Aw yeah, guess what I've been doing all week! You got it--more obsessive fanfic absorption.

I am already writing the REAL real Feitan Portor story, a.k.a. the Ultimate Feitan Portor History (which you can find in progress here: https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/274951715-hxh-boyfriends-the-lost-brother)...so I decided to take it upon myself to do a little Feitan fic research.

To my great delight I have realized he is the victim of as many ridiculous repeated scenarios and indicators as his younger brother (oop! spoiler) Illumi and his boss Chrollo. (We won't discuss Hisoka, because as I've already noted, all Hisoka fanfic is so cringingly awful I can't even go near it.)

Here's what I have discovered are popular repeated themes in Feitan fiction:

-Okay, okay, we all get it: He speaks weird. How this is handled varies. Either the author of the fic totally goes with it (and we are subjected to an irritating, hard-to-read cadence throughout the entire story), or his odd phrasing magically disappears once it has been established.

-If the author does choose to struggle with authentically replicating Feitan's weirdo way of speaking, it's very rare they can maintain it perfectly--let's face it, it's a damn tiring thing to write--and it's quite amusing to spot the accidental drop-outs into "regular" phrasing.

-Feitan is a grumpy mofo. When Y/N bumps into him, he is inevitably snarly, even if it's a totally innocuous situation. Like, you enter the Starbucks, and you see Feitan standing there. You ask him "Excuse me, are you in line?" and he bites your head off for no reason. That sort of thing.

-Still, despite this highly unpleasant toxicity, you are mysteriously drawn to him, because he's Just. That. Sexy. YEAH!

-(If Milluki Zoldyck--who looks exactly like Feitan, except fat--acted like this to you, you'd call him an asshole to his face, admit it, you shallow beast)

-If you don't run into Feitan in a Starbucks or something like that, you are generally the long-lost Zoldyck sibling that nobody has heard of (blah, blah, blah) and the Phantom Troupe has captured you and turned you over to Feitan to torture (too bad this isn't a Chrollo fanfic, because then Chrollo would just swoop in and rape you--which you enjoy because he is the LORD MASTER OF DEATH)

-Feitan wields his best skills on you, and you take it, because you have some sort of crazy-ass Nen, but he eventually feels sorry for you and provides tender after-care cleaning up all your wounds. Why he does this is inexplicable because as we have mentioned, he is a snarly mofo

-Following the tender after-care, he fucks the living shit out of you, very noisily on both of your parts

-The Phantom Troupe, instead of being out killing people or going to auctions or whatever, all happen to be home that night (except Chrollo) and listen in on the noisy sex session

-Every one of them (except Chrollo) teases you and Feitan the next morning about it (seriously, this happens in like 200 Feitan fics, I have no idea why the Troupe finds Feitan's sex life so amusing)

-Chrollo ambles in apropos of nothing, and gravely tells everyone to simmer down

-Feitan, despite rarely canonically interacting with the female members of the Troupe, finds himself madly in love and goes to Machi or Shizuku for advice on how a guy should woo a girl properly (irony: Neither one of these women are ideal choices for this sort of counseling, but I suppose beggars can't be choosers)

-You are overcome at the remarkable change in Feitan once he has fallen in love. He suddenly becomes a lovely human being overnight who blushes, murmurs sweet nothings, and all that. Every third paragraph or so, though, he interjects some sort of nasty Tch!-type statement, just so nobody forgets who he is.

-Feitan says "Tch!" a lot. The mystery: What does this word actually mean?

-The fact that he is a midget is generally touched upon cautiously at the beginning of the fic, then set aside as an inconvenience better left forgotten

-Oh, speaking of size. Sorry to be dirty, but Feitan wins the silver medal for Mentions Of A Huge Dong in fanfic. (Illumi wins gold--that poor guy apparently can't even walk without tripping over himself.) Feitan's dick is the stuff of legends

With that, shall we go ahead and roll right into...?

Chapter 1

It's 3 pm and you could really use a coffee break. Cracking your knuckles, you press the "away" button on your Slack notifications and take a little walk to the Starbucks next door to your office building.

As you enter, you see two guys standing in front of the snack display case. One guy is short. Like, really, really short. Like really really really short. Did we mention short? Yeah, he's super short. The other guy is this big fat dude.

"Excuse me, are you in line?"

The short guy turns around and gives you a charming smile. "Why, no. Please do go ahead of us, my dear," he says, in a melodic, articulate voice.

You think he's kind of smarmy. "Thanks."

The fat dude says "Fuck you, bitch. TCH!" under his breath.

You gaze at the fat dude, and your heart helplessly goes THUMP!

Chapter 2

As you return to the office, your boss tells you that there is going to be a guest speaker this afternoon. "It's a seminar on how to effectively communicate!"

You go to the conference room and to your surprise, the speaker is the short short short guy from Starbucks. He gives a flawless presentation on how to properly phrase your thoughts in a manner that effectively translates to various teams across the board.

After the presentation is over, you say to him, "That was lovely--you are a wonderful speaker."

"Tch!" he says, in his smooth, flawless voice. "It was nothing."

You go back to your desk, but spot him on the phone over in the corner talking to someone. Curious, you cock an ear to eavesdrop on his conversation.

"A'hm jest sayin', Momma," he is drawling, in a heavy Southern accent. "Tell Mee-Maw I ain't gone make it to no dang Sunday dinner this-um week. 'Kay? I'ze too busy."

Chapter 3

You were really hoping to go out with the fat dude. You even managed to rope him into conversation the next time you ran into him at Starbucks.

While drinking coffee and watching him stuff Kettle Chips into his mouth, the two of you begin making small talk, which turns into comparing notes about your respective families.

To your horror, you discover that you and the fat guy are actually second cousins.

Chapter 4

In tears, you confess to the short dude that you are super upset because you can't date his fat friend. "I had no idea I was the long-lost Zoldyck cousin," you sob.

The short short short dude says, "Tch," sympathetically, then adds, "Why don't y'all--I mean, that is, you--come back to my place? We can talk about it more there."

Sniffing, you agree. "Fine. Okay."

"I have a few roommates," he says. "But it's okay. They're nice."

Chapter 5

While at the short dude's place, he grills you mercilessly about your feelings for the fat dude.

"This is torture!" you cry out, tears running down your face. "I can only take it for so long!"

Without warning, he takes a Kleenex and wipes your eyes, then holds it to your nose. "Blow."

"Tch!" he exclaims. "I know how to make you feel better, sugah--uh, I mean, darling."

Before you realize what is happening, the two of you are naked and getting it on.

He's kind of not packing much in the you-know-what department, but he's got some good motion in his ocean, so the two of you are pretty loud about it.

Chapter 6

"Wow. Sorry I was so loud. I think I screamed loud enough to wake the neighbors."

"Tch. No worries."

"What about your roommates?"

"They're never home and they could care less what I do."

You recall seeing a box of Tampax in the bathroom. "You have girl roommates?"

"Yeah. Couple of bimbos. Always trying to give me dating advice. As if. I just ignore them."

The phone rings.

"Oh shit, it's my boss."

Chapter 7

As you continue to date the short dude, you begin to find yourself falling madly in love. But the closer you try to get to him, the crankier he gets.

"I gol-darn dang it swear, gurrrrl--" he stops and corrects himself. "I mean, shit, woman! You're starting to bother me with all this feelings and relationship stuff."

"I thought you were in love with me too!"

"I'm not a nice person when I fall in love. For corn's sake. I mean, sorry, for Godsake, that is."

"Tch!"

"Tch, yourself."

You get angry. "Did I ever tell you that you are a midget and you have a minuscule dick?"

"Tch. Why don't you go date my fat friend?"

"We're cousins, that's why!"

"Well, ha ha. I bet you know what I have to say to that...."

"TCH!!!!!!"