(Disclaimer: I'm making fun of myself here, because I absolutely LOVE Hisoka/Illumi ship, I'm addicted to it like crack!)

As long as we are dissecting fanfic around here, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to bring out a couple of our favorite celebs and interview them a bit about what it's like to be in the SHIPPING SPOTLIGHT.

This is a totally exclusive interview! This is, like, even more exclusive than Harry and Meghan with Oprah! Read on because there are going to be some bombshell revelations, folks!

Please welcome to our studio one of the most depraved ships in existence: Hisoka Morow and Illumi Zoldyck!

Welcome, guys. Now, I'm going to ask you some questions that might be a bit sensitive. Feel free to slow it down at any point.

HM: No problem, lay it on.

IZ: Sure thing.

Okay, well, the first thing I have to ask is, why do people ship you together at all? There is virtually nothing in HxH that suggests sexual tension between the two of you. Yet fanfic has you basically fucking each other's brains out in every conceivable scenario/position possible.

HM: (Whistles) When you wish upon a star...

IZ: I know, it kind of baffles me as well, if you want the truth. But, given that I am actually a side character in the grand scheme of things, I'm happy to take whatever bit of Hisoka's spotlight I can. If that means I have to fuck him 20 different ways a day, then sure, what the heck. I'm pretty tough, you know.

Well, to get a little more in depth. Fans tend to read all sorts of things into your scenes, which to be honest are rather unsexy. Let's take the bar scene, for example?

HM: Huh? (elbows Illumi)

IZ: HUH?

HM & IZ: (Together) OH! (Burst into laughter)

HM: Yep, that one gets 'em going, doesn't it?

Yes, and why? The two of you are discussing how you're both going to die--along with Illumi's entire family and God only knows who else. Frankly, that would deflate my hard-on, but fans seem to think otherwise...

HM: (Shrugs) I dunno. I guess it's sort of flattering. I'm sitting there chugging booze and there's sweat running down my forehead as I'm panicking about my imminent demise, while Illumi sits there cheerfully clueless and rattling on about his little brother, and people read sex into it.

IZ: I wasn't turned on. Apparently we went to the mens' room and fucked before that scene, or so I hear that is the theory. Something having to do with the fact I changed my clothes. Because, you know, I generally carry around a change of clothes with me wherever I go. Just in case I fuck Hisoka in the mens' room and it gets messy. I like to stay a few steps ahead.

Oh, speaking of messy. Can we discuss something kind of related? It's a sensitive topic.

HM: Sure, sure.

IZ: Hunter X Hunter is a messy series. Let's hear it.

Well, okay, there seems to be this fascination in your shipping fanfic with a substance called precum. Every time the two of you have sex, there is intricate description of precum and how you use it as lube. Can you really produce enough of that stuff to actually use it as an effective lube substitute?

IZ: Well, no. Honestly, and this is off the record, if I'm going to fuck someone I don't rely on that, I just use good old fashioned coconut oil. It's all-natural.

HM: He's such a hippie.

IZ: What do you use? The cherry-flavored shit from the Romantixxx store?

HM: Have you been poking in my medicine cabinet?

IZ: Dude. That stuff gives you cancer.

HM: Back to precum. The answer is no, only a tiny bit of that stuff comes out, but as in all fanfic trope, MORE IS MORE, so I suppose it is good fun to have us gush like geysers.

Illumi, change of subject. Why do you think there are so many stories about you struggling with your closeted homosexuality? Why are you constantly dating women and getting married and having babies but still going off to fuck Hisoka against your better judgement?

IZ: Well, again, I'm not sure where any of this came from. In HxH canon I am a rather asexual character. I suppose girls find me sexy and wish I actually existed in real life, so they make me--relatively--hetero. We need to have tension in the story, however, so...

HM: So they make you a raging closeted queer who is always dragging me back to the Zoldyck mansion and fucking you secretly behind closed doors. Meanwhile your wife or girlfriend or whatever finds out, and threatens to break up with you, and I'm the asshole...

IZ: Slow down, slow down. They also create tension by making me a real ice cube. I talk. Like. This. All. The. Time.

HM: I know, I know. It's terribly un-erotic.

IZ: And I'm a creep. I always want to kill my significant other, or control her like a robot. I'm never nice. Getting me to say "I love you" or even "how's your day going?" is nonexistent in Illumi fanfic. Any time I express some sort of human emotion, I do something like this (cocks head, looks upward quizzically).

HM: You must be an awfully good fuck, though. You knock girls up right and left, even though you treat them like dogshit. How many kids do you have now? 30?

IZ: (Raises eyebrow) Well, you would know. According to fanfic, you fuck me more than anyone. Ten times more than anyone.

Okay, let's switch gears. This is basic Hisoillu 101. Let's talk about the really naughty fanfic. Like the ones where Hisoka gets it on with other Zoldycks.

IZ: He gets it on with who? My brothers? My parents? I haven't read those. That's pretty novel. Does he get it on with my grandfather? I know Zeno is quite popular.

HM: Oh please, no. Can't I just get it on with Chrollo?

IZ: Certainly. I believe there is tons of fanfic where we both ream the shit out of Chrollo.

HM: Tons of precum!

IZ: Poor Danchou. He never gets any real love. All my canon interactions with him are even drier than the ones with you, so I'm not sure where this all comes from.

HM: I hear they like to ship him with Kurapika.

IZ: (Shudders) Oh, gross. Well, shit. They have you fucking Killua in some stories, don't they?

HM: At least I alluded--if jokingly--to that in the actual canon.

IZ: Just please stay away from Kalluto. (Musing) Why does nobody ever want to fuck my brother Milluki?

HM: Duh, Illumi, he's not in good shape. It's not very PC but that's the truth. Meanwhile you are prancing around in your sleeveless shirts and your ass-length hair...

IZ: If he were skinny, everyone would be having 20 babies with Milluki and making HIM fuck around with Chrollo. I mean, he's basically a tall Feitan, and we know how girls feel about Feitan. I swear, sometimes I just can't with this audience. Sorry, are we going off track?

No, that's fine. You're giving us such invaluable insight into this! Can you tell us what you think is the scene in which you actually do have a little bit of sexual tension? Is there one?

HM: The Gittarackur scene, maybe?

IZ: Are you kidding? All you did was say "Oh wow, this is so cool to watch," and then you didn't even fucking watch. You stared at the ground with that dumb smile on your face.

HM: Dumb smile? You're the one who went and dug the stupid hole after that and buried yourself like a damn gopher.

IZ: Okay, see, this was not a sexy scene whatsoever. We do not have any sexy scenes. Period.

HM: Well, wait. Maybe the scene where I text you and ask for your help covering for me while I go hunt down Chrollo. The way you say "Iiyo" is kind of hot.

IZ: (Exasperated) But then I told you that you had to fucking pay me. It's not like I was being coy.

HM: Okay, Illu, I give up. Yes indeed, there are no sexy scenes between us.

IZ: You get kind of sexy with Chrollo. You're, like, sprung as hell in that scene where you're about to fight him.

HM: (Sighs) Yes. I'm telling you, I'm not getting why they ship me with you. Fans, can you get more original? Can you start shipping me more with Chrollo or something? I'm getting sick of staring at Illumi's ass all the time.

You heard it here, folks. That's Hisoka Morow himself asking you all to give the Illumi thing a break. How about you, Illumi? Are you good with fans giving it a rest?

IZ: (Laughs) Weren't we just discussing how I am a canonical cold ice cube who doesn't give a crap about anything? Do whatever you want with Hisoka, guys and gals.

HM: Thanks a lot, dude.

IZ: You can borrow my coconut oil, baby. Oh wait. Precum. I forgot.