My cereal is rather soggy by now but it doesn't matter. I'm not eating anymore, I'm not hungry. I sigh, twirling the spoon around the bowl. Why am I even bothering with breakfast? I could have just gone back to sleep. I forgot we don't have school today due to some teacher's institution day or something so my usual alarm woke me up and I got ready in routine. By the time I realized, I already poured the milk in.

My father comes downstairs dressed for work. "Frank," he says, slightly surprised, "don't you have today off?"

"Yeah...I forgot," I say.

He grabs a packet of oatmeal and starts making his breakfast. "Oh, your mother and I will be out of town for the weekend on work again."

"Heading downtown?" I ask, plopping my spoon back into my bowl.

"Yeah, we're staying down there. Not this Friday but next." I nod my head. I'll probably forget but the empty house will clue me in. "You going to Jenna's today?" I shrug. "You have the day off."

"Yeah, I know," I mutter.

My dad sighs. putting the bowl in the microwave and walking over. "How is everything?"

"I don't really want to talk about it," I say. "I have no idea what's going on but I do know it's a mess."

"Well, maybe you should go to your friend's house, so you're not alone."

"Maybe," I reply. Jenna doesn't want to see me and I don't really want to see her. It's just going to stress me out. I don't have the emotional strength to see Gerard again this weekend. While Saturday wasn't as bad as when I visited him in the hospital, it was still draining. After the movie, that old part of him faded away and he was back to empty. He noticed himself disappear though because he apologized. He apologizes a lot but I don't know if he's sure what he's sorry for half the time. The other half, I don't know if he's sincere. But after the movie, he didn't make me upset again. At least, not intentionally. He was kind to me and when I left, he told me he wanted to see me again. That's the thing about him, he always wants to see me again. He asked for me to visit in the hospital and when Cody went, he asked to see me again.

I can't tell if Gerard's getting better but I hate thinking about it. He's back home and they're trying to familiarize him back to his life but I don't know if it's working. At least, if it'll work in the long run. I don't like thinking about him anymore. It hurts and stresses me out over something I have no control over.

"Are you going to go out or are you just humoring me?" he asks.

I pause, glancing up from my soggy cereal. "I mean, one of my friends texted me yesterday about hanging out today-"

"Why don't you go?"

"I-well, I don't have a way of getting there," I say. "Gerard usually would..." My voice breaks on me.

My dad looks at me softly. "Frank, take my car," he says.

"What?"

He fishes his keys out of his pocket and places them next to me. "You mom and I, we carpool now since we've been working on...getting along," he cuts himself short and goes back to me. "You can take my car and go out. Tank's full." I look at him unsurely. My parents hated driving together. My mom would get road rage when driving and my dad would get annoyed because they can't hear her but she'd get mad at him for not understanding she's just venting. "You've been sitting at home a lot and I know it's hard what you're going through. But you're friends feel the same pain you do and you should be together."

It's ironic he's the one telling me this. I could be really spiteful right now. I could make some angsty comment. But my dad's being nice and it's not his fault I feel this way. He's trying to help me. "Thanks," I say.

Lynn texted me yesterday, asking how I was doing. She's become some personal babysitter for me. She probably feels bad for telling me about Gerard, even though I already knew. But she isn't aware of everything and I can sense she feels guilty. I wish she wasn't. I wish for a lot of things.

She asked me if I wanted to come over today, talk with her and hang out. Despite me telling her it wasn't a good idea, she still left the option open. I do have my dad's car and he's probably expecting me to go out now. I might as well.

But if I go out, I'd need to shower and change out of my clothes. I've been wearing these same pants for the last four days and I haven't changed my shirt since Saturday. My hair is really greasy and deodorant can only do so much. I don't want to shower. I don't want to change. I don't want to do anything. But I really need to if I'm going out. She said she was free around 4 o'clock so I have until then I guess to get ready.

I lay around on my bed for the rest of the morning. Lunch passes but I'm not hungry. No one's going to tell me to eat anything either. 3:40, I'm still on my phone, my battery nearly dead but I can't convince myself of reaching over for the charging cable. I don't want to do anything. I just want to stop existing. My phone buzzes and I see Lynn's contact.

-Hey, I'm still up for hanging out if you are-

I sigh. She's a good person. She means well. She's one of the few people who aren't mad at me. Well, now I'm being dramatic. Jenna's the only one irritated at me. I know I'm overreacting about Jenna, she doesn't hate me. We're just on different pages and it's not been discussed as smoothly as things have been before. And Brendon and Hayley haven't said anything but I know they're wondering why I don't go to art anymore. I don't know where Cody stands. I haven't talked to Patrick or Sarah in a while. But none of them are relevant right now. This is Lynn.

I start typing back. -My dad gave me his car so I could stop by-

-That's awesome, you want to come by in 20?-

-Sure, I'll get ready- I send the message and sigh, trying not to cry. Why am I even sad right now? Nothing happened. Do I just want to be sad? Do I enjoy feeling this way? Clearly, I haven't been trying very hard to get out of this funk. Maybe Jenna has a reason to be mad at me. I connect my phone to the charger and trudge to the bathroom, forcing myself to shower.

It's definitely after 4:00 when I get out and then start dressing. I will admit, it does feel nice having clean hair and skin and clothes. But that doesn't change the fact that my life is still a mess. I'm just less of a mess now. Literally at least.

I head out, getting in my dad's car. It's been a while since I've driven for myself. I mean, there were some grocery trips they made me go on but I haven't driven for myself in ages.

I head over to Lynn's house. I remember the first time we all hung out, it was at her place. Cody and Gerard were playing some video game I think. We were just hanging out in her room. If only I knew what this year would become back then. It's been the best and worst year yet.

I head down her street when I see her house...and all the cars in her driveway. Cody's van. Brendon's car. She lied to me. I park the car on the street and take out my phone, flipping to our texts. Okay...well. She's being sneaky again and I don't like it. She never specified that we'd be alone hanging out. I turn off my phone and slam my head against the headrest. I don't want to see everyone now. I can't. Okay...Brendon and Cody are here for sure. But Cody probably would have brought Jenna. The only people up for debate is Patrick, Hayley, and Sarah. I should go in. I came out here. Granted, it's not like she's very far.

Part of me wants to go in, the part that doesn't want to be depressed and just wants to be okay and go back to hanging out with everyone like there were no wrongs in the world or at least forgetting about the wrongs in our lives. I want to go back to when Amelia was still with us and when Gerard was okay. I'll still take Gerard before we were even a thing when my biggest worry was if he liked me or not. But that's impossible. We can't go back in time. If we could, I would have convinced the others to come in back to the ski lodge with Cody and Lynn and me.

But the other part of me knows better, knows that I'm not in a good place right now and I don't need them to get better but time to heal. I know I should go home right now and avoid making anything worse. However, this is the same part of my brain that didn't want to see Gerard the other day. And...through all the crying and anxiety, I was glad I saw him. Deep down. It's probably not healthy for me to be this way. Yes, he was yelling at me and yes, he was making me cry. But that moment when he asked me about a movie, it felt so real. Not as if the whole time I felt like I was dreaming. But it felt like that was really Gerard. And the worst still comes to my mind. If Gerard's really not okay and something goes wrong...and he...leaves us...then the last time I saw him wasn't at the hospital when I was upset. The last time was when we watched a movie together and I will take that a thousand times over.

I get out of the car and shut the door, locking it. It's a little chilly but I don't care. I shove the keys in my pocket and then head up to her porch. Her dog starts barking when I ring the bell. Lynn answers the door and smiles gently. "Hey, I was starting to wonder if you were going to come after all."

"Yeah, sorry," I say, realizing I am an hour late. "Um, you didn't-uh, you didn't tell me the others were here," I say.

"I knew you wouldn't have bothered if you knew," she says. "I miss you, Frank."

She shuts the door behind her and wraps her arms around me. I close my eyes, embracing her tightly. "I miss you too," I whisper. "I miss a lot of things."

She pulls away and smiles, brushing her hair out of her face. "I know we've been through hell and back but...we deserve to be happy and we shouldn't feel guilty to let ourselves have fun."

"Who's all here?" I ask.

"Just Jenna, Cody, and Bren," she says. "We're gonna order pizza and salad later." I nod my head, not sure of what to say. Or do. "Come on, let's just go in. The others are in my room watching FRIENDS."

I shuffle around. "I mean, I probably should start watching that show."

Lynn's expression stiffens and she glares at me offended. I tense up, taking a small step away from her. "You what!" she cries out. "Wait...wait, wait, wait. Are you implying that you've NEVER seen FRIENDS?" I stare at her innocently with a guilty smile. "Oh, Frank, my man, you best be kidding right now."

"I mean, I recognize scenes when it comes up on my Instagram. Like that meme with the guy..." I try thinking back. "Like when a teacher asks you why you didn't do your homework and it's the guy. We were on a break!"

Lynn starts cracking up. "Ah, classic. But man, how could Gee possibly love you if you've never seen it." I tense up, giving her a warning look but I don't need to. The words come out of her mouth and her smile fades as bittersweetness sets in her eyes from the memories. "Do you want to talk-"

"No," I cut off.

She looks at me sincerely. "Maybe you don't want to...but do you need to talk about it with someone? Or are you just carrying everything around?"

"It doesn't matter what I do," I tell her. "It's too hard to talk about." She heavily sighs, looking at me. "You haven't...told anyone."

"Gee told me not to and I haven't...besides you since the whole-" I wave my hand in front of her to stop her from continuing and resurfacing everything. I don't want to cry today. I just want to get through one day without crying, granted, even that task is impossible as of late. "Are you going to do something about Gerard?" she asks.

Suddenly, it dawns on me she doesn't know everything. I mean, I was aware I didn't tell her but it never clicked that nobody knows about that morning where Gerard and I agreed. We never told anyone that Gerard and I agreed to date. I don't know if we're still together anymore. We never broke up but things are clearly, very different now. And Gerard knows about what's going on but we've never talked about it. He's aware it's something private because he only talked to me about it when no one else was around. He asked Jenna to leave and he waited for his family to step away before he mentioned anything. I may not know if Gerard and I are still a thing but I realize now that nobody knows that we've done something about it.

"Frank?"

"Huh?" I snap out of my thoughts and Lynn has a waiting smile. "What?"

"Are you going to do something about Gerard?"

"No," I reflexively say. I catch myself as she looks at me heartbroken. "I don't know...I mean, now is a mess but I don't know. If things...if things go back, somehow. Maybe." She doesn't say anything and I don't want her to say anything more. "Let's just go in."

We go inside and I take off my shoes at the front and we head up to her room. Jenna is sitting on her bed holding a stuffed animal bunny. Cody is on the floor and leaning against the bed. Brendon is sunk into a bean bag chair. We step into the room and they all look over, shifting and sitting up when they see me. Great, I feel wanted here. Totally, not out of place.

I glance at the TV but double take. "Is that...what is he wearing?" I ask.

Cody looks at the screen and chuckles. "It's the Holiday Armadillo," he says. "So that's Ross and he wanted his son excited about Hanuka but Ben wanted to see Santa but it's the day before Christmas so all he could get was an armadillo suit and-" Cody stares at me and my face only gets more confused. "Wait, have you not seen this episode?"

"Frank's never seen FRIENDS before," Lynn says.

Brendon launches himself out of the bean bag chair and stalks over to me. "How have you never seen-how do you just never-do you not watch TV?" he finally gets out, frantically shaking his head exasperated.

I start laughing under my breath. "I mean, I do with you guys or when I'm hanging out. But by myself, I don't really watch TV at all, which is why Gerard...um, we just-I never know what movie he's talking about."

The room stiffens up but then Brendon glances at Lynn. "You want to start a FRIENDS marathon with Frank?" he asks.

"Hell to the yeah!" Lynn says.

"No, you guys don't have to-"

"Oh, relax," Cody says, "we just put a random one on because we were bored." He gestures for me to come sit next to him and I awkwardly waddle over toward him. Jenna looks at me with a sad smile and I glance away, sitting down next to Cody. Cody has the remote and changes the Netflix and scrolls to season one. "Starting at the pilot," he says.

"The One Where It All Began," Lynn says, hopping on the bed and sitting next to Jenna.

Jenna looks at Lynn. "I thought it was called The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate," she says.

"And they were roommates," Cody mutters under his breath as he clicks it. "AH!" He falls forward as Jenna kicks him.

Brendon laughs and shakes his head. "I just thought it was called The First One."

The opening of the show starts and well all get quiet. Though I've never seen FRIENDS, I recognize every single one of the characters. I guess it's one of those shows that slips into your subconscious and you vaguely know of it, regardless of how much exposure you've had.

The theme song plays with the guitar and the lyrics start. "So no one told you life was going to be this way." Suddenly, Jenna, Cody, Lynn, and Brendon all start clapping at the same time in unison along with the show.

"What the?" I mutter, looking around at all of them.

Lynn starts giggling and I glance at Cody. "It's a...thing," he mutters.

"A compulsion," Brendon says. "You just have to clap."

We go through 4 episodes quickly, as they're only 20 minutes long. But it's very funny and I feel like Chandler in a sense. Lynn goes to get the food but she just brings it up to her room with extra plates. Brendon helps her carry up the napkins. "You know," Lynn says, balancing the salad and utensils with the plates on the pizza boxes, "when you offered some help, I figured you'd take more than just the napkins!" She starts trudging her way through her doorway.

"Wh-I asked if you needed me to take anything downstairs but no, you were all THIS IS ABOUT HONOR so here I am with the napkins." Lynn giggles to herself and Brendon shakes his head. "You need help?"

"Ah, now that I've made it down the corridor, up the stairs, and around the turn of the hallway, these last feet are where I need help." Brendon swaggers away and she laughs, setting everything down.

We have dinner while watching the show. Cody struggles to take a bite of his pizza without dragging the entire layer of cheese with it. When we make it halfway through the first season, we take a break, just lounging around her room. Jenna lies across Lynn's lap and Lynn plays with her hair. "You know, we should actually have a FRIENDS marathon," Brendon says.

"Hey, I'm down," Lynn says.

"You think you want to do it next weekend?" Jenna asks, tilting her head up at Lynn.

Lynn sways her head side to side. "I don't know...I mean, maybe after? We'll play by ear and I still got to work options out."

"Next weekend?" I ask. The others glance at me and my mind blanks. Did they mention something earlier and I wasn't listening or did we discuss something beforehand? "What's next weekend?" I mutter, thinking out loud.

Lynn looks at me softly. "My...birthday," she says.

"Oh my god," I groan out, covering my face with my hands. "I'm so sorry, I forgot-"

She puts a hand up. "It's okay, Frank, I know you're stressed. Don't worry."

I sigh, lowering my hands. "I feel bad but like I knew, I just didn't know what week it was. It's the 14th, right?" I say.

Lynn shifts her jaw and gives me a gentle smile. "15th, actually," Jenna corrects.

"Wow, I'm a great friend," I mutter. Heat starts tricking to my face and I hold my breath, trying to get it to stop. I know she's not upset I forgot. It's Lynn, she gets it. But anxiety is creeping inside my stomach and I hate it.

"It's okay," she says again. "It's Sunday so I kind of wanted to go rollerskating with everyone and then hang out back here and just chill or whatever."

"Yo, rollerskating?" Brendon asks with a smile on his face. "You didn't tell us that."

"Well, I was torn between bowling or rollerskating but like I feel rollerskating would be more fun," she says.

"I think at some point though, we all should go bowling together though," Jenna says.

"Definitely agree," Lynn says.

Cody straightens up, turning around and looking at Lynn. "If it's okay for me to ask, who were you thinking of inviting?"