《》Extra, Extra, Read All About It
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Some of you may already know from my here-and-there chatter that I actually work as a *real-life* writer and editor. Yep, it's true!
In honor of my day job, I thought I'd give all the HxH guys jobs in a newsroom.
Here's the positions I think they'd win Pulitzers at.
No FAKE NEWS at this outlet, folks!
-Gon works at the sports desk, and because he's so damn hyper, his editor sends him out to all the games to do on-camera field work
-At this very moment, he's in Tokyo interviewing Naomi Osaka.
-(His phone rings)
-"Hot damn, Aaron Rodgers really confirmed he's going to play for the Packers this season? I'm hopping on a plane to Cali right this fuckin' minute! We're scooping ESPN on this one."
-"I'm sick of copy-editing. I feel like a robot. I want to go with Gon"
-"We only need one field reporter at the games, Kil"
-"Fine. I'll be his cameraman"
-"We already have a cameraman, Kil"
-"Not anymore." (Hands his editor a bag)
-"Jesus Christ, Kil! All right, fuck, dude. Let's just make this look like an accident..."
-"Mr. President, I'm the senior news correspondent, and I'd like to ask you a few questions about your proposed infrastructure plan. Can you go over a few highlights of the bipartisanship nature of this, and exactly how much this is going to cost American taxpayers?"
-He doesn't want to be the health and science writer, but due to his medical school background, that's what he is qualified for
-Consoles himself with the fact that, due to the COVID-19 pandemic, he'll have way more bylines than anyone else
-"I really wanted to be the entertainment reporter"
-Sighing, he returns to writing yet another story about the Delta variant
-"So, darling, spill it. I'm on pins and needles about this upcoming Jeffrey and Ghislane documentary. I hear you have actual footage of Chrissy Teigen on the island? Is that true?"
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-(Delivery person enters, places down a bouquet of flowers)
-"Oh, look, isn't that sweet." (Opens card) "Oh, my, it's a thank-you from Gwen and Blake. Can I just say, that wedding was fab-u-lous?"
-(His phone vibrates)
-"Darling, so sorry for all the interruptions" (Looks at phone, giggles) "Oh, that naughty Brit-Brit. I told her to stop sending me topless photos. It's not a good look when she's in legalities."
-TMZ keeps trying to lure him away
-Editor-in-chief
-Has a plaque that says "ZOLDYCK" sitting on his desk
-Has a penchant for screaming "KILL IT!" when anyone writes a sucky story
-Chrollo is the ominously named "Head of Media Group" whom nobody ever sees. He only emerges during newsroom all-hands meetings for brief appearances, in which he scares the living fuck out of everyone by grimly mentioning quarterly earnings, as well as thinly veiled hints of "major layoffs if you don't all get your numbers up."
-He's on the police/crime beat
-Someone murder their wife? Bury their children in the backyard? Drive their car through a packed shopping mall? Randomly shoot up a government agency? F. Portor on the scene, baby, he's your man.
-TMZ keeps trying to lure him away
-"We really have the best staff photographer"
-"His shots are excellent. I hear he's won several photojournalism awards"
-(Feitan) "Do they know you just snap those things on your phone?"
-(Shalnark) "Shut up, asshole, or I'm sending an anonymous tip to TMZ about you"
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