-Hey, Frank. Are you still awake??- delivered at 12:00 a.m.

I stare at the notification from Jenna. She sent a private message to me. I haven't read any texts since I was in the bathroom. Somehow, dropping my phone made it restart. I didn't see the rest of Jenna's texts about Gerard and I didn't have the strength to. I just quickly went to the messaging app and muted the group chat. I just wanted to go home. It took me the rest of the period to calm down and I went back to my math room with 2 minutes left. By then, my eyes could barely stay open and I couldn't spare any more tears. I just grabbed my bag and ran downstairs to meet with Patrick to go home.

I fell asleep as soon as I made it to my room. It wasn't that hard since my eyes were practically shut from crying so much. I missed dinner and have just been laying here, waiting for time to get by. I haven't opened any texts yet. No one's texted me individually until Jenna did now. I don't know if I want to talk to her or not. I don't know if I want to talk to anyone right now. I just want to be alone and not have to worry about anything else already in my mind. But Jenna's my friend and she probably needs someone right now, which is why she texted me. I open my phone and go to her messages. -Yeah, I'm up- What else to I type? -How are you- No, I can't say that, I know she's not okay. -How is Cod- I know he's a mess right now... I can't ask what's up because I know it's not good. I can't say anything right now. I just send -Yeah, I'm up-

The message sends and I turn off my phone, waiting in the darkness of my room. Wow, I'm so edgy. Look at me. I groan at myself, rolling over. I can't sleep. I mean, I genuinely have no idea if I slept last night. It felt like I did and that morning couldn't come faster. At the same time, it came too soon and I wasn't ready to get out of the house. I just don't know what to. I check my phone. She hasn't responded yet. Did I upset her? Maybe I came off as rude or irritated. I'm not upset with her, I just didn't know what else to say. What else do you say? At this point, there are no words to even say to those who know what you mean.

My phone starts buzzing. She's calling me. I slide to answer and rest the phone on my ear. "Hey," I say softly. She doesn't say anything. I did answer, right? I check it. Connected. I listen again but nothing. "Jen?"

"Frank," she whispers.

My heart starts beating faster. "Hey," I say in a gentle voice.

She breathes heavily, taking a moment. "I'm sorry," she says. "I-I know it's midnight and all but I just...I really could use a friend right now."

"I'm here, don't worry. I'm here." The words come out of my mouth and I tense up. I don't know if I can mean that. I'm not in a good place where I can be there for her. But she is my friend and I'm going to do my best.

"This sounds ridiculous...but is there any way you can come over?"

"Um, like right now?"

She pauses for a moment and sighs. "Never mind, that was dumb of me to ask-"

"I can sneak out," I say. This is probably not the best idea since my parents are a little more observant of me lately. Whatever, it's fine. "Like how I did at the beginning of the year when you were there for me."

"Yeah...yeah, those were...those were good days," she mutters. "Um, it's cold, I can sneak out too and drive to your place?"

"Yeah, thanks, a little cold to walk."

"Oh, please. I'm not a complete asshole," she says. "You pack. I'll be over in 7 minutes give or take."

"Aight, see you soon. Drive safe." She hangs up and I sigh. Well, now I have to get up. It's fine, it's fine. Everything is...well, no. Everything is not fine. But this is fine.

I pack a bag for getting ready and check to see if my backpack is ready. Quietly, I sneak downstairs and out through the front door. Jenna pulls into the driveway in Cody's car and I run over, hopping into the passenger seat and easily shutting the door so it doesn't slam. "Hey," I whisper, setting my bag down.

She doesn't say anything, just backing out and then driving down my street. Halfway to her house, she starts crying, wiping her eyes and switching hands on the steering wheel. I put my hand on her shoulder. There's nothing I can say. No words to comfort her because they'd all be lies. There is no comfort in a situation like this.

We get to her house and she parks. She leads me to the backyard where her rope later is up to the top floor. Just like the beginning of the year. Except I was seeking her for help. And...no one was dead. Or dying.

We climb up and reel it in, closing up the doors before heading to her bedroom. She shuts her door behind me and locks it. There's a moment where she doesn't let go of the door handle, where she just holds onto it for a bit longer than she should have. I finally see her face. "Shit," I mutter. Her eyes are sunken in and dark. They're violet. It looks like Gerard's...his Halloween makeup. She looks up at me and I pause. "Jen, have you slept?"

She slowly shakes her head. "I can't...I keep seeing them." A chill runs down my back and I set my bag on the floor. She looks at me softly. "Frank, I'm losing my mind. What do I do?"

I go over to her and hug her tightly. As soon as I wrap my arms around her, she breaks down, holding onto the front of my shirt. "I've got you," I whisper. She pulls away, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. "You want to sit?" I ask. She slowly nods her head and I take her hand, guiding her over to her bed.

The two of us just sit down, our weight sinking the mattress and us leaning against one another. She has her fairy lights turned on, the soft lavender illuminating the room. She didn't turn them on when we walked in. They've probably been on for a while honestly. Her room isn't exactly messy. Her luggage is on the floor untouched, there aren't any clothes, I doubt she's changed.

"I can't sleep," she says again, breaking the silence. "I keep seeing them. Just lying in the snow and scraped up on the rocks." I take hold of her hand and she squeezes it. "Every time I close my eyes, I just see the red and...I can't stand the silence because I keep hearing Gerard. His voice...that sound he was making when he couldn't breathe, the choking noise. It won't go away."

"I'm sorry, Jenna," I whisper. "I'm so sorry." Her head hangs low, shoulder jerking back while she cries.

"You shouldn't be sorry," she whispers, "you got a lot going on too."

"I'm here for you, we got each other." She leans her head on my shoulder and I jolt back, stumbling off the bed. "Fuck."

She sits up, looking at me concerned. That hurt. Holy shit, that hurt a lot more than I thought it would. "Frank?" I can't touch my shoulder, it's throbbing. I take a deep breathe and strain myself as I exhale. "What's wrong."

"Just-hurts," I groan.

"I didn't think I-"

"It's fine, don't worry," I mutter, pressing down on my collarbone, trying to ease the pressure.

Jenna narrows her eyes at me, sliding off her bed. She kneels down next to me, gently looking at me. "Frank, what happened." I don't say anything. She's going to be mad at me. Or upset. Or both. She gently pulls on the collar of my shirt and lowers it down to see my shoulder. "Oh my god." I look down. I know it's bad. It'll probably be worse tomorrow morning. And get worse again the next day. "What happened?"

"I don't know," I mutter.

"Your shoulder is blue and purple and yellow, oh my god." She lets go and I pull my shirt back. She stares at me softly. "You did that," she mutters. I don't say anything. "Frank, why?"

"Why do you think?" I mutter. "It hurts too much, I needed to make it stop." I look at her, forcing myself to keep it together. "It hurts that Amelia is gone. I don't know what to do but...Gerard, I can't. Not him too. And now-" I cut myself off. I still can't bear to say it.

"I'm sorry," she says gently. Tears still spill from her eyes but she's calmer. "I don't know what else to say.

"I don't either," I whisper.

"You could've texted me if you needed to talk to someone," she says.

"I know, I just couldn't...after you sent the one about...coma," I trail, shaking my head. "I just shut my phone off after that."

She looks at me softly. "You didn't read the rest?" I shake my head. "Do you want me to tell you."

"I don't know," I mutter. "Is it bad? I don't want to know if it's bad...but if you don't tell me anything then that means it is bad. But I want him to get better, but I don't know if he is..." She places a hand on my other shoulder, looking at me softly. "Is he okay?" She grimaces, biting her bottom lip. "Fuck." I turn away, shutting my eyes.

"Frank."

"Tell me," I whisper.

"What do you-"

"Just...tell me everything you know."

She takes a breath. "Well, he crashed and it was bad. Um, they took him into surgery to stop internal bleeding. He has or had, something, it's called hemothorax I think. It's from blunt force trauma to the chest. Bleeding in the lungs."

"Well, that can't be good," I whimper.

"It's not...and after surgery, his lungs collapsed and he wasn't breathing. So he went back under. The second surgery went better but he just wasn't responding."

"Jenna, that's not better, okay? He needs to respond, he needs to be okay."

"I know," her voice breaks off and I bite my tongue. It's not her fault this is happening. She wasn't the one that failed him. The doctors-o...the doctors are doing everything they can. "Is that when he fell in a coma?"

She tilts her head, looking at me. "Um, I mean, they put him in one."

"What?"

"A drug-induced coma," she whispers.

"Why would do that?"

"He hit his head. Really hard. And he wasn't waking up. They need to cease all brain activity so he can heal." My face starts getting hot again. "He hasn't been fully conscious since the crash. They're trying to help him."

"Well...ceasing all brain activity does sound good. It sounds like he's...ugh." I close my eyes and the tears spill. I hate crying. I hate feeling this way. Why is this happening? He's not waking up. What if he never wakes up? What if... "He's gonna die, oh my god, I can't-I can't lose another friend." Jenna stares at me, more tears brimming at her eyelids. "Please, tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I'm overreacting or something. Did...did his mom say anything? Tell me something, that I'm wrong."

She just slowly shakes her head. "I can't," she whispers. "The hospital has strict visiting rules for patients in ICU. His parents allowed us to go visit him tomorrow. They would've made us wait to see him until he was in recovery if he was really okay. But they're letting us see him in ICU. So..."

"They don't think he'll make it to recovery," I finish. She nods her heads, whimpering softly.

"I don't know what's going on anymore. This just seems like a bad, bad dream I can't seem to wake up from." She wipes her eyes, sniffling and holding her breath. "I wish this was like a game, where I could go back and undo it, have a second chance to fix it, make it right."

"Me too," I whisper.

"We never should have gone down more. We should've just stayed with you and gone in with you."

"Don't blame yourself," I whisper, "they wanted to stay out too."

"I know, but I could've done something to help them. I ditched them."

"Hey, that's not true," I say. I put a hand under her chin and tilt her head up to look at me. "You did nothing wrong. You didn't ditch them."

"I was ahead and I didn't see what happened. I didn't see them, I wasn't there. But I should've been. I could've helped." She turns her head away. Her voice is fading out. "Cody lost his girlfriend. He shouldn't have lost her like this. Kids shouldn't lose their significant others this way. Like...at this age, we just break up or grow apart and forget about each other. We don't...die. That shouldn't happen."

"You aren't the reason she's gone," I tell her again. I feel useless, just repeating myself over and over.

"Cody lost his girlfriend and he may have lost his best friend too," she whispers. "I haven't seen him since we got home. He's just locked himself away, he won't talk to anyone or leave his room. I could've done something differently. It's not fair to him. I mean, Cody wasn't there, he shouldn't have lost his girlfriend and I got to keep mine."

Something catches me off guard in the way she says that. "Have you talked to Lynn?" She doesn't move or say anything. "Jen?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I don't know what to say. I feel guilty. And she just reminds me of Cody...it's not fair he lost Amelia and I still have Lynn."

"Why do you blame yourself?"

"I don't know." She grits her teeth.

"What are you so angry about? What do you think you did wrong exactly?" Jenna glares at the floor. "Are you mad they're gone? Because I am too, everyone is. Are you upset that you weren't there to help them? Becuase you know even if you were there, there was nothing different you could've done." She still doesn't say anything. "Or...are you mad you weren't there because you didn't crash?" Her eyes flare. "You feel bad you lived."

"Amelia's the best skier I know. She's won gold and she always goes up to the resort. This isn't how it should've been. She loved skiing, it should've have killed her."

"You think you should've died," my voice cracks and my face starts burning.

"It would've made more sense."

"Jenna!" I snap. "Nothing about this makes sense. This is madness, this is nonsense. It doesn't make sense. And you being the one to die doesn't make it fit better or any easier to comprehend. I don't know how I can tell you this, there's no way to explain it because...you can't explain this. Okay? You know, people...people say everything happens for a reason. Well, I don't know what this reason is. And honestly, I don't think there is a reason. Tragedy isn't explainable. It's not anything right. It hurts. My god, it hurts but please, don't blame yourself for living."

Jenna doesn't calm down. And I don't either. This is one of those times where we just need to be sad. The rest of the night, we crawl back to her bed and we lay down. No talking. Just laying next to each other trying not to feel alone. I at some point pass out but it's barely anything. My eyes are burning in the back of my head and I feel like there's a massive weight on my chest, preventing me from being able to inhale all the way. I'm so tired, I can't breathe or feel anything. And the fact that I've been constantly crying isn't helping either.

It's Tuesday. It's only Tuesday. This is going to be the longest week of my life. I sit up, seeing Jenna laying on her side and scrolling through her phone. "Hey," I say groggily.

She turns over and gives a forced smile. "Hi."

"You didn't sleep, did you?"

She shrugs. "Haven't been for the last few days...no point in trying now."

"Jenna, you gotta get some sleep."

She turns off her phone, setting it down on her nightstand. "Why would I want to relive that awful day? Just be stuck and trapped at that moment and finding no relief when I wake up? Because it's not actually a dream. It's a memory." There's nothing I can say to her...I might as well take a vow of silence because I just can't speak or find words anymore.

Brendon texts me, asking if I need a ride again. I explain that I'm at Jenna's and if it wasn't too much trouble to pick me up from there, then I'd greatly appreciate it.

Jenna offers me something to eat and I know I probably should but I can't. I can't eat anything still. I realize I haven't eaten anything yesterday at all...I skipped breakfast but I didn't go to lunch, I went with Lynn. Then I got home and just went straight to bed without dinner. But I know if I try, it's only going to make me sick. At this rate, I'm going to end up malnourished. It's the least of my concerned.

Before I go, I tell Jenna I may see her later, depending on when I go to the hospital. I don't want to think about it right now. I'm hoping for a miracle before the end of the day so even if I still visit him, it's under different conditions.

The day is a little more lively compared to yesterday but it's no better. The shock factor has passed for the majority. They're able to move one. It's like a bomb still. While the others and I all are still lying in the devastation of the detonation, the others weren't nearly as close. They only heard the bang. It startled them, they got a chill, but they weren't knocked off their feet. They don't have to get back up since they were never knocked down.

In art, it's not as eerie and quiet. The others are started to do their work again. When I step in, Lynn is the only one not doing her work. She's surrounded at the table with all the stools still stacked up around her. Her arms are folded on the table, nestling her head around. "Hey," I greet softly, setting down my bag. She glances up at me and raises her eyes. I start going around the table, taking down the stools and placing them on the floor. Make it less blatantly obvious that they're gone.

I take a seat next to her again and rest on my arms. "Are you going to visit him today?" she asks. I nod my head. "Would you want to go with me?"

"Yeah, that would be really nice," I say. "I'd drive but I just don't have a car."

She gently shakes her head. "Don't worry, it's not a problem." She fixates on the table top. "I just don't want to go alone."

"You're not alone," I reassure her.

"I haven't really been able to get a hold of Jenna. Or Cody. But Cody's been MIA since..." She sighs. "I just-it seems like Jenna's ignoring me and I feel so useless."

I feel a pang suddenly hit me. It's not my place to tell her what's going on with Jenna. It's one of those relationship deals...I think. Regardless, it's still not my place to tell her because I don't know how Lynn will react and I don't want to accidentally make things worse for the two of them. "She's having a rough time, we all are and we have different methods of coping," I say in simple. "She saw Amelia and...with Gerard-" I don't want to say it. Lynn just looks at me and I know she understands what I mean to say.