6:00 p.m.

i'm back in my dorm early tonight. even though the cheerdance competition is only 2 weeks from now, i practically begged our choreographers if i could skip practice today and fortunately, they allowed me to. my mind has been on a messy roll lately and i didn't want to affect other people with that so i decided to take a rest from further exhaustion today. i already know our whole routine for this year's performance and we're already on the polishing process so it's safe to take a break from it.

i laid down on my bed, my head hanging at the edge while my arms are sprawled on each sides. i just stared at the wall and didn't move.

my mind was clouded with lots and lots of thoughts but then i remembered my fight earlier with josh. and i suddenly remembered what he told me. you know you can't love him, jah. i know. i know i can't love him. but what if i'm already doing it? can i still stop myself?

what if... what if i don't want to stop? what if i just want to let myself to love stell? is that wrong? would that make things too complicated? yes. yes it will. however, i'm not capable of letting him go anymore. i don't want to let go of stell. ever.

my thoughts were suddenly cut off when i heard my doorbell rang. i didn't move but it rang again and i groaned in frustration. that's probably my landlady again, about to scold me for a lot of things. i scratched my hair in irritation as i was approaching the door but the doorbell rang again, making me scream internally.

SANDALI NAMAN PUTANGINA. T___T

i sighed while holding the doorknob. i don't want to lash out on whoever is on the other side so i have to calm down. kalma lang, jah.

i opened the door slowly and i suddenly want to melt when i saw who was waiting.

he's still in his white polo and black slacks and i could tell he came here straight from the campus. his eyes were filled with sadness.... and longing, contradictory to mine which were tired, blank, and emotionless.

but as soon as he stepped forward and hugged me, my eyes wanted to well up in tears. god, i missed him so much.

stell hugged me. tight. not wanting to let go. i closed the door behind him gently and i hugged him by his waist, burying my face at the crook of his neck, and inhaling my favorite scent.

he said in a raspy voice which almost sounded like a whisper. i couldn't talk. and i couldn't resist crying anymore when my eyes were suddenly filled with tears to the brim until they flowed out and i cried. i just cried on his shoulder, letting out every heavy emotion i want to let out.

i couldn't remember the last time i let myself cry like this. but with stell, i knew i could be vulnerable. because he will understand. like always.

stell suddenly crouched a little and picked me up by my thighs, letting my straddle his waist as he carries me to the living room while i continue to burst in tears on his shoulder. he gently rubs my back as he sat on the couch while i straddle his lap.

stell only whispers comforting words in my ear while hugging me and caressing my back.

he whispered and planted a kiss on my temple.

moments later, i stopped sobbing and i just rested my head on his shoulder, still hiccuping.

stell planted another soft kiss on my forehead and stroked my cheek gently with his thumb.

he asked and i pulled away from the hug, wiping a few remaining tears in my eyes as i nodded in response.

i held both of stell's hands, planting a kiss on his knuckles.

i said and he smiled softly.

stell paused and stared deep in my eyes but his eyes show comfort.

i nodded. maybe i should tell him.

i said before i stood up, pulling him with me. i intertwined our fingers together before i started walking towards my bedroom, dragging stell with me. i just remembered that it's his first time here in my unit because of all the times that he drove me home, he never insisted to come inside. such a gentleman.

i opened the lights in my room and pulled stell further inside then we stopped by the wall where a giant map with lots of pins and notes is displayed.

stell murmured, reading the huge sign on top of the map.

i responded. stell let go of my hand and stepped forward, eyeing every note i have placed on the map.

ever since i was a kid, i was so sure that i wanted to become an animator in Japan. that is my ultimate dream.

i have everything planned out. i almost memorized every town, city, and province in japan while i laid out every plans and activities that i want to do when i'm in those cities when the time comes that i can finally go there.

seeing stell right there, looking at everything i have arranged over the past few years, i can't help but smile bitterly. my two dreams stood infront of me. but in the end, one will be chosen and one will be left.

but what if i want to choose both? what will it cost me? or worse... what will it cost my life?

stell turned around to face me and i melted when i saw that his eyes were filled with tears.

i couldn't move nor say anything.

stell sighed and stepped closer to me to hold my hands but my other hand went to his face and wipe his tears.

stell said, cutting me off and stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. he licked his lip and sniffled.

i shook my head.

stell pulled me to sit on my bed and so we did. we are now facing other other while he places his hands on his lap, holding both of my hands.

my heart ached at that moment. why did i even judge him too quickly when he only wants what's good for me all along?

i love you...

i sighed.

he smiled and stroked my cheek.

stell gently placed a hand on my left chest.

i can't keep this anymore.

i called out.

don't say it, justin. don't say it. my mind says.

say it. you know it will make you happy. but my heart contradicts.

whatever.

i said and stell looked lost, searching my eyes for answers. i chuckled and repeated myself, clearer this time.

stell held the back of my neck and pulled me in for a soft and warm kiss. i held his arm as he pulled me closer, deepening the kiss. it was quick, but it made me feel a thousand butterflies in my stomach. we hugged once again after that.

that night, he cooked dinner for me, we watched movies, and cuddled until sleep cradled us in its arms.

i love stell. i love him so much. this love is daggers. which i know will pierce through our hearts soon. but for now, i will fight for him. i just hope that this time, i will win.