Welcome, Hunter x Hunter fans, back to our program--where we bring you your favorite celebs to spill the tea and then some!

Just recently we had the totally exclusive appearance from Hisoka Morow and Illumi Zoldyck, discussing the mysteries of the Hisoillu Ship Phenomenon (https://www.wattpad.com/1090059799-more-hunter-x-hunter-boyfriend-scenarios-hisoka) and we certainly learned some juicy details from that!

Well good news! Today, we have their Adultrio buddy, Chrollo Lucilfer, otherwise known as "Danchou," here in the studio. This is a seriously exclusive interview, folks--we're talking on the level of Britney Spears discussing her conservatorship battle. So without further ado, let's all say hello to our guest star!

So, first off, what do you prefer to be called? Mr. Lucilfer? Boss? Danchou? We certainly want to make sure we address you correctly.

CL: Chrollo is fine. He/him. Thanks.

Very good. Okay, well, in all honesty, Chrollo, we have lots of questions that have to do with fanfic predilections. Some of these might be a little sensitive.

CL: By sensitive, do you mean "disgusting?"

Well, perhaps not that strong of a word. But let's just dig right in. Why don't we just get it over with. One word: Chrollopika.

CL: (Sighs) How did I know this was coming?

Because you're smart, and you read a lot!

CL: (SIGHS) I actually do not read any more than the average person. I have no idea where that came from, seriously. It's kind of annoying that everyone makes me out to be this Poindexter nerd. I don't even own a pair of eyeglasses.

No offense, Danchou, but--DUH--your whole specialization revolves around a book. It's impossible to cosplay you without a book. I mean, I'd recognize a Chrollo cosplayer without the earrings before I recognized him without a book.

CL: (Fingers earlobe) Seriously? Okay, well, on the note of the book--I mean, for fuck's sake, I steal other people's abilities. For the sake of convenience I just put them all in a book so they're, like, there for reference. I really don't get how this simple method of organization--which is like basically taking notes in class--has somehow blown up into me being Mr. Bibliophile.

It could be worse. You could be known for--

CL: I know, I know. Bungee gum.

Right. Now, back to Chrollopika. Why do you think a subset of fans like to ship you with a teenager who hates your guts? For good reason, I mean. You killed his entire family.

CL: I don't know. Kinky, ain't it?

We tried to get Kurapika to come today, and have you two give a joint interview, but he refused.

CL: I don't blame him. (Looks at camera) Pika, babe, sorry. It wasn't my idea, I swear.

Do you have feelings for Kurapika? You can tell the truth.

CL: He's cute. He looks really cute in that one scene where he dresses up like a girl.

Have you watched 1999 Yorknew Arc where he--

CL: (Puts up a hand) Stop. I know what scene you are talking about. That's enough.

Just checking. Okay, let's move on. Another thing we wanted to ask you about: Lots of fanfic has you as the third wheel in a Hisoka/Illumi sandwich. Or, if we are discussing hetero-oriented fanfic, you're always the dude who swoops in and tries to steal the girl away from Hisoka or Illumi but never quite succeeds. How do you feel about this? It's kind of rude, don't you think?

CL: Oh, I don't know. At least I'm not like poor Illumi, who is constantly forced to impregnate the hired help or some psycho assassin bimbo his parents arranged a marriage with in 200 million fanfics. Nobody wants to marry me or have babies with me, which is awesome, I get to fool around with no consequences. I'll deal with being the boy toy in the Hisoillu universe; I consider myself pretty lucky I don't have to handle the shit they do.

Can you tell us a secret about Illumi and Hisoka?

CL: Maybe. What do you want to know?

How much precum do they actually produce in sex scenes?

CL: I can't speak to that, because they always have me in such compromising positions I can't even tell you how big their dicks are, let alone how much stuff comes out of them. I exist in Hisoillu world solely as a prop.

If you had to pick between Illumi and Hisoka, which one?

CL: Illumi, duh. That should be obvious. I'm into death and murder and all that, but it would get really tiring having to deal with Hisoka wanking off about that constantly. I already frigging killed him once and that was a bitch of a procedure. Talk about needing a book for guidance. That was like a damn dissertation. Plus, I'm Illumi's boss. He has to do what I tell him to do. That's kind of hot, no?

Can we move on to some Phantom Troupe talk?

CL: Certainly. That's my jam.

How come you never get it on with anyone in the Troupe? I mean, besides Hisoillu sandwiches, which don't really count. Like the OG Troupe.

CL: It would be very messy. Think about it. Plus, who would you do in the Troupe? I mean, come on. They're kind of freaky--like not in a good way.

Feitan.

CL: Oh, Jesus. Okay, fine, my bad--I had to ask.

Is Feitan actually, like literally, as short as he looks, or is that exaggerated?

CL: He's that short. Do not ask me about his penis. I know everyone likes to speculate on that.

Have you seen it?

CL: In the men's room or something, probably, when we were both taking a leak. But I didn't, like, stare at it. I'm his boss. I don't go looking for potential litigation for fun.

The Troupe girls are hot. What about one of them?

CL: Honey. Do you really think I have what they want? (Clears throat loudly) I said, my preferred pronouns are...

Okay, okay. Enough of discussing Troupe sex.

CL: Thank you.

We're starting to run out of time, though, Danchou. How about we ask you this one last question. What is the biggest myth or misconception about your character in the series?

CL: That I'm religious.

For real? No way!

CL: Dude. This is like the ridiculous notion that I'm a bookworm. I mean, for H-E-double-hockey-stick's sake, I go around wearing upside-down crosses and my last name is Lucilfer.

You actually have a quote where you reference Jesus in the Bible, though.

CL: Because I--like basically every person on the planet--happen to know who Jesus is, that makes me religious? Sheesh, talk about parasitic evangelism. You know, I actually have been trying to fight this misconception. I have been listening to a bunch of Satanic death metal lately...

Do you like it?

CL: Naw, that's the problem. It's not really my thing.

What kind of music do you like?

CL: Well, no offense, but duh. Classical.

Classical? Seriously?

CL: Of course! How do you think I learned how to conduct?

You actually were conducting for real on top of that building? It kind of looked like you were just waving your hands around dramatically.

CL: Hmph. I guess I didn't fool anyone, did I.

Oh, we just got a question from the audience. So we'll make this the last question. Dear Chrollo: Do you go without a shirt under your coat because the coat is too warm to wear inside, or are you just doing it to be sexy?

CL: Ah, the secret of the shirtless coat. You'll have to go find my book and see if I wrote down the answer to that one.

Come on, spill it, Chrollo.

CL: Honestly. I lent my shirt to Hisoka after he allegedly got it on with Illumi in the men's room on the airship prior to the bar scene. He never gave it back.

Why did he need your shirt? What happened to his?

CL: (Winks) Bungee gum? Precum? We'll never know.