"You went and picked the blackberries."

I look up, then down at the colander of berries I was washing. I send August a sheepish smile.

"How are you feeling?" I ask.

He didn't get much sleep. As in his dreams were bad when we first fell asleep, which meant he was awake most of the night. I tried to stay awake, but I was exhausted, so it wasn't long before I fell asleep.

He was just on his phone I think, I'm not sure.

But this morning when I woke up, he was still awake and although he initially got up with me. I convinced him to go back to bed a few hours ago.

"Better." He says, but he does look tired.

I smile softly towards him and he looks down at the bowl again and lifts his eyes to mine.

"We are not making jam."

I laugh and he walks around the counter and I smile softly at the anticipation of his hands on my waist, his forehead coming to rest down on my shoulder.

"You're still tired." I say quietly. "Why'd you get up?"

"It's boring upstairs on my own."

"Well, you should be sleeping."

He just slides his hands around me, hugging me from behind and I smile, turning my head and kissing the side of his.

"We're gonna make jam." I whisper.

He groans as I laugh and I turn around to have a hug. Wrapping my arms around him too and we just embrace for a quiet moment. His sleepiness making me wanna just scoop the man up and send him to sleep.

"Ima make the blackberries into jam and then ima make cupcakes and fill the middle with the jam and have it lightly folded into the butter cream." I inform him as we hug, his chest moving against mine in amusement.

"Okay." He says. "Want me to help?"

I shrug and pull back. "Only if you want to."

"How about I sit at the island and you just give me jobs to do? Like mixing? I can mix."

I smile up at him, lifting my hands to his face. "Leo?"

"Mm?" He hums.

"You feeling okay?"

He nods. "Just a tad tired."

I search his eyes. "Okay..."

"Don't look at me like that." He says, his lips pulling up. "Tell me what to do then woman."

I smile back and pull away, hitting his hip to encourage him to go and sit down opposite me.

"Do we have any lemons?" I ask.

He shrugs. "We have some in the fridge I think."

I grin and turn around.

Oh I could make lemon meringue pie?

No no, stick to blackberry cake.

I haven't done this before.

And plus, fuck them all, I'll make more Jam.

I smile and open the fridge, finding the lemons and then I get out a chopping board and knife and hand it all over to August. "Could you please slice the lemons in half and then squeeze them into this bowl?"

I pass it towards him and he sits down, laughing a little but then does what I say.

I start drying the berries and placing them into a saucepan.

"What else did you do when I was asleep?" He asks, but I look up at the almost arrogant tone of voice.

I search his eyes. "I just was on the beach reading the chapter I have to read for a little bit and then I got the urge to move so I went and picked the berries."

He nods. "And nothing happened?"

Damn it did he hear? "What do you know?"

He laughs and raises an eyebrow at me. "I was watching you out the window as I got changed and I watched you just start running, like sprinting down the beach towards home."

I blush, like my cheeks are burning.

"Oh my god."

"I heard the squealing as well."

I collapse my knees and hide behind the counter and August laughs loudly.

"Em what was that about?"

I just mumble. "There were wasps like following me with the berries and I was trying to get them to leave me alone so I threw a berry at one and then I angered it and it just like focused in on me not the berries and so I ran."

He laughs. "You literally fucking sprinted."

I just stand back up and look at him. "I was scared okay."

"You weren't scared of bugs last summer."

"Yeah well I am scared of the ones that are out to get me."

August laughs and hands me the bowl and I teaspoon a few drops of lemon juice in with the berries.

I push the saucepan over to August and he looks down in it, I pull a potato masher out of the draw and hand it to him.

"Just mash them?" He asks.

I nod. "Yeah, but not too much, like I dunno. I'll tell you when to stop."

"Kay." He just starts going.

"How come you saw me get terrified on the beach but didn't come down to check on me."

"Because I heard you laughing in the kitchen, I assumed it was at yourself and gathered you were fine. I just went to bed."

I smile at him.

"You'd been upstairs for a while before that."

"Yeah I called Teresa."

I look up. "Who's that?"

He smirks at me. "Someone I talk to every week, for at least four hours-"

I roll my eyes. Mean. "Therapy yes?"

He nods in amusement. "Yeah."

I look at him properly then. "August are you okay?"

He gives me a small smile. "Yeah, I just asked her about a few things, like I told her I wasn't sleeping much. That I'm having pretty vivid dreams and I-"

I look at him, nodding for him to continue.

I was measuring out sugar.

"I don't get why I'm still reliving things when my life right now is pretty good."

I smile a little. "It's okay to have a bad week Leo."

He gives me a small smile. "It's not a bad week, just one bad night. It's alright now though, we talked, I shut it down. Focused in on the important things."

I look to meet his eyes again. Lifting an eyebrow.

"Yes, you Em."

I grin and he just rolls his eyes a little but I can see his amusement as he watched me.

"Did you have lunch yet?"

I shake my head. "No I was um, thinking about walking up the beach and grabbing something from that little restaurant. We could eat there or bring it back and eat on the sand?"

"Whatever you want."

I look up. "You wouldn't mind?" I ask. "I know we have stuff in."

"Em if you're fancying something, then we're taking your lead."

I grin and reach for the sauce pan, he pushes it back towards me and I look in.

"Perfect." I say. "Thank you."

I pour the sugar in and stir it around and then transfer it to the hob.

I leave it on low. "Remind me every five minutes to stir it round yeah?"

"Of course."

I start to make the cake batter, pushing the bowl over to him when it was time to mix all together.

He was sat opposite me, his t-shirt white and crinkled from sleep and he had his black jersey shorts on.

He was so handsome.

Gosh.

"You not cold?" I ask.

August shakes his head. "It's chily but it's sort of nice, like it's so like fresh."

I smile and nod. "I am sorry if the door slamming woke you up? I tried to tie the doors open like Ivy does but I dunno how."

He looks over and observes how I have placed the pillowed wedging the big screen doors open. August laughs at me. "Emersyn it's just a knot."

"Yeah, I know." I deflate. "But what if I tied it too tight and then I couldn't get it undone and then-"

"Alright." August laughs and gets off his chair, walking towards the doors and tying them properly open. I just concentrate on the cupcakes, then my eyes jump open and I turn around to stir the jam.

It was fine, phew. I increased the heat and then turned the oven on and August walks back to me.

"Hey Em?"

"Mm?" I ask, bending down to grab the cupcake tray.

"What are you wearing under my jumper?"

I roll my eyes. "What are you asking exactly?"

"I am asking whether you have clothes on?"

I laugh. "Yes Leo I have clothes on." I lift the jumper, showing him my shorts and he immediately moves closer, his hands running along and down my sides.

"I am making you cupcakes." I tell him disapprovingly, reaching for the bowl and starting to spoon in mixture to the cases.

"And it's turning me on."

"Pig." I whisper.

He just presses a kiss down on my clothed shoulder, ignoring me as his hands find their way under my jumper and slip under my top.

"I used to think about you at night." He whispers and I feel my cheeks redden as his lips come close to my ears. "Like in the summer, I used to push you away, count you as practically forbidden."

I lean my head against his, listening.

"So I wouldn't let myself think of you like that. But then you'd pop up."

"When?"

"In the most inconvenient of times."

I smile, feeling slightly smug.

"Like I'd be falling asleep or something and you'd be in my head."

"Sounds slightly inappropriate."

He chuckles, his hands sliding up and edging upwards. "Those were the most innocent times. But there were other times." He whispers.

I just lean back into him, trying to concentrate.

"Like when I would be mid thrust into someone else and I'd imagine you there instead."

I gasp slightly, taken aback.

His hands reach up to my breasts and he cups them, opening his fingers and trapping my nipples between them, almost pinching.

I close my eyes.

Does he want the Jam to burn?

I pull away and I glare. "August Richardson."

He raises his hands in surrender, looking shocked.

"I am trying to make Jam, at the same time as I make cupcakes and you are being so distracting, go outside."

He laughs at me, his eyes watching me heatedly as I place my hands on my hips.

"I am literally busy, stop trying to turn me on." I whisper harshly.

"I am trying nothing, your nipples are hard Emer-"

I cross my arms over my chest and glare. "Go."

August grins and turns around. "Ima go lie in the sun for a bit. Where's your book?"

"Um, it's just on the chair. Don't lose my page."

"I won't." He heads out, grabbing the blanket and my book and I smile as I watch him walk down the stairs and out into the sun.

Right, the fucking jam.

I turn around and catch it, just before the berries went mush.

It's fine.

God.

He used to think about me? I'll bring it up again to him in a more appropriate time.

...

When the cakes were ready and just happily out on the side I grab two and go down to the beach, the sand soft and warm against my feet and as I look out for August I smile, he was laid on his front, his head rested on his arms.

I think he was asleep.

I walk quietly, not wanting to wake him but wanting to join.

It was so sunny today, warm. There was a slightly chilly breeze, but it wasn't anything compared to the cold winter we just had.

I sit down beside him softly, looking out to sea.

It was so calm, quiet and I placed his cake down beside me and instead looked down at mine in my hands.

A cake.

A cake which I knew every aspect of ingredient. Every little bad thing in it.

It's just a cake.

It doesn't hold any power, here. I literally created it.

I deserve to eat it.

I unwrap the case and pick at it, smiling at the taste. Then my smile turns about me, about the way I don't stop, I just continue and enjoy the cup cake.

I love it here.

In this little bubble.

I look down at a sleeping August and I smile.

Last night we were just talking, our hands gently exploring, and he found a scar on my back, it was little, nothing.

I don't even remember how I did it.

But he froze.

He said the texture of scarred skin freaks him out. He asked me if it freaks me out also.

I knew what he was asking, I knew that scarred skin didn't affect him. I knew he was asking what I thought about his scars.

A little vulnerability opened up between us.

I said I don't even see them anymore. That I didn't know the difference, that I didn't feel anything from when his arms would brush me.

He was silent for a long time after that. But he continued to explore my back with his fingers, my top off, nothing on apart from shorts and knickers. He just watched and held me softly and I...

It was different this time.

The person I am in love with.

He says he stayed loving me all this time. But I didn't love the summer August the way I love quieter, softer August.

Those late August nights when we'd have fun, do risky things, talk, share, breathe in the way it feels for us to touch, was when I first fell for him yes. Undoubtably. But my heart never saw a future, I never saw us lasting. Not really. I knew I was going to get hurt, I think that's partially why I did what I did.

But this August. This August that I imagine with our animals, this August who told me he'd get me a chair to snuggle in to when he worked in his office, this August that explores my skin, just for me to fall asleep.

This was the man I wanted to stay with.

And with that thought came guilt. Because I can't choose the version of him that I love more than others. If he falls into an episode, whether that's high or low, obviously I'll love him. Obviously, I'll support him, help him through.

But would we stay together? Would he get cruel again? Would he push me away? Am I supposed to just- persevere until he's back to stable August?

Being in love with someone who does suffer with their mental health is complicated. There are so many added factors. I most definitely should have not romanticised his darkness in the past. That's for sure.

I feel like once you start to love someone, their darkness no longer entices you, it no longer makes you curious, intrigued. Something to uncover. Their darkness becomes your darkness. You get scared of it just as much as they are. You get scared to see them in the pain, to see them struggle.

Why am I even thinking about this?

I look down at his sleeping body and I lay down besides him and press a kiss on his head, his forehead, just gently and softly.

"Hey." I whisper.

He doesn't open his eyes but he tilts his chin up and my lips press a small kiss to his lips.

I love him so much.

Shit.

August turns, opening his arms and I smile, moving closer and resting my head in his chest, snuggling up to him.

"I brought you a cake down." I whisper.

"Mm." He hums sleepily, his hand lifting to weave its way through my hair and then he just holds my head, pausing his hand and hugging me.

I let out an amused sigh and as I laid my head over his beating heart and listened like a little girl does with a shell. I listened to his heart as if I could hear the ocean.

I felt the need to count.

To count with his heart, the rhythm to which it beat.

I was a little worried I think.

About the dreams.

But for the next half an hour we just laid together under the sun.

August sat up slightly picking at his cupcake, which he complimented, and then laid back down, moving so we were closer, cuddled up more together.

It's funny, how he used to hate this. How he wasn't affectionate.

At how much I need this now, at how safe it makes me feel. Just being here, in his arms. It feels like no one can hurt me.

I am here, under his warm embrace, feeling his muscles around my waist, my body pulled closer to his and it's just indescribable.

The comfort.

Under the sun, we share our body heat, and there is nowhere else I'd rather be or even a single thought that crosses my mind that doesn't revolve around him.

"What time is it?" He asks after a little while of silence.

"Two?" I say unsure. "Maybe closer to three now."

"You want me to go and get the food? We should eat."

"Maybe we should just wait-" I start and then I stop myself. I was going to suggest we wait for dinner.

He waits to see if I was going to say it.

"I am going to go for a quick run." He says when I don't. "Like I'll run to the restaurant."

I pout at him, lifting my head to meet his eyes. "I wanna run."

He rolls his eyes. "Well no."

I sit up and look at him. "Why do you wanna run?"

"I just feel like I've been really low energy today, it's just because I'm not used to having crappy sleep now. But I think it will help me boost energy."

I shrug. "Go for it."

He gives me a small smile. "Have you looked at the menu?"

I nod.

August's smile brightens. "Of course."

"I just want cheesy fries."

He smiles at me amused.

"Anything else?"

I shrug. "I just really fancy cheesy fries."

"Okay and shall I just grab like anything else I see that you might like?"

I nod. "Sure."

"Cool, ima go and get changed into my running stuff. I will see you in like half an hour?"

"Okay. I have some cash in my purse August, if you want to use up the cash."

"Yeah okay, I'll take it. I'll see you in a bit."

I nod and he jumps up, heading inside.

I just stare out towards the water.

Then I wait for him to go before I get up and head to find something I couldn't when he was here...

I probably shouldn't.

He'd tease me.

I was going to find our old bucket and spades.

I wanted desperately to build a sandcastle.

So yeah, August left and I went into the cupboard where we kept everything and I grabbed my earphones and jogged back to the beach, and hell, I got to work.

I was singing pretty loudly when August walked up behind me, I hadn't noticed him until I was on my hand and knees, trying to make a little tower for my castle and I zoned in that someone was watching me.

I turned around and he was there, laughing loudly at me.

I stopped my music.

"Don't judge me."

He laughs more.

"Having fun?"

I nod. "Honestly it's been a blast."

He smiles, looking down at my castle and a soft smile greets me when our eyes meet.

"I brought you a veggie wrap and some garlic bread."

I smile. "And cheese fries?" I whisper.

"Yeah." He laughs and holds up the bag. "You want a bottle of water Em?"

"Please." He goes and sets the bag down on the blanket and then i brush my hands off, standing back up.

Then my knees and legs.

I hate sand sometimes.

It just goes everywhere.

August comes jogging back to me, his top now off and a couple of waters, some wipes and some sauce in his hands.

"For your hands." He says and he sits down, joining me on the blanket.

"Thankyou."

"So you made a sandcastle." He says, looking over at it. He sniggers. "Good job."

I just roll my eyes. "Tease all you like, I like sandcastles."

"I know, I remember."

I just take the wipe from him and he laughs, taking it from me and he lifts it to my face, his other hand coming to hold my chin as he wipe. "How did you get sand on my cheek."

"I dunno." I mumble, taking another from him and doing my hands. "Did you run?"

"Yeah on the way there."

"Was it okay?"

"Yeah it was good." August says. "I always forget you can actually sing when you want to."

My eyebrows raise. "Pardon?"

"Like when I came back, what were you belting, Adele?"

I blush. "It wasn't aimed at you."

He chuckles. "No I am just saying you sounded good."