Hey there, Hunter X Hunter fam. Besties, you all are in luck. If it weren't hot-damnific enough that we got Leorio Paradinight here in our studios the other day...I am here to tell ya, we got the mack daddy of them all today!

We're talking about the guy who is, pardon my Francais, harder than fuck to nail down, the guy who never answers his phone, the guy who...well, you get the picture.

After numerous attempts to get him to agree to an interview, we have the one, the only KURAPIKA with us today.

Kurapika, welcome. We tried to get you to come in for a joint interview with Chrollo...

K: Fuck Chrollo.

Yes, um, yes. Understood. Then we tried to get you in for a joint interview with Leorio...

K: (Rolls eyes, exhales through his nose, gives the camera an exasperated look)

Kurapika--oh, by the way, is it okay to call you "Pika?" Kurapika seems so formal...

K: No.

Oh. Okay, well, then. Kurapika. Let's get into the first thing we really need to dig into right away. How does it feel to be, literally, the sexiest and most intense character in the entire Hunter X Hunter series? You're up against a cast of some pretty hot dudes who have seriously dedicated simps, but you really seem to take the cake.

K: I literally do not give a fuck about this sort of thing.

Ohhhhh. See, this is why you are considered so sexy!

K: (Makes exasperated noise)

Just a disclaimer--we won't get into any spoilers past the Chairman Election Arc, because all good fans know that you become the main protagonist in the manga and we don't want to ruin anyone's fun. Plus all the post Chairman Election stuff is hella confusing TBH, and Chairman Election itself is confusing. All those damn Zodiacs, right? So let's just touch on some good stuff prior to that.

K: (Sits back in chair, folds arms)

All right. Well, you're kind of scaring us a little. Let's just dive into it. Chrollopika.

K: I already said fuck Chrollo, didn't I? And I don't mean literally fuck him.

Why do you think there is an entire ship devoted to you and him?

K: Because people are depraved. Or bored.

Have you read any Chrollopika fic? I mean, don't knock it until you've--

K: I have skimmed some of it. I usually have a vagina in most of it.

How do you feel about that?

K: We'll stop here, okay?

Oh, come on. Do you find Chrollo attractive?

K: Perhaps if he had a vagina. But nobody ever gives him a vagina in fanfic land.

Nobody ever gives Leorio a vagina, either.

K: Good point. They really don't, do they?

Were you really upset when, in the 1999 ship scene, Leorio walked around your room naked? Or did you just punch him out for comedic effect?

K: It was in the script.

Off topic, just for a minute, where do you get your cute little white pajamas? You wear them all the time, and in the Phantom Rouge movie, and gosh...you are so dang cute in them.

K: That's like literally the undergarments to my cultural wardrobe. Cute? This is getting really disgusting. Can someone get me something to drink? A cold bottle of water or something? I'm getting heated up here--

Oooo! Are we actually going to SEE THE EYES TURN RED ON CAMERA?!!! OMG this is going to be like, Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic flight...

K: Shut the fuck up, please. (Accepts a bottle of water) Thank you.

Oh, speaking of vaginas, another HxH character who never gets a fanfic vagina is Hisoka.

K: (Takes sip of water) Thanks for informing me. I spend a lot of time pondering Hisoka's reproductive organs and fanfic fantasies about that matter, so I'm really glad to have that cleared up.

Well, that just sort of goes into our next question. In the Hunter Exam arc, what exactly did Hisoka whisper to you during your fight? NOBODY KNOWS!

K: I don't remember.

Kurapika! Come on. This is like saying Jesus didn't remember His last words on the cross. You're really letting us down, here.

K: You're talking like Chrollo now. That's a huge turn-off.

Okay, okay. Let's roll into the Yorknew arc. Can you tell us...

K: I know what scene you're going to ask about. Save it.

All right. Fine. You're really making this a buzz kill, Kurapika. How about you tell us this. How many times did Uvogin have to pee on the way to the Gordeau Desert?

K: What?

Well, he was full of leech eggs and Shalnark had him drink like 800 beers to get rid of them. I'm sure you had to pull over a few times before you fought him to the death, right?

K: This was not in the script. Can I have another bottle of water?

You'll need to cool off for the next question. Okay, we'll just come right out with it. How did you manage to change your clothes in that one scene, you know the one, where you have Chrollo in Chain Jail? I mean, since you're chained to him and all that...wouldn't he have had to like see you...

K: (Rolls eyes) I'm not dignifying this with an answer. Perhaps you should ask Chrollopika twt or something? Or what do they call it? krkr?

Fine, fine. Boo. As long as we have you here...another personal question.

K: (Sighs) I really have to get going pretty soon, I'm a very busy person.

If Melody had not been cursed by the Sonata of Darkness and remained a super hot chick, would you have tried to hit on her and start up a relationship with her?

K: You are more depraved than Chrollopika or krkr or whatever they call it. Okay, I think that's about it for today...

One last thing! LEOPIKA?

K: I never answer Leorio's calls. I'm sure he's told you that, hasn't he?

Wait. How could we forget the most important thing?

K: I'm on the edge of my seat.

What is your opinion on the substance called "precum?"

K: I have no opinion on it, but based on my research prepping for the Succession Contest arc, getting myself all psyched up to be the main protagonist and making sure I had all my facts straight--Hunter x Hunter has a shitload of episodes, you know--it is to my understanding that this is something that Hisoka and Illumi Zoldyck produce gallons of on a regular basis. Hisoka, apparently, when he fought Chrollo to the death, produced a ton of it.

Very good, Kurapika! No personal opinion on it all?

K: Nah. Too bad it didn't have any Nen-infused ability to drown out that MF'er Chrollo for good. So I don't have to look at his in Chrollopika fanfic.