I wake up and for the second time, I find that Gerard isn't by my side. This time, it's a little different. It's 4 in the morning. What in god's name is he doing up at 4 in the morning? I sit up, leaning against the headboard and sigh deeply. We just went to be a few hours ago, it's not like he's restless and still up.

Last night, Lia and I were talking and she made me feel better. We had a lot of fun in the arcade and then went to dinner together. The others joined us later and that kind of killed my mood seeing them again. Mostly Gerard. I felt better when he sat next to me and Cody and across from him was Lia and Aiden. So he was talking with us. And sure, it was fine but I still sensed something was off. Afterward, I didn't want to talk anymore so I went to "bed". I probably passed out after scrolling through my phone idly but Gerard eventually came in with the others and laid next to me. Now it's 4 in the morning and he isn't here anymore. Well, last time this happened, he was with Moira. But that couldn't have been at a time like this.

I get up and quietly walk out of the room. Before I open the door all the way, I find Gerard. I crack open the door and see the glimpse of light coming from his phone. The dim glow sketches out the silhouette of his face as he sits curled up on the couch. I step out of the room and shut the door quietly behind me. He senses my presence, glancing up and locking eyes with me. Without saying a word, he shuts off his phone.

His phone isn't the only source of light. The amber street lamps outside stream through the windows and glass, patio door, glowing just enough for me to make it over to Gerard. I sit down next to him on the couch, turning to face him. Gerard is still curled up in the corner of the couch, hugging one of his knees to his chest. It's silent. I can feel his eyes staring at me. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I start making out his facial features better, more distinctively. Looking someone in the eyes is very intrusive. It makes you feel vulnerable and your thoughts and feelings are exposed. But at the same time, it's welcoming and comforting. Because if someone is able to gaze into your eyes, it means you can do it to them as well.

There's a clock hung up on the wall, the second hand ticking slowly and echoing out. I can feel each moment in between the seconds. It's everlasting. Should I say something? No, I don't owe him an explanation for anything. Granted, I don't necessarily have anything against him. I don't need to tell him anything. If anything, he owes me an explanation. Am I being obnoxious? He doesn't owe me anything. He's not my boyfriend. He's not my anything. He is his own person who can do anything he wants. But I still think he should say something. Why are we just staring at each other without speaking? Should I say something? No, I don't need to. I don't even know what to say. If I ask him why he's up right now he can ask me the same thing. I don't need to ask him anything. He can be the first one to talk. He can be the first one to say something. I can wait for him to talk. He'll have to say something, he has to.

Gerard tilts his head to the side, still staring at me. He blinks slowly like a cat staring at you. "The sunrise is rather beautiful from the window," he says. His voice is very gravely and heavy.

"Is that why you're awake this early?" I ask.

"Not exactly," he replies. "I just can't sleep."

"Why's that?"

Gerard sighs, glancing at me. "You know sleep and I aren't on the best of terms. You shouldn't be surprised."

"Well, I woke up because I noticed you were gone," I say. "Yesterday you left early to go hang out with Moira but I figured this was a little too early."

"I didn't leave early to hang out with her," he mutters. "I got up the same time I did now, she just woke up. Kind of like how you woke up."

I feel better knowing he didn't leave me to be with her. He just kind of left the room with no objection. She was the one that followed him. He wasn't ditching me, he wanted to be alone. Sure, it doesn't mean I'm still not disappointed at how things turned out this weekend but what's done is done. This is what we have right now. "What happened?" I ask.

He shrugs again. "I don't know. Just she came out of her room at like 6 a.m. and then started talking to me-"

"No, I mean, with you," I say. "Anything happen?"

"Kind of pissed at my mom," he sighs. He drops his leg down and stands up from the couch. He holds out a hand and I take it. Pulling me off the couch, he walks over to the patio sliding door and we sit on the floor. The sun's first light sparkles over the snowy horizon. The black night begins to fade as the colors of dawn rise. Gerard's cheeks are swollen. Now that I can see his face, I notice his eyes are glossy.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I ask. He lowers his head, shifting unevenly. I raise my hand up to his face and trace my fingertips against his cheeks. His skin is damp. "You can talk to me," I say. "What happened with your mom?"

His eyes fixate outside, the early light glowing in his irises. "I told her not to text me unless it was something serious," he says. "If there was an emergency or I needed to come home. But if it was something that would only stress me out, I didn't want to know until I got home." He clenches his jaw, taking a shallow breath. "But no, she texts me two days ago and throws me into a funk."

"What happened?" I ask again. Two days ago? Two mornings ago he was completely fine. He woke up next to me and he was in a good mood. But later in the day when we started doing other things, we weren't really together. Gerard's eyes are watering again. "Gee?" As he closes his eyes, the tears spill from his eyelids. I wipe them away with my thumb. "You're okay, you're okay," I whisper. He leans forward and I embrace him, resting his head against my chest. "You're okay, I've got you."

"I don't know why I'm upset honestly. I don't know what's wrong with me," he sighs. "Maybe I'm being melodramatic, maybe this is a perfectly acceptable reaction. I don't know what's wrong and I don't know what to do anymore." He leans back but I still hold onto his arms.

"What did she say?" I ask gently. "Gee, what did she say?"

He shakes his head frantically. "No, I can't-I can't," he whispers.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me." I know deep down this has to do with his brother. There is nothing else that would make sense for his mom to tell him about that he would be angry about knowing. I swear to god, Mikey better be okay.

"I can't," he whispers.

"You don't have to. Just know that you're not in this alone."

He starts laughing, which takes me aback. He's still crying but laughing like he's finally had it. "I know you mean well saying that, Frankie, but goddammit, I've never felt more alone." He takes away one of his arms, wiping his eyes. I look at him sincerely, wishing there was something I could do or say to help him. "It feels like I've just shut down inside. Nothing is real anymore. And I can't feel anything. I don't know what it is. When I surround myself with my friends, it helps distract me from what's going on. It makes it easier but it doesn't fix anything. You guys still know who I am. You and Cody especially. You two know what's wrong. The others, they don't know everything but they know there's something and that's too much."

It falls silent between us. The sky has taken a purple light with roses colors streaming behind. "Are you mad at us?"

Gerard shakes his head. "No, you guys keep me sane," he says. "But it's easier to surround myself with strangers because I can be whoever I want. They wouldn't know the difference."

"Why would you want to pretend to be somebody else? What good does that gain you?"

"Nothing, I guess. I'm just sick and tired of behind myself, this dismal nobody."

"Hey, look at me," I say. He glances up through his bangs. "I like you, Gerard, and-" He drops his mouth open and I feel like an idiot. His eyes widen a bit and he's about to say something. "Wh-no, not like that," I whisper. He looks at me warily, seemingly scared. Okay, that was a big mistake. "I mean, I like who you are," I rephrase. Well, looks like we're not ready for that. "I want you to know that you're important to me and I need you to understand that you're our friend. We love everything about you. All your quirks and even your depressions, it's what makes you who you are. And we love you. I love you."

He chews on the inside of his cheeks, staring out the window. "I love you, too," he says back. "Thank you for everything."

"I didn't do much," I say.

"You've done a lot for me," he says. "While I can find an escape among new faces, you're the one who reminds I'm going to be okay. And that's something only you can provide for me. So thank you."

"Anything for you," I say. Well, there were a thousand different responses I could have given him and I gave the slightly creepy one. Great.

Gerard and I sit in silence watching the sun come up. Morning soon follows and the others wake up. "Hey," Jenna says. I turn around and see her walking over with Skylar. "You two are up early."

"Eh, we woke up not too long ago," Gerard says without turning around.

"Ah, cool," Jenna replies.

"Did you guys eat already?" Skylar asks. Gerard turns around hearing a different voice and he lightens up when he sees Skylar, putting on a smile.

"Not yet," I say. "Want to go?" I glance at Gerard and he gives me an indifferent shrug.

"Yeah, let's go." The four of us head down to the buffet and grab some food. Eventually, Jared, Storm, and Moira join us. "Hello, small children," Jared says taking a seat next to us.

"Jay, they're like a year younger than us," Storm replies. Jared chuckles, untangling his earbuds from his pocket and handing one to her.

"Ready to go back?" Moira asks us. She's smiling cheery, spreading jelly on her bagel.

"Not quite," Gerard says. "I like it here, far away from everything else."

"I could live here," Jared says. "It's so nice and just peaceful."

"I don't want to go back because then I'll have to start the homework I didn't bring," Skylar says with dread in her eyes.

"You got homework?" Moira asks.

Skylar nods. "Mr. Liss thinks that we have no reason to do anything with when our education is very important!" she says with a bitterly sarcastic voice. "I wanna die."

"Same," Jared and Storm say in unison.

"What time are we heading out?" Jenna asks.

"I think in a couple hours, actually," Gerard says. "We'll probably need to pack up when we get back to the hall."

The drive back doesn't seem as long as the drive there but it is twice as boring. All the hype has been drained out and everyone is rather exhausted. Not as many conversations, not as much energy. A bunch of people were barely awake when they board the bus and now they fell asleep as soon as they sat down.

With just about an hour left, Gerard passes out next to me. He rests his head on my shoulder lightly breathing. Behind us, Cody and Brendon's conversation has droned out, they're probably either sleeping as well or just decompressing. I glance down at Gerard. His phone is loosely in his hand. I could just take it and see what his mom texted him. If I knew what happened, I would know how to handle the situation and help him. I don't think anything bad happened to Mikey, he has to be okay otherwise Gerard wouldn't have been that kept together. Granted, I don't know. I want to know what's happened so I don't unintentionally make it worse. I don't want to tell him it's going to be okay if something bad has happened. Granted, I should respect his privacy.

I don't want to be nosy, I just want to help him. Gerard didn't tell me, he said he couldn't tell me. Not that he didn't want me to know or that it was a little personal of me to ask. He said he couldn't as in he couldn't say it. That doesn't mean I can't know. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm trying to bargain with the devil.

I glance at his phone. He's not holding it securely. I could slide it out of his hand easily. But then what? I wouldn't know his password. Does he even have a password? Without shifting Gerard, I reach my arm to the power button and click it. There's no password display. I push down on the screen and it unlocks. Gerard doesn't have a password? That was way too easy. But I can look through his phone now.

Reluctantly, I turn it back off. No, I'm not going through it and reading his texts. It's a terrible thing to do to your friend. It doesn't matter if I can or not. If I'm going to find out, it will be through Gerard's means. Suddenly, his phone turns on and buzzes. A text notification comes up.

Mom: I know you're upset but please answer me

Well, that's technically not my fault at all. I wasn't snooping, it literally just came up-It buzzes again.

Mom: We're going to work this out, have faith. There are other treatments that we can try and one of them will work

Other treatments? This is for Mikey. If they need others, then that means the current one isn't working for him. But he's going to be okay. He has to be. His mother said that they're going to work everything out. He has to be okay.

When we arrive back to the school, everyone gets off and retrieves their luggage. I wait for Gerard to get his since he's the one taking me back home. It's still cold, not as cold as the resort but still, it's January.

There's a tap on my shoulder and I turn around. "Hey," I say to Lia with a smile.

"So I guess I'll see you around school then?" she says with a small shrug.

"Um, yeah, I'll see you around," I say. There's an awkward pause. "Hey, thanks for everything. You're a really great person and I'm glad we got to talk."

"Yeah, me too," she says. "Hope everything works out with..." She trails off but I know what she means.

"Thanks."

Gerard comes around and smiles. "Well, it was lovely meeting you guys, hope to see you again." Lia walks off, heading over to Aiden. I hear him mutter something about lunch to her.

"Ready to go?" he asks.

"Yep," I say. We start walking toward the student parking lot. "You dropping me off?" I ask.

He pauses for a minute. "Well, that was the plan," he says, "unless you want to hang out?"

"That's what I was thinking," I say with a smile. "Movie?"

"I'd like that, what are you up for?" Gerard unlocks the car door and he goes around to the other side. "Scary? Adventure?"

"Eh, let's save scary movies for nights with popcorn and whatnot," I say. We get inside the car. "You pick. Absolutely anything you want it to be."

He turns the key in the ignition. "Alright, let me think."

"It can be weird," I add.

He glances at me. "Well, define weird," he chuckles.

"I don't know, just anything out of the norm?"

He nods along. "Okay, I got one," he says.

We get to his house after a few minutes of driving. Gerard mentioned something called Studio Ghibli. Except it's not what the movie is called?

"What are we watching again?" I asked. I sit on the couch leaning forward, resting my elbows on my legs.

"Spirited away," he replies, setting the remote down and crawling toward me. "It's one of my childhood movies."

I remember looking at the cover of the movie before he selected it. "It's a cartoon?"

Gerard flinches, sighing deeply. "No...it's an anime."

I nod along. I'm sure there's a difference that matters which I have yet to learn. Gerard crawls over to me, kneeling on the floor in front of me. "Can I help you?" I ask. He's kneeling in front of me, glancing up with his eyes peeking through his bangs. This is...I need to stop thinking.

Gerard starts chuckling. "Your face is flushed," he whispers with a grin.

"Shut up," I snap, grabbing a pillow to wack him with. He puts his hands up and snatches hold of my wrists, yanking me forward. The pillow flies out of my hands as I fall inches away from Gerard's face. "Whoa-" I fall forward, getting very close to Gerard. He straightens himself up, his face level with me and his hands still gripping my wrists. I force myself to look at his eyes, no matter how tempted I am to glance at his lips.

Gerard remains pleased with himself, still smirking. He lets go of me, standing back up and hopping down next to me. I look at him, waiting for more. Gerard taps my nose with one of his fingers. "Boop."

"And on that note," I say, turning to face the TV.