《Burnouts》Only if Goodbye Felt Like You
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"I think I'll leave before the snow falls on Friday night," Audrey says.
"Spain again, AJ?" Alison asks.
"Why not? It's beautiful and warm this time of year," Audrey furrows her eyebrows. "Heather will come with me, won't you, hon?"
"Um..." I hesitate.
"Um?" She turns to me, "you're staying here? For what reason?"
"Well, I don't know yet...maybe I'll stay, maybe I'll leave for two weeks with you."
"What could you possibly do with all of us gone?" Audrey says doubtfully.
"I'd..." I look away from her as he passes us by, glancing for a second and letting his eyes scan me up and down before turning back. Alison looks to him as well, so I quickly tear my gaze away, "I'd find something to keep me occupied, I guess."
"Something," Ali says skeptically, her eyes still on Leo.
"I'll save you a seat on the plane for when you inevitably change your mind."
"I think I'll go to class now, okay?" I say rhetorically.
"Heather-" Audrey calls after me, but I continue walking away. "It's physics— what does she like so much about physics?"
The class is pretty much full as soon as I step in, despite the fact that we still have time. I watch as everyone consults in their pairs in preparation for the project.
Leo is in his usual seat at the back of the class.
"Hey," I say and then smile when I get his attention. He doesn't say anything back, so I keep speaking, "Uh— I brought the signs," I take them out of my bag, "these are the ones you have to hold." He nods and takes them out of my hand...still not bothering with any actual responses. "Okay," I sigh at his indifference, "I guess, I'll see you up there then..."
I walk over to my desk but turn to glance at him before I sit down. We make eye contact, but he's expressionless. When I glance at him once more, this time with subtly, he notices again and still makes no attempt of acknowledgment.
He hates me. Nice.
"Good morning, class. I've received the written portion of your projects already. Therefore, I hope you're all prepared to give your demonstrations today."
Not anymore, no.
"Ms. Chang, will you take volunteers first?" The girl next to me asks.
"No, we will be going alphabetically, starting with— Ah, Ms. Blakely, will you and your partner come up, please?"
I nod and stand to my feet because what she said was more of a demand than a request. I head to the front of the class and just hope Leo is close behind me. We are apparently no longer on speaking terms...which is almost comical considering the other day we were practically on bedroom terms.
I shouldn't have let it get that far.
"Whenever you're ready," Ms. Chang motioned toward the two of us, and Leo annoyedly held up the sign with the title of our project.
"Quantum entanglement...in a simple definition is the idea that two particles can be linked to each other even if they are separated by billions of light-years. One can never be described independently from the other..." Leo passes me a sheet, "For example, on this paper, we drew a smile on the left and a frown on the right using a blue marker. On the back, we drew a frown on the left and a smile on the right in red marker." I hand it over to Leo so that he could rip it in half, "now, we both pick a random half of the paper and fold it up..." I demonstrate as I speak, "let's say we then go to opposite sides of the country," Leo and I stand with our backs to each other, "we're still connected..." I say with a glint of happiness when he takes my hand in his. "Once I open my half, the state of mine will determine his," I unfold the paper and show the class, "I have a blue smile...so that automatically means-"
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He pulls his hand away, "I got the frown," Leo balls his paper up and throws it in the trash. "Are you happy now?" He says directly to me.
"Leo..." I say softly as he heads back to his desk.
"Was that your conclusion?" Ms. Chang says in dissatisfaction.
"Um— no, I wanted to conclude with a theory."
"Go on...without Mr. Rylin, I suppose."
"We are made of particles...so, theoretically once we find our pair...we become entangled. From there, we share the same energy, emotions, harmony...like soulmates, if you believe in that kind of thing. I don't, not really, at least, but I do think that it's possible to become intertwined with someone...so in love that you're fused together and can't exist without their half."
1. Go to Barney's
2. Call father
3. Reserve a set at Margo Manhattan's
4. Stop thinking about him
5. Order macaroons for the plane
6. For God's sake, please stop thinking about him
"Here you go," Tony slides next to me on the bench with a Mello Yello in each hand.
"What is this?" I sigh and raise an eyebrow at him.
"A drink?" He says confusedly.
"Yes, and why are you giving it to me?"
He shrugged, "the machine gave me two."
I nod in understanding but push his hand away. "I'd rather not spike my blood sugar, thank you."
"Okay," he said nonchalantly and put the second can away before drinking the one meant for him.
"You're going to be bouncing off the walls," I say disapprovingly as he guzzles down the highly caffeinated sugar.
"Sounds like fun," he chuckles.
"Don't you have somewhere else to be?" I scowl at him.
"No," Tony shakes his head, "so, I'll just sit next to you then."
I roll my eyes and continuing writing, hopefully, he'll just go away. Any normal person would have...but since it's Tony, he instead decided to rudely look over my shoulder.
"I don't need you breathing down my neck," I snap, closing my journal before he could get a chance to read it.
"I'll hold my breath."
"Forever?" I turn to him with a gleeful expression.
He silently stared back at me, and for a moment, I thought I'd successfully hurt his feelings...but then he burst into a fit of laughter. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"
"Can't say I wouldn't," I sighed and scooted away from him.
"Alright, how about I—" He moves over to the end of the bench, "sit on this side, and you go all the way to the other end."
"Or you could just stop bothering me," I suggest.
"But we're having so much fun," he smirks.
I scoff through laughter grabbing my bag and standing up, "I don't have to put up with your immaturity."
"Oh, I'm immature?" Tony says slyly.
"I've met pre-schoolers more adult than you," I purse my lips.
"Mm," he nods, "I blame their parents."
Before I could respond to the asinine remark he's trying to pass off as wit...my eyes find Ethan and I lose my train of thought.
"Tony?" He says with a confused expression, "You coming?" Ethan nods in the direction he's walking.
"No, I'm okay here," Tony shrugs and Ethan gives me a once over before furrowing his eyebrows at him.
"He's walking me to class," I say with a glare, "goodbye, now."
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"Give me the remote," Spence snatches it from my hand. "You're too old for cartoons anyway."
"It wasn't a kid's cartoon," I say in defense.
"I'm watching wrestling, go away."
"I wish Danny punched you in the eye so you couldn't watch anything," I mumble under my breath.
"What?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Nothing, I'm heading out," I walk over to the coat hanger.
"To where?"
"None of your business," I scoff and reach for the doorknob.
"Yeah, you're actin' real tough now, huh?" He glares at me from where he's sat. "This," he points to his nose that he insists isn't broken, "this was a cheap shot. I'll take you and that pussy friend of yours."
"Fine, hit me," I challenge.
"Think I won't?" He stands up.
"No, I know you will— but you don't think I'll fight back."
"Little Matty is all grown up now, is that it?" Spence approaches me, his temper obviously peaking.
"Call it what you want," I shrug.
He's mere inches from me, and my fists are clenched in preparation...his are too, but that's become a habit, I guess.
I flinch suddenly when the quiet enmity is interrupted by loud knocking.
Spencer chuckled smugly, "answer the door, you fucking punk."
I roll my eyes in frustration but move to open the door while he goes back to the couch.
"Fuck..." I say immediately as the regret hits when the door opens.
"Matthew Jensen?"
"Yes?"
"We have a warrant for your arrest," the cop shows me the document, "put your hands behind your-" Both officers and I turn at the sound of things crashing down behind me.
"I'll get him," the other cop sighs at the sight of Spence running.
My arm is grabbed, and my heart is beating so fast that it feels like I've floated above my body and am just watching. The metal cuffs are cold on my wrists, and I can feel that...but it's still like I'm not actually here...like I'm dreaming.
But, I hear her loud and clear...
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you."
"Go get me a soda," Danny says to Zach.
"Get it yourself," Zach replies.
"I would but— my hand," he complains.
"Try punching less people, then," Zach shrugged.
"How about I punch you?"
Zach scoffed, "you would but— your hand," he teased.
"Both of you shut up," I say in annoyance.
"What are you in such a pissy mood for? You've been sulking all day."
"No, I haven't."
"Did you fail a test or something?" Danny asks.
"No."
"Is your mom on your case?" He continues.
"Isn't she always?" I say dismissively.
"Heather..." I look up when Zach says her name, "it's Heather isn't it?"
Danny chuckled in disbelief, "of course it is. Another sleepover? She snuck out before morning again?"
I shook my head, "no, I kissed her."
"...holy shit...is she pissed?" Danny raised his eyebrows.
"No, she kissed me back...hard. Probably could have gone farther if I didn't stop us...and if my mom stayed at work," I shrug, "but who cares? She ran off, so I'm done with her...she makes me feel played."
"But you like her," Zach reminds me.
"It doesn't matter," I shrug.
"I'm so tired of everyone thinking that," He replies, I guess this hits home for him, but he doesn't get it, not from my side. Zach walks out of the room, and I don't try to stop him.
"I just can't believe you made out with her," Danny sighs in shock, "I don't know whether I want to insult you or congratulate you. I mean, a central— a real one, too. Not one of those well-off pricks that no one actually cares about, you nabbed Heather Blakely."
"I didn't really—" I look over when Zach comes back with the phone in his hands, but he doesn't pay us any mind while he casually walks over to the desk and dials.
"You changed your mind about her?"
"No...I wish...but, it's just like it never happened," I continue. "I don't want to see her anymore, and I mean it this time. I wish she never kissed me back...now I can't stand to be around her. Not when she's pretending...it fucking sucks, you know? I don't like feeling like this."
"You don't like feeling anything," Danny tries to lighten the mood with a little laughter.
"Maybe not, but I definitely don't like this. I don't know what I expected to happen after...but why did she have to lead me on?"
"Did you get all that, Heather?" Danny and I both quickly turn to where Zach is speaking into the phone. "Alright, here," He tries to hand it to me, "Ask her yourself."
I take the phone and put my hand over the speaker, "what'd you go and do that for?" I huff.
He shrugs, and I think about how I need to wipe her number off of that desk.
"Hello?" I hear Heather say, "Leo? Are you there?"
I sigh, "yeah...I'm here, butterfly."
"So, you're really mad at me then?"
"I'm not mad," I motion for Zach and Danny to leave, "This just isn't fun for me, okay?"
"What's not fun?"
Danny stands in front of my bed with his arms crossed as he listens in.
"Can you go, please?" I say lowly, "I can't talk to her with you in here." I feel kind of pathetic as it is, I wouldn't be able to stand it if anyone else heard me.
"Leo?" She says into the phone, and I wait until my room door is shut before I respond.
"All the mixed signals, Heather. You go from ignoring me...to coming over in the middle of the night...to shouting at me...to wanting to hang out unannounced...and then we kissed, and you kissed me back a lot...you ran away after, and it's fine if you feel that way...but this isn't fun for me."
"You're confused...I know, I'm sorry. I am too."
"That's the thing— I'm not confused. I like you, and I know you like me, too. I read your poem."
"...oh," Her voice went shallow, "how'd you know it was about you?"
"Come on, butterfly, there were lines that only I would understand, and you knew that when you wrote it."
"So, why didn't you say anything?"
"It was about me, not for me. You didn't want me to know," she stayed quiet, "did you?"
"...no," Heather admitted.
I nod, though she can't see me. "Do you remember when I bought you those flowers?"
"The daisies?"
"I almost didn't get them...and after I did, I almost took them back...but something made me really want you to have them. I guess, I liked you then and didn't even realize it."
"Leo, we can't-"
"I don't want you to tutor me anymore, Heather. I'm not mad...but I can't be friends with you...not right now. I like you too much, and maybe that's my fault. So, I'm sorry."
"I-"
"I've got to go...," I sigh, "goodbye, butterfly."
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