I woke up late, still very tired, but I heard Luella come in and I decided she'd worry if I was still in bed.

I wasn't sure if she would actually worry, to be honest. But well I didn't want her to say anything, plus I really needed to wash and I needed to change the sheets.

I was just laying there, dozing I guess, scrolling through my phone. I was surrounded by his smell, it was like he was still fucking here.

I get up, needing to move away from him.

To get my mind off of him.

It was noon already, but it was a Saturday and all I had to do today was do uni work and probably journal. After changing my bed, I went for a shower and just as I was putting the laundry in the washer, Luella came out of her bedroom.

I sent her a smile, pulling my jumper back up my shoulder, making sure my collar bone was covered.

We had that rule, the no marks rule, but we got a little carried away I guess.

It's hard to remember when you are wrapped up in another person, all the other things that exist outside of that moment.

He was so in control last night.

So-

"Hey." Luella says walking into the kitchen with me and I blink away August images and say good morning.

She laughs, knowing it's afternoon.

"What are you doing today?"

"I am gonna go study at some café, ima just have a look around town for one I think." I tell her.

"Can I come?" Luella asks and I smile, laughing at the weird question.

"Yeah of course."

"Great okay, I'm going to go and do my hair and makeup quickly then." She says and I nod.

I wasn't bothering with that, leggings, a big jumper, clean face and some braids were doing me well enough today.

Luella walks away from me and I call her name. "You wanna ask if T wants to come?"

She shakes her head and I look at her a little surprised.

"We had a fight this morning."

I frown in concern but she quickly shakes her head. "Nah it's fine, I think we are fine now."

"Oh?"

"I'll explain there." She mumbles and I just nod, like she can tell me if she wants to, if she doesn't want to that's fair, not my business sort of thing.

Luella leaves and I bend down to press the washer on.

August was different from other guys.

Whether he just had a hold over me, or whether he really did- have this little bit of magic in him that I can't help but fucking gravitate towards, I was unsure.

But I just- in his words I couldn't help but find desires that I didn't even fucking know I had.

His actions, last night, this morning, that blur of just intense-

"You ready?"

I startle, looking at Luella shocked and she laughs at me, giving me a odd look.

"What's got you all in your head for?"

Boys.

A boy.

I just pull a face. "Nothing."

I remember him telling me once that he was nothing but trouble.

I remember saying that yes he was trouble, but he wasn't nothing.

He was so much more than nothing.

I remember thinking I would give August anything, everything, if he asked for it.

I also knew he wouldn't ask for it.

But then he got sick and started asking for it, for my time, my company, my love.

He asked me to stay, for us to do what we had been doing properly...

He had also fucked three other girls that week.

God.

I pack my stuff from the kitchen table and then I nod, just picking up my bag from last night, I needed to work on that essay still.

And then Luella and I head out, walking through the city and it's cold but the sun is bright, making it warm in the little parts of sunshine you walk through, the slow transition was starting and it was making me really freaking happy.

I summer, I loved winter, but the quiet months in-between are my favourite.

I feel like everyone starts feeling happier as well, when spring comes, easter, regrowth, you see?

That's what my dad says anyway. He likes the spring too. He said that's when him and Mumma fell in love, the spring to summer time, the second time as well. It was those months before they moved, when they were slowly creating a life together, that he hadn't ever been more in love with my mum in that space and time.

But then I see the way he still looks at my mum and I can't imagine him loving her any more than that.

Luella and I find this café, it was just a simple chained coffee shop, it's upstairs big and open in space for us to work.

And as we both settle, Luella with a fancy ass iced Frappuccino with cream and sugar and caramel sauce sort thing, I just had a latte, a sweet latte because I felt like sugar today, we fell into silence, both of us getting on with some work.

I did work for a while, but then I started the weekly planning.

I did this at the start of every week, or well I've been trying to.

I write down everything I have to do in each day.

For example on Wednesday I have an art history lecture, then a practical fine art workshop which brings us up to midday where I either go home and get lunch or I get lunch on campus because I have that meeting with Elijah and everyone at three. Then at five I have dance, with that guy, Ollie and Abbie, you remember from the party? Last week they invited me out with them, dinner then maybe drinks, they said.

And so to remember plans and to be able to see what I have planned every day for the week, I write it all down, colour it in, make it look pretty because it makes me feel happy.

Luella is writing out Psychology notes, watching my colouring in amusement.

I make goals for the week. Affirmations.

I will be present in every moment. I have the power to change my story. Everything I am looking for I can find within myself. I will acknowledge my own self-worth. I will be true to myself and my values. I will keep an open mind and not judge. I choose to be happy and in love with myself and everyone else today. Because I can be fearless and brave. But I can still honour the commitments I made to myself.

"Em."

I look up at Luella and she is biting her nail nervously, I look shocked.

"I dunno whether to tell you this or not, but like if T- I think I'd wanna know. Like obviously it's different because like me and T are together and you and him aren't but-"

My eyes widen, what?

What?

I nod.

"August left last night, like he went to some girls, but like he was gone the whole night."

Oh god.

I laugh.

Like I splutter a laugh because I was worried for a second there.

"Luella you scared me." I groan. "I thought something had happened to him-"

"Oh god." She stresses. "I am sorry I set it up so seriously." Luella leans back on her chair watching me, curiously. "I thought you'd be upset."

Oh.

Um.

What do I do here?

"August can do whatever he likes." I say softly. "We are friends."

"You're not just friends though-"

Pft.

"I guess it's always going to be complicated." I say. "But it's the same way that if I got with someone else he wouldn't be mad about it, so I shouldn't waste my own energy feeling a sorta way about him, and the possibility of him getting with someone else."

I wasn't lying.

Not really.

Like yes, he was with me, yes that's obviously why I am not upset. But would I even be upset? Not really, I would just wanna know who, like I'd want the tea.

Maybe something is wrong with me.

Or maybe I just truly don't have feelings for the guy anymore.

Ha.

Unfortunately, I don't think that's the truth.

I hate myself sometimes honestly.

No, No. We aren't hating on ourselves today. I have every right to feel whatever emotions I feel, I just have to let them not control me.

Even though we all-

Oh god what did she say.

"Huh?" I ask as I notice her expecting eyes.

"I said are you okay?"

Oh. I nod quickly. "I am all good."

Luella phone goes off and she sighs, looking down.

"Trev's never been in love before." Luella says softly as she types out a message.

"Oh?"

"He's like- he doesn't realise that if I get annoyed with him- because honestly Emersyn the boy is sometimes so fucking annoying-" She looks up at me and I nod a little because yeah Trev owns a small part of my heart but he is also a little irritating occasionally... "That I still love him."

I cock my head. She sighs. "Like this morning I was just- in a bit of a mood, Grey's sister is in town and she wants to see me and see Trev and so obviously I am nervous about it because like obviously I'll tell her that I am now with her brother's best freaking friend but like I was nervous and stressed and I started to explain that to T and he was just giving me all these- rationalisations."

I wait for her to continue.

"Like he was explaining to me how she'll be fine, how he would tell her if it made me feel better, how we had nothing to worry about an all that shit but I just wanted a hug yanoe? Not to be managed."

I nod.

Yeah, I get that.

"And so I got annoyed because his niceness just pisses me off sometimes and now he thinks I'm breaking up with him-"

I pout at her, because poor baby T.

"Obviously I am not. But like T doesn't understand that we can fight and be okay because he's never been in a relationship like a proper one before you see?"

I nod at her, smiling because that's stressful but also cute. Like T and her are cute.

"Shall we go see him after?" I ask. "Like let's study, then I dunno, bring him cake or something? Because getting annoyed with his like insecurity is easy, but you could take him something that symbolises hey I still love you even though you are a twat and then he will learn not to be worried and then this might not be an issue again?"

Luella smiles at me a little and nods. "Yeah sure, although, if we go to the flat August might be there."

I nod a little, confused.

"And T will kill me if you start like- a fight with him about the fact he went to see another girl last night-"

"Luella." I laugh. "I won't mention it."

She looks at me confused. "I would."

"Yeah well you are more confrontational than me."

"Plus last time you told him off, for something I still don't really know what happened, the next thing Trev and I heard were your moans so-"

"Luella." I hiss, shushing her and ducking my head. "That wasn't what happened."

"Oh sure." Lue mumbles, shaking her head at me. "Just no disappearing into his bedroom Emmy, he is not, he, like you don't want him to think he can just have you and whoever else it is."

I smile tightly. "Believe me, that won't be happening."

Luella and I sit there and study for another couple of hours, and then we both look up at the time and no words are exchanged to agree that we were done but we end up packing up our stuff and heading out.

We wonder to a bakery and then we quite frankly get a lot of cake and pastries.

They looked so good and they were going cheap because it was late in the afternoon so we literally like cleared them out, filling up two big boxes worth of things.

A little part of me had to rationalise that I had done a lot of exercise, like um last night ha, so it was okay.

That little part of me wasn't pushed away this time, just acknowledged that it was there and I make a mental note of telling Freya about it.

It didn't stop me from eating a chocolate eclair in the elevator ride up to their apartment, I was just vibing to the awkward elevator music and smiling into my pastry, Luella was watching me with an amused smile too.

I shrugged.

She was holding the boxes, I was just happy to be present.

The doors open and I skip out, heading towards their door and I knock before Luella was even beside me. It was August who opened the door and I gave him a smile but tiptoed to see if I could see T behind him.

I look at Leo.

"Hi, where's T?"

August pulls a face and steps aside and I smile when Luella and I see Trev on the sofa, playing XBOX, they had both been playing I guess.

August didn't seem much like a gamer sort of guy, although maybe he did. I wasn't sure.

I look at him. Sometimes I feel like I don't know him, does he even have a favourite colour?

Probably not.

"Trev we come bearing cake and love." Luella says and Trev looks around, sending us both a slightly surprised look but then a smile over takes his face.

"So you do still love me?" He asks and I laugh, looking at Luella and she rolls her eyes.

"It was close."

His face drops and I elbow her.

"I am joking Jesus." She mumbles and turns around, although a smile is crawling onto her face as she places the boxes on the kitchen side.

"Wet man." August mumbles, hitting Trev on the back as he walks past and Trev just shurgs, jogging over to place his hands securely on Luella's waist from behind and he rests his chin on her shoulder, looking into the boxes.

My eyes drift to August's and his are already on mine.

"You have chocolate on your chin." He says, rolling his eyes at me. "Messy."

"Always." I smile and wipe my face, August wakes past me and his eyes are warm, hot even when his lips lift to a smirk.

"Sleep okay Em?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "Yep, perfectly well."

He smiles and walks over to the counter, grabbing a donut and I pratically skip over.

"Who said these were for you, we brought them for Trev." I say, nudging him and Luella and T laugh at August's eye roll, he lifts the donut out of his mouth and pushes it towards mine and it hits my lips and I squirm away from him, going to Luella's side.

"Nasty boy." Luella says and I nod, August just looks happy enough with his donut.

"Are you two staying for a while?" Trev asks and Luella nods, then she looks at me, the question being passed to me.

I shrug. "I have nothing to do anyway."

"We're just being lazy." Trev says. "August has exams Monday to Friday so instead of studying because he's a fucking genius who doesn't even need to study, we are chilling."

August rolls his eyes. "I am tired, I'm going to study tomorrow."

I smile at him, looking down into the box.

I want tea.

I lean over and pick up the kettle.

"Ima make tea, anyone want one?"

Trev laughs, probably at my comfortableness in their apartment, like whatever, but they all actually say yeah, then Luella and Trev walk back over to the sofas as I concentrate on refilling the kettle.

August moves, leaning on the counter besides me, watching my actions as I get some mugs from the cupboard.

He doesn't say anything.

"You know..." I say quietly. "Luella told me about the fact you stayed out last night, coming in early hours of the morning."

August tuts. "That's the issue with Luella always being here, I can't do anything bad without you knowing."

I smile, looking down at the counter and putting tea bags in each cup.

"Nope. You cannot."

A low laugh leaves his lips and his hands moves over and his knuckles connect with my arm, just a touch, I look up at him.

"What did you tell her?" He asks.

"Nothing. Just that you can do anything that you wanna do. That it wasn't my business if you stayed out until the early morning."

August laughs again. "And she believed you?"

"Well it's the truth." I say carefully. "You can do anything you wanna do."

"Well that's not precisely true now is it?" His voice was deep, low and I look up at him at the change of tone and his eyes are concentrated on my lips not my eyes.

I look away. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing." He says easily, he pushes himself off the counter and goes to get some milk out the fridge, he comes back and moves his lips close to my ear, handing me the milk. "I can't keep my head away from you Em."

I close my eyes momentarily and reach for the boiled kettle.

"What do you mean?"

"Just I keep thinking about you, last night, us."

A small smile lifts to my lips. "It's weird that you think about us." I say.

He scoffs. "What?"

I look up at him, both of our voices are really quiet. "Dunno, I just don't ever imagine someone thinking about me, like I feel like if I am not present in the room that I don't exist to someone. I don't know if that makes sense-"

He smiles at me. "That might be an ADHD thing actually."

My head cocks, surprised, that wasn't the direction I thought this was going to go.

"What?"

"Well um, so I was reading up-"

I blink at him, my heart, weird feeling. He was reading up on ADHD?

"People with ADHD apparently, I don't know, they don't have very good object permanence."

I just make the tea and listen to him.

"Object permanence is like when you don't see something, you still know it exists. People with ADHD are apparently bad at that. Like you have it, you know objects exist when you can't see them but it's sort of strained, you rely so heavily on a visual tracking field that when you don't see someone, sometimes you don't necessarily think about them and it sort of works as if you don't know they exist."

Is that why I am bad at checking up on people?

I look at him.

"So like you think everyone else has that too, but we don't. We think about you."

I smile, just a little, looking up at him. "You read up about-'

His face drops, rolling his eyes and I laugh because it's like he was embarrassed. I watch this new expression on his face, something I haven't really seen before and I laugh louder and this draws Luella's and Trev's attention.

I step a little away from the guy and then I stir everyone's tea, telling August to help me carry them over.

"What were you two talking about?" Lue asks.

I look at August, raising an eyebrow.

He shakes his head at me and looks to Luella and Trev, placing their mugs down on the coffee table and I hand his to him, then I sit in his seat, to which he scoffs and sits down on the floor besides the chair.

"Object permeance. And how Emersyn is bad at it."

Luella laughs. "True."

I look at her surprised. She smiles. "I noticed like- before you even got the ADHD diagnosis, but like it makes sense now."

"It does?" I ask.

She nods. "Like it's why you love clutter."

My eyebrows raise.

"It's not disorganisation to you-" Lue starts and August tuts.

I nudge his shoulder with my knee and he just shrugs. "You're so messy." He mumbles.

"No she just likes to be able to see everything in her visual field, like you want to see as many of your belongings as you can to remind you that they exist. Like you need to see, that's why I don't get annoyed with your mess, or well your version of a reassuring environment because you know what-"

Trev, August and I are just staring at Luella surprised and she huffs at us all.

"Do you know think I am stupid? I know this shit."

I grin, snuggling up on the arm chair and Trev jumps up and goes and grabs one of the cake boxes and brings it over to the coffee table, and we sit, drinking our tea and picking at really freaking nice cake.