So I have been indulging in total fanfic absorption this week and I was struck by the revelation that a lot of the Illumi fanfics have similar plotlines.

Here's a few typical scenarios that keep popping up...I have seen them over and over in multiple stories (presented in various ways/slants):

-You are an assassin who has known Illumi since childhood and his parents have arranged for you to marry him

-You actually work for the Zoldycks as an employee--either that, or you are an old family friend--but, anyway, he bonked you one night and now you're knocked up and screwed

-You're generally under age 21 in all these scenarios

-He's a cold-ass prick who is rude to you constantly and an utter control freak who will barely let you go pee on your own, but somehow you never get tired of being treated like shit, you keep begging him for the bone

-You end up having gazillions of babies with him (or at least more than one or two)

-He tries (or threatens) to kill you

-Bonus: He tries (or threatens) to kill you while you are pregnant

-His mother hates you and is a bitch

-His grandfather is a lovable, Santa Claus-type guy who swoops in and comforts you when things get too unbearable

-He is a raging closeted queer for Hisoka

-Chrollo gets thrown in as a "Look at this charming prince you could have fucked instead" scenario

-He has an unhealthy obsession with Killua

I decided I would have a little fun with these Illumi case studies and write my own version.

Bingo! I present to you:

Chapter 1

You are a global strategies assistant at the big marketing firm in town. Your boss calls a team meeting on Wednesday and you notice there are Krispy Kremes in the middle of the conference table. "What's the big occasion?"

"Oh," says your boss. "I wanted to welcome the newest member of our team! This is Illumi, he is our brand-new data analyst who just started this week. Y/N, why don't you show him around the office and introduce him to everyone!"

Chapter 2

You have lunch with the handsome data analyst and admire his long, raven locks. "What's your last name?" you ask him. "I'll have HR make up an access badge for you so you can get into the parking garage."

He tells you. "Unique name," you say. "I've never heard of that before! I thought I knew all the families in town. Oh, by the way, can I also have your birthday, so HR can put it into their system, we get bonuses on our birthdays."

He tells you. "Wow! Same as mine!" you marvel. "What year?"

He tells you. "Wow! I'm 37 too!"

Chapter 3

You've been dating the arrestingly stunning pale-faced data analyst for some time now and he's told you his life story. He's twice divorced and has one child.

His first wife divorced him because despite all their efforts, they weren't able to get pregnant. He went to the urologist who, sadly, informed him that he had a terrible case of low sperm count and that adoption was the only answer.

After divorcing, he leapt into a new marriage a little too quickly, and after doing some research he gave up smoking weed and bought himself slightly looser boxers.

Bingo! That did the trick. He managed to knock up his second wife, but just once. "I guess I only had one shot in me," he laments.

"That's OK, I'm almost 40, I don't want kids anyway."

Chapter 4

After dating for two years, he asks you to marry him. You happily accept.

His mother texts you and asks you to go to lunch.

She's a lovely, sweet woman who confesses to you that she just didn't get along with her two previous daughters-in-law.

"If only arranged marriages were in fashion! Silva and I certainly would have taken advantage of that," she laughs. "Illu has a gift for picking the wrong types. But you seem just right for him, honey. Third time's a charm!"

Chapter 5

Wedding planning is getting on both of your nerves and Illumi is being a total dick to you, snapping at you right and left over virtually nothing.

After a few days of this you have totally had enough.

When he tries to get busy with you that evening, you slap him away and tell him he's a rude jerk and he can go spank it in the other room if he's horny. "Get a better attitude and maybe I'll reconsider," you huff.

"I'm sorry, baby," he whines. "I didn't mean to get into an argument about wedding cake flavors with you. You can make all the decisions, okay?"

Chapter 6

During idle pillow talk one night, he starts talking about his second wife, the one who is his kid's mother.

"Yeah, she had all these weird fetishes. One night she was reading some crazy vampire novel or something, and the vampire kills the girl while she's pregnant, and she was pregnant at the time, so she says to me, 'Illu, that's kind of hot, would you ever roleplay murdering me, you know...nothing real or anything like that..'."

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know how much money we spent at the infertility clinic and the urologist? If I killed you, that would all go down the drain.'"

Chapter 7

While going over plans for the reception with the wedding planner, you are met by Kikyo, who is showing up to help with seating arrangements. She's pushing a super old geezer in a wheelchair.

"Just thought we'd get Grandpa out for some fresh air," she chirps. "It's his day out from the nursing home. Grandpa, say hello to Illu's fiancee."

Grandpa gives you a sour look-over. "His last one was a hell of a lot better looking. You after his money, girlie?"

"Grandpa!" gasps Kikyo. Bending to whisper in your ear, she says, "Don't mind him, dear, he's a bit S-E-N-I-L-E."

Chapter 8

You come home from the store with an armload of groceries and holler, "Can you come help me, babe? I've got to carry in all this stuff."

No answer. Irritated, you put the bags down and walk into the living room. Illumi and Hisoka, dressed in Lakers jerseys, are sprawled out on the couch glued to March Madness, drinking beer, and belching. "Yeah, I filled out my bracket last week, bro," Illumi is saying.

Hisoka looks up and sees you. "Oh hi, honey," he says, scratching his armpit. "You went to the store? Any snacks? Check out the gozangas on that Gonzaga cheerleader," he addresses Illumi.

"Slam dunk," agrees Illumi. "Holy mother of fuck! JUMP SHOT! Baby, grab me another beer?"

Irritated, you get them beers, and bring out some hummus and vegetables.

Illumi gives the food an annoyed look. "Oh come on, not this pussy-ass shit. Not during the finals! Call up Dominos or something."

The game goes on a commercial break. Hisoka stands up. "I gotta take a shit. Be right back."

After Hisoka finally leaves, you say to Illumi, "God, you sure spend a lot of time with Hisoka. You looooooove him."

"What are you insinuating?" he laughs. "If I were a queer I'd pick someone a lot better looking than that 'roided out motherfucker who stinks up our bathroom."

Chapter 9

While you're at work the next day, the handsome raven-haired data analyst drops by your cubicle. "Did you check out the new guy?"

"No, what department?"

"Finance. He looks totally full of himself."

Curious, you take a little walk past the finance area. Sure enough, there is a good-looking dude who has taken over the desk by the window. You examine him a little more closely as he is setting up his computer and phone.

He suddenly looks up and gives you a big smile and a wink. "Hi, there," he says.

"Hi." You walk away, arms swinging, making sure your engagement ring is in full sight. What a schmuck.

Chapter 10

Kikyo calls. "Illumi, sweetheart," she says, while you have her on speakerphone. "We have to decide on the wedding party. First of all, who's going to be your best man?"

"Milluki," answers Illumi.

"What about Killua? He's going to be so surprised you didn't pick him."

"Mom, I'm 37 years old and I've had it with Killua. Do you know how many times he's flaked out on important shit? He barely even made it on time to my last wedding. Send him a message. If he and Gon waltz in halfway through the ceremony like they did last time, they're totally off my Hanukkah card list for good."