I watch as passengers pack in to the subway car, holding onto rails and maneuvering their way through other people's bodies as they scour for an empty seat. There aren't any.

"Oh," I say to myself when I see a pregnant woman get on board and accept her fate of having to stand. All the seated people simply look away or keep their heads down, assuming that avoiding eye contact will protect their conscience. "Here, you can have this seat," I say as I stand up.

"Aw, you don't have to do that. I'm fine."

"I insist, please," I motion toward the seat I gave up.

She smiles gratefully, and I take her place holding onto the pole as the last few people finally settled in.

You'd think there would be less of a crowd when the grounds are damp and the sidewalks are edged with brown snow. But, I guess everyone is looking for something.

My hand is touched, and on impulse, I pull away.

Evan chuckles before containing himself to a smirk, "Always so jumpy. You don't mind, do you?" He nods toward where both our hands are gripped around the pole.

"Where uh— where are you going?"

"My aunt gave me some money to buy last-minute gifts. Our whole family is like living with us until New Years," he chuckles.

"Oh, I'm spending Christmas at my granddad's house."

"Where are you off to now, then?"

"I'll probably just go home," I shrug.

"Oh, yeah? Well, if you're not doing anything, you can tag along," he offers.

"It's not that I'm not doing anything..." I say in defense, "I actually have plans with someone...we're gonna hang out."

Evan laughs unconvinced, "really? That's nice."

"You don't believe me?" I furrow my eyebrows.

"I didn't say that," he shrugs with a sly expression that shows he doesn't believe me.

Maybe I am making it all up...but I don't want him to think I'm all alone without him.

...Like I'll have to crawl back because he's all I've got.

"His name is Aaron," I say quickly.

"Aaron?" He says skeptically.

"He works at Spencer Gifts and lets me have whatever I want from there. He's older, so," I shrug smugly.

"How old?"

"17."

"A senior?"

"He's taller than you...and me, obviously," I laugh, "but he doesn't seem to mind."

"Sounds like a fun guy. You should bring him around," Evan says indifferently.

"Maybe, I will, but not today...because we'll probably be busy," I shove my other hand in the left pocket of my jeans.

"I'm sure," he scoffs and laughs lightly.

"Yeah, well," I say casually before taking my hand out and flashing him the green condom I've been carrying around since the day I found it.

It's kind of like smoking cigarettes, it makes you look cooler.

Evan looks down at me, and I slip the condom back into my pocket before someone else notices.

He then faces forward again and says nothing...

Not bothering with a response as he slides his hand away from mine on the pole.

"Heather?" My mother knocks on my door, "are you planning on sleeping in all day?"

"I'm not sleeping," I reply.

I'm just laying here...tossing and turning in my own insanity.

"There's a Lisa Lindley here to see you, she says Audrey sent her. Should I ask her to come by when you're feeling better?"

She's only asking this graciously because she assumes I'm sick.

"Lisa?" I furrow my eyebrows.

"Yes, darling, what should I tell her?"

"She can come in," I shrug.

I woke up this morning and took a long, relaxing bath while watching General Hospital. However, after I got dressed, I laid back in bed. There's nothing I want to do more than exist in the part of my mind where he is.

"Hi," Lisa greeted me with a cheery smile, "I hope this isn't too out of the ordinary, me stopping by and all."

"No, I figured Audrey couldn't go this long without pestering me," I say with a light laugh, so she thinks I'm joking.

"She said to make sure you reserve dresses at Vera Wang. She didn't think you'd do it if I didn't remind you in person."

"Of course," I sigh, "the debutante ball."

"Congratulations on being selected," Lisa says sweetly.

I scoff in amusement, "Want to take my spot?"

"Oh, I'm not debutante material," she shakes her head.

"Did Audrey tell you that?"

"She said that by next year, she will have me at least at the notable mentions level."

"Lisa," I say sadly, "why are you so nice to her? You don't owe her anything."

"Audrey says-"

"Forget what she says," I motion her over to sit on my bed, "if you let her control you, she will think she owns you and you're nothing more than a pet she won't let on her furniture."

Audrey gets a new "Lisa," every year. She tells them they're "paying their dues."

"But, I wouldn't know what to do without her. She's introduced me to almost everyone I know in New York...including you."

"So, be with those people instead. I'm sure they will treat you far better than Audrey is even capable of. Isn't it more fun to go shopping with friends who don't make you hold their bags?"

"It won't be easy joining another group...Audrey told me that everyone will hate me at a snap of her fingers."

"That sounds like something she'd lie about," I roll my eyes, "it was only to manipulate you into staying on her shelf. Branching out won't make you anything but free, trust me, Lisa."

"And we'll still be friends?"

"You and me?"

"I could come over more," she suggests excitedly, "and I have an appointment at the spa tomorrow, you can join me."

"One step at a time," I smile at her enthusiasm. "We hardly know each other and, I'm already giving you advice. We're skipping milestones. What's next gossiping and talking about boys?"

"I mean, we can," she ignores my sarcasm, "do you have a yearbook?"

"Uh— okay, sure," I stand to go get last years from out of the drawer I placed it in. "What do you need it for?"

"When I lived in California, my friends and I used to buy yearbooks and cross out the people we didn't like, add stars beside each other's photos, and— this sounds so childish, doesn't it? I'm sorry," she laughed uncomfortably after seeing my look of bemusement.

"No— no, we can try that."

"You don't have to really deface it, we can just talk about who gets crossed out," Lisa proposes. "Though, it was fun to draw hearts on the guys we liked."

"Do you have your eye on anyone?" I say teasingly.

"Oh, definitely, I love these gorgeous New York boys."

"All of them?" I laugh.

"Five...but, I'm trying to narrow it down."

"Five, Lisa?" My eyes widen.

"They're all so cute. How can I choose just one?"

"Well, now, you have to show me who made the cut," I say as I hand her the yearbook.

She flips through the pages rather quickly before slowing down and intently eyeing the photos.

"Oh, oh! Here's one," Lisa lights up at the sight of the boy, "Alexander Bellwether, and he goes by Xander instead of Alex."

I snicker at the name comment, "Si risqué."

She continues to turn the pages, "and this one, James Novak."

"He plays lacrosse...he's okay..." I guess.

"What about him?" She points to another guy, "do you know him?"

"Richard McKay?" I narrow my eyes in confusion.

"Ricky," she smiles and nods, "he winks at me when we pass each other in the halls."

"He's a burnout...isn't he?" I've seen him around the others.

"If that's what you want to call him," Lisa says nonchalantly.

"Is this the only one you like?"

"I like two guys that you call burnouts. The other is named Jordan Morano, he never even looks at me."

If it's the same Jordan that Leo is friends with, then he has a girlfriend.

"You know they pretty much hate us, right? We're supposed to hate them back."

I'm surprised that's not the first thing Audrey taught her.

"I know...but Ricky doesn't hate me, and that's a dumb rule. I shouldn't even be considered a central. I'm from Beverly Hills."

"It is a dumb rule," I say almost inaudibly. "But, you listened to everything else Audrey told you...why not that?"

"It's one thing to say what I shouldn't wear...but relationships are different. I can return a pair of shoes, but there's no exchange policy on feelings. Would you really let something so immature dictate your love life?"

Yes.

"It's not that simple..."

"Why not?"

"Because he will hate me when everyone starts ripping into him for being with me."

"Ugh, I look ridiculous in hats," Alison pouts and starts to pull the edges of the hat over her face.

"You look adorable," I grab her hand and spin her into my arms.

"Next up," the lifty calls out.

I gaze down at Alison, and my lips pull into a smirk, "Are you ready to go-"

"Trevor? Is that you?"

Oh, no.

I take a deep breath and keep my eyes shut until I turn to face the girl speaking.

"And, how lovely it is to see you again," if only I remembered your name...or even why I should remember it.

"Dana," she answers before I can ask...though, I wouldn't have.

"Dana," I nod, "undoubtedly," I smile politely and guide Alison toward the seat.

I sat next to her, and Dana reached up to lower the safety bar over us.

"I see your choice in cologne hasn't changed," Dana said lowly as if Alison would somehow not hear her.

I try to laugh away the tension, "someone has a good nose."

She slowly backed away from me with a smirk on her face, meaning it was intentional how high she rested her hand on my thigh.

"Enjoy the ride," Dana said almost too happily.

I know I fucked an employee last time I was here...I guess it was Dana.

And, with the way Alison is sitting in quiet irritation...I can only assume she has the same idea.

"Ehem," I clear my throat as I attempt to think up an excuse. "The ski lifts are half-owned by my father. So, I usually tip them pretty well."

"Mm," she hums unconvinced as she rolls her eyes.

"Ali," I sigh, "why am I getting the impression that you're upset?"

"Because even when we leave New York, it's impossible to find someone you haven't slept with."

I chuckle and shake my head, "this bothers you, knowing that I've had my share?"

She scowls, "Wouldn't you be bothered if I had sex with every guy from Manhattan and beyond?"

My dearest Alison, our story starts with a camera and your clothes on the floor.

"No, it wouldn't."

Alison crosses her arms and glares at the mountain of snow we're floating around.

"Well, now, I'll never have to wonder how much you care about me."

You've got to be kidding me.

"I carried you out of a nightclub, Al. I'd rather walk down this hill barefoot than see you with another guy...but go ahead and chastise me for not dwelling on your past."

She eyes me sullenly before giving up on her pouting, her crossed arms moving to hug herself close.

Say something...I know you want to. I'm very forgiving and easy to apologize to.

I bite back my smug smile, though it's clear I've won.

"I just can't do that," she breathes out, "when girls like Dana from Idaho look at you the way I do...how am I supposed to pretend it doesn't bother me?"

"Don't pretend," I shrug, "smile...because I've never forgotten your name."

From across the street, I can see them all laughing and smiling about something.

Danny has his arm around Val, of course. Though, I think he tries not to bring her out to hang with the guys. But, Amanda's there too. Leo is next to her.

When he said "I'll figure it out," I didn't think he'd slap a cop band-aid on it. I'm still mad that he did...but not that mad. It's weird not seeing him all the time, I don't like it.

Last week, I watched MTV Unplugged by myself. It was the one with Oasis, not really my thing, but I bet he was watching too.

Danny told me to drop by tonight and just chill like nothing ever happened, but I'll have to say something...Leo isn't the "just chill" type, he's really hot-blooded when it comes to people he's close with.

And, we're still close...for the most part.

I head across the street and pull open the glass door. He spots me as soon as I walk in, and his eyes make Danny turn to see me as well.

"Thought you were standing us up, Matthew," Danny jokes.

"I was going to, but I got hungry," I say with a smile as I approach the booth.

The whole table remains silent, anticipating the next move one of us will make.

Leo keeps his head up like a sign that he's not uncomfortable, and this doesn't have to be awkward.

I bring my hand out to him and press my lips into a hopeful smile.

He chuckles and our palms meet before we slide them back and lock our fingers.

"Aw, is that it? Let's see a hug," Amanda teases.

"You love each other, give him a squeeze," Val adds.

Danny shakes his head, "quiet, you two. They know what they're doing."

Leo points to the table on the other side, a few booths down before standing up to walk over to it. I sit across from him once we're there and lean forward with my hands laced together.

"We're all good now?" Leo raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah...I shouldn't have tried to fight you, man...my bad."

"Don't even worry about it, Matt, already forgotten," he shrugs. "What's been up? How's everything?"

"I'm back home," I nod, "my ma is still really sad, but she's not mad at me. She thinks Spence needs this or something to get his head on straight."

"She's probably right, you know? But, I didn't mean to get him into this shit. It shouldn't have been me."

"It had to be someone...and I couldn't do it," I admit, and Leo nods understandingly. Silence begins to sit with us at the table, and I wonder if I'm supposed to break it...possibly reassure him that our issues are dead...but he beats me to it.

"Want to hear something I haven't told anyone else yet?" He says slyly.

"Not even Danny?"

"Not even Danny...and it's killing me," Leo practically buzzes.

"Alright, then spill," I say in intrigue.

"You know that girl I like?"

"Heather?"

"Yeah, my butterfly," he smiles, "I made up with her because she came over and wouldn't let me be mad at her. And, the other day...we were in her room and...well— things sort of..."

"Do you want me to guess?" I say in amusement.

"We were making out again after she said we couldn't, and I was so frustrated with her not knowing what she wants from me...it got really heavy and next thing I know...my hand is up her skirt," he says like he can't believe it actually happened...If I didn't know him, I wouldn't believe it either.

"How the hell do you have so much game? " I laugh in surprise.

"It's not game...just a lot of fucking desire."

"Danny's never going to let you hear the end of this," I smile at the thought.

"That's why he doesn't know yet," Leo chuckles.

"Oh, yeah?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Matt..." Leo warns.

"Hey, Danny! Got any napkins? Leo has rich girl on his fingers."