(Warning: NSFW! Illumi gets quite salty in this one!)

In the interest of being the best damn writer I can possibly be, I have been doing quite a bit of Hisoillu fanfic reading, including ones that are touted as "in canon."

I have come to the conclusion that "in canon" is quite a slippery slope when it comes to working with ship tropes! It's quite a task to create a story that pleases the audience, remains "in canon," and is actually believable to boot!

Exhibit A: I present to you a case study in which I, furrowing my brow, attempted to write A Generic Hisoillu Fic that fits all standards.

Read on, reader. I had to really work at this.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Illumi throws himself, weakly, at Hisoka's apartment door. He's dripping blood and looks like pulverized meat.

"Illumi, darling!" Hisoka catches him as he faints into his arms. "Who on earth did this to you, my love?"

Illumi lifts his head and frowns. "Come on, dumbass. You know how this always goes."

Hisoka's heart flutters. "Oh my. Is it those terrible parents of yours again?!"

"Of course it is, genius. Who else beats me up 10,000 times a year? I'll give you a hint, it's not Leorio."

Hisoka theatrically wipes his brow. His heart, which everyone always thought was impenetrable and stone-cold, throbs with pain at seeing his cupcake in such a state.

"I shall kill Silva and Kikyo," he announces, in a ringing tone.

"Oh bullshit," says Illumi. "You've had 80 million chances to do that and you haven't. You would have done it a long time ago, so quit grandstanding."

"I swear, I will."

"You killed a Hunter examiner just for breathing the wrong way, yet you've let my parents off the hook repeatedly. So I call B.S. on you. Just Texture Surprise me up, okay?"

"Why don't you kill them?"

Illumi widens his eyes and stares blankly. "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Hisoka runs Texture Surprise all over Illumi, then finds that he is hypnotized by the ravenette's black obsidian orbs. "Illumi, my Mimi, my Lulu, my..."

"Okay, you hit every iteration of my name possible, what is it, already."

"I find that I am so horny for you that I am about to burst." The redhead bends to Illumi's neck and begins to suck hard on it, leaving purple bruises.

"Dude," growls Illumi. "Have you actually seen a hickey on anyone in real life? Nobody actually does this; it doesn't feel good and it's rather gross."

Hisoka lifts his head. "Okay, okay, fine. I have an idea. LET'S GO FUCK IN THE BATHTUB." He sweeps Illumi up, bridal-style.

"Hisoka, have you actually tried to penetrate someone while under water?"

Hisoka is running the bathwater. "Your point being?"

"Whether you're fucking a pussy or an asshole, it's 10 times harder to stick it in there when there's water involved. First off, you can't lube it up underwater. It's impossible. Second, plain old water doesn't actually perform well as a lubricant itself; it kind of makes things worse, as a matter of fact."

"You are so not fun." Hisoka turns off the bathtub.

"I'm telling you," Illumi states. "You have to be level-11 horny and really want to get your rocks off if you do it in a body of water."

Hisoka makes an angry face.

"A hand job is doable," Illumi offers. "But even a hand job feels better if you just do it on dry land. With a nice big squirt of lube..."

"I would say you are totally killing the mood," states Hisoka. "But nothing can quench my fire for you." He picks Illumi up again and takes him to the bedroom. "Take off your clothes, my love, and let's alternate between romantic kisses and INTENSE JOSTLING FOR POSITION..."

"Don't tell me, let me guess. You're on top. Again." Illumi rolls his eyes. "I'm sick of always being the bottom."

"I'll make you love it." Hisoka sticks a finger into Illumi's ass. "How does that feel?" He slowly adds another. Then another. "Let me prepare you, my dear..."

"Hisoka. When was the last time we had sex?"

Hisoka ponders this for a minute. "Last night."

"Don't we have sex, like, with obscene frequency?"

"We do. Yes."

"Are you aware of the fact that if two people are experienced with anal sex, do it fairly often, and are comfortable with each other, you don't have to go through this intricate 'stretching the asshole out' routine?" Illumi shakes his head in exasperation.

"All I have to do is this." He relaxes his muscles. "See? Now go for it."

Hisoka sticks his dick in with ease. "Wow! Nice! That slid right in there!"

"It only hurts if you're tense or nervous," explains Illumi. "But given the fact that you are literally my fiance and we've done this a gazillion times, I'm perfectly at home. Plus, you yourself know what you are doing and I know you are not going to just ram it in there like some adolescent without any sort of finesse."

"I kind of like the fingering thing," whines Hisoka.

"It's fine to do as part of foreplay," assures Illumi. "It's just tiresome when repeatedly presented as a necessary step. I personally would rather you concentrate on other methods of foreplay on my body, since you're going to be sticking your dick up there eventually anyway."

"This is all very enlightening."

"Indeed. Now, before we...wait. What is this?"

"What is what?" Hisoka is mystified.

"You did it again." Illumi groans in exasperation. "Look, I've been around the block a few times and seen my share of dicks, love. NO dick produces this much...what do you call it?"

"Precum?"

"Precum. You had to have made this...obscene flow...with Texture Surprise. Don't lie to me, and just shut the faucet off, 'kay? It's unnatural."

Hisoka makes a face. "But it's HOT and SEXY and gushy."

"Matter of opinion; I happen to find an excess of it rather bananas, if you'll pardon the pun. Now, can we please commence fucking? I will skip the long descriptive paragraphs about my prostate. I kind of want to just shoot my wad."

Hisoka cums. His vision goes white, then black, and his eyes roll back in his head. "Fuck!"

"Very good, very proper," Illumi assures him. "Ahh, there we go, I'm right after you. I will admit it is a lot of fun to--" He makes a short groan. "Spurt a huge volume of cum. So I'll leave this as it is."

"I'm still spurting," gasps Hisoka.

"Spurt away, cum is a lot of fun; it's actually CANON COMPLIANT to the human anatomy as well, darling, unlike massive amounts of precum. That's just so OOC."

"Kiss me," pants Hisoka. "I love you. I'm the only one who truly loves you, Illumi."

"Nonsense, my family adores me." Illumi leans over and gives Hisoka a peck. "But, you're sweet. I love you too."

Hisoka stands up, naked. "Fine. If you will not come to a dramatic, tear-filled realization that I am your soulmate, Twin Flame, whatever the hell they call it...Now I shall do IT, instead!"

"Do what?"

"The DENOUEMENT!"

"What's the denouement?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, Illumi, do not be disingenuous with me!"

Illumi sits up, primly mopping at the cumstains on his chest. "I'm not."

"I shall make us..."

"Make us what?"

"PANCAKES!"

"Oh my," says Illumi, admiringly. "Are you going to do it naked, with just a little apron tied around your waist, while I admire your fine ass?"

"Naturally!"

"Thank God!"