I came back out to August who was bare chested and stood at the counter, dishing food into some bowls. And when I saw him, I couldn't help but smile. I just went and sorted myself out a little, got changed, stuck a nightdress on, unbraided my very very messy hair into soft waves.

I walked up behind him, placing my palms on his back and he chuckles. "You okay?"

I lean my head against his back, his skin, I place a small kiss there quickly.

Secretly.

He didn't even have to know.

"You tire me." I say.

He scoffs and turns around, opening his arms and I hate that I fell into them without even thinking.

"That was all you." He whispers down into my ear and I sigh, hugging my arms around him and August circles his around my waist tightly.

"I hurt." I pout, pulling back. "Sex on the floor hurts."

He smiles and shakes his head at me. "Come on, food."

I just let him pull away from me and he grabs my hand and also a bowl and practically guides my tired body over to the kitchen table and he makes me sit down.

I just watch him, I watch him be soft with me and It makes me so fucking confused.

Like why- why has he been so- open to me lately?

I worry, but then, he doesn't act like the way he did when I thought he was falling for me last summer, this wasn't mania, it also wasn't the August that was cold or moody or anything like that. Not with me.

I don't get it.

And I can't think about it more.

Because if I think about it more, any conclusion I might come to is just stupid.

Stupid and embarrassing.

Because. I. Can't. Do. This. Again.

But I have always been stupid, especially when it comes to this beautiful human in front of me, so when he comes back over with his food, and he nudged me to stand up, I don't fight him when he pulls me back down on his lap as we start to eat.

I sit there, on his knee, tired and drained but determined for him not to go yet so I turn my attention away from him and to my food.

I reach for the chop sticks whilst he uses a fork and I laugh at him.

"Why can't you?" I ask.

"Why would you when this is so much easier?" He says quietly and I pick a piece of chicken out of my bowl, using the chop sticks and I turn to him, lifting it up to his lips.

"It's just more fun." I whisper as he takes it, looking up at me, our eyes connected.

He squeezes my hip.

"Why'd you wanna be in control just then?" August asks and I feel the rose begin to burn in my cheeks.

Because he has too much control over me.

I continue to eat and Leo squeezes my side, getting my attention.

"I was thinking." I mumble, then turn to see him better, he holds my legs, gently moving his hand up and down across my skin.

"The only thing I know about sex is from what you teach me." I say quietly.

August let's out a breath, his hand sliding up my thigh distracted.

"I just wanted to like- figure it out on my own. Do it myself. You know?"

He nods, his eyes find mine.

"You wouldn't let me touch-"

"I didn't want you to show me how, I wanted to show you I knew how to."

He smiles softly and leans his head close, dipping and pressing a kiss to my shoulder.

"Plus you annoyed me so-"

He shakes his head, taking another mouthful of the food and I wonder why he wants me here, so close to him.

But then I decide to make an active fucking effort to stop thinking about it.

Apparently, I over think, over romanticise.

Maybe he just knows I have no underwear on so he wants me on his lap.

I move a little, getting comfier and August accommodates, rubbing my thigh softly as he eats with the other hand.

"Luella would kill me if she knew we just did that in the kitchen." I whisper, not looking back at him but I feel him vibrate with amusement under me.

"She would indeed."

"She would especially since she thinks you're seeing someone else."

He laughs. "Why didn't you just say that I was with you?"

"Because she'd know we were doing the dirty and then they'd all be involved again..."

"What's wrong with that again?" August asks quietly, genuinely.

I look over my shoulder and place my sticks down, I'd eaten quite a lot anyway, but I wasn't feeling Chinese food anymore. I was done. I turn to see him properly.

"Why do you think it is?" I ask.

His eyebrows raise. "Because I hurt you, because everyone knows I hurt you and so you know everyone thinks you can do so much better than this, me, us-"

I cover his lips with my hand and watch him, his eyes seem less amused, a little pained and I exhale in a sad little sigh because he wasn't a hundred miles off, a little bit of me feels like I deserve better than falling into the bed of a man who has told me, shown me, that he cannot love me.

But in reality, I know part of me just wants this between us.

"Some things don't need to be shared." I whisper, lifting my hand to his chin and I drop my other one covering his lips. "I want this to just be something for us, is that so wrong of me?"

He shakes his head and slides his hand up my thigh.

"Just us?" He repeats.

I nod. "I like it when it's just us."

"Me too." He says, leaning his forehead against the side of mine and he places a quick kiss on my nose.

I melt into him, pressing my face against his and August's hand is between my thighs, feeling.

He lets out a low sound. "Why didn't you put underwear on?"

I shrugged. "Gathered I'd shower after dinner."

Leo nods, a small smile crawling onto his face. "Can I join?"

Obviously.

Obviously, he joined me.

Obviously again we got carried away, we ended up, wet on my freshly made bed sheets, my hands pinned, utterly at his mercy.

As I liked it.

Whenever he took charge, when he pushed my head down, telling me what he wanted. I liked it and I low key knew I shouldn't, not that I shouldn't, just that other people might not.

But life's too short to pretend that he couldn't reduce me to a writhing mess by just his words, his voice, his commands.

So I just went with it, as we do.

And we fall asleep at some point, but as soon as we wake up, we fall back into each other, as if to make sure the other one knew it was just sex.

Because it was just sex.

Always is.

It always is until we're just chilling, talking, not sleeping-definitely not cuddling- but just together naked and waiting for the other to leave or for me to kick him out.

And whenever it seems like it's been two long, we kiss and then kissing always leads to more, always. It's like we can't help it.

And we don't stop ourselves not until its sun rise and I still don't want him to go.

I look at him, the light slowly moving from black to blue to light blue with the winter sun emerging and he looks out my bedroom window too.

"It's time for me to go-" He starts and I move off the bed, shaking my head a little and trying to find clothes with unsteady legs.

"What are you doing?" August asks, watching me.

"Looking for my jumper-"

"Why are you getting dressed? it's not even six in the morni-"

"I am going to go watch the sunrise, up on the roof."

August sits up in bed, watching me unimpressed.

"You need to sleep."

"Says you." I mumble and pull on my jumper, I look at him. "You coming?"

"To watch the sunrise?"

My eyes roll and he lifts an eyebrow at me. "Yes Leo, obviously. Get dressed?"

August just moves out of bed and searches around for his clothes, his jumper and top are in the kitchen, I walk out to fetch them, and I realise how messy it is out here, my painting still out, our food still just everywhere.

I'll tidy it when we get back.

I get him his stuff and hurry him to dress, I also grab my blanket and force him to hold it.

I just grab keys and then August and I are quietly making our way out of the flat and heading up to the roof, August is quiet, probably tired behind me and I lead the way, tapping in the code and I smile as the fresh air hits us as soon as I open the roof top door.

It was so early, the street below quiet because it was a Sunday and not many people would even be awake right now.

I walk out, heading straight to the edge and I smile, the sun wasn't up yet, not properly but the colour of the sky spoke a whisper of the beauty which was coming, and I turned around in excitement to look at August and he's watching me and I knew immediately.

My stomach dropped at his face, he didn't look okay.

I jogged back over. "Woah, what's wrong?" I ask, bringing my hands to his face and immediately switching back to being a person for him to rely on, speak to, lean on.

The flip was immediate, so long sex buddy and hello the Emersyn that loves this boy more than her own fucking heart.

"August?"

His eyes move away from the empty space and down to me and he turns us around, my back falling against the wall that holds the door and his eyes now only being able to see me and the wall.

"Are you scared of heights?" I ask quietly, confused.

He shakes his head, and he leans his forehead down. "Intrusive thoughts. I just freaked myself out."

"What did you- what were you thinking?"

"When I go somewhere, sometimes I get like- how many ways I can kill myself- like pop into my head. I don't want to think about it, I don't even want to- but it just pops in there."

I frown and tiptoe, pressing myself against him softly and he holds me.

"It's like I have this thing, inside of me, that wants me to do it. Like that encourages me. Like I thought if I could just run, I could just run and jump and that would be it and then I saw your fucking grin and I knew you were probably thinking something so fucking wholesome and I was just thinking about how to fucking kill myself-"

"Shhh." I whisper gently. "You're okay."

"I thought, I can't she is here. Then I was like I can come back later. Then I was like I don't even know the code anymore and then I was like I can just get it from her and then you were in front of me and-"

I hold his head gently between my hands, nodding in acknowledgment to his words.

He sighs and closes his eyes. "I thought it was getting better."

My heart.

"It is." I whisper. "You wouldn't have told me about it if it wasn't August."

He just sighs and leans his head down, his eyes closed as his head rests on mine.

I just resist the urge to kiss him, comfort him that way. I was trying to keep it separate right?

The supportive friend and the friend which gets on her knees when he tells me to.

I sigh, just hugging him and he pulls back. "Alright, where's this sunset then?"

He turns around and I grab his hand, shaking my head and turning him back to me.

"Nuh uh, time to go-"

August shakes his head. "No I got a grasp on it now, you wanted to watch the sunset and so we will wat the sunset."

"Sunrise." I correct carefully and he rolls his eyes.

'I am tired."

I smile. "Me too."

He holds my hand and pulls me over to the edge, and I just watch his face instead on the sky because I was worried.

August gives me a short glare and I look away, then I smile, watching as the sky transcends into a beautiful pink, bright, orange around the edges, the sun's beams poking in and out between buildings.

I look at August, hoping he's seeing it too and our eyes connect, and he gives me a small smile.

"Look at the sky August."

He shakes his head and looks up, his eyes taking it all in and then he looks back down at me.

"I was."

I smile.

"I need to sleep now." I say.

"It'll just get better-" August says- nodding to the sky.

I shake my head. "Other people deserve to see the sky, just them too."

He raises an eyebrow at me and I just yawn, shrugging a little and he chuckles, pulling me to him and I collapse against his chest.

He wraps the blanket around my shoulders, looking down at me.

"Emersyn tell me to leave you alone." He whispers.

I frown, watching the way the light is reflected off the tall building besides us and is hitting the side of his face perfectly, he's practically glowing.

"Tell me to stop reaching for you, to stop texting you, to stop holding your hand."

I feel myself panicking. I don't know what he- I don't want to tell him that.

Not when I feel like this.

This warm from the sun, it's as If it's inside me, as if I am the one beaming out around us right now.

As if I am the one rising.

"Emersyn, tell me and I will do anything you say."

I just stare up at him shocked.

And scared.

I can't do riddles. I am not playing that game.

"Tell me what you mean or let's go back downstairs." I say.

He sighs. "I am tired."

"Me too."

He pulls away from me, and gently takes my hand.

We head back to the door, silence between us.

"You think we should get rid of this no sleepover rule?" He asks, highly amused as I yawn.

"No." I say, rubbing my face. "I like sleeping next to you too much, we need to keep this platonic."

"Baby-"

"Emersyn." I correct sharply.

"Apologies." He laughs. "Emersyn nothing about us is platonic, you had my head between your legs less than an hour ago."

"Yeah platonically..." I mumble.

He laughs and we head down the stairs, careful not to trip over the blanket. "Em we've slept close to each other so many times over the last few months anyway- I just mean I doubt this is going to stop between us and I need sleep and you need sleep-"

"So just leave before the run rises." I say.

He rolls his eyes. "Fine you stubborn woman."

I just smile a little, reaching my floor and August turns to walk with me.

I laugh. "It's time for you to go home bud."

He shakes his head at me amused. "I was going to come and help you clear up- but fine..." He turns around to head down another flight and I face palm, regret filling me. I plead.

"Okay okay, please help me clear up."

He nods, shaking his head at me. "That's what I thought."

"Shut up."

"Careful." He says, placing his hand on my back and guides me down the hall.

"Or what Leo?"

"Or I'll shut you up." He chuckles, pressing his hand into me firmer and I turn my head to him.

"I'll bite."

He pulls a face and shudders. "Bitchy."

I just smile sweetly, and he laughs again, shaking his head down at my face.

We go back home, tidy, have a small lazy kiss and he goes.

And I collapse back in bed. But I agreed to meet Victoria for lunch so I set my alarm for half eleven and I know I am going to die. Like I just know it. I mean with tiredness, don't worry.

Pft. The stress.

Oh well. I'll nap after.

And so yeah. I sleep. For a little bit. I try not to cry in frustration when I need to get up and get going and I contemplate cancelling on her.

But then again I want to be her friend so instead of cancelling I go.

Victoria and I went to this café where you get to have tea and sandwiches and also paint plates and I painted a sunflower again, and it was so fucking cute and honestly today was just really good.

"How are you and your girlfriend?" I ask softly as we both concentrate on our little art project.

She laughs. "Oh. Yeah, we are okay now. I was being dramatic."

I laugh, looking up at her and she sighs heavily as in 'ok then I will tell you'.

"Kendall and I are very like- different. She would never sit here and paint these things because she'd be like babe we can do it at home or like she'd be like let's go rock climbing or some shit that I cannot do, like have you seen me? I can't climb rocks."

I blink at her, the words coming fast at me.

She laughs. "So she sometimes goes on these little mini adventure weekends with her friends- which is fine- like I trust her and all but I just worry she'll find someone better for her I don't know, I just get scared."

I pout.

"But she's with you for a reason."

"Yeah I know." Victoria sighs and waves it off. "Like I said, dramatic and I get worried sometimes so yeah-"

I smile at her and look down, taking a sip of my smoothie.

"How do you know Eli?" Victoria asks and I look up, surprised.

"I thought he'd tell you?"

She shakes her head. "He just said and I quote 'just do' when I asked how he knew you."

I smiled at that, amused. He was trying to be confidential, I guess.

"He's like- my- support worker?" I say, I guess that what he is. "Like my ADHD specialist here at the uni."

Her eyebrows shoot up. "Oh. Oh yeah okay that makes sense."

"What the ADHD?" I laugh.

She smiles back, shaking her head. "No, No, that that is how you would know him. Like as he's on placement."

I nod and add a few finishing touches on my flower, smiling down at it.

It's much better than the other one I did last night, I yawn, goodness I needed a big nap.

"Why are you so tired again?" Victoria asks, smiling at me.

"I just stayed up late." I say and the door opens roughly and Victoria startles, dodging her paintbrush and we both curse, I move my plate to the side with the intention to help her correct the line and instead I see the new comer walking towards us and I immediately know it's Kendall.

I don't know how I knew, okay I guess I do, like she looks like Elijah. Freckles, dark skin, cropped but wavy black hair.

"Victoria." She almost snaps and Tori's eyes widen, and she turns to her.

"Babe?"

"You took my charger, again, I know we have the same phone but seriously, twice in two days? It's not as if you even leave me yours you take both and now my phone is dead and I couldn't even contact you, I had to get Billy to ask you where you were..."

"Oh that's why Billy asked, God I thought he was just being weird again."

Kendall literal whines in stress and Victoria dips into her bag and admittedly pulls out two tangled wires.

Kendall looks at me, then down at our plates and an amused smile takes over her face.

"Emersyn right?"

I smile. "Hi."

"Hi." She laughs and bends down, pressing a kiss on Tori's cheek and she takes the charger.

Tori turns to her, pouting up. "You mad?"

"No V, just tiktok and social media deprived. You go out, leave me at home, meet your new friends and disable my contact to the outside world as well."

"It was an accident."

"Sure." Kendall laughs and she gives me a quick smile. "It was nice meeting you Emersyn, sorry about the- drama- I just my phone is important."

I raise my hands in surrender, smiling back and she squeezes V's shoulder and says a quick goodbye.

And as quick as she came, she was gone again.

I just look at Tori a little shocked and she laughs. "Yeah her energy is exhausting, it's like when she's with her nephew I literally just watch like how on earth do they have matching sugar hypes, like-"

I laugh and look down at the plate, helping her paint over her mistake because why not.