96

"Emersyn." Elijah sighs, concern evident, which makes me lift my hands over my face in embarrassment.

I just came from Freya's first CBT session for the body image and eating shit.

I am still tearful.

It's embarrassing.

I am sat on my usual chair, in front of his desk and Elijah gets up from his chair and comes to lean on it, tapping my hand on my face gently to make me lower my hands. I do. He hands me a tissue.

Elijah fills the silence. "You know, the person you took this session from was very happy to swap, apparently they have no lectures on Mondays, so this is the only thing they have to get out of bed for."

I wipe my face, annoyed at it's drippiness.

She full on cut through my bullshit and I was just there like- woah okay, we are doing this.

I honestly felt like I was being squeezed. The whole session. But not in the way I like.

"I didn't realise it was going to be that intense." I whisper.

"It probably felt really intense." He nods. "You're not used to vocalising a lot of what goes on inside your head in terms of this and so it's going to make you feel really exposed."

I nod a little and then look up at him, Elijah lowers his head, catching my eyes.

"You wanna go through some anxiety stuff? To get you through the sessions?" He asks.

I shake my head and just close my eyes. "I just wanna sit here and chat."

"Okay Em."

I swallow. "Did you have a good weekend?"

A small laugh leaves his lips and he makes a confirmation noise. "Yeah, how was yours, apart from the obvious."

I shrug. "I went home, August and I spent a lot of time together."

He gives me a small smile, listening.

"He's going to be waiting outside, ready to meet me for lunch and I just- god I can't."

Elijah moves from his position from the desk and I hadnt even realised I had lowered my eyes to the floor until he bends down, sitting on the floor so he could meet my eyes.

"You can."

I shake my head. "I don't want to see him."

He frowns at me. "Why not?"

I shrug. "I just feel horrible and I don't want him to be around that. I take it out on him."

"What do you mean?" He asks.

"Like I- I turn it about us. I say that that is what's stressing me out. That I am scared. But I think it's just I feel ugly."

He smiles at me, shaking his head slightly. "Have you told him this?"

"He knows."

Like he walked away from me because of it.

"But he also is great at getting me to relax and just eat but then he goes and I feel so shit about it."

Elijah cocks his head. "I thought you only started feeling this way again on Saturday?"

"It's always there. I just rationalise it better some days."

He nods at me. "I am hoping that the ADHD medication will help settle you and then settle this. But it is going to be hard work with Freya Emersyn."

I nod.

"You don't have to eat with August." Elijah says. "You can tell him the session is running late and you'll see him later."

I nod. "Then I don't have to go for lunch."

Elijah frowns. "I mean, no."

I look at him.

"Emersyn you told me you'd think about all the reasons why you need to fuel your body, did you?"

I shook my head.

He gave me a half amused, half sympathetic smile. "Kendal has Noah, she's meeting me here in half an hour with him so we can go for lunch? You wanna join?"

I shake my head slowly.

He laughs. "That wasn't really a question."

"You can't force me to eat."

"True." He says. "But it's my job to support you. Therefore, you are going to come with us."

I sigh. "Elijah, you don't- just have a nice lunch with your baby."

He shrugs. "Why don't you wanna see my little boy Emersyn?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "This is manipulation."

"My poor child just wants to see his friend Emmy."

"He doesn't know I exist." I roll my eyes.

He laughs. "Yes he does, he pointed to someone who looked like you the other day and asked 'Daddy, Emmi?"

I felt. "He did?"

Elijah nods.

I look at him suspiciously. "Are you lying to get me to come to lunch?"

He shrugs. "Why don't you come and find out if he remembers you?"

I blow air into my cheeks and Elijah chuckles, leaning his head back against the desk and he closes his eyes briefly.

"You ok?" I whisper.

He sits up and nods. "Yep."

I look at him. "If we go now, I can pretend it's part of the session and we can avoid August."

Elijah smiles a little and nods. "I'll give Kendal a call."

I nod. "Ima message him."

We both go to our phones, me leaning down in my bag an Elijah stepping out into the hall.

My message to August was simple, just that I would have to cancel our lunch plans and that I'll see him later tonight.

He called.

He's calling.

Right okay.

Can I ignore it?

No. I am being cold.

I answer.

"Hey beautiful." I say, slightly torn between amusement and stress. "That was a quick read to call."

He makes a small noise of amusement. "I know what you are up to."

"Currently I am sat in Elijah's office, trying to figure out why you are calling me." I say sarcastically.

"Emersyn, we are going for food."

"I am not."

He laughs a little and I feel my cheeks flush, is he laughing at me?

"Why?"

"I am just grabbing something with Elijah and then going to my lecture."

. . .

"Oh, right." August says. "Sorry I thought you were being difficult."

I shake my head. Feeling even worse at the tone of his voice.

"I wanna see Noah and I don't want- I just- I am having a bad day."

He sighs. "You could have said that Emersyn, we could have just gone home-"

"And fucked?" I ask.

"No. That is not-"

I cringe. "August I am just in a weird mood, I- I will talk to you later."

"Emersyn-" August sighs.

Elijah slides back into the room and I wince just when I hear August give up whatever he was going to say.

"Em, are we good?"

"Yeah." I whisper. "Leo, we're fine."

"When's your last lecture?" He asks.

"I'll be home by five."

"Can I come up?"

"Yeah." I say quietly. "Of course you can."

"I will see you later then Emersyn, I-" He pauses, stops himself. "Just know that I meant what I said the other day."

"About what?" I ask.

"Literally everything. How you are everything, okay?"

I smile, oh my heart. My heart smiles a little too.

"You too August. I will see you later."

"Yeah, bye." August hangs up and I give Elijah a small, tired smile.

"Right you, up you get. They're on their way here." He says.

I nod, standing up and reaching for my bag, standing back up a little too quickly.

Elijah grabs my arm to steady me. I must have shown I felt dizzy. Oops.

He looks down at me, concerned.

"Did you have anything to eat yet Em?"

I shake my head.

"Okay we'll figure it out when we get to a restaurant okay?"

I just nod a little, he lets go of my arm and I am fine so I just spin round and lead the way out.

Elijah pauses. "I'll meet you on the steps, I just have to sign out."

I nod, leaving through the opposite doors to him and what seems like unnaturally quick, Kendal and Noah are sat at the bottom of the large stone stairs, him in a pushchair and me smiling immediately at his little grumpy face.

I run down the stairs, saying Kendal's name.

"Hey." She grins, standing up and she offers me a hug.

I return the affection and then crouch down in front of Noah.

He was pouting, unhappy.

"What-?" I start saying, looking up at Kendal and she laughs.

"He was chasing the ducks, we had to put him in his chair and now he resents me for it."

I laugh.

"Noah." I say softly, reaching for his little chubby cheeks.

Fuck I could eat him. That's how cute he is. Like I want to bite his cheeks.

Okay I don't know if anyone else gets that.

Moving on.

"Noah, is aunty Kendal not letting you pet the duckies?"

He looks at me now, not stubbornly towards the side.

His lip sticks out as he nods and I awe at him, laughing.

"Emmy." He mumbles and I gasp, happy he remembered my name.

I look at Kendal and she's raising an eyebrow at me.

I grin.

She laughs and we both look up as Elijah walks out of the doors and down towards us.

"Hey is it okay if I just go home and get some reading done?" Kendal says. "Sorry it's just he's been throwing fits all morning, which is fine, cute and all but um I haven't been able to get any work done."

Elijah frowns. "I-." He nods. "Of course Ken, sorry he's been trouble."

"No, no, it's fine. I just really need to get this one article done."

"No go, yeah it's fine. I have a break until one now." He tells her. "So I'll drop him back home when Em and I are done."

Kendal nods and she looks between us. "Well, um, have a nice lunch date guys."

He looks highly unimpressed and I wince, turning back to Noah.

He's still looking highly grumpy.

Okay is it bad that I would have just let the kid get the duck?

Damn it.

I shouldn't be a mum, my kids would be mad.

I reach for his little hand and Elijah and Kendal are throwing looks back and forth between each other.

Siblings.

I smile.

Noah holds my hand back and then squirms in his seat.

"Out. Out."

I look up at them, Kendal just grabs her bag off the push chair and wishes us both goodbye.

Elijah looks down at me. "I am sorry she said that. It was a hit at Madelyn, not like us."

"Huh?" I say quietly.

"She thinks I need to move on."

I nod, still confused.

"I say that just because I know Madelyn isn't right to be around Noah right now, doesn't mean I have to find someone else. I love her."

My eyebrows raise. Kendal is trying to set Elijah up. I see.

"Sorry I am over sharing."

I shake my head and stand up. "Don't worry about it."

He comes besides me and leans down and unbuckles Noah with one hand, helping him jump out.

"Better bubba?" Elijah asks, holding Noah's hand and Noah just pulls him to get him walking.

I smile at Bubba, at the memories.

I stand up and take the push chair, walking along with Elijah as he talks down to Noah and it wasn't long before Elijah is pushing the door to a restaurant open, taking over dealing with the push chair as I hold Noah on my hip.

"Hiya." I say to the woman. "Um table for three please?"

Elijah laughs at me. I wonder whether I was just supposed to say two.

I wasn't sure what to say.

"Of course." She says. "Beautiful baby." She says and I grin, looking at Noah.

"Isn't he just?" I ask.

"Would you two like a highchair for him?"

I look back at Elijah and he's folded the push chair and placed it to the side. He shakes his head. "Nah he'll kick right off. Do you have like an um booth type thing by any chance, the long seats available?"

She nods and takes us to a table fit for about six. Three people either side would fit on these booths, but it was just us and it felt nice, like not cramped and stuff.

"Get yourselves settled and I'll be back in a second with menus and ready to take your drink order."

I nod, thanking her and I slide in one side, bringing Noah with me and Elijah watches us but slides in the opposite side.

"I might have to take him Emersyn."

I shrug. "I just sat down."

Noah is stood on the seat next to me, holding onto my arm for support and looking up at the sparkly lights above us.

I look up too, it was a hand-crafted type chandelier, It was big and slightly bright and Noah was reaching up towards it which made me laugh with him.

Wondering if he really thought he could reach it.

"What would you like to drink Bubba." Elijah says, and I look down immediately, both Noah and I do as he addresses Noah but I was used to being called Bubba so It made me look too.

He raised an eyebrow at me and I laughed. "My dad calls me bubba sometimes."

"Oh." Elijah laughs. "Well I wasn't talking to you."

I pout and he gives me an amused smile. "Noah? Water? Apple juice?"

Noah ignores him, looking back up.

"Noah." He says again, more sternly. "Make a decision or daddy will have to make it for you and then you might not get what you would like."

Noah just leans against my side, looking back at Elijah.

"Bot bot."

A bottle, milk.

Elijah sighs. "No, bot bots are only for night-"

All hell breaks loose, and I shouldn't find it funny. Like I know I shouldn't. But he fell down on the seat in anger and I watch in shock as he throws a fit, his crying loud.

Elijah winces.

"Oh man." He stands up, getting out of the booth and dragging a kicking toddler away from me.

He picks him up. "Noah Eaton, boy, really?"

I laugh as Elijah winces, rubbing Noah's back.

He looks at me. "Can you order me a coke or something? Ima just calm him outside so we don't- disturb people who are eating."

I nod at him, smiling a little and Elijah walks away, heading out.

I just twiddle my thumbs a little awkwardly.

"Hey hun, would you like me to wait until he's back?" The lady says and I smile at her.

"Toddlers don't like being told no." I share, looking out the windows to Elijah who was sat on the wall, Noah in his lap, Elijah whispering things down in his ear.

"Don't I know it." She laughs. "How old is he?"

I smile back a little awkwardly.

"Three."

"He's beautiful, does he sleep-"

I cringe. She stops talking. "Not mumma?"

I shake my head, laughing. "Nope not me."

She lifts her hands in surrender. "Sorry love, just thought-"

"No it's cool." I assure her.

"Can I get you some drinks?"

I nod. "Um yeah, could I get an adult coke, and a water and then can I get a kids apple and also a kids water because I am not sure which one he would like." I say.

She nods. "Of course. Would you like straws in them?"

I nod. "Yes please, as long as they're paper."

She smiles amused. "I'll be back in a moment with some drinks."

"Thank you." I say softly, reaching for the menu and I quickly skim it before Elijah gets back.

I wanted to see if there was anything I could face without like stress.

There were salads.

I guess I could just do that.

It'll make me feel better.

So I then reach for the few sheets of colouring that she had brought for Noah and soon enough I am colouring, pretty fucking peacefully and Elijah and Noah come back.

"Hiya." I smile.

He sits down, Noah climbing up next to him.

"Hey." He laughs. "Did you order drinks?"

I nod. "Yeah, I go apple and water for Noah because I didn't know which one-"

"Thankyou." He says and looks at Noah.

Noah was red in the cheeks, his eyes glossy and his eyelashes wet and long looking.

"We're not mad any more are we?" Elijah asks Noah.

Noah shakes his head, reaching for some colouring and I push it towards him, handing him some pencils.

I smile at Elijah.

He's a cutie. Noah, I mean.

The waitress comes back over with our drinks and asks if we are ready to order and I look a little panicked at Elijah.

"Not just yet." He says to her and she leaves.

He looks at me. Then he looks down at Noah, flicking through the menu. "You can have nuggets or you can have sausage or you can have some-"

"Sausage." Noah mumbles.

"Would you like mash?" Elijah asks.

"Yes."

"Yes please." Elijah corrects and then he yawns, rubbing his face and looking at the menu.

He looks up at me. "What would you like?"

I press my lips together.

"Just try?" He asks gently. "There's no rule that says if you order it you have to finish it Emersyn."

"Well like-"

"No I am saying there isn't."

I nod, looking back at the menu.

I am hungry, I shouldn't be, but I am.

I just look at the vegetarian stuff. I just want the salad but I don't want the meat on it.

There's a Orange, fennel & wild rice salad in the vegetarian section and so I decide I'll go with that. I tell him.

He nods. "Would you like me to go and order at the bar, I remember you saying about hearing food ordered can upset you."

I nod a little, surprised at the memory, the consideration.

He slides out and Noah watches with big eyes as his daddy walks away from him.

I see it coming.

The tears.

"Noah?" I ask. "What are you colouring?"

I reach over. "Wow baby, that is so great."

I mean scribbles are great.

He smiles a little. "Can you show me how you did that on my one?" I ask, sliding my paper over and I grin when he nods furiously, kneeling up and scribbling all over my picture.

At least he's distracted huh.

It wasn't long before Elijah got back and we sort of just continued talking like we would when I am in his office.

I tell him about my weekend, about my little fight with August outside my house. How I think pretty much everyone knows now that August and I are back... together?

Obviously not.

Back being close.

I think that's a better, more accurate way of explaining it.

Elijah ordered himself a burger, simple and true and he slid it away from him and moved Noah's food in front of himself, the toddler hardly even noticing we had gotten our food.

Elijah is just cutting up Noah's food and blowing on it to make is cooler, I was smiling as a watch him. How do parents just know how to do this shit?

I pick at my salad, mainly just watching Elijah and Noah, Elijah eating mouthfuls in between managing Noah.

We talk, just about random fucking shit until Noah is all done and Elijah is finally eating his food properly. "Go sit with Emmy Noah, she needs a little hug." He tells him and my eyebrows raise.

He gives me a small smile and I place my fork down, thinking that's pretty much my cue to stop pretending I'm eating.

Noah slips under the table and I laugh when he clambers up on my side, plopping himself down on me.

He yawns and look up.

He reaches up and touches my skin on my cheeks, standing up and I wince, holding him as he stands up on my thighs.

Ouchie.

He is staring into my bloody soul.

"You good baby?" I ask amused, my eyes flicking to Elijah.

Elijah rolls his eyes. "I think he's noticing that we have a different skin colour. He does this with Victoria as well."

I laugh, blowing some air at Noah to get his attention.

He looks at me.

"Hiya." I smile, he smiles back and sits down, turning back around to his dad and then Noah reaches for my food.

Elijah pulls it out of his reach.

"Noah, it's healthy you won't like it." He says.

I laugh and Noah reaches for it again.

"It's spicy bubba." Elijah says and Noah looks at him utterly confident.

"Try, try. Daddy, food?"

"I-" Elijah sighs and looks at me and I just shrug.