hiiii

100

"Just bring your books Em." August says as I sit on the bed, writing down all the work I should have done, but well couldn't this weekend.

I had a really shitty brain. Like my head was shot. We were supposed to be studying together, getting work done. I got one piece of work done over the whole weekend.

So I was trying not to hate on myself, but I was hating on my brain a little.

The medication was supposed to work to help this right?

I just still couldn't do anything.

I think it's just because he distracts me, yet August can work through anything. He just ignores me. He is productive at the flick of his wrist.

I have to reread the same paragraph eight times for it to make any sense. And by the time that paragraph makes sense, I've forgotten the one before, so it's all out of context.

It's exhausting.

And it also means I have to bring my work to the beach house with us.

He stands in front of me, his hand lifting to cup my cheek and he frowns down.

"Why didn't you say this weekend that you were struggling? I could have helped you or something."

I just lean into his hand, closing my eyes.

"Because you're so smart and my head makes me feel so dim sometimes."

"Emersyn." He frowns.

I just shrug it off. "It's okay, these weekends happen."

He nods. "Yeah, although you've been on this medication for a week. Have you experienced any effects?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I mean, apparently not-" I gesture to the books.

He just collects them up and starts putting them in one of my tote bags. "We'll do some work at the house; we have a whole week Em. It'll be nice to learn some random Literature shit."

I smile at him. "I might get my head into it by then."

He nods. "Yeah." August hands me my bag and I slowly get off the bed. "The car's all ready, you got everything?"

I nodded.

He takes my hand and I just smile softly at the back of his head as he leads me out.

Trev and Luella are very happy to have the flat all to their selves this week. They haven't said that, but they are buzzing for us to leave, I can feel it.

Well, this morning I felt it. They went out for breakfast so it's just us. We leave pretty quickly, our hands tied as we make our way to the elevator.

"Have you talked to Elijah yet?" August asks quietly.

I look at him and nod slightly. "Yeah I called him yesterday, we had a catch up. He was happy that we um, made things official."

August looks at me surprised. "You told him?"

I blush a little, was I not supposed to? "Yeah." I say quietly. "I talk to him about you, like especially when I thought we were being reckless I dunno, we'd sort of just gossip. It was nice having someone separated from the situation to talk to."

He nods. "So your sessions are going to go forth during the break or are they not?"

I shrug. "I mean, they said they can still do them. That they have access to the uni, even though teaching isn't going forward."

"Good, okay. What day Friday?" He asks.

I nod. "Yeah."

"Kay I'll bring you back for your sessions. But we have the house until next Sunday, so we'll go back after yeah?"

"Thankyou." I say and he just squeezes my hand.

"Or I mean, you can take the car I guess. But like I may as well drive you instead of staying there on my own."

I just nod. I don't mind. "And you are sure my dad doesn't mind us staying here?"

"Yeah." He chuckles. "You owe me for that whole sit-down conversation with your parents. They thought something bad was happening."

I smile. "So they were just relieved we were both fine."

He rolls his eyes and laughs. "I think your mum helped my case a lot."

"Yeah that's usually the dynamic." I tell him.

He smiles at me. "They didn't seem to have a problem with us Em, just your dad was unsure whether Jackson had let out the house this week. But like, no, it's fine."

I thank him quietly as he opens the door for us to leave the building.

"Oh." I gasp. "We can go shopping and get food to fill the cupboards."

August laughs at my excitement. "Mhm yes we can."

I lift his hand and he smiles letting me lean against his side as we walk, his arm wrapped around my shoulder.

"You need to call your doctor about the medication." He says quietly as we reach the car. "If it's not helping Em, I know it's only been a week or so but like you also haven't had an appetite."

"I think that's just because I've been having a few rough food weeks. It's getting better."

"Is it getting better or are you just pushing through it more."

I shrug. "I don't know the difference."

He just frowns and presses a kiss to my head before we separate and I get in the car, turning around and placing my uni work down on the seats behind us. August gets in besides me.

"So what is this medication supposed to do?" He asks.

I just look at him. "Why are you so- like interested?"

"I just care about you." He frowns. "Tell me it's private if you like but I just thought we'd always talked openly about this stuff?"

"No no." I say. "It's fine. It's just weird you- so openly caring."

"Emersyn I am trying to verbalise my affection more." He says quietly. "I realise that I don't always ask the questions that I should. I just listen to whatever you offer to tell me. But like- other people ask."

I just look at him as he starts the car. "August just be who you are."

He moves his hand over to squeeze my knee. "I am trying to do better."

"I know." I say softly. "But I don't want you to feel pressure to be someone you aren't. I want to be here."

"I want you to be here too." He says quietly. "But let's get back on track." He pulls his hand away and reverses out of the parking space. "Tell me about this medication?"

"It's supposed to help like increase my ability to pay attention, stay focused on an activity and stuff. Um Elijah said it should also help improve my listening skills."

August nods. "And you haven't felt anything?" He asks.

I just stay silent. Thinking.

I shrug. "It's a little quieter."

He glances over.

"What do you mean?"

It's really like, quiet.

My eyes widen slightly.

"Um, I guess. Woah I didn't really notice it until this second."

August laughs a little. "Explain what you mean?"

I nod. "How many trains of thoughts do you have in your head at once?" I ask, genuinely curious.

He looks over a little surprised. "It's a little different with me Em, as I have the intrusive thoughts."

I nod softly.

He realises I still want a number. "Okay so I guess two? Like obvious my main train of thought and then the intrusive thoughts."

"Are they always there?" I ask.

"Sometimes they're stronger, and like more intrusive. But they're pretty much always at the back of my mind."

I just look at him.

He glances over.

"Emmy we were talking about you."

I melt. "I can't deal with you saying 'Emmy'."

August just laughs at me. "Sorry."

"So usually." I say. "I have my main train of thought."

Like this one.

"And like that train of thought just gets led in random tangents sometimes, so that's a little bit of an issue. But also I always am thinking about something else as well, like not actively, I just mean like visually I'm thinking about a scene I've just written for my book or like one that I want to write. So as I am thinking, say in a conversation, I'll be thinking about what we are talking about but I will sometimes get off focus and I will also usually be thinking like in images I dunno, about my writing or book or like I'll be singing low key in my head. Like I dunno, not singing, but you know when a song is stuck in your head?" I ask him.

He nods.

"It's sort of like that." I tell him.

"Sounds loud." He says. "No wonder I can never get your full attention."

I smile. "You always have my attention August. You should probably be described as a separate train of thought. Just constantly there."

He laughs at me.

I shrug because I am not even exaggerating.

Gosh.

"But what I was trying to get to is that like- the other shit is gone." I say.

My heart starts beating.

"Woah okay I am freaking myself out." I say and his hand comes over and places it on my leg.

My head is so empty.

Woah.

My heart is beating, beating. I look at him.

"Em what's going on?"

"No." I say. "It's fine. I just, I can hear myself think. Like a lot." I tell him.

"That's good?" He asks.

"It's sort of lonely."

He lets out an amused sound, mixed with concern. "Emersyn."

I smile at the way he said my name just then.

I just lean my head back. "I dunno why I didn't notice, that like my head wasn't as busy."

He nods. "Maybe it was slow?"

I just frown. "So why couldn't I focus anyway?" I ask. "Yesterday I just stared at my page and didn't know what to do."

He laughs at me a little. "Maybe it'll just take a little time getting used to. You should call Elijah, or email, just talk him through what's going on?"

I nod a little. "And the eating stuff."

August nods. "Yeah because I am happy your brains quieter Em, but you need to eat."

I just pull a small face but agree.

I know I do.

I am losing weight again.

Nobody is letting me exercise.

It's funny. How such a fucking stupid comment set it all off again. How I am still trying to fight through something that was so harmless.

Like I am not hating on myself, Freya told me I need to stop pretending that it's something separate to me, something that attacks me. It's me. I do it. First I need to accept that.

It's just tricky I dunno, I am working on it.

"Have I stressed you?" He asks quietly.

"Huh." I turn to look at him. "No, what why?"

He glances my way. "You just went quiet."

"I was just thinking."

"Oh." He says and we turn onto the motorway towards town. His hand comes over and I lift mine to hold his.

"Remember when your face got slammed down on your bonnet because I mouthed off to the police man?" I say.

August snorts. "Em, I got slammed because of my skin colour. Not anything you did. Plus it was before you kicked off. It was just because I told you to shut up."

"Then you kissed me." I whisper.

He chuckles. "I felt so fucking guilty."

I roll my eyes. "I know, it was so annoying."

"I thought you-"

"Yeah, me and Rayne I remember." I mumble.

August laughs. "I am sorry for not wanting to hurt my brother?"

I look at him. "You really didn't know he was gay?" I ask.

He glances at me.

I look at him. "Like not at all?"

"Emersyn I'd met his girlfriends, watched him hook up with lasses at parties. I didn't think about it."

I just shrug. "You didn't even give me the chance to kiss you back."

"You like tensed. That means- no thanks."

"I panicked, you were so mad at me, I was just confused."

"Yeah well so was I at the time."

I smile at him, bringing his hand up to my lips and I press a small soft smile on his hand.

"That was really bad, with that cop."

August shrugs.

I look at him. "We've never really talked about that."

"It didn't need to be over analysed Em."

I just frown. "Do you ever think about that, like that fact we are- I dunno what it's called. In a multiple race-"

He laughs at me. "Interracial relationship."

I nod. "That's what it's called."

He shrugs. "I dunno, it's not like we've been brought up different Emersyn. We grew up together."

I nod at him. "So you don't think it's a big deal?"

August shrugs. "There's shit you won't understand. There just is. Like the fact that's the fourth time I've been pulled over by the police."

My eyes widen.

"One of them was with Lottie in the car. That was bad."

I nod.

"But like, you won't get that. But I don't expect you to. But I know you have your morals on the right side, so I don't think it matters."

"Will you tell me more for me to understand more?" I ask. "I also grew up very close to Rayne so like I have seen it all. The low-key stuff you know?"

He smiles a little. "Yeah we can talk about it all at some point."

"Okay." I say gently.

I close my eyes a little and he sniggers.

"Are you falling asleep?"

"Mm, no." I open my eyes. "I am awake and present."

He laughs at me. "Sleep if you wanna Em."

"Ok." I smile softly and close my eyes again, feeling the comfiness of being so close to him.

...

Shopping for food with August was not fun.

Because he has a practical mind.

I just get excited and put things in the trolly and then he's like okay if we have that dinner, then we need to get this and this and this.

I just throw things in that don't make me feel sick thinking about eating them.

He doesn't believe my system to be the best.

I haven't really explained the theory behind it.

So I understand his frustration I guess.

He was also frustrated because I didn't wanna eat meat anymore again. Like I just, nah. I am not feeling it.

I said, if he wanted I'd try some fish though, so I think that cheered him up.

He's worried about me not getting enough calories.

We don't say the C word. But I know that's what he was thinking.

But anyway, now that we were driving to the beach house, car packed with bags and food for the week I was really excited.

We haven't ever just been somewhere on our own.

I look at him as well pull up. "That date we had. The one date we had. That was mental."

He snorts. "That was so bad. Like I know what I was doing, I was out of it at the time. What were you doing?"

I look at him amused. "Being in love with you? I dunno."

He laughs at me, smiling and then he looks at the house.

"I always liked it here." He says.

We starts getting out of the car and head to the trunk. "You did?"

"Yeah, like I like waking up early and swimming. Of being this close to the water."

I just smile and reach forward to grab a few bags. "I liked it because everyone was always happy here. Like everyone would just relax and it would be like we were in our own little world."

"Aren't you always in your own little world?" He laughs.

I just smile, pulling away and heading to the door. I fucking loved it here.

The house was so big, white boarded, big windows. It just was so light and airy and the big bay doors out into the back, towards the sea was something I'd always look for in a place. Like when I'm older.

August unlocks the door and I walk in, practically skipping in happiness through the large hallway towards the back where the open plan kitchen was.

I place my bags on the side and I turn around to look at him.

He's slower, smiling slightly as our eyes meet.

"I love this place." I say. "I love the white floors and I love how open it is and how these windows are so fucking big."

He laughs, placing the bags in his hands on the side. "Start unpacking the stuff and I'll grab the rest from the car."

"Okay." I smile, opening our shopping as he heads back out side.

I jump up on the side, we had a big granite topped island in the kitchen, it was huge and wonderful and mum and Ivy always sit up here with me as we all talk and watch Jackson cook.

He's always the cook.

I don't know if you've noticed.

Like my mum will do it sometimes, but he always just like gets into it I dunno.

Anyway I was just sitting crossed legged on the side, pulling out everything from the bags and then throwing the bag on the floor to clear some space and August laughs when he comes back through the doors, his arms full.

I grin at him.

He hands me another bag and then starts to put the food away in the fridge.

"August what would you like, like in your house in the future?"

He looks at me surprised.

"I mean like. I really would like a table like that." I look over to the massive hard wood picnic bench like table we have. "And the white floors. I love them."

"Emersyn but you spill paint-"

I shush him. "Don't destroy my dreams."

"I'm just saying. White floors? They'd be filthy."

"Well I'll just have to find a partner whose a clean freak to clean then wont I?"

He laughs at me, looking over his shoulder at me. "Good luck with that."

I grin, shaking my head at him.

"I mean it though." I say and he closes the fridge, having put everything away. "Is there something you want?"

"Like a type of house?" He says.

I nod.

He comes back over to me and I turn to him, letting my legs down on the side and he pulls me closer, his hands on my thighs.

I wait patiently as he thinks.

"I've never thought that far in the future Em."

I cock my head.

"I just mean, kinda taking every day as it comes right now."

I smile and lift my hands to his chest.

"So you wouldn't want like- a yellow couch?"

He snorts and pulls his head back to catch my eyes.

"Huh?"

I just laugh and shrug. "I couldn't think of anything you'd like."

"Well definitely not a yellow-"

I laugh, pressing my lips against mine and he kisses me back, tugging me closer.

His forehead rests on mine for a second. Then he pulls back.

"I'd like an office."

I roll my eyes.

He laughs. "No hear me out. I'd like somewhere to just fully be a place to work, then the rest of the home just to be, like relaxed."

I smile.

"But you'd just disappear into your office and no one would see you for the whole day."

He laughs at me. "Don't worry, we could get a chair in the corner for your clingy ass."

I grin at that, at the fact he said that.

I really needed to cool it.

"We should get stuff put away, unpack."

He nods. "Yeah, we're taking your room right?"

"Yeah?"

He pulls me off the side, helping me jump down. "Let's bring stuff up."

"It's so many stairs." I whisper and he laughs. "Em, no it's not."

Whatever.

I get my bags and he follows me up with his and before long we're on the bed, him hovered over me as our hands explore.

Periods are so fucking shit.

I feel bloated and sad and I want to be touched and he wants to touch me but obviously I don't wanna and just Jesus Christ our kisses are falling into the category of inappropriate.

I think he enjoys that he can make me breathless just by kissing me.

His smirk always tells me that.

I push up and he rolls over, bringing me on top of him and I hover over him, my hair falling down and barricading him between the strands.

I place myself down, straddling him.

"We should go down stairs." He whispers. "We haven't even been out on the beach."

I sit up, literally just placing my body weight on him and he narrows his eyes at me.

His hips tilt up and I shake my head.

He looks distraught.

"You know." He says. "This is the longest we've gone without sex since we started sleeping together."