HIYA: Can we please acknowledge that I need to put a - but um, like don't freak out or anything... it's okay.

93

My parents had put up a marquee in the garden, soft warming lights along the sides, a long table decorated beautifully down the middle.

We always do the family party things here, always, the garden is bigger and well when we moved to this town my mumma was sort of swallowed by Jackson's parents, our whole family, like me, mumma and dadda being swept under their arms.

So I know Charlotte and Jeremy are obviously like Rayne and August's family, but they feel like mine. They are mine, you see?

I straighten my skirt, watching as my mum and dad bicker over something in the end of the marquee. I smile as I watch, their eyes playful, mostly.

My dad looks annoyed, slightly, my mum just looks amused.

I walk towards them.

August, Rayne and Lottie were in the kitchen, Jackson was using them to help cook. They were being commanded around the kitchen, Ivy watching in amusement and we were waiting for like the others to get here. Grandparents, siblings, that sort of thing.

I escaped the kitchen before I got pulled to help and instead was heading to mediate my parents.

"Happy feelings guys." I say as I walk towards them, my mum turns to give me a smile.

My dad narrows his eyes at me accusingly.

Oh no.

What?

Is it an Leo thing?

We've not even looked at each other since we've been here. What can Dad even know?

"Your mother thinks it's really funny to tell me, right this instance that she wants to employ a male model for her art class."

Oh.

"Bub it's normal-"

He glares at her and she leans her head back laughing.

He sighs in stress. "I can see it now, local artist runs away from HAPPY marriage to be with silly model wanker."

"Dad." I laugh, my eyes widening, and my mum just sighs.

"Will it make you feel better if I employ a woman-?"

"No!" My dad exclaims and I laugh, my mum opens an arm for me and I go to her, standing beside her as we look at my distraught father.

"I need a model Cole."

"Then I'll be your model."

"Baby-" She sighs.

"Am I not hot anymore?" He looks down at his body. "Why do you feel the need to put me in a crisis before we have a house full of guests?"

"Oh my lord." My mum laughs and I grin, shaking my head at my dad.

"I need a young model, it's nothing against you-"

I look at her. "I could-"

She looks at me and then my Dad laughs. "No. No. No. No. You are not- No."

I look at him confused. "Why can you be a model and I not?"

He glowers at me. "Because you are a child."

I laugh, smiling slightly because I am not, and he shakes his head at me in distress.

"Emersyn no."

I look at mum. "I could be your model?" I ask.

"It would require you to be naked Emersyn." She says amused and I shrug.

"I don't mind-"

"No!" My dad exclaims and looks between us. "No."

He walks off and both mum and I burst into laughter, watching him storm up the stairs into the house.

I smile at her, moving a step away from her and she gives me a small smile.

"How are you doing?"

I shrug. "Pretty good."

"Yeah?"

I nod. "I am starting the CBT for body image stuff and Eli is great at rationalising things for me."

My mum smiles. "Eli huh?"

I cock my head. "What do you mean?"

She shrugs. "He's just young, very pretty, very smart-"

"Has a child... is my ADHD support worker... isn't interested in me like that." I finish for her.

She rolls her eyes. "Well, that's just extra things to spice up the relationship."

"Mum." I laugh, shaking my head at her and she just smiles at me.

"Fine then, how's Henry."

I roll my eyes. "Henry and I aren't anything-"

"Oh boring Henry." She sings.

"Mumma." I laugh, walking with her as we head inside.

The sun was up, high over in the sky, making it almost nice out here.

I was a little chilly, so I'd probably go and get my cardigan from August's car in a minute.

"What about the problematic one inside?"

I look at her slightly unimpressed and she laughs. "I just miss knowing what's going on in your life."

"It's not very nice to call him problematic."

Her eyebrow raises and I roll my eyes.

"No, nothing's going on."

She just gives me a look, which I don't know what that means.

It's not like I could tell her, well last night Mum something weird happened and it changed from us just messing around and having fun to something else, something scary that has kept us quiet this morning.

When we woke up- yep we fell asleep- when we woke up, our limbs a tangle, I could feel it, the weird change.

It was scary.

It kept us quiet, close.

We showered together, our bodies close, he waited for me as I got ready, packed a bag.

We cleared up the kitchen together.

Then we walked downstairs, he got changed, got a bag together.

We then headed out, driving home, his hand in mine, on my leg.

And now we're separated and it's a little harsh.

I dunno, I was just clingy.

"I have been missing you." She tells me. "I am only 38, I feel like you should still be a baby."

I smile. "Have another kid, replace me."

Her face drops a little and I wince. "Oh gosh, I am sorry mumma."

She shakes her head. "Shush it's fine."

I forget, like why they didn't have any more.

"I mean like, if you miss me, if your heart still feels like it can give more you can always think about other ways."

"Shush, your dad has about three heart attacks a day due to you and Leo, we don't need any more."

I frown. "I mean It though, you could foster. God you and dad would be perfect-"

She smiles at me, shaking her head but I see it, the little possibility.

"I miss you too, though." I say. "Can we maybe make time every week, for dinner or lunch or something? I am only half an hour away."

She smiles. "If you're the one treating me, then I suppose I can pencil you in."

I blink at her and we walk into the kitchen. "Mum my money comes from you and dad. Either way-"

She laughs and shushes me. "You dad can treat us then."

"What am I doing?" My dad chips in and August looks up from his potato peeling too.

I smile at dad. "Nothing."

"You-"

My mum laughs and squeezes my arm, going to him and pressing a kiss on his cheek. She then walks away, heading towards the living room and his eyes follow her in adoration.

I smile at that, then go towards the kitchen.

Jackson stops me before I cross behind the counter.

"Emersyn, sweetheart, we have everything in control right now. You nor Ivy are allowed behind the counter."

My jaw drops and both August and Rayne scoff in amusement. Jackson was stood in front of me, shaking his head at me.

Ivy pats the chair next to her at the breakfast bar.

"Come and join me Bub." She says and I sulkily walk to her side.

"I am the best cook between them all." I mumble and she nods.

"We both are."

I look at her side.

Oh no.

Am I secretly bad and everyone just humours me because that's sort of sad.

"You are just chaotic." Lottie says as she rolls stuffing balls between her fingers. "That's all."

I just scrunch my face up at her and she returns the look.

She looked cute. She had curled her hair, put a little mascara on.

She was growing up and it was lowkey sad.

But we'd be okay.

I look at Ivy. "Did you ever think about having more children?"

She shakes her head. "Nope. I went from zero children to having three in just over a year. It was enough."

August snorts. "You mean we scared you out of having more?"

"No child, I meant that you three were enough." She says back, the attitude there and he shakes his head, amused and I smile at him, he looks back down.

I look at her. "It's weird isn't it, how you obviously got August and Rayne and then you ended up having a little girl as well."

Ivy just smiles at me, amused at my words.

"Yep, I am glad though, it lessoned the competition between them all."

I nodded and watch as Rayne leans over Lottie's shoulder, telling her something, helping her with something.

I look at August, my eyes warm.

"Do you two see much of each other at Uni?" Ivy asks.

August's eyes lift to mine and then his mother's quickly. "You mean around campus?"

She shrugs. He lifts his hand and rotates it in a so-so position. "It's a big campus, we study as a group together on Fridays and we go swimming."

Ivy looks at me surprised. "You two go swimming?"

"Yeah what?" My dad asks, coming up behind me and I laugh when he wraps am arm around my shoulder and we all look at August.

August's eyes widen slightly and I laugh internally, watching him pass the potatoes to Rayne.

"Yeah, I got Emersyn into swimming because she was stressed."

I pout a little at that. Exposed me, huh.

He rolls his eyes at me and my face. "And we study."

I smile, remembering our last effort to study together at the library.

"Oh did you guys study last night then."

I laugh, remembering us together on the dance floor and my dad gives me a look.

I just blink innocently at him.

"No we went out last night." August says.

"Just you two?" My dad asks appalled and I look at him unimpressed.

"No dad, a group of us, we have the same friends."

My dad just looks between us unimpressed.

I roll my eyes, leaning away from him and leaning on Ivy.

Ivy laughs and wraps an arms around me.

"Stop bothering them Cole."

He just raises his hands in surrender, and I look at August.

He gives me a small smile and I smile back.

I miss him.

It's so ridiculous.

But I wanna be close to him.

I pull away from Ivy and decide to jump down, go outside and sit in the sun if I am not allowed to help here.

"August can I have your keys? I need to get my cardigan."

"Yeah they're on the side."

I just grab them and head out, not bothering to close the door behind me as go down our drive and press his car unlocked.

I head into the back of the car and I grab my cardigan, I threw it back here because it was hot on the drive over, but yeah I needed it now.

I grab it and I am about to pull back out of the back when my eyes glimpses a little silver tin under the seat, probably no bigger than the length between the tip of my thumb and my index finger.

I swallow and I pick it up, I couldn't help myself.

I open it.

I drop it.

There was stuff in there, bad stuff, like stuff he'd use to hurt himself.

I curse as they go flying and I go to pick it them up, my heart feeling very sore as I just look.

He hasn't been hurting himself.

He hasn't.

I see his body every day.

There's been no new marks for months.

Why does he have this? In his fucking car.

I pick them up, placing them back carefully in the tin, I try anyway.

They're sharp, I'm clumsy, my hands are shaking.

Meaning my finger-

Poor finger.

I curse, clutching it in my hand I put the rest away, more carelessly because now I'm mad I cut myself and I slam the tin shut, shoving it under the seat.

I grab my cardigan and get out, coming face to face with Charlotte and Jeremy walking up the drive.

I grinned.

"Hey!"

"Hey you." Charlotte laughs, opening her arms to me and I wince.

"Hey I'd hug you, but I cut my finger and it's bloody so I'll-"

"Show me." She says immediately and I smile, opening my hand up to her and she just shakes her head at me, taking a hold of my wrist and pulling me inside with her.

Jeremy is laughing behind me, taking my cardigan from me.

"Happy Birthday." I say quietly and Charlotte laughs, shaking her head.

"Why are you so accident prone? What did you even do?"

"Nothing." I exclaim, looking down at the blood. "I just caught my finger on his chair and yeah."

Charlotte laughs softly and we head inside, everyone excited to see her and say happy birthday as soon as we get to the kitchen.

I fall away from her, as she gets arms wrapped around her and I head to the bathroom, ready to clear my bloody finger up.

I could feel August following me.

I was glad for it.

I was wrong for going through his stuff.

I shouldn't have done that.

"How the fuck did you manage-"

I grimace and run my finger under the tap, August steps up behind me, looking over my shoulder and he slowly shuts the bathroom door behind us.

I lean back into him and he wraps an arm around my waist.

"I saw your tin, opened it, dropped it in surprised, picked the shit up, caught my finger on one."

He's quiet.

I cringe.

"I am sorry, I know I shouldn't have gone through your stuff."

He moves rests his chin down on my shoulder and I look up at him in the mirror.

"Are you mad?" He asks.

I shake my head quickly. I reach for a paper towel, wrapping it around my finger and I turn around, looking at him as I lean my ass against the sink.

"Just confused." I whisper. "You haven't been cutting have you?"

He shakes his head slowly.

"You swear?"

He frowns at me. "Emersyn you see my body every day."

Well I know.

I just frown, confused.

"Why do you have that in your car?"

He pulls a face and I lift my good hand to his face, stroking my thumb over his cheek and August leans down and slowly presses his lips against mine, softly drawing my bottom lip between his and I respond, moving my lips against his and then I realise he's distracting me and I pull away, giving him a look.

"Nuh uh." I whisper.

He sighs. "It's better than having it in my room. I need it, it, I feel worse when I don't have it, I don't-" He pauses.

"Explain it to me?" I whisper.

"It's fucked up."

I shrug. "Hasn't bothered me as of yet."

He sighs and moves away from me and he sits down on the toilet lid.

I watch him, still leaning against the sink.

We were in the downstairs bathroom, the door locked.

We could be doing something much different than this.

Instead I am looking down at my finger and August is searching for the words.

"When I feel like I want to harm myself Emersyn, I can either let it build to the point of me wanting to jump off a roof or I can do the other thing and it feels manageable."

I shake my head at him.

"It's not. It doesn't help. It's bad and it fucks with you head even more."

I nod.

"But yeah, so that's why I can't get rid of it because it- If I don't have the tin I feel like the only choice I have left is the bigger stuff. But I keep it in the car because if I keep it in my room it's too easy."

I look at him.

"Like I moved it to my car because like- If I feel like it at night, I'd have to get dressed, go out of the flat, go down and into the street, like it's a lot of effort and it's also enough time for me to calm down, think about it."

I nod.

"So I know you think it's bad. And I know it is bad. But I am trying."

I shake my head. "No, no, I just, it scared me you know? Plus I cut my finger and that made me sad."

He laughs, holding his hand up and I let him take my finger in his hand, tugging me towards him lightly. I stand between his legs and he unwraps my finger, looking at the little line.

I worry, as I watch him look at it.

He pressed a kiss to my hand, moving it up to my wrist, his lips against my slow increasing pulse.

"I am so proud of you." I whisper down at him. "For the way you are trying. And succeeding."

He places an open mouth kiss on my wrist and I lean against him, my fingers running gently over his face, into his hair.

There's a knock on the bathroom door.

And we both tense, not saying anything, listening.

"Em?" Rayne's voice is stern. "August." He whispers.

I laugh, pulling away and I open the door and August is just innocently sat on the toilet and I am by the sink now, turning around to look for a plaster.

"Are you two trying to get murdered?" Rayne whispers and I smile at him through the mirror.

August rolls his eyes. "She hurt her finger; I was just aiding in the recovery."

I laugh at him, shaking my head and he stands up and walks to pass me.

"Mhm of course." Rayne mumbles and he watches in shock when August grabs my hip and places a quick, wet kiss on my jaw and then ducks past Rayne and heads back to our family.

I just wipe my face, smiling down at the sink.

Damn it Leo.

Damn you.

I lift my eyes and Rayne is watching me, slightly amused. I roll my eyes at him, my blush and smile becoming brighter.

"Oh no." He says.

I reach up to get a plaster and turn to him, asking for help.

He takes it and slowly unwraps it.

"Oh no." I whisper back, sort of in confirmation.

Rayne laughs, shaking his head at me and I give him a pleading look. He places the plaster on my finger and then tells me to come on, that Jude was almost here.

....

It had been a few hours, we were all getting ready to sit down and eat, Jackson finishing up dinner.

August was by my side, Lottie was with us, it was funny, the way he's secretly touch me, looking deeply entranced in what Lots was telling us but instead his hand was on my back, drifting up to the exposed skin above my dress.

Our backs to the marquee wall.

"Dad says we can't afford an animal, but we can. I looked at their bank. Mum and dad have so much money, plus my friend is giving away her kittens for free and it's just so utterly unfair."

I nod, yeah it sounds unfair.

I am so close to laughing.

August just openly laughs at Lottie. "Dotty, mum is practically allergic to cats."

"But it would be my cat! She wouldn't have to even see it."

I laugh, leaning into her brother's hand a little and she pouts. "It's the hair."

"I would vacuum!"

"Have you ever hoovered in your life?"

"Well no because dad does it but I-" She sighs dramatically. "I just really want this cat."

"I still don't know why you are telling me this." August says.

"Because you can convince them!"

"No I cant." He laughs and pushes me away slightly, his grandparents were coming towards us, Ivy's mum and dad.

I stand up more.

"You can." Lottie pleads. "Rayne has tried, they've still said no."

"Lot's they are going to say no, mum can't see when cats are around."

Lottie pulls a face. "Why does she even have to see for?"

I laugh loudly, shaking my head at her and she laughs, knowing she's being ridiculous.

"What's this?" Mrs James asks, placing her hands on Lottie's shoulders and leaning down to give her a kiss on the cheek.

"Nanny I want a kitten but mummy says no."

I laugh, Lottie's voice changed from grumpy to sweet immediately.