Cody's still not back in school but Jenna is. It's a little less lonely in art with Jenna finally back but Cody is still not with us. Neither is Gerard. Sometime today marks the 72 hour period. I don't want to think about it right now but it's inevitable. Yesterday, I talked to Mikey. On my way home from school, I noticed Gerard's parent's car was gone, meaning they were at the hospital with him. I walked over and rang the doorbell. Sure enough, Mikey answered and he had the house to himself. He looked sick. Sicker than usual. It wasn't the cancer that was getting to him as much, it was Gerard.

Mikey was surprised to see me and he let me in to talk. I asked him what he knew about Gerard and he said that it's not looking good but he's hoping with time, he'll wake up. I looked at him softly and told him what his mom told me. How they thought giving him time wouldn't make a difference and that if he didn't wake up, they were letting him go. I expected him to be upset and panicking but it wasn't like that. He was pissed, got up and was pacing around angrily. "How could they give up on him? They don't give up on me, they always find a way. Why is Gerard any different? He has a better chance than I do and they're just going to give up?" When he did finally calm down from his rage, he was glad I told him. He was going to ask his parents about it and try to convince them otherwise. We also exchanged numbers so we could keep each other updated.

All morning, I've felt nothing but nausea. I mean, depression and anxiety have been on top of their game lately but this fatigue feeling's been hanging over me since I woke up. My stomach keeps lurching and my head spinning. I couldn't eat breakfast again, my dad becoming concerned. But if I feel like I'm going to throw up now, I shouldn't be eating. I haven't eaten much all week. A few times, I had dinner but that's it really. I haven't had breakfast or lunch all week. I just can't. My shirts are becoming loser on me and I need to use the next notch in my belt. This may be a problem but I don't care. There are bigger things at stake besides my weight.

"Frank?" I glance around at Patrick.

"Sorry, what?"

"I asked if you wanted me to walk with you again to 3rd period," he asks, walking back from the guitar racks.

"Oh, yeah, if you want," I reply.

He looks at me softly. "How are you holding up?" he asks.

I exhale. "I'm not," I mutter. He puts a hand on my shoulder and I wince from the soreness. He notices but I look down, hoping he doesn't ask. "It's just really hard."

"I understand," he says. The two of us head up to history walking in silence. There's nothing we can say. I get winded by the stairs, having to stop at the top to catch my breath. "Are you-"

"Yeah," I cut him off, leaning against the wall for support. My legs are shaking from the steps and my heart is pounding against my chest. It's never been that exhausting before... "I'm okay," I mutter, forcing myself to continue walking down the hall.

Patrick looks at me warily. "I'll see you at the end of the day," he says as we split off. I can't manage to say anything else, still out of breath. I give him a wave as I walk to history.

We're going to the computer lab today to work on a paper. Things are slowly going back on track now. Even without Gerard being here. My bag is wearing down my shoulder as we walk to the lab. The weight is too heavy to put it on the bruised one so it's slowly hurting the others one. I plop in one of the spinny chairs, faltering before I set my backpack on the floor like I usually do. The chair next to me is empty. Gerard always sits there. The other students continue to file into the room. I quickly set my backpack up on the chair and leave it there. That's Gerard's seat. No one else can sit there. I reluctantly log onto the computer and get to a docs page. Gerard's not here. Don't think about him. Just do your work. What events lead up to the start of World War I?

I load up my articles and start reading, after a few minutes, I make a list of bulletins for my outline before I begin typing my essay. It's fairly easy to write out since the article I found literally explained the 5 reasons. I nail 3 pages with a pretty good conclusion to wrap up all my ideas. That was really easy. I glance at the clock and see it's only been 15 minutes. That was too easy. I still have half the period left. It always takes me the full class to write this much. I just breezed through here.

Gerard's not here. He's not sitting next to me causing distractions. He's not spinning around or pestering me. He's not randomly smashing my keyboard to create typos. He's not kicking my feet or touching my arms or playing with my hair. He's not distracting me and I could actually read an article and write about it. He's not here. And sure, maybe I can get my work done but...he's gone.

I slowly sink down in my chair, resting my head on the table. What if he never comes back? What if his parents take him off and he's really gone for good? He never comes back and I spend the rest of the year without him. More than that. The rest of my life. Maybe I'm being a hopeless romantic, thinking Gerard and I were going to be "forever". I always pictured us being together and while I dreamed about being with him, I also could dream of a future together. I always was nervous when we talked about growing up and going to college. But I always felt that if Gerard and I did end up together, we'd be together. But even so, before we even admitted anything to each other, he's more than my best friend. He's so funny and understanding and compassionate. He means so much to me and he may be gone. Even if things, god forbid, didn't work out between us, I still would have hoped for us to remain friends. If we ended up with different people, we'd still be really close. But now, it might not be that way.

If he never comes back, I'll always get my papers done early. I'll always work independently in history class. I'd probably get more work done when I'm in art, which is supposed to be my study hall anyway. But lunch would be quieter. And the car ride to and from school would be lonelier. My street wouldn't have my best friend. My weekends wouldn't always be as social. I wouldn't see as many movies. I wouldn't be as happy. No matter what, I could never love anyone the way I loved Gerard. I would never feel as complete without him. And yes, even if the worst were to happen, I know I'd find...someone else. But Gerard is and always will be my first love. Nothing can take that away from me.

The world around me suddenly comes back into focus as I hear people whispering. No, they're not whispering. They're talking at normal volume but they're talking about me. And I'm not being paranoid. I know they're talking about me.

"Is he still upset?"

"Probably about Amelia. Or maybe Gerard since he's not here still."

"Seriously? You think?"

"I doubt it's a coincidence."

"It's been almost a week. He should get over it and stop being a pussy."

My heart drops to my stomach and a wave crashes over me. I don't know what it is I feel. Is there an emotion that feels like wanting to cease to exist because you know things would be better off by being gone? Okay, now I just sound suicidal...at this point, maybe that is-

"Hey, shut up!" I slowly lift my head up. The girls stop talking as Lacey snaps at them. Bless her for standing up for me because I know I can't.

"Mind your own business," one of them mutters.

"I find that extremely ironic of you to say," she replies. The others just roll their eyes and turn back to their computers. They're probably still talking smack but at least I can't hear them.

As much as I am grateful for Lacey and Andy to stick up for me, I wish it didn't have to be this way. They're only doing this because people keep talking about Gerard and Amelia because they're gone. And I know they're really nice people and I am glad they're nice to me. But deep down, I wish they weren't making the extra effort. Because all year, we never talked. Nothing personal. Just we run in different crowds and never cross paths. Now that Gerard is gone, they're making an effort to be nice to me since it seems no one else will. I'd prefer just having Gerard safe and sound and Amelia back instead of getting to know them. If that's what it would take, I wish I could trade. But life doesn't work that way.

Thankfully, the period ends and it's time to leave. I drop off my paper on the desk on my way out. My head is pounding. Next period is going to be fun. I can barely see straight. I walk out of the room and head down the hallway, following the traffic. Where...am I going? What class do I have next hour? I just...I just came from...history? Yeah, I think so. What's next? Art, guitar, history...Where do I go?

I always walk out with Gerard but he doesn't come with me to the next class. We don't have the next hour together. So I can't be going to lunch. Wait, did Gerard have lunch with me? I stop over to the side of the hallway, trying to regain my bearings. Leaning against the side of the wall, I hold up my head. I'm so lightheaded and tired. I can barely see straight and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Not here. I need to go to the bathroom or something. Something. Something is wrong.

"Hey, Frank," Jenna says soft-spoken, walking up next to me. I glance up, looking at her. She gives an easy smile, tilting her head to the side. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I mutter reflexively.

She gives me a look but doesn't question it. "Okay, ready for gym?"

Gym. That's it. "Nope, but what else is new?" I say. The two of us start walking toward the staircase that I usually take. She's taking strides longer than me, half a step in front. "How are things back in school?" I try quickening my pace to stay next to her.

"It's...taking it slow," she says. We turn down the staircase. As soon as I take a few steps, I know something is wrong. I can't see anything anymore and I lose all my strength. "It's-FRANK!"

The next thing I know I'm lying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, staring up at the high ceiling. My backpack is sprawled a few steps up where my feet are still resting. "Frank! Frank, oh my god!" My throat burns as if I just strained my vocal chords from screaming. I don't remember screaming. I don't remember falling down the stairs. My elbow and lower back are vibrating but it's nothing compared to the excruciating pain coming from my shoulder from landing on it. It's stinging so badly tears trickle in my eyes and I can't breathe. The wind is knocked out of me and I can breathe. "Frank, please, what's wrong?" My heads spinning around. A few other students crowd around, kneeling down next to Jenna. I can't speak. I can't breathe. I'm too weak and everything hurts. I just close my eyes and fall still.

I open my eyes in a small room. It's dark but light streams in from the hall where the door is slightly ajar. The lights are off in here for some reason. I'm lying down on some sort of therapist-like reclined chair. Where am I? I stare through the doorway, noting the hallway. The beige tiles and dirty white walls clue me in I'm still in the school. Just a different part of it. What happened?

There's an ice pack resting on my head that I only realize it's there when the condensation drips down my forehead. I take it off, pressing my palm against where it was. Cold. Did I hit my head? Slowly, I sit up and swing my legs to the floor. It's rather quiet but I do hear ambient talking. I stand up and take a step. Suddenly, a wave of fatigue strikes me and I lose balance. What little vision I could manage with the limited amount of light fades away and I start stumbling around. My ankle gets caught on a strap and I trip, falling down and knocking into the reclined chair. I groan out and grip the top of it tightly. I can't see. What's happening?

The door opens, more light streaming in. Slowly my vision comes together. My backpack is caught around my foot. I see a woman walking in with my mother standing behind her in the threshold. "What's happened, Frank?" the woman asks. I can see more of the hallway. I'm in the nurse's office. This is the nurse.

"I-tripped," I say out of breath, slowly pulling my leg out.

"Are you dizzy?" she asks. I nod slowly, the movement jarring my head. "Why don't you lay back down?" It takes me a moment but I finally get myself to move, laying back. "Mom says you haven't been eating normally?"

"Can't," I sigh. "Nauseous."

"I understand that but you need to eat. Your friend said you passed out going down the stairs." Well, isn't that just perfect? "Your blood sugar is very low, but the good news is, you get to go home for the rest of the day." That's not good news. I don't want to stay home. If I stay home, then I'm out of routine. I'm getting stuck, I'm not moving forward. There's nothing to keep me from wallowing in my thoughts and thinking about Gerard. But I know I really can't stay in school. I'm sick and I need to rest. I need to stop overworking myself. I just wish this wasn't happening, things were back to normal.

The nurse gives me a juice box and after a few minutes, some of the nausea fades away and I don't feel as faint. She checks my eyes and other tests to see if I gave myself a concussion going down the stairs the expressway. She gives my mother a list of things to monitor me for in case I do have a concussion. I hope I do honestly. Maybe I can forget all my problems.

My mom and I walk out of school, she's carrying my backpack and holding on to my arm in case I fall again. I honestly feel fine after the juice. It's probably the blood sugar thing since I haven't eaten much...or anything lately. But she still insists. She drives me home and lets me lie down while she heats up leftover vegetarian lasagna. I have more apple juice while I eat. I honestly feel like I'm 5 again. My mom babying me, drinking juice, not having to get my lunch myself. Her sitting down next to me and eating. I feel like we're back in New Jersey and everything is okay.

I finish lunch and I stand up to put away the dishes when she stops me. "No, it's okay, I'll take care of it."

"I'm okay, Mom-"

"Frank, please. I appreciate it but just go lie down. Okay, sweetie? You get some rest or relax." I sigh, putting the plate down and heading up to my room. "Leave your backpack here. I want you to rest."

"That's a first, telling me not to do my homework," I say, walking passed my backpack."

"You're more important than your grades," she says.

I head up to my room, holding the railing this time while heading up. I don't turn on the lights, I just shut the door and crawl on my bed, snuggling under the covers. I hug one of my pillows tightly, closing my eyes and sighing. I just want to go to sleep without any dreams. No nightmares or worries, just closing my eyes and all my problems fading away for a few hours. I just wish I could close my eyes and know when I open them, all my problems are gone. Everything's back to normal. I wish that when I woke up, I was back at the ski lodge with Gerard cuddling next to me and our fingers intertwined under the blanket with Lynn, Jenna, Cody, and Amelia still next to us on the other couches. I wish I could wake up and go back to that morning and just redo everything. But life doesn't work that way. The next best thing I can do is just sleep. Hopefully, I don't wake up.

A few hours pass when I shift awake. The sun is almost gone and my eyes are burning from waking up. Well, unfortunately, I'm still here and so are all my problems. Nothing I can do about that now. Maybe next time, I won't wake up. Here's to hoping. Stretching out, I reach up and grab my phone. There's a lot of notifications. Well, school is definitely out by now and I have been asleep for almost 6 hours. Several texts from Jenna asking if I was okay, what happened. Patrick asking where I am and then I guess he found out and then asks if I'm okay. Lynn sent me a message hoping for me to get better. The most recent one is from Mikey. -Gerard didn't wake up- I drop my phone on my face.