A lot of people from school pass by. There are kids in my math class, mutuals that I've talked to once in the hall, familiar faces that I know I've seen before but known nothing about them. And there are also dozens of people I don't know or recognize. That's expected though. I can't possibly know all these people when I haven't been here for half a year. 

Is that right? I've only been here for about five months. I came in the middle of September. It's been five months. I've only known them all for five months. It seems much longer than that. 

The eight of us are all lined up against the back of the room on the bench. It probably looks comfier than it actually is. The cushion complete flattened out from our weight and the hardwood underneath is starting to numb my legs. I can't stop jittering, bouncing my leg up and down. Lynn sits on my right, clasping her hands together and hanging her head low. Next to her is Jenna and on the end is Cody. I haven't seen him since the day at the lodge. That was nearly a week ago. It feels like it was longer. Like a lifetime ago. That everything that happened before that day isn't the same time frame anymore. This happiness we all had and this carefree joy. We'd all hang out together. With Amelia. And Gerard. It all still existed just a week ago. But the week before was the hardest week of my life and it's safe to assume of their lives too. It felt much longer than a week, like time wasn't moving forward and we'd never get out of it. 

On my left is Brendon with Sarah, Hayley, and Patrick. They're all quiet and sitting with us. None of us speak. We don't have anything to say. 

People keep passing us as they walk in line, viewing all the pictures of her that her family had printed out and assembled on boards. They have her medals from skiing and what looks like something Amelia made, all the concerts she went to with tickets, little souvenirs like confetti pieces taped on, pieces of grass, scraps of paper with black sharpie scribbling an autograph she got. Selfies with mostly her next to Jenna at different venues. There's a board of when she was a little girl, maybe six or seven, where she's in Paris. The Eiffel Tower behind her while she has a big white sun hat on. A picture of her sitting in a chair wearing a pink dress and eating a mint ice cream cone. She's riding a pony in one of them. This little girl who looks so happy and excited to be there. 

There are several other boards further down with pictures of her. Down the line are clips of her life in photographs and knickknacks. At the end of the line are her parents and brother, shaking everyone's hands and hugging them. Behind them is Amelia. We haven't gone up yet to see her. I'm terrified the moment I have to. I don't know what to say to her family. I don't know what to say to her. I know I have to say goodbye but I don't know how to. The eight of us continue sitting on the bench, unsure of what to do or say. People from school continue to come in and out, passing us as they go. We continue to sit here, not wanting to go up just yet.

"Brendon?" Everyone glances up at Audrey, standing in front of us with another guy who looks vaguely family. I think I've seen in in the commons. We might have the same lunch period as him. 

Brendon glances at me and then Sarah before looking back at Audrey. "Hi," he says unevenly. He awkwardly stands up and looks at Audrey. She isn't holding herself in the same mannerism as usual. She doesn't even look the same. She's not wearing makeup, well, she probably is but it's subtle. She's not wearing poppy clothes, but long sleeves and formal attire in dark, neutral colors. 

"I'm...sorry for your loss," she says softly. 

"You were good friends with her too," he says. "I'm sorry." The gives her a hug and she smiles gently. They pull away, standing unsure of what to say. Brendon glances at the guy. "You're...her neighbor, right?"

"Yeah," he says. "Amelia and I grew up on the same street, rode our bikes together a few times." He pauses, rubbing the back of his neck. "That was a long time ago." 

They eventually move along. I see the seniors from the ski trip come in. Jared and Storm come by, asking how everyone is. They're gentle and soft-spoken. They don't ask anything directed at me though. While they're talking Rachel and Sky come in. 

"Hey, Jenna," Sky says softly. Her purple hair is faded now and pulled back in a loose braid. Jenna glances up at the two of them and stands up. Rachel and Sky. They were Jenna's roommates. Jenna and Amelia's. They were together at the lodge. 

Jenna looks at them with glazed over eyes. "You know, when we said the four of us should meet up again, I didn't think it'd-" Jenna breaks off and starts crying. Sky puts a hand on her shoulder, looking at her sympathetically. Jenna takes her hand and squeezes it tightly while taking a deep breath. 

"You're going to be okay," Rachel tells her. Jared and Storm look at her with soft smiles before the four of them start moving along. 

Aiden comes in with Lulu and they see us. We really shouldn't have sat in the viewing room in the back where everyone walks through and passes us. There's a couch outside this room. We should've sat there. It would have been emotionally easier than to have just been out in the open for everyone to give us puppy eyes and sad smiles because they feel guilty seeing us. It's not their fault but we really shouldn't have sat here. 

Aiden and Lulu walk over and Sarah glances at them. She reaches her hand up and holds onto Lulu's hand. "Hey, how are you all?" Aiden asks. None of us say anything. I hang my head low, fidgeting with my hands. Why is this happening? I don't want to see all these people again at a time like this. I had so much fun with them and a good time. I don't want to suddenly see them again and it being completely different. 

Moria and Lia come in and my face starts burning. They others start talking. These are Sarah's friends and they know Hayley, Brendon, and Patrick well. We should've gotten together again through a party at Sarah's or going to their graduation. Not like this. Not because of Amelia. 

Ophelia looks at me and a sinking feeling settles in. She steps over to me and I get up, hugging her tightly. Don't cry. Don't cry. 

"Hey," she says gently. "I'm so sorry."

"I am too," I whisper. She runs her hand against my back and I rest my chin on her shoulder. She's taller than me but that's not really saying much. 

"I heard about Gerard," she whispers. 

"I don't wanna talk about it," I mutter.

"Okay," she says. I pull away from her and look down. There's nothing she can say. Because what can you say when a person you know's really good friend has died? You can't say anything because your words won't cure their sadness or bring them back. You want to apologize but it's also not your fault. You want to tell them it's okay even though you know it's not. There's nothing you can say. Words mean nothing. "Is there anything I can do?" she asks. 

"Honestly...I don't think so," I tell her. 

The rest of the evening, it's the same brutal idle of sitting on the bench in painful silence, wishing to be doing anything but this. Most of the crowd is gone, only us, Amelia's family and close relatives, and Jenna and Cody's family. "What do we do?" Brendon asks. "I mean...what's going to happen?"

"I have no idea," Lynn says. 

"We go home tonight," Jenna says. "And tomorrow..."

"I don't want to," I say. "I don't want to say goodbye."

"We don't get a choice anymore," Hayley says. 

"I wish Gerard was with us," Patrick says. 

"Me too," Lynn says. 

"What's going on with him? Brendon asks. "Has anyone heard about him?"

"My mom hasn't talked to Donna in a few days," Cody says bitterly. Everyone glances at the end of the bench and looks at him. It's the first he's spoken since we saw him. He turns to face us instead of keeping his back to us with his head down. He's wearing a black shirt tucked into his slacks like me and the rest of the guys. He has a jacket on as well. "We have no idea if he's even alive at this point." 

"Don't say that," Lynn says.

He flutters his eyes closed and glares at her when he opens them. "Lynn, if he were really okay, he'd be back by now." Cody shakes his head. "He's not coming back."

"We would've heard about it though," Patrick says sharply. "Don't give up on him."

"I'm not," he snaps back. "He gave up on us. He's never been enthusiastic about being here, he's not going to fight for it."

"Stop saying it like you're blaming him," Jenna says. Her voice is shaking and she's tensing up. "We haven't heard anything so no, that doesn't mean he's awake but it also doesn't mean he's gone."

"We said goodbye." Cody stands up and looks at her. She lowers her head and glances away but Cody gets in her face. "You think after that, he's really coming back?" 

"Cody," I say, standing up and taking a step toward him. He glances at me and I freeze up. His eyes are completely bloodshot and his cheeks are hollow and sunken in. 

"What?" he mutters. I don't know what to say. "Frank," he whispers only so I can hear him. "You of all people would know...Gerard was barely holding on as is." My face gets hot and I grit my teeth. I don't want to hear him say that because a part of me knows what he's saying is true. "I don't want this to happen but...I can't afford to get my hopes up."

"I can't afford to lose another friend," I whisper. 

Cody starts smiling and I feel sick. He presses his lips together and forces a smile, staring me down. "Yeah? And you think I can?"

"Cody," Brendon calls out. 

"My dad's not coming back. And I never see my sister anymore," Cody's eyes start watering and seeing him cry starts making me tear up. "I just lost Amelia, someone I've known for a long time, one that I loved and called my girlfriend. And now....Gerard, my best friend, isn't waking up and only God knows what's going to happen to him. But his mom doesn't care to fight for him. So I don't think he's coming back." I hold my breath, trying to calm down. "I don't want to be here anymore either, I don't want to go through this. But we don't always get what we want now, do we?"

It's too hard to look at him. I lower my head, staring down. It hurts. It's wrong that this is happening. And I want to apologize but I know that another I'm sorry will do jack shit. I glance down. Cody's clenching his fists when I see it. He's wearing a jacket but under the cuff of his sleeve isn't his black, dress shirt. It's an off-white, beige fabric. Bandages on his wrists. The last thing he said...I don't want to be here anymore either... I glance up at him worried and his eyes are dark. He can see that I know. And he doesn't care. That's why he went to the hospital. He tried giving up.