《Burnouts》A Song for Not Letting Go

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Danny twists open the cap of Oxy and puts one into his mouth.

"How many of those have you taken?" I asked.

"Not enough."

Jordan nudges Leo and nods toward the window we can see Heather through. "She looks like she's...alright?"

She is laughing with her friends, and he looks at Leo to see if that's a good thing.

"Yeah," Leo said emotionlessly and stepped out of the car.

"Are we going inside?" I questioned. There's no way...

He shakes his head. "Around back." And we let him lead the way past the lights of the building and down the dim pathway that led to the garbage cans and scummy bricks surrounding the back door.

Leo knocks twice and then steps back.

Ned walks out with two bottles of liquor.

"Thanks, man."

Ned gets odd jobs around the city because he can't deal with being stuck working in one place.

"How are you going to cover it up?"

"Do you know how much money is being dropped tonight?" He said enthusiastically. "It's gonna look like they bought us out."

Jordan pulls out a carton of cigarettes and puts one in his mouth.

"Can I get one?" Leo said, passing the vodka to me so that his hands would be empty.

"You smoke now?" Danny said skeptically.

"It's just one."

Jordan gives it to him, and Leo just looks at it between his fingers as if he's still contemplating whether or not he smokes.

"How'd you know about this gig?" I asked Ned.

"One of the cooks from the catering service called me. We met when I used to work at that seafood joint uptown. He's cool. He didn't snitch on me after he saw what I did to the soup bowl."

"...what'd you do to the bowl, Ned?"

"This dickhead math teacher I had in 8th grade came to the restaurant, and I told everyone that I wanted his table. He remembered me, he had this asshole smile on his face and was like 'are you here because you finally dropped out?' And I laughed with him like he was joking and then went in the kitchen and rubbed my nuts all over the bowl his lobster bisque went in."

We looked around at each other with shocked faces and choked laughs. It's just like him to do something so gross and awesome.

"That's disgusting," Danny sighed before ultimately laughing.

"He downed the whole thing and said it was 'too salty.'"

"Jesus," I laughed through the cringing and took a swig from the bottle.

"What are you doing to the stuff in there?" Leo asked, trying not to sound like he cared that much. But we all know why he does.

"Nothing. Relax. I won't do nothing to them if they don't do nothing to me," Ned declared.

"Besides, I'm having enough fun. These dudes fucking spill when they get wasted. I've been hearing the most insane shit all night."

Danny chuckled. "Aren't you supposed to be washing dishes?"

"Yeah, but I take a lot of breaks."

"What'd you hear?" Leo asked.

"One of the dudes in there is making out with this girl and today the girl's sister asked him out— and he said yes."

"But this sister is gonna find out?"

"He told her to keep it on the DL because his mom thinks dating is a distraction and will make them break up if she finds out from anybody."

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"There's no way that girl won't tell her sister. Why would he even try this play?" Leo shook his head in disappointment.

"Eh, I've done that before," Jordan confessed. "I didn't know. They were half-sisters, so one lived with their dad."

"When'd you find out?"

"She invited me to thanksgiving...shit got really awkward."

"You stayed?" Danny judged.

"Fuck yeah. There was baked Mac and cheese."

"You risked becoming a law and order episode for cheese noodles?" Ned cocked an eyebrow and shoveled French fries into his mouth.

"You don't like mac and cheese but you're eating cold fries out of your apron, bro?"

"They're warm." He throws one at him.

Jordan throws it back, and soon enough, broken up, limp fries are flying through the air.

"Where's A.J.?" I said, dodging pieces of potatoes.

"Trying to steal his balls back from Cherry," Jordan replied.

Danny's eyebrows drew together. "Isn't he cheating on her?"

"Sorta."

"So, yes?"

"Yeah, kinda."

"Is he or isn't he?" Leo said.

"He doesn't think it's cheating if they don't go all the way." Jordan shrugged. "And he mainly just flirts, you know?"

"Oh, I did know that," Leo scratched the back of his neck.

"How does Cherry not know?" That girl is too high maintenance for someone to be able to sneak around on her.

"I bet she does, A.J. just knows how to handle her when shit hits the fan," Jordan commended.

"He can handle Cherry?" Leo snickered like it was a lie.

"He knows her enough. It gets like that after a while."

He nodded...his mood visibly saddening. "Yeah...it does."

That happens a lot now. He's cool and then out of nowhere he's not anymore.

He won't say it, but it's my fault.

"I'm sorry." I sighed. Leo looked up at me first but everyone else's eyes soon followed. "I feel like I fucked up all of your lives or something."

"What?" Jordan furrowed his eyebrows.

"Dane doesn't like you anymore." I nodded toward Danny, "you're popping pain meds like breath mints." I reluctantly faced Leo, "and I know you hate me right now."

"No," he said.

"I'm fine," Danny brushed me off.

"Dane's an asshole. I've been wanting out."

"It's just us again." He shrugged, taking a drink to wash down his words. "It worked before."

"Do you ever have those dreams where everything is normal except one thing that's absolutely ridiculous but you don't realize until you wake up?"

"...yes?"

"Like you're having a normal family dinner...in the middle of a grocery store."

She laughed. "Did you dream that?"

"No, I dreamed we were in school, but there were no classes. Everyone had their books and just walked the halls like they had somewhere to be, but there was nowhere to go."

"We were learning from each other then?"

"From and about, I suppose."

"Then that sounds like a good dream."

"Yes...but I remember being so worried that I wasn't prepared enough for my exam."

"In what?"

"I don't know, though I swore I was going to fail." I glanced over at her. "Do you think that means something?"

"Probably that you're nervous you won't succeed at something in the real world."

"Right."

"If I had to guess, I'd say it's your redemption you're worried about."

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"I thought I already redeemed myself."

"Did you?"

"...it's not really up to me, is it?"

"Maybe that's why there were no classes."

"Because trying is pointless." I sighed, "Which is why I very narrowly escaped being sent away for around-the-clock babysitting this summer."

"Water?" She motioned toward my cup, and I nod. "Then you're doing great. I give you an 'A' and for more than just effort."

"Thanks..."

"You kinda deserve it."

"Kinda?"

"Mm," Alison shrugged while laughing.

I smiled at her even after she looked away. And when I caught her eye again, I moved a little closer to her...inch by inch wondering if she'd stop me.

"Jace," she exclaimed a second before our lips could touch.

"Sorry...I-" Alison got out of her seat. "Hey, I'm really sorry," I said again but she kept walking off. Worriedly, I went after her, apologizing some more. "I didn't mean-"

"Why?" She snapped.

"Huh?"

"Everyone has a reason. What were you hoping to get from me?"

I shrugged, confusedly. "I thought things were going well between us."

"Why do you keep asking me on dates?"

"The first one wasn't a date...it was an apology. Dinner was a date because I liked talking to you. This party was an excuse to keep talking to you."

"I can't date you."

"I understand."

"I haven't even told Heather that we-"

"We haven't done anything. Don't worry about it. She's not going to be upset with you because I tried to kiss you."

"Good."

I look over at the seat I was in. "I'm going to go-"

Alison grabs my face in her hands and places my lips on hers. It was quick...blink and you'll miss it but...she kissed me.

"Oh, no..." she whispered.

"Wow..." I said in surprise. And she's off again, scurrying to the door. "Alison!"

"Go away!"

"I'll call you."

"No!" She said on impulse, but then paused to let it mull over in her mind. "Okay..."

I smiled. "Okay."

"Is that the time?" I ask Lisa as I squint at the clock on the wall.

"Mhm," she answered while sipping her straw.

"I have another party to get to. I said I'd show."

"See you tomorrow, right?"

"First thing." I smiled.

"That's believable." Lisa laughed, looking at our table of drinks— all the ingredients for a hangover.

"Goodnight."

"Aw," the rest of the table complains as I get up. They were all strangers to me a couple hours ago.

"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stay this long, though."

"I just met you and I love you both already," one drunkenly declared.

"I love you too. I'll see you again soon, okay?" I replied, not knowing whether or not it was true— but getting drunk with people has a way of creating a bond. "Goodbye."

They waved endlessly until I was out of their eye-line.

The fresh air did well in making sure all of the blurred lights didn't make me dizzy. But I still dazedly wandered down the sidewalk waiting for my driver to get here. He's late.

"Heather," I hear, and turn to where my name was called.

I knew it was you.

"What?"

"Are you going somewhere?" Leo asked.

"To another party."

"Without your friends?"

"They weren't invited. It's Preston's party." I turned toward the curb again as the car pulled up.

"I don't think you should go."

"You're telling me that I shouldn't leave?" I laughed at the irony.

"You're too drunk to go to a party alone."

I put my arms out in frustration. "I can take care of myself."

"Heather, don't be annoying."

"I'll be cared for when I get to Preston's house. He has a brother that likes me."

"Oh no," Leo said sarcastically.

"Go to hell."

"Go home."

"I don't want to." I start walking away from him.

"I'm not fighting with you," he said as he trailed behind me.

"Then stop."

"I'm not leaving you alone either."

"I am not your problem."

"When has that ever stopped me?" He asked, and I turned to look at him. Leo went up to the car and opened the door. "Just get in...please."

I would've said 'no' again...purely out of spite. But, his eyes, pleading with me...I'd ruin my night thinking about you if I let you believe I wasn't safe.

I crossed my arms and glared at him as I climbed into the back seat.

He got in next to me, clearly trying to make sure I didn't sneak off to Preston's anyway.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

Leo reached over me and pulled my seatbelt across my chest.

"My place."

"Trevor, a word," my father said before I passed his office.

"Yes?"

"Are you going somewhere?"

"End of the school year event. I'm late."

"Come here."

"What is this?" I asked cautiously when I saw what he was looking at. His screen is zoomed in on the background of Vivian and I's debut movie.

He pointed, "Does this wallpaper tear look familiar to you?"

"I...don't think so? Why?"

"It's identical to the one in the guest bedroom."

...dammit.

"This doesn't look like the guest bedroom. That linen looks quite...affordable."

He nods. "Yes, we use it in the suites."

"Right, of course," I said as if I didn't know.

"Were you here while I was in Australia?"

"Uh— here and there. I spent a lot of time with Audrey."

"That's still happening?"

"Here and there..."

"Do you know anything about Vivian's whereabouts during that time?"

"I recall her mentioning finding different sleeping arrangements until you came back, but I didn't think much of it."

"That didn't raise any red flags to you?" He asked skeptically.

"I guess I couldn't bring myself to care about where she slept."

"I want to find this man."

"Why?"

"He slept with my fiancée. That at least prompts a discussion."

I shook my head. "You didn't propose to her?"

"Not formally. However, those who work closest with me know I intended to...and soon. To have gotten this tape on my desk— he had to be in my inner circle."

"That's a hasty assumption..."

My father glared. "It isn't, Trevor."

Oh, but it is Trevor. That's the problem.

"...In that case, I hope you find the bastard."

"I will. He's deeply indebted to me."

"Steep price."

"You can go," he nodded toward the door and then picked up the telephone. "Enjoy your celebration."

"Who are you calling?"

"The P.I."

I unlock the door and open it for her. She slips her heels off and leaves them by the welcome mat.

"You can take my bed. I'll sleep out here." I motion toward the couch.

"Why?"

"Because..."

"You're scared to share a bed with me all of a sudden?"

"I'm not scared..." confused, but not scared. Heather smirked, laughing to herself as she made her way into my room. I hung back a second...not knowing if I should go with her. How could we lay in the same bed at this point? And it's cruel to mess with me...but here you are...facing me, unzipping your dress...and letting it hit the floor. I put my head down... "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Heather said, innocently. "Scared to look at me?"

And I'm not, so I do...

Just what she wants, my eyes travel from her legs, past her panties, up her stomach, over her bra until we're staring back at each other, and I keep my calm.

She comes closer to me, standing a mere few inches away.

My eyes shift down again. And, it's a lot harder keeping my calm when you're half-dressed and I can feel your body heat mixing with mine.

Shit...

"Heather..." I say barely above a whisper.

"Leo..."

"You're drunk."

"So are you," she replied...then there was more silence between us than space. She's right, we've both drank away any reason not to do this. "Well, are you just going to stand there?"

My arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her to me, my lips found hers so easily. I missed you so much I could cry. Her skin feels like the earth is finally spinning again. It stopped when I was without you. My lips move slowly with hers, taking their time no matter how badly I want to have as much of her as I can. She's taking breaths between the kiss, whimpering when I can't help but devour her some more. Alcohol has never been sweeter than right now, tasting it on your tongue. And I just hold her...pressing more than our mouths together. I love you.

She looked into my eyes and I could see a flash of nervousness...like she felt it too...that kiss being more than what it was supposed to be.

Heather backed away from me...and I was fully prepared to go lay on the couch like I said I would...

but she climbs into the bed, and beckons me over.

I pulled my shirt over my head and dropped it on the floor. She watched as I undid my pants, anxiously waiting for me to finally get on top of her.

But, I didn't move too fast...as if a sudden movement might make you leave. And I really don't want you to leave...

She lays down and I make my way over her, our eyes locked and tension heavy— it feels like we're frozen in time, your eyes forever glued to mine. I kiss her again, and she gasps like this is all new to her.

I reached over and grabbed a condom out of the drawer.

Allow me to reintroduce myself.

Her stomach fluttered as my hand went down it. I like that I can still make you squirm. And I like how you drew in a breath the moment I started rubbing you through your panties. It's a light satisfaction— touching her, but not really...she'll moan and whine and I'll keep rubbing until she soaks through them and I can feel the dampness on my fingers.

Her gaze stayed fixed to mine. I know she can't help but close her eyes when I get her like this, but she keeps them open as if I'm challenging her and she doesn't want me to win. I smirk when the blinks get longer, keeping in synch with her voice.

When she finally lets them shut and throws her head back, I bury my face in her neck, kissing her wherever my lips land and becoming more intoxicated by her moans than anything I drank tonight.

Heather put her hand over mine, hoping I'll give her more pressure while she tries to move against my touch. "Leo," she pleaded.

I smiled and let my lips feather hers. "Butterfly..."

Instantly, she threw her arms around my neck and pulled me down to kiss her. It was hot...like hearing me call her that again set something off. You missed me too.

I didn't pull away to pull down her panties. I brought her with me when I needed to move lower and then pushed her back onto the pillow when they were finally off. Every second is perfect, and I can feel new memories being burned into my mind as I lay here with her. I'll be able to replay the sound of her desperate breathing and be reminded of how I'm kissing her body and drowning in the scent of her skin. This is something I forgot how to live without. God, I love you.

I raise up in front of her to open the condom, and Heather's eyes rake over me like I'm something special...one of those fancy paintings in her house...or her expensive clothes...just something worth looking at.

And I know you're my girl because no one has ever looked at me like that...

I've never cared before...

And you make me feel so much that I swear all the blood in my body is rushing to my heart and yet I can still get hard for you.

After the condom is on, I'm back on her.

Her fingers are on the side of my face, lightly treading into my hair. I hum at how delicate it feels...and then watch how the touching stops once I push into her. All gentleness erased as her mouth falls open and she grips my arms for support.

My forehead rests against hers. Her hands try to find a place on my back or my waist or anywhere, but she scrambles, letting out quick breaths and whimpers like she can't fathom how deep I am.

I pulled out slowly and eased into her again, watching her eyes roll to the back of her head the further I pushed in. She squeezes around me and chokes down noise like she's close already...either from the teasing before or because something about this feels like a lot...as if you never expected to be under me, being fucked by me.

You're my favorite sound, and I want to hear you over and over and over, so I ground myself above her, making sure I have enough leverage before I thrust harder and deeper, never losing depth...or control— grunting and biting down on her shoulder as I drag myself in and out, over and over and over until her legs wrap around me, tight...and she begs...and she pleads...calling for me like I'm not already right here, pressed against that spot.

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