I sat on the hospital chair next to Phoenix. I hated being here so often. I hated that I was failing to properly protect her. I hate that I was being a bad mate.

Wyatt, one of our pack doctors, approached me with his clipboard. "She will be fine, she just lost a lot of blood and I had to administer a few stitches where it was especially deeply cut. She'll be up soon enough."

I nodded, so exhausted of Phoenix being hurt. I just wanted everything to be better.

He continued speaking, "I'm no mind reader, but I can only assume she is trying to destroy the scarring of her previous Alpha's name. She could subconsciously still believe he's controlling her when she is quite literally branded with his name, it would be hard not to feel like property."

How could the bastard still be controlling her? I was actually going to kill him now, no more messing around.

"I thought the therapy was helping." I sighed, resting my head in my hands. "She is so back and forth. One minute she is doing great, hanging with me and my cousins, laughing, being normal. The next minute she is slashing her own wrist traumatized by a past she didn't deserve."

Wyatt nodded in understanding. "Surely the therapy is helping, Alpha, unfortunately, it just takes time. The scars cut too deep, literally."

I hear a small shaky voice next to me. "I- I need to officially join the pack." 

I stare at her, she had just woken up after severely self harming and that's what she's going to say? I quickly stand up and am immediately at her side. I grab her tiny hand and stare at her, trying to reason with her.

"Phoe, you know that means we would have to fully mate and you would officially become Luna and Queen, right?" I don't think she quite understood the severity of this. Of course I wanted to fully mate with her. I've wanted to since originally coming to her pack, hell even as a toddler I knew she was meant to be mine. I just didn't think she was ready, after the last two incidents she has had with hurting herself.

She seemed desperate and I couldn't quite put my finger on why this has suddenly become an urgent matter. It seemed important though, she seemed anxious glancing around the room as if looking for a way out.

"Hey, talk to me. What is wrong? Why did you hurt yourself." Her wide blue eyes stared back at me blankly. She shook her head and looked away.

I lightly ran a finger over her bandaged arm.

"Is it because of him?" I ask referring to Taylor. She looks down avoiding eye contact, confirming my suspicions. "Sweetie you know you're safe from him, he's locked up. He won't be a problem for much longer." She did not seem convinced though, which worried me.

Her overall behavior right now was concerning, she refused to talk to me.

I know I would let him out of prison and then he would come for me. He would never let me go after that. I would die at his hands after he deemed me broken enough to deserve death. I couldn't do it.

The only way to prevent that would be to join the Royal Pack. If I was officially accepted into the royal pack, then Black Raven couldn't control me, Taylor couldn't control me. 

I don't know why I would listen to his commands, but at my pack house not too long ago, his reflection told me to cut myself with the mirror shard. I had listened. I don't know if he was somehow still communicating with me to do these things, or if I was just imagining it, but either way it was horrifying to live with him in the back of my head. 

I couldn't tell Maddox this.

The idea of fully mating horrified me. I had only ever done it once before, and it was not by choice... Horrible images of Taylor using me in that cold dark bunker made me cringe, I felt a few tears develop in my eyes, I blinked quickly trying to get rid of them before Maddox would notice. The whole notion of mating did not sit well with me right now, but I knew it had to be done.

June disagreed with me. She did not share the same fear I had. She was excited to finally mate with Maddox's wolf. I wish I could be a carefree as my wolf, she no longer worried about the past, but I was still burdened with the memories I would rather leave behind.

My wolf insisted that I should let go of the past and fully accept Maddox into our life, and while I agreed with her, the thought of anyone touching me down there still left me shaking in fear. I recall the soreness of the first time, and how brutal he was with me. It was something I never wanted to experience again. I knew deep down that with my mate it would be different, but what if it wasn't?

All these thoughts swirled in my mind as Maddox desperately tried to talk to me.

I cut him off abruptly.

"I don't want to go into it, but I need to become a part of the pack. You wouldn't understand, but if I don't join then something bad is going to happen. I really don't want that to happen, so please. Please, just don't question it, I don't know how to explain without sounding clinically insane. I understand the implications of this decision. I know we will have to mate. I know it has to be done. I am willing Maddox."

He just stared at me with a look of confusion. This was understandable. Despite my best efforts I still sounded crazy. 

It was hard to explain that my imprisoned ex alpha was somehow driving me to the brink of insanity and had asked me to set him free, and that I knew I would listen to him. 

"Ok." He responded simply. "Wyatt said you're free to go, so let's go... We will try to get the ceremony in order for this week, but we must be mated first, which means... Well you know, umm..." He awkwardly trailed off aimlessly glancing around the hospital room. 

With my lack of parent figures I never had the obligatory, embarrassing sex talk, but this sort of fit the bill. I swallowed hard and nodded. Tonight, we would officially mate. I would then be inducted as Luna and Queen. With that I would be able to mind link anyone in the Royal Pack, and I would have a stronger connection with Maddox.

Being fully mated, we would have the ability to feel each others emotions, any physical pain, any thoughts left unprotected could be heard through the mind link. I had plans to keep my walls up always, my thoughts kept to myself. I simply did not want to burden Maddox with all of the frightening thoughts and memories constantly wandering my mind. It also just felt strangely intrusive, I wouldn't want to know his every thought either.

Regardless, tonight, everything would change, hopefully for the better.

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