It was a double update! So make sure you read the last chapter before this one. This is the epilogue!!

I look up at her from reading the last word on her manuscript, she was biting her lip, looking at me in anxiety.

We were at this park; me rereading over the last page of her pages.

A week ago or so, she had emailed me this a thousand-page document. She said she has been offered a publishing deal, but that I needed to read it first.

It's been slightly fucking hard to read.

It's beyond words.

I just stare at her.

It had been years, five I think, since the beach house, at least three since we'd met up like this, purposely, alone. We met the other week, walked a little, but it didn't feel the same.

Not after reading our entire fucking history.

"What did you think?" She asks quietly, her eyes wide, nervous. "Obviously I'll change our names, I just kept them all the same because it felt more natural to write it all like that."

"You don't need to change the names." I say, my eyes on hers.

She winces. "I sort of have to for like legal- like my publicist obviously- we'll figure it all out. I just- obviously you needed to read it before I sent in the final draft to the publicist, I won't publish, if you don't want me to."

I shake my head.

"Emersyn your writing is phenomenal."

She looks down immediately, a small smile on her face but her eyes still look stressed.

She always used to tell me that her brain ran at a million thoughts per second, I used to call her messy, that she had the fucking ability to over think herself into a catastrophe. But although her mind could bring shame to any natural disaster mother nature could offer... she always had this small ability to just smile and breathe it all away. To make it seem ok.

Emersyn looks up.

"So, August, you don't mind me publishing?"

I shake my head. "No of course not."

She nods, relieved. "I just, well obviously when cases started rising and I was in Saint-Tropez, I decided to come home and well I had nothing to do, so I worked on my writing."

"You wrote it all during lockdown? Oh, that's what you were doing when you asked me all those questions." I say surprised. "I thought you were trying to make conversation."

Em laughs, shaking her head a little. "No I just have shitty memory compared to you. That's all I was trying to do."

I nod.

Feeling some sort of way.

I hadn't even known where she was, she moves around a lot. Once she graduated, I heard she went to Italy, but then Rayne told me she was in France, then her dad told me she was working within the schools in Sudan, I realised she was just moving around everywhere.

She nodded. "But yeah, I wrote it after I got home, I've had a lot of time on my hands."

I smile at her.

"How have you been?"

I've asked this question over text, I have. But it's different seeing her face to face.

She shrugs. "The same as everyone, it's a scary time."

I nod.

She looks at me. "Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Okay?"

I nod. "Yes."

I was.

I had stuff under complete control at the moment. I mean, I knew it might not be a forever thing. But I was stable.

"Where were you at the beginning of lockdown again?" She asks. "I am glad you called at the beginning of it all, it was nice to hear your voice as the world felt like it was collapsing."

I smile at her. I called her when they announced the nation-wide lockdown, I wanted to know where she was. If she needed any help to get home.

"I was just in Newport; I was able to work from home most of it. I called because I was worried, I was sick of getting brushed off answers from everyone else."

Emersyn smiles and she crosses one leg over the other, turning to look at me with the manuscript still on my lap. We were on this park bench, no one else around, we probably shouldn't be this close, but we weren't touching.

She takes the book back and places it back in her bag. I just look at her. Her skin wasn't as pale, having probably spent the week in her back garden, it's been sunny recently. Her hair was lighter, braided down her back, the small wispy curls framing her face. Her eyes were still so fucking blue.

I always do this, just look at her when we see each other again. It's exhausting. How it doesn't really fade. How I can be with someone else, how I can have feelings, even love someone else and then I see her and I still feel the same.

I guess she was right, first loves really do fucking stick.

I think back to the way she described me. I chuckle. "You captured me nicely."

Her eyes flick up, amused. "I know, I would be writing it and then cringe at myself because like that is how I used to feel when I looked at you, I used to just fucking adore you, but then in the back of my mind I would be like oh shit he needs to read this before there's a chance of me publishing and then I would cringe at myself."

I chuckle and her eyes lower again, a smile on her face.

"Is that why I am reading it after you sent it to the publisher?"

She nods. "And also why I need to change names, I mean, I know my family is gonna read that shit-"

I wince.

She wrote very detailed descriptions of our sex life.

I look at her.

"Your father is going to kill me."

Emersyn grins. "I am just going to tell him it has sex in it, he'll just have to skip those parts. Or well actually, I might just take out the sex scenes and give like your mum and dad and my mum and dad the clean version, say it's special because they get to read it before anyone else and then I guess they won't like reread it when it's published."

I shake my head at her amused. "You're something else Em."

She grins down at her lap, she always does this, refuses to meet my eyes.

I don't mind.

It's sort of easier.

"How is he?" I ask.

She frowns. "You haven't talked to him?"

I shake my head. "I have, but he just tells me he is fine."

"He got over the virus pretty quick, but like it had lasting effects they're saying, that's why he's so breathless and stuff."

I nod. "I'll call him more, check in."

Em lifts her eyes. "Yeah, you should."

I stare back at her. I always go for women with blue eyes now. It's a problem, when I realise. It's like self-destructive, how I like the way they make me drown.

Drown in the memory of her.

I narrow my eyes curiously, watching her face as I let her know. "I am moving back to the city."

Her eyes widen.

I nod.

"The pandemic meant that our research lab closed, I think I told you that already."

She nods.

"But there's a researcher opportunity in the university, so I applied, got the job, I am staying with Rayne for the next few weeks but then I'll probably move into my own place."

She looks up, her hands clasped together. "So you're moving back here?"

I nod. "Yeah, well, to the city."

Emersyn smiles slightly.

"Where are you going?" I ask. "When this is all over?"

She shrugs. "I don't know, I have been looking, most of the countries still have their borders shut. I think since I finished the book, I am maybe going to look at masters, like online courses."

I smile at her. "For here?"

"I've been thinking about teaching. Like grade school."

She's always been amazing with kids.

"They'd be lucky to have you."

She smiles that little secret happy smile.

"But I also, I know this might be like rude, I don't know. I don't wanna move back here, not yet anyway." She says. "I want to travel still, I want to help more. I want to learn to teach but I also might do it out there, or do it online and volunteer in my free time, yanoe?"

I nod. "Yeah, I do. I don't necessarily want to be a research assistant Em. I'd much prefer something hands on, but well, I dont know what I want to do I guess. I have this degree, I can pretty much get whatever job, but I just dont know what I want to do."

She smiles, almost relieved, as if I understood something no-one else does.

"Well we'd definitely want your brain out there."

"Don't temp me. I am trying not to run away anymore."

Em smiles a little. "I don't know if I see it as running away. When I am gone. I dont know. I always feel like I belong."

"Because you do."

She looks back up from the floor, looking out across the fields and then to me. "So you are okay with me publishing?" She asks for the hundredth time.

I laugh, nodding. "Emersyn Rose, yes, go ahead."

"You don't mind that I wrote about your..."

"Head?" I offer.

She nods.

I shake my head. "No, it's actually sort of fascinating knowing what you thought at the time. At first it was hard, reading. But then I sort of liked seeing everything through your eyes. It was comforting. I don't know. But yeah, publish if you can."

She nods. "I started writing after your first phone call, I wondered whether it was worth telling, our story."

I raise an eyebrow. "And you think it is?"

She shrugs. "The publishing company seems to think so."

I laugh at that. Looking down at my watch. Then wincing.

I don't want to leave.

"I have to go, but it was nice seeing you. It was nice-" I gesture to her bag, the book. "It was nice feeling close to you again."

She lifts her head as I stand, looking up at me. "It was nice writing it too, feeling close to you too."

I stare down at her. "Well." I whisper. "I am here now, so don't be a stranger. Call me."

Em just stares right back. Which takes me lightly by surprise.

"Isnt that what we're supposed to be, act? Like we're strangers. I don't have any questions for you now."

I shake my head. "If this pandemic had taught me anything Emersyn is to keep the people you care about close. I want to hear from you, if you want to talk to me. Just send me a message, you have my number."

She nods slightly.

"You two August, you ever wanna call, just call me."

"It was good seeing you." I say again.

She nods. "To be fair, it's just nice seeing anyone."

I laugh. "You don't do well with being house bound huh?"

She shakes her head, sending me an amused look. "No, shall we agree then, to keep in contact?"

I smile in amusement. "I am bringing my grandparents some shopping on the 15th, we take it in turns to do the shopping for them, so I'll be in town if you want to meet for a walk?"

She nods. "Socially distanced of course."

I smile. "Of course."

"Okay." She whispers and stands up and then we go our separate ways, me walking back to my car to go back to Rayne's, I was staying with him until I got my own flat sorted and Emersyn walked home.

And then we met up the next week.

And the one after that.