Past

I couldn't believe that I was doing this, that I was meeting with Esmond to get information. That I messaged him and asked if he wanted to meet, to get coffee and explain himself.

I stared into the café where we were supposed to be meeting. It wasn't too late. I could run and never look back. Could forget I came here to meet with a man in the name of one good round of sex. This man had manipulated me already or attempted to, anyway. God damn it, I was being stupid. I should walk away.

"I honestly thought you weren't coming." I heard his voice, and any thoughts I had of leaving ran from my mind like I should have run from this stupid fucking meeting.

"So did I." I replied as I turned to look at him. He nodded, to show he understood my stance.

"But you came."

"It was a stupid decision, but here I am." I said, pushing the door open to the busy café and moving to stand in line to get coffee and some form of food.

"If you don't want to, we don't have to do this." He said. I shook my head.

"I need to find out how you know I am. I'll get in trouble, otherwise." I said, biting my lip afterwards as I realised I just gave him even more information. Why do I keep doing this?

"Trouble? With who?" He asked. I crossed my arms over my chest and didn't say anything in response. I couldn't. We were in such a public space. This was a bad idea.

"Hi, how can I help you?" The barista asked as I made the front of the line.

"Hi, could I please grab a large latte and a toasted ham and cheese croissant?" I asked. She nodded.

"Sugar?"

"No, thank you." I said.

"And you, sir?" The barista asked next, which was when I noticed Esmond was now standing next to me instead of behind, making it look like we were together.

"The same as her, please." And he didn't deny that we were here together like he should have.

"Sure thing." She replied.

"I'll grab a table." I said before walking away, leaving him to pay for my order. It was the least he could do after lying to me. I sat down outside, the spring air making it semi-pleasant for once in London. Instead of the usual bitter cold, the sun was out to provide the smallest amount of warmth.

"It will be a few minutes." Esmond said as he sat down across from me. Maybe outside was a bad idea. There were too many variables out here, and I couldn't see all around me to know if I had someone watching me. "You're not being watched." He said, as if he could read my thoughts. Or maybe he saw my eyes flicking around, checking reflections and trying to get the best view of the world around me.

"How can you be so sure?" I asked. He shook his head.

"I'll watch your back if you watch mine." He offered. I sat up straighter then. It would make it easier to relax if I didn't need to worry about who was behind me.

"Okay." I said. I had to interrogate him if I wanted to figure this out. "You better start talking."

"What do you want to know?"

"Full name to start with."

"Esmond Carr."

"How do you know who I am?"

"Private investigator, guard for hire... I recognised the tattoo on your wrist. You're a part of Queen's Court. I had to figure out who you were because you didn't tell me your name. It was fairly easy after I stumbled across the article about the crash, then articles about you and your trial." He said, I looked down at the table.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, looking up at him through my eyelashes. I was tired. It had been two days since I saw him, when I had taken too much fentanyl, and he had stayed until I was safe. Sleep had been evading me since then.

"Because it usually scares people when you say you've investigated them." He answered.

"How do you know about the Court?"

He seemed to struggle for words. I furrowed my eyebrows, watching his eyes turn away from me to the door of the café where the second barista from inside brought out our cups of coffee.

"I'll be back with the food." She said before disappearing and then returning to leave us alone again. I didn't touch my coffee or my food. I was too busy staring at Esmond. He needed to talk this goddamn second, or I was going to take my food and walk away.

"How do you know about the Court?" I asked again. He shook his head.

"I said that I'm an investigator, right?" He asked.

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I had to investigate someone's disappearance. They took him into the Court."

"Who?" I asked. He froze. "Who did you investigate?"

"A kid, Thomas." He said. It was a lucky guess or the truth. I felt it was all a lie, but I had no proof aside from my gut feeling. "It's how I know no one leaves the Court, I just don't know why."

"You aren't given a choice." I answered, still watching him. "Queen either locks you in with drugs or money, and if that doesn't work, she moves to blackmail, threatening your loved ones. She always says that if we leave, then she will go after our families. She has the money, the reach to do it so..." Why did I keep talking to him? I hadn't believed a single word he had said today, so why the fuck do I keep handing him information?

"What does she have over you?"

"She helped me fix my back. I couldn't have done it on my own." I said.

"But she's the one who got you on fentanyl. If your back was fixed, you wouldn't need it anymore."

"Yeah, she has me hooked, part of her plan."

"You could always go clean."

"She tracks when I get my prescriptions filled. She would know and I can't let her..." Max, shut the fuck up.

"What else does she have?"

"I have a family, friends I consider family. I can't risk them." That was all I could say without giving him everything. "I don't believe any of your story." I changed the topic. He nodded.

"That's fair."

"It's not true, is it?"

"No."

"Why the fuck should I trust you, then? You told me you weren't going to come up with a cover story." I said.

"Sierra, please just..."

"Do you know what's messed up? Even though I don't believe you, I still told you everything." I leant back in the chair as I picked up my coffee, taking a mouthful and not caring for how it burned the surface of my entire mouth and my throat as I swallowed it.

"I can't tell you why you should trust me, not until I know I can trust you. Just know that you can trust me. I'm trying to help."

"Help with what?"

"Uh..."

I shook my head and stood up, no longer hungry and my mouth sore from the hot coffee that I no longer wanted either. I needed to get back to my apartment and open the liquor cabinet so I could drink until I threw up.

"Don't talk to me again. This was a huge fucking mistake." I said before I walked away. I didn't look back, but I checked a window reflection to make sure he was watching me walk away.

And he was.