Hey hey, Hunter x Hunter fans! Did you enjoy our uncensored interview with the one and only Chrooooooooooo-llo Lucilfer yesterday? (https://www.wattpad.com/1101568934-more-hunter-x-hunter-boyfriend-scenarios-chrollo)

Good news! We have another special guest in the studio today!

Now, here's a celeb that almost never grants interviews, so we are over the moon with excitement for this one. This guy is practically on the level of Frank Ocean when it comes to avoiding the press, folks, so you better believe we are rubbing our hands with glee.

Ladies and gents and everything in between, without further ado, please welcome Dr. Leorio Paradinight!

Hi, Leorio! Oh--sorry--is "Leorio" okay, or should we address you as "Doctor?"

LP: Well, shh, I actually haven't gotten my M.D. yet. Let's keep that on the down-low, okay...I don't want to spoil a million fanfics that cast me as a healthcare professional. So yes, "Leorio" will do fine.

Very good. Leorio, if you don't mind, we'd like to jump right in with some questions that you might find sensitive...feel free to slow it down if you're uncomfortable.

LP: Me? Uncomfortable? (Laughs) Everyone knows I'm shameless. Let's have at it, what's on your mind?

Well, okay. Let's just say it. Despite being a really good-looking, smart, and nice dude, you win hands-down as the HxH character that everyone seems to think is totally unsexy. In fact, there are quite a lot of unflattering descriptions of you on Twitter and in fanfic commentary. Why do you think this is so?

LP: Hey, I can't account for other people's bad taste! But yeah, I don't really get it myself. There seems to be some weird backlash against the fact that I'm tall and thin.

Yes, which makes no sense, because you basically have the same body type as Illumi, just maybe a couple inches taller. And we all know how everyone creams their pants for Illumi.

LP: Hell, I have a better body than Illumi. He never takes his shirt off. What's he hiding? A pair of D-cups? Meanwhile, everyone's seen how ripped I am, numerous times. I whip that shirt off, and stride around loud and proud. I look fucking good, if I do say myself.

Maybe it's because you don't cinch your waist all cute and perky like Illumi does. You might want to ditch the boxy blazer?

LP: Actually, I think it's all about the hair. Nobody lusts after teenage short-haired Illumi. All these fans are such an easy mark.

Teenage Illumi wears a baggy hoodie. So, see what I mean?

LP: Grown-up Illumi wears fucking flame-printed pants. 'Nuff said. It's the hair, dude.

So, why not grow your hair, then? Maybe it would look good on you. You could try something subtle, like shoulder-length, just to see how it goes over.

LP: No. Let's face it. I'd look grungy with long hair. Like someone who goes to Phish shows. Is Phish still around? They were in 1999.

How about sort of a modified shaggy cut, like Chrollo? He gets a lot of drooly attention too.

LP: No. I'd just look like a dirtbag. Fuck. I'd look like Ging. Plus, let's remember I really am studying to be a doctor. If you walked into your GP's office with a sinus infection, would you really want some guy with a Ging hairdo feeling you up with his stethoscope? We healthcare professionals like to keep it professional.

Fair enough. But anyway, not to harp on this, but let's do a little experiment. Let's look up the tags for the Adultrio and compare the fanfic titles we find to the ones we find for you.

LP: (Sighs) Fine, fine. Who should we start with? Illumi? (Taps on his phone) Here we go.

What titles are you finding?

LP: "BABYDADDY"..."UNWANTED DESIRES"..."SADISTIC LOVE"...(bursts into laughter) Oh God..."THE ASSASSIN'S ASS--"

Noooooooooooo!

LP: "ASSET." Sorry.

Okay, okay, so let's move on to Hisoka.

LP: (Taps on phone) "THE JOKER'S QUEEN"..."DANGEROUS CLOWNERY"..."50 SHADES OF HISOKA"....

And Chrollo?

LP: (Taps on phone) "THE SINFUL BOSS"..."LUCIFER'S LOVER"..."THE SPIDER'S TRAP"...

OK, look up "Leorio" tag now.

LP: (Taps on phone) "IT'S MISTER LEORIO!"..."JUST FUN HUNTER X HUNTER MEMES (NO SMUT!)"..."BALD LEORIO X READER"...what the fuck is that?..."LEOPIKA"

Ooo! Now we're getting somewhere. What do you think of--

LP: Of Leopika? (Sighs) Well, I guess I have to get action somewhere in fandom, don't I? I don't exactly understand the ship, I kind of get the Chrollopika ship more because at least there's tension. Leopika, we just snuggle and bake cookies and bullshit like that. Boring.

A little G-rated, yes.

LP: I mean, I'm the only dude in Hunter x Hunter who actually got his hand up a chick's skirt. Like, canonically. While Illumi was digging holes and trying to make Mommy and Daddy happy, and Hisoka was staring at little kids' asses, and Chrollo was reading the fucking Bible or whatever, I actually felt a chick up. And I get relegated to baking cookies with Kurapika.

You know, we tried to get Kurapika here today in the studio. To do a joint interview with you. But he said no. Don't feel bad, he negged on Chrollo, too.

LP: I'm not surprised. Kurapika is a very private person. I think he just really wants everyone to leave him alone. He never takes my calls.

Well, I guess the advantage of being the good straightlaced guy who never inspires any filthy sex scenes is that you don't have to deal with any gnarly objectification of your naughty bits.

LP: What do you mean? Objectify how? Like, talk about how huge one's package is?

Oh, way worse. Graphic descriptions of gushing precum, and stuff like that.

LP: Let me tell you a little something. Did I mention I am a doctor? Well--almost? Here's a little secret about precum. Only a small amount of that stuff comes out. I can explain the physiological process, if you'd like.

Perhaps someone will write a fic about you describing the physiological process of precum. That might be kind of juicy.

LP: I'm down for it. Hit me up, boys and girls! Now, if you excuse me, I've got to run. I've got an appointment at the barber scheduled for noon sharp.