Illumi has just finished killing a whole mess of people, and he's baby-sitting his youngest brother on top of it, so he's had a hell of a night. He grabs his phone and calls his dad.

Buzz, buzz. "Illumi-ka."

"Hi, Dad. I just killed the latest batch."

"Great. I'm in the middle of a fight." Click.

"Geez. Not even a 'thank you?' Would a 'Nice job, son,' kill you?" grumbles Illumi. "If I were frickin' Killua, he'd be on his knees kissing my ass."

"Illu! I'm boooooored! Can we go kill some more people? Or go get Taco Bell? I want a Cheeto crunchwrap," whines Kalluto.

Illumi, exasperated, looks at his phone and sees that it is May 24. Whoa, he realizes. It's Memorial Day weekend coming up!

He suddenly sets his jaw. What the fuck am I doing working my ass off, day in and day out, killing people, dragging my brother to the Border for junk food, without a dang word of thanks?

I'm done with my life being a drag. This is the end of professional, hardworking Illumi.

Starting this weekend, I declare this is going to be HOT ILLU SUMMER!

-First things first. He fiddles around with his phone's settings so that whenever his father calls, an automatic text message saying "Sorry! I can't talk right now" pops up

-Second: He calls Hisoka. "What's the first thing you should do if you wanna shake off your stiff-ass reputation and get loose?" he asks

-"Join some dating apps," replies Hisoka

-"Any suggestions on which ones?"

-"All of 'em. And take about 50 different dick pics, from all different angles, so you're armed and ready"

-Illumi is confused. "What do I do with them?"

-"Every time some chick matches with you, you send her one. Got it? It drives the ladies crazy"

-"Okay," says Illumi. "You're the expert." He signs up for several dating apps, then begins to ponder what to put on his profile

-"Illumi Z., age 25, Kukuroo Mountain," he mumbles. "What am I looking for? Committed relationship? Just friends?" He shakes his head. "Assassins don't have friends. I have to be more neutral. There has to be something else"

-"Oh, what's this? 'DTF?' That sounds nice and vague. I'll just say I'm DTF, perfect"

-"What do I like?" He thinks for a minute, then types: Pins and needles

-Satisfied, he activates his account and waits to see what happens. Sure enough, he gets a match who requests to DM him

-"You're DTF and into pins and needles?" the girl messages him. "You sound freaky deaky. I'm not into regular degular. I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I love it, that kind of thing"

-Illumi has no idea what she is talking about, but taking Hisoka's advice, sends her a dick pic

-"I like to go fast but not that fast," replies the girl."Seeya, creep"

-The same scenario is repeated about 10 times in a row. Illumi is mystified as to why everyone seems to be making references about being numb and freaky, then disappearing as soon as he sends them a dick pic. "Isn't this what Hisoka told me to do?"

-He decides to take a different approach. The next girl who DMs him asks him what he is up to this evening. Thinking quickly, he replies, "I'm sipping wine in a robe, I look too good to be alone"

-"Oooh," replies the girl. "My friends and I are having a pool party tonight, starting at sundown. Why don't you show up? Here's the address"

-Feeling swaggy, Illumi walks outside and runs into Killua and Gon, who are sitting in the sun drinking lemonade. "Off to work as usual, big bro?" inquires Killua

-"Hell no," says Illumi. "I'm swearing off work for the summer. My job is living my best life. Guess what? I'm going to a pool party tonight"

-Gon bursts into laughter. "What are you laughing at, you little shit?" says Illumi

-"Do you plan on wearing a bathing suit?" says Gon

-"Yeah. Why?"

-Gon bursts into laughter again. "What the fuck?" yells Illumi. "I work out every day, I'm ripped to shreds, what's the issue?"

-"You're white as a ghost," says Gon. "Girls like it when you are tan. You're gonna scare them if you go out there like that."

-"You should listen to him," advises Killua. "He dates cougars and shit. He knows his way around"

-"Fine," says Illumi. He pulls off his shirt and flops down next to them. "I'll get a tan in one hour."

-Within 20 minutes, he's fast asleep and snoring. "Did he put any SPF on?" asks Gon

-"No," giggles Killua

-"Should we wake him up?"

-They look at each other and bust up in hysterics. "No way"

-Illumi sleeps for two hours in the full direct sun. He wakes up, disoriented, covered in sweat. Looking at his phone, he registers the time. "Oh damn," he curses. "I'm going to be late! This thing starts at sundown"

-He takes a shower and is aware that he feels definitely a little odd, but pushes it out of his head and attributes it to nerves since he's not used to socializing

-He gets to the party, changes into his swim trunks, and jumps into the pool. A variety of girls swim up to him

-Ha, ha, Gon! He thinks to himself. Little middle-schooler trying to tell me how to get game.

-Drinking a beer that someone hands him, he realizes again that he feels quite strange

-"Hey sexy," coos one girl, who basically looks like Kylie Jenner's twin busting out of a teeny string bikini. "You're looking hot"

-Illumi realizes he's feeling kind of hot. More than kind of. Not sexually. Like, temperature-wise. Shit, he feels like he's on fire. What the fuck?

-The girl rubs up against him and it feels like sandpaper. "YEOWCH!" screams Illumi, involuntarily

-He looks down at his chest and realizes he's crimson red

-"Did you get a bit too much sun today?" asks the Kylie Jenner girl. "You might want to put a little aloe on that. Are you a surfer or something? You kind of look like one, but they usually know enough to wear a wetsuit"

-Miserably, Illumi gets out of the pool and goes inside the party host's house. Finding a bottle of lotion in the bathroom, he gingerly dabs some on

-He checks his messages. There are about 100 from his dad, yapping about some assignment they have in the morning and why the hell has Illumi had his "away" message on for hours and how he's ready to slap him upside the head for being so irresponsible

-Sighing, Illumi squirts more lotion on his chest. Well, that was a fun experiment, he thinks. "All right, Dad," he replies. "I'll see you in the morning, right on time"