103

It's easy to look out towards the ocean and see him just paddling, just standing there looking out to the sea.

But you wanna know why I ran? Why I knew he wasn't just standing there, enjoying the view?

Because he still had is grey sweatpants on. The water around the middle of his calves.

The colour of his trousers much darker at the bottom, where the water was hitting him.

And then it was his hands, his fingertips were dripping and so suddenly I was running.

But before I got to him, I stopped.

I walked.

I tried to calm myself down.

I think I fell to feeling numb.

"August?"

He tensed but there was no other response.

I walked straight into the water.

I stare at the back of his head and then I step closer, lifting my hands to his waist from behind and I pull him gently backwards, the water hitting us both again, but he doesn't resist as I move him out from the water.

I move around him, coming to look at him and I gasp a little.

My heart.

He was crying.

Like there are active tears falling from his eyes, and I have only seen him cry once. Never in front of me though. It's awful. I look down, reaching for his hands and he doesn't look at me, not does he respond to me.

He's really hurt.

His arms.

They're not okay.

I take a deep breath.

"Okay, Leo?" I look up. "Leo."

He doesn't look at me. He's just staring off to the side and I curse under my breath.

I need my phone, I need dad.

August tries to step around me and I gasp.

"No." I say. "You're not-"

He sits down then, when I block his access to the ocean. When I say sits, I mean more like falls, he collapses. And then this noise escapes from his throat that I have never heard before.

I fall to my knees in front of him as he pulls his legs up and places his head down between his knees.

The noise of August's sobs did it I think, the first crack.

The pain coming from his chest, the noises, the sheer violence of his sobs has me breaking.

Then there were headlights I think, I wasn't sure. I felt so lost right now.

But fuck me, did my entire soul sigh in relief when my dad came jogging towards us.

How on earth is he even here?

"He called." My dad mutters and collapses down on the beach next to me.

"What happened Em?"

I just jump up and run back to the house, for August's arms, I need something for his arms.

What happened Em?

I have no fucking idea.

We were so happy.

Weren't we?

What? Christ August.

I grab the first aid kit, that was always under the sink, and then I grabbed some clean dish towels, running back down the beach towards them and I see my own father, knelt in front of August, his hands on Leo's shoulders, his face close, talking.

August lifts his hands to cover his face more and it was a nightmare, the way I knew he was spreading the blood to his face, the tears, the colour, all just-

I turn around.

I turn around because I can't do this, I fucking see him-

Stop.

I can.

I turn back around and jog the rest of the way, collapsing down next to him and I lift my hand to pull his arm and he flinches away from me.

I tense.

August continues talking to my dad, his words painful.

"I thought if I could just fucking make it in the water, if I could swim out far enough it wouldn't be her, that found me. I might not-"His words were fast, hysterical and my dad was nodding.

"I know you did mate. I know."

"I couldn't in the house. I tried to stop it, I did."

"I know." My dad says. "We know, we are here."

The pain inside my body right now makes me aware that I am here, that this is happening. That he's this not okay.

Otherwise I wouldn't be sure, I'd think this was all a bad dream.

My dad holds one hand on August's shoulder, keeping him up and then my Dad looks at August's wounds. August lets him touch him.

My dad inspects them, I pass him the stuff he reaches for.

My dad's eyes flick to mine. He winces at my face.

"Baby, you can go inside-"

"No."

"Em-"

"Don't you dare."

My dad doesn't question that.

"Should I call someone?" I ask. "His team? Tereasa? Ivy? Mum? Doctors?"

"Shh, it's okay. We have him now. Let's get him inside and safe and then we'll talk about that."

I just sit back on the sand and watch as my dad wraps August's arms. I guess they weren't deep.

Not deep enough anyway.

My dad closes in on August and lifts his head.

August was still in so much pain, it wasn't hid right now, he wasn't cold or blank or angry, he was hurting, suffering. His pain written on his features, his eyes swollen, tears still present,

"Hey, hey." He says softly, softer than I've ever heard him talk to him before. "We are here now, we have you, you're safe."

He should have been safe all along. How did I miss this so fucking much? We were ok last night, I mean I knew he wasn't okay okay but he wasn't this-

I am a moron.

"That's why I'm fucked off." August mumbles, his voice deep, emotional and I just stare at him.

Oh man.

Oh.

He's safe right now.

My dad nods. "I know, but this will clear, they always do. It's a bad night August. You get through these all the time. Now come on, get up."

My dad gets up and encourages August to get up and then my Dad looks at him.

"How's your head?"

August looks down.

"No son, dizzy or not dizzy?"

He shakes his head.

My dad sighs and then puts August's arm around his shoulder and I trail behind them, slowly. Climbing the stairs and watching my dad help August get up them. He's still bleeding.

And then my Dad is sitting him down on the couch, sitting beside him and I am just stood there, suddenly aware I am really hardly dressed, a mess, my own skin marked with his blood.

I stare down at it.

The marks.

I suddenly can't catch my breath, the room coming back alive again, my ears picking up everything.

My dad's words loud even though they're only quiet, my heart hammering, blood pulsing.

My body was catching up.

I walk to the sink and start scrubbing his blood off my arms.

"You swore you were fine earlier." My dad says.

August had stopped crying. I think. But his voice was still filled with such raw fucking emotion that I cling onto the kitchen counter, watching as my knuckles turned white at the grip.

Oh Leo.

I love him so much.

"I was."

"Clearly fucking not."

"I just thought if I could stop the feeling, then I wouldn't have to, and then it just got worse and worse and I was getting so close to doing exactly what she did and I couldn't-."

"August what would have happened if Emersyn hadn't reached you?"

August is quiet.

"I didn't want her to find me. The body."

"I know." My dad says and I am just hurting.

Not as much as him. I turn around.

I walk to them and as My dad had moved to sit on the coffee table, his hands on August's shoulders again, just like before, gaining his attention.

I sat down beside them, sort of. I left some distance.

August tensed.

"I didn't want her to go through the same trauma, so I tried to stop, I did."

My dad nods.

"But then I realised I could just vanish. And none of you would have to find my body."

I lift my own legs back and I curl up into the corner of the couch, I just stare at my best freaking friend, boyfriend, literal other-fucking-half and he's so broken.

I feel so broken.

I feel myself start to crumble slightly.

My eyes, blurry.

"I left that voice mail to you. So you'd know. Come before she woke up."

He won't even look at me, or say my name.

My dad nods. "You're bad again?"

August doesn't say anything. At all.

He just stares at my dad and my dad tightens his grip on his shoulders.

"August your voicemail was fucking terrifying."

August looks down. "I just needed you to be here for her."

I lift my hand over my mouth, to stop a sob.

I was crying.

Low, heavy tears and they were silent, silent until he said that, and I was trying so hard not to let him know.

I breathe the pain away, that is what mumma says.

I want her.

God, I want her right now.

"I just wanted it to stop Cole." August whispers. "Before it started. I needed it to just fucking stop."

My dad comforts him, I lean my head against the sofa and I don't know why I fall asleep.

I think it's exhaustion, emotionally mainly. My tears fall silently as I listen to them talk, as the sun rises properly my dad stays here, his hands clutching August's shoulders to get through to him and I just hide my face away.

I fall asleep.

Because I don't think I've ever been that terrified.

I have, that time when he wouldn't answer the door. Or even in his bedroom I guess, when he had lost total grasp in reality.

But it wasn't, it didn't tear my soul apart like that it. We were happy. Weren't we?

How can he pretend that much? How can I miss it when it was right there in front of me.

How could he consider killing himself when I love him so much?

That was the last thought I had, and I realise that it's unfair. I know it is. I know that I shouldn't think about that.

But I would have been torn apart. It's not about me. But how could I ever fucking sleep again? How can I see him happy and not wonder what was happening?

We were so close to happiness, I was so happy, I thought he was too.

I don't know.

I just sleep for hours and when I wake up again, my dad's in the kitchen of the beach house, chopping up fruit for what looks like a fruit salad and August is nowhere in sight.

"Where is he?" I ask, my voice rough, tired.

My dad looks up. "He's gone for a run, he'll be back in a bit."

I sit up. "You let him go off on his own? Dad- what?"

My dad looks at me. "Bub, he's okay now. We talked, he's calmed down. It was just a bad night."

I just stare at him.

He almost killed himself.

Just a bad night.

I shake my head.

"How can you say that as if that was normal?"

My dad places his knife down and walks around the counter and I sit up properly.

"It sort of was for him. Normal, that is." My dad's tone was careful, his eyebrow slightly furrowed.

"Dad we were so good, like before I fell asleep. He said he was so happy."

My dad nods. "Yeah Em, I know what happened, we talked whilst you were asleep."

"What happened?"

"August is going to come back and you two are going to have a chat okay?"

I look at my dad anxiously and he opens his arm. "You need a hug?"

I just stand up and walk to him, because yeah, I really do need a fucking hug.

His arms close around me and I am rubbed on the back, his comfort strong but not at all touching the actually worry.

I was so scared. I am so scared.

"So he's ok now?" I whisper.

My dad nods, pulling back. "Yeah, we'll get him to his team, let them know that last night was bad and they're assess but he's okay, back with his feet on the ground. He just needed to talk it out."

I just look at the floor.

My dad sighs. "Em, August is unwell. We are trying to get him to a place where he doesn't ever feel like he did last night. But sweetheart it's going to take a long time."

I look at dad. "But we were fine."

He looks at me with so much sympathy. "He knows how to hide things, it can also come on really quickly, stress can trigger this reaction in him, where he melts down."

I just nod, lifting my hand to my face and I rub my cheek and eyes, clearing dried tears and sleep and just mess. "I know that, I just, I don't know."

"I know, I know it's hard."

He pulls me back to him and I let him hug me.

I admit. "I am scared Dad."

He squeezes me tighter.

"I am scared of losing him. I am scared of you losing him. I am scared of him hurting himself and I am so scared that I didn't know."

"Shh, it's okay, stop."

I just pull away from him. "Ima go get changed, dressed."

My dad nods slowly. "Okay, he should be back soon. I am going to stay, but you two can go for a walk or something."

I hug my arms around myself and head upstairs. I see the state of the bedroom, and I close my eyes. I feel a little sick, I just needed to clean, get dressed and then go and talk to him. We'll talk through this, he can explain what happened last night if he wants to.

But then I'll just work on doing better. Of not letting him reassure me and brush it off so easily. We'll get him to his therapy appointment, make sure he'd okay.

It's okay, we can leave or stay here, whatever he wants.

It'll be okay. We can do this, together.

I shower quickly, just feelings gross because I hadn't last night and I needed to just wash.

It was like ten in the morning, I had been asleep for a few hours or so on the sofa. All this time my dad and August had talked it through.

I got dressed into the dress I had on yesterday, then I pulled on his white sweatshirt. It was warm outside, but I was chilly and I just wanted his smell. I don't know.

I just wanted him to hug me and not let go, honestly.

I wanted to hold onto him and that would be it.

Ha.

Gosh.

Once I was dressed, I head back downstairs and I hear August and my dad out back, their voices low and I run my hands through my hair as I walk out. August looked so much better. He was sat at the table, a fork in his hand as he picked at the fruit my dad had given him. He was in shorts; his running top and his arms were bandaged properly.

Our eyes meet.

He holds my eyes and I try to smile.

"Hey." I whisper.

His eyes flick to my dad's and my dad nods. Then August stands. "You wanna go down to the beach? Walk a little?"

I just shrug and my dad lifts his head and gives me a small reassuring smile.

August reaches for my hand and I am slightly surprised at that, I don't know why, he pulled away from my touch earlier so I just thought he might not want to touch me.

Instead, he links our fingers, his grip gently yet firm and we head down the stairs to the beach.

We're silent for a little bit, just walking and then he sighs.

"I am really sorry."

I just stroke his hand with my thumb as we walk.

"I really didn't mean- I didn't mean to let it get so out of hand."

I swallow. "August."

He looks down.

"How are you feeling now?"

He just winces slightly, looking at my face, my eyes. "Guilty."

"Leo- you don't have to feel-"

"No, for what I am about to say."

I look up at him, my eyes slightly wide.

"I can't do this." He says quietly and I stop walking.

"What?"

"We should sit."

I just watch in apprehension as he walks up a little, away from the sea and we sit down on the sand, I am slow, looking out to the ocean.

"I am really sorry." He says again.

I close my eyes. "Why are you apologising August?"

"Because I can't do this." He repeats.

I look at him, his eyes are watching me carefully, he looks so put together and it feels like I am the only one here, who feels as if they can't breathe.

"Do what?"

"Us."

I just blink up at him, moving slightly away, but only so I could turn and face him.

"I thought I could, I want to. But it's too much. I- I don't, I do love you, just not-"

"Not enough?" I whisper.

August's face scrunches up, his jaw locking.

"I can't be good enough for you and you deserve so much more than that."

"August- you- you're just not in a good head space, you're trying to push me away. I know you- I know-"

He shakes his head.

"No, I knew you'd think that." August says quietly, he looks to the ocean. Then back at me. "Em, it's so much pressure. Don't you get it? I love you, I want to be better for you."

"I love you too." I say. "August, we don't have to break up for that. It's no pressure, you don't have to be better for me, we're working on getting better together right? That's what you said, supporting each other."

He shakes his head. "I am ending this."

I just stare at him.

"I want to get better." He says quietly. "But I can't get better when all I can ever think about is if I have another episode, I will hurt you. I can't get better when sometimes all I want is to lie in bed all day, shit Em, sometimes I just want to do something bad, like-" He lifts his arms. "But that thought destroys me because you deserve someone who can love you and be happy with you."

"August I just-"

"God Em, you deserve so much happiness, you'd make any man so happy."

"I just wanna make you happy."

"But you don't."

I take in a small breath. It's a familiar feeling this time, a slow drift into heart break. My soul was torn into pieces last night after watching his in so much pain, but now, now my heart which was holding us all together, was slowly tearing.

Last summer it was quicker, like a clap of lightning. This time it felt like a slow rumbling grumble of thunder, staring off quiet and then building.

"August." I whisper.

"You should." He states. "You should make me so happy. But Emersyn, baby I can't feel things the way I am supposed to. Not yet. And you don't deserve that. You should be spending your uni years just being happy and I won't be able to make you happy not when I don't even know what it feels like to be happy."

I drag my top lip between my teeth, holding it there as my heart burns, tears close. Don't cry.

"But we... we've been so happy?"

He flinches slightly. "Exactly. Last night I was so happy. Fuck Em, we were so happy and so in love and..." August smiles a little painfully, facing me properly to hold eye contact. "And the stuff we said, the way we were, just lit this match in me and I felt so happy."

I feel the tears coming.

"But then I realised that this is how I felt those last few weeks in the summer. Just so fucking in love with you and so happy."

I open my mouth to interrupt and he shakes his head at me.

"But I wasn't just happy last summer, I was manic. And as you fell asleep last night I panicked and panicked and fucking panicked because I don't even trust myself. I don't know what my head is actually doing, I don't know if I am okay or if I am not."

"Leo." I whisper.

"At the moment, I feel a bit of happiness and I think to myself is this normal, is it mania, is it starting again? And last night it happened and I just full on broke down."

"Last night was because you were happy?" I ask.

He closes his eyes; he almost looks embarrassed.

"I am sorry you had to see me like that."

I shake my head.