her head. "I did not know raising two boys would be so much hard work. You have to get married, you know, so I can be free."

Vikram smiled and shook his head. "You know that's not possible, mom."

"Of course it's possible, it's just a matter of time."

Vikram picked up the clothes he had chosen and put them in a basket before he walked out into the living room with them. "No mom, it's not possible and you know why."

Meera sighed.

Around two years ago, Meera had begun stressing about Vikram getting married and when Vikram tried to tell her otherwise, she had refused to listen. So Vikram had to come out to her, saying that he didn't like girls and that he didn't want to marry any for sure.

It had been a tough couple of months after, as Meera went through all stages of grief, except perhaps, anger. Vikram had apologized at the end, saying that he was sorry for being such a disappointment and that was when Meera realized that it was not Vikram who was at fault, it was her. She had apologized back, saying that Vikram could be anything but a disappointment and that she would do everything in her power to support Vikram, just as he was.

"I just want to see you happy." is all she said when Vikram dropped the clothes on the sofa.

"Maybe not all of us are meant to be happy."

Meera sighed. "Ruvee told me you met Aditya in Lyon."

Vikram looked at his mother in shock. "Why do you talk about these things?"

Meera shrugged. "So, how is he?"

"He's good." Vikram said, taking a seat by the armchair, pretending the sudden mention of Aditya hadn't shaken him to the core. "He owns a restaurant in Lyon and doing well for himself. He asked about you and Vaibhav."

Meera smiled. "He was always a good boy." She suddenly looked at the clothes and stood up. "Okay I better get going. Try to get some sleep."

She picked up the basket with one hand and held Vikram's face with the other. "Come home for dinner often, okay?" she asked. "You don't even cook. All you eat is fast food."

"I don't have time to cook."

"Then hire someone."

"Mom you know my schedule. I can't keep a cook in the house when I can't even guarantee I'll be here to eat."

"This is why you need to get married."

"Mom, stop saying the same thing over and over again." Vikram snapped. "I am sorry." he said immediately. "I didn't mean it that way."

Meera shook her head. "I wish I could have done more for you."

Vikram took Meera's hand and squeezed it lightly. "I wish I could have done more for myself too."

Meera smiled and quickly left.

Vikram sank back to his seat. The mention of Aditya had shaken him a little. He had tried to pull Aditya out of his system for the past six months but it was impossible.

Shaking his head, he went back to his room to keep everything back in place.

He kept all the clothes in their place before his eyes fell on the box again. Vikram picked it up and opened it. Inside were a couple of things that he remembered. A few photos that he and Ruvee had taken together during the summer holidays, Vikram's old iPod, some more photos but this time of Aditya that Vikram had taken at the event where his mom was getting an award, tickets to the first movie Aditya and Vikram had seen together in their summer break after exams, Aditya's school tie that Vikram had insisted he wanted to keep after they had graduated High School and his Walkman, among few other things.

Vikram's eyes fell on the sole thing that jittered him completely. Kept in one of the corners of the box, was the key to Aditya's house.

After coming back from Lyon, Vikram finally built up the courage to take the key off and keep it aside. Aditya was now married to someone else. Vikram had no business keeping the key around him anymore.

It was then that the insomnia had begun. There were countless days when Vikram didn't achieve more than two or three hours of sleep after he had taken the key off. There were good days but they were few and far between. Since coming back from Lyon, Vikram considered himself lucky if he could sleep for four to five hours at a stretch.

On a few occasions, he had found himself vulnerable and crawling back to his closet, taking the key out from the box and putting it around his neck, just for some comfort. Those nights, he slept like there was no worry in the world, only to wake up the next day and feel disgusted that he was still pining over a married man.

He took the box in his hand and walked back out into the living room. Pouring himself a glass of whiskey, Vikram sank down on the floor by the sofa. With each sip of whiskey, Vikram recalled his final year at school and how life took a turn for him. As the whiskey washed down, the tears began streaming.

Vikram's sifted through the box, when his eyes fell on the tiny notes that lay folded in one corner of the box- the notes Aditya had carefully curated for him and him only. How he wished he could go back in time just to see Aditya's smiling face again, the smile that shined brighter than any star in the sky because for Vikram, the sun hadn't come up in over ten years.

Another stream of tears fell as Vikram realized that it was a time so far gone, that even his mind failed to conjure up vivid memories. His misery was eating him alive and not knowing what to do, Vikram dialed Ruvee's number.

"Vikram?" she asked, in a sleepy voice. "Are you okay?"

Late night calls with Ruvee were not something Vikram did often, no matter how sleepless he was. Ruvee had finally found a job that gave her enough time to rest and Vikram didn't want to disturb that. But tonight, he felt more miserable than he had in a long time.

"I miss him." Vikram said in a completely drunk state.

"Whom?"

"Aditya, who else?"

There was a silence on the other end. Then Ruvee said, "This is the first time you've said his name out loud in years."

Vikram took another sip of his whiskey. "I can't sleep."

"I figured. Do you want me to cove over?"

Vikram shook his head like Ruvee could see him but only stopped when he started feeling dizzy. "No. Just talk to me for a while."

"Okay, I'm here."

Vikram sighed. "You are so smart, Ruvee."

This made Ruvee laugh. "I am?"

Vikram nodded. "Only a smart person can decide that they don't want to get married or date anyone. Not all of us are built like that."

"You don't have to be built like that, Vikram. We are all different people. Just because I don't need someone else, doesn't mean it's bad that you do."

"No." Vikram interjected. "People hurt you. Over and over again. You remember the last guy I dated?"

"Yeah!" Ruvee said. "The architect from Kochi?"

"Did he seem like a nice guy?"

"Why? Was he the one who hurt you?"

"No." Vikram said, "No, not at all. It was I who hurt him." Vikram said. "He was always so good to me but I could never bring myself to love him like I loved..."

Vikram's voice trailed off but Ruvee didn't need to hear a name to know who he was talking about.

Vikram cleared his throat. "He figured out, you know?" Vikram asked after a while. "That I was not as invested in the relationship as he was. When he broke up, I could see that he was hurting, that I had hurt him. But I didn't have the courage to stop him, or love him back. He was perfect, he just wasn't perfect for me."

"Vikram..." Ruvee began, "You will never be able to move on if your definition of perfect is Aditya."

"I know, I know. It's not like I haven't tried. And maybe I was finally ready. But then..."

"Lyon happened." Ruvee finished.

Vikram nodded again, but continued after downing the rest of the whiskey in one go. "I am over him now." He said with a resolve.

"Are you now?"

"Yes, a hundred percent. Ask me anything about him and I won't be able to answer because I don't love him anymore."

"What kind of logic is that?" Ruvee asked, laughing loudly.

"Just ask me, okay?"

"Okay. What is Aditya's favorite color?"

"See, I don't know. And you know why?"

"Because you don't love him?"

"Exactly." Vikram sneered.

"You need to stop drinking!"

"You need to stop drinking." Vikram retorted, and took another big sip from his whiskey.

"I am not drinking." Ruvee answered.

"Well, that's your problem."

Ruvee tried to stop her laugh but it was impossible. Vikram was nothing short of a comedian when he was drunk. It was a cycle actually. It started with him feeling like shit, then he would switch to comedy, then back to feeling like shit.

"I didn't tell you something, Ruvee." Vikram said after a while.

"Yeah?" Ruvee asked him. "The fact that you still love Aditya?"

Vikram gasped, ridiculously drunk. "How do you know everything?" he asked, amused. "You're like Dumbledore of muggles."

Vikram continued. "I didn't tell you something else too. Back when we were still dating you, I kissed Aditya."

"I know." Ruvee and Vikram gasped again.

"Then why didn't you ask me anything?"

"I figured you'd tell me when you thought the time was right." Ruvee said.

"But... how did you find out?"

"Ah!" she said. "He came clean to me a few days after you guys started dating. He was all apologetic and sulking and kept saying how it was all his fault."

Vikram shook his drunk head frantically. "It was not. It was all my fault. I kissed him first."

Ruvee laughed. "That was very brave of you, but like I said, I knew all along."

"Can I confess something else?"

"Sure."

"Gabriel's fucking hot, man! Hotter than Aditya."

"Who's Gabriel?"

"Doesn't matter. Listen, okay? You have to listen to me because I did something."

"Oh god Vikram, what did you do?"

Vikram took a deep breath. "Remember what I told you about why I haven't contacted him since I came back from Lyon?"

"Yeah, you said you guys mutually decided that it's been over a decade and that it was best if you kept the past in the past."

"I lied to you, Ruvee. It was my decision. I left. I told him that I didn't want us to be in touch when I left. In fact, I didn't, leave, I ran out."

Ruvee was confused for a second. "Why would you do that? Why would you run out after finally meeting him?"

"Because Gabriel's so damn hot!"

"Who the fuck is Gabriel?"

Vikram began laughing. "What do you mean who's Gabriel? I just told you he's hot."

Ruvee wished she could punch Vikram through the phone.

"Okay." She said. "Let's go back a few steps. You said you ran out on Aditya. Did something happen?"

"Yeah! Gabriel."

"I swear to god Vikram I will drive to your house and yank you by the collar till I drag you to the washroom and dunk your head in toilet water. Then I will slap the fuck out of you. WHO THE FUCK IS GABRIEL?"

Vikram froze at the outburst. But then he began laughing again.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Because..." Vikram began, "because I can totally see you doing what you just said you'd do."

Ruvee sighed. "Okay, let's try something else. Is Gabriel connected to Aditya?"

"Damn right."

"Is he his friend?"

"Oh..." Vikram scoffed, "I'd say they're more than friends."

Ruvee closed her eyes in frustration. This was another, but rare trait of drunk Vikram. He stopped making sense and started talking in puzzles.

"So like, boyfriends?"

"A little more than that."

"What the fuck is a little more than that?"

"Husbands, Ruvee. They're husbands."

"What?" Ruvee yelled into the phone.

Vikram nodded. "When I was in Lyon, his boyfriend, Gabriel even invited me to their wedding." he said and shook his head.

There was a long, terrifying silence. Vikram was sure Ruvee was ready to yell at him again but when she spoke, her voice was calm, even.

"I swear to god Vikram if that's the reason you ran away from Aditya, I am going to make sure you never see the light of the day."

"What did I do?" Vikram asked in protest. "It wasn't I who got married."

"It wasn't Aditya who got married either."

"Exactly!" Vikram said but then stopped. "Wait, what?"

"Aditya... isn't... married!"

"How... how can you possibly know this?"

"Umm..." Ruvee began, "We're kind of Facebook friends now."

"What do you mean kind of?"

"Is that what you want to stress on now?" Ruvee asked through gritted teeth. "The point, Aditya isn't married."

"But he is, that guy, Gabriel invited me to their wedding."

Ruvee sighed and Vikram could imagine her shaking her head in disappointment. "Wait..." she said and in the next few seconds, Vikram's phone pinged with messages.

"Check your messages." Ruvee said and Vikram didn't question it. He would jump off a cliff if Ruvee asked him too. That was how much he trusted her. And he had every reason to.

When he saw the messages Ruvee had sent him, he realized they were all photos. Photos of Aditya and Gabriel, as he wore hid wedding tux and Aditya looked like the brightest sun in the sky and for a second, Vikram hated Ruvee for rubbing it on his face but then, he saw the next photo, he realized why Ruvee wanted to yank him by the collar till she dragged him to the washroom and dunk his head in toilet water and then slap the fuck out of him.

"I remember seeing a photo of Aditya attending a wedding, but you fool, it wasn't his. It was his friend's. Aditya was the best man."

Ruvee was right. When Vikram saw the photo, he realized his blunder. Standing in a black tux in front of the altar, was Gabriel, kissing a guy who wasn't Aditya.

Vikram looked away from the screen and pressed the phone to his ear to speak to Ruvee. Blinking away a tear, he got up.

"I need to leave for Paris right now."

- only 2 chapters left 😭😭😭