So, I was bored today and read a bunch of goofball smut on here and found a few stories about the ol' 7 minutes in heaven game. You know, where you go in the closet together and theoretically do dirty things (or whatever, depending on how much you like each other) until the timer goes off.

Of course, I decided to try my hand at it...you know me, always up for a challenge.

So anyway, someone is having a party and they get the bright idea to do 7 minutes in heaven. You throw everyone's name into a hat and, here is how it goes, assuming you choose THAT guy's name.

-You're a little older than Gon, so you feel kind of weird doing this, but the two of you go in the closet, both of you giggling like crazy

-Hisoka calls out, "I'm setting my phone timer, darlings, now don't do anything I wouldn't do...aren't you in luck, that leaves it wide open, doesn't it?"

-To your surprise, Gon is smooth as fuck. He starts making out with you like a pro. Smoochy smoochy, wa-hoo! You're beyond shocked at his game

-"How'd you learn to kiss like that?"

-"Ah, my aunt made me take all these chicks out on dates, older gals who have a thing for younger men"

-You feel slightly nauseated. "Uh--"

-"Time's up!" announces Hisoka. "I want a FULL report"

-Kil is also a youngun, but he's pretty cute.

-You were kind of hoping you'd get his older brother, but hell, a Zoldyck is a Zoldyck, right?

-He is nervous as crap

-You put your arm around him and tell him to relax. "Don't you, like, murder people and get beaten with whips and let massive amounts of electric current flow through your body? This is literally nothing compared to that"

-(Pause...pause...pause)

-"Kil, we need to do something or Hisoka is going to make unmerciful fun of us"

-"I have, like, this needle in my brain and it kind of impairs my ability to--"

-"Oh hush, quit blaming it on the damn needle and get over here"

-He leans forward and gives you a peck on the lips that lasts a half a second

-"Time's up," says Hisoka. "I didn't hear much going on in there, kids. Should we break out the Monopoly board instead?"

-Ah! Now we're talking. Finally someone who has graduated high school

-What do you think Kurapika would be like in a makeout session?

-Yep, he is exactly as you expect

-Super chill and hits all the right spots, oh yeah

-"You can come out now," says Hisoka. "It's been 9 minutes, sportsfans"

-You're feeling a little wary of Leorio because he seems a bit too into this

-"So," he says, as soon as you are in the dark closet. "How about we play a little Trick Tower betting game? I'm going to bet you are a man. You have to let me examine you to find out if that's true or not"

-"Oh geez, Leorio, not that old line. Try something new?"

-"Woo hoo, it's my turn," he says, tossing his phone to Illumi. "Time it, darling"

-You are pregnant by the time the seven minutes are up

-He tosses the phone back to Hisoka. "What are the rules of this game, again?"

-"You get busy for seven minutes in the closet"

-"Busy doing what?"

-You grab his hand and pull him in the closet.

-Holy fuck! You're alone with Illumi Zoldyck! You look heavenward, and silently say praise the Lord Jesus Christ

-"So," he says, conversationally, sitting down on the floor a fair distance away from you. "Tell me a little about yourself. What do you do for a living? What kind of music are you into?"

-"Time's up," says Hisoka

-Fuck, man. FML

-He flashes you a smile that turns your insides to water

-You go into the closet

-Your knees are buckling and you're about to faint once the seven minutes are up

-You go into the closet and he immediately begins attempting to tear your fingernails out and break your arms

-You scream "OW! What the hell are you doing?"

-He stops immediately. "Wait, this isn't like some sort of intimidation/interrogation exercise? I am so sorry. I didn't realize it was like, actually a party game. I thought that was some code phrase Chrollo was throwing around... sorry"

-Takes you into the closet

-You both giggle

-You make out like regular ordinary human beings for seven minutes

-He tries to get to second base but Hisoka calls time

-Sheesh. Finally! A normal person!