Past

Two years.

We had been going after Queen for two years and we still didn't have her. Two years of Sierra being on the inside, feeding me information that never seemed to be enough to catch Queen or even figure out what her plan was. All I wanted was to stop her, to end this entire op successfully so that I could have Sierra to myself.

But I knew that was farfetched. I knew it wasn't reciprocated, or it couldn't be. Purely physical, that's all Sierra had wanted for the relationship we had. If I could even call it a relationship.

Two years of hell where I had been feeling everything I felt for her, the worry, the concern, the longing... and she probably felt nothing. She couldn't. There had been such a focus from her, to get the information she can while keeping her position in the Court and keeping her hidden agenda secret. A focus to keep her last living close ones safe, since her family was gone. She wanted her freedom too; she wanted her team to have freedom. All of them also had something held over them, their families and anyone else they held close.

There was an expected knock at the door, Sierra arriving to have an exchange of information. I jumped up off of the lounge, far too eager to see her again, to touch her skin and smell her hair again. Fuck, I was far too deep in this for it to be just physical, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could hide my feelings for. Feelings that I had pushed so far down that it hurt to even think about them like I was right now.

I opened the door and immediately locked onto her dark brown eyes, a small smile on her lips as she looked up at me. I couldn't stop myself from kissing her then, from putting an arm around her waist to pull her body against mine and feel her warmth against me. Even if I couldn't feel for her like I did, I still had to feed the craving I had for her, or it felt like I would drown. Kissing and touching her was like the oxygen I needed to stay alive, and maybe I let that show a bit too much.

She pulled away while letting out a quiet laugh. She then lifted the bag that was hanging from her hand and tilted her head to the side.

"I brought food." She said, a nervous energy seeming to come off of her body.

"Okay?" I replied, moving out of the doorway so she could come in. She normally didn't bring food. We normally ordered something to be delivered when we got hungry, or just walked somewhere to eat some terrible fast food.

"I'll need to use your oven, though. Is that alright?" She asked. I nodded slowly.

"Yeah. That's fine." I answered as she kept smiling and walked into the kitchen. I moved to follow her, but she pushed me back.

"Just sit on the lounge. I'll be there once I've put this in. We'll have enough time for me to catch you up on what I've learned before this is ready." She said, so I did as I was told, moving to the lounge and sitting down. She eventually came over, looking me in the eye.

"Do I get to know what is cooking in my oven?" I asked. She shook her head.

"It's a surprise." She said, so I left it there. She started recounting everything that happened in the Court since we had last seen each other. It took about twenty minutes to do so. We had realised as time went on that it was getting harder for Sierra to get any kind of information, whether it was because of the threat Sierra posed to Queen or if it was just Queen becoming even more paranoid, we weren't sure.

"Oh, dinner should be done." Sierra said as she looked at the clock, standing up and finding the oven mitts in the kitchen before taking out what she had cooked. "Go sit at the dinner table." She told me, so I once again did as I was told and moved to the table. She started by bringing me a glass of red wine and cutlery, she then brought a glass and cutlery for herself before she went back to the kitchen to get the food. What the hell is going on?

"Sierra, what are you..." I didn't finish my sentence as I saw her carrying two plates of lasagne to the table. She placed a plate in front of me and then sat in the seat next to me, looking me in the eye.

"I made lasagne." She said, her smile somewhat faltering for a moment as she realised I was still confused. "You don't want it?"

"No, I didn't say that. This just... this is a bit more intimate than our normal takeout situation." I said. She nodded.

"Um, that's because I had to talk to you about something." She said. She then laughed a little nervously. "I thought it would be easier on a full stomach, but I'm realising that I will probably just throw it back up." I didn't like where this was heading. She did nothing without reason, so even just cooking lasagne meant something.

We hadn't eaten lasagne together, not once. The only time we were meant to was when I had planned on having dinner, which I ended up having with Jake. When I wanted us to have a proper date instead of just sex.

"Sierra, what is going on?"

"Um, well, I think I made a mistake a while ago. When I told you, I didn't want an emotional relationship, just a physical one." I could hear her heel hitting the floor repeatedly, her leg bouncing with nerves as her eyes looked anywhere but at my own.

"I..."

"What I'm trying to say is that when I said those words, I thought that's what I wanted, but when they came out of my mouth, I realised it wasn't, but it was too late. And then I never knew how to bring it up, how to tell you." She said. My body froze as she spoke. No. This wasn't the plan. "So, the last two years, I've been pushing what I felt down because I was the one who said I didn't want feelings involved."

"Sierra-"

"But even though I said that, and I thought I could keep myself from feeling things, it all just... you just... what I'm trying to say is that I love you, Esmond. Even though I shouldn't, and even though I didn't want to, I do. And I meant for this to be a nice dinner so we could talk things through, because I wouldn't be telling you if I didn't feel you also felt something for me." She said, and I felt my chest constrict.

"Sierra, I care about you. It's just..." I didn't even know what I was saying, why I was denying myself this. This was what I had wanted.

"Oh..." I hadn't even realised she was leaning forward and holding my hands until she pulled herself back, pulled her fingers away from mine. The severed touch echoed down into my soul.

"No, I-"

"You don't feel the same. That's fine, that's what I said I wanted." She suddenly stood up from the chair and pushed it back in. "I shouldn't have said anything." She said, and my throat closed over from the shock I was feeling. "I'm going to go." She left before I could force myself to say anything.

The emptiness of the room felt like a punch in the stomach. The ghost of her fingertips on my skin tore at my heart.

I wanted her to feel this way for me. It's what I had wanted from the beginning, so why did I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt? One that made me freeze and push her away?

This wasn't right. She shouldn't love me. She couldn't. Because I had forced us to be close, had inserted myself into her life and then used her to further my career by taking the information she gave me.

I couldn't let her keep loving me, not when I didn't deserve it. I loved her, but that didn't make it right. This... I had to fix this. I had to force her away from me and keep her safe. There was only one way I could really do that.

Only one way to make her truly hate me and make this right.

I stood up and moved to my phone, knowing who I had to call.

And I made the call while staring at my table, where the food she had made was turning as cold as I would have to act to fix this.