86

"I am sorry to hear you were sick." Elijah says, giving me a small sympathetic smile across the table.

"It's kay." I say, bringing my legs up to get comfy on the armchair. I was feeling so much better, back to uni, back at the flat with Luella.

But feeling better meant being better and that meant this office and Freya's office.

"I wanted to talk to you quickly, before we start what I have planned today."

I nod at him.

He gives me a small smile. "I am comfortable carrying on like this Emersyn, my supervisor said it was fine. But I do know our paths have crossed a few times out of session time and I wondered if that made you uncomfortable?"

I smile guiltily. "Was it the 'this in inappropriate' retorts? Because believe me I was just very drunk that evening."

He laughs a little and shakes his head then nods a little. "It was slightly you telling me that talking to you was inappropriate, yes."

"I am sorry. I was just drunk."

He frowns at me. "There's no apology needed. I am literally just asking if you would prefer Evan?"

I shake my head. "No I prefer to feel comfortable and well you're pretty comfortable." I say. I cringe. "Like the vibe- your energy. Not..."

He makes an amused noise and looks down at the paperwork and I admit I feel a little embarrassed. Ha, great.

Awkward.

He looks up. "You are going to want to hate me after today."

I look at him afraid.

"But I promise it's all for a reason."

"You are scaring me."

He laughs. "You have to do a few computer tests for me, is that okay?"

Immediately I wanna say that that sounded scary. But instead, I know that I need to do this stuff so I nod and he brings out a laptop which was all switched up. "What am I supposed to be doing?" I ask.

"Just read the screen and follow instructions. It'll be okay."

I just look at him apprehensively and then Elijah leans back on his chair and grabs himself his notebook. I look over to him and I read that he's written my name at the top of the page, under it titles, as in test 1, test 2. I just frown at it.

I have to be here; I have to properly try and get myself centred because my mum and dad almost chained me up and refused to let me back to uni. They-

"Emersyn you have to pay attention to the screen." He says gently and I gasp, looking at it. I already missed the instructions.

He starts it again for me. But he writes that down.

I just try very hard. And for the next half an hour my brain is fried with these things I have to do, like silly miss match colour to word things and just shit like that.

He writes down my scores as we go and once we were done he looks at me.

"How was that?"

"Hard. My scores are probably shit. I don't even know what-"

He smiles. "They aren't too low."

"No?"

"No. You're interesting." He says and I look at him wearily, he rolls his eyes a little and I laugh at the little flicker of attitude he gives.

"I meant, I haven't worked with someone with untreated ADHD." He says. "I find it interesting because you exhibit clear signs-" he pointed to the top two test scores and explains to me how they indicate time responses of someone with ADHD. "However there are other scores as well where you scored near perfect, it's like you have trained your brain to overcompensate, you know?"

I just nod a little, awkwardly.

He gives me a small smile. "Sorry, that's the student in me Emersyn."

I smile back.

"How has your week been? I mean how was trying to catch up with uni work, do you need any extra-"

I shake my head. "I am pretty much caught up." I say as he has stopped talking.

"Good, I was going to go through with you about the referral I have made to put you on this medication, it'll be very low dosage, but it should help you."

I nod a little.

"Right okay." Elijah says and he starts going through with me who I will have to go and see and stuff like that.

My mum and dad sat me down the other night, or well to be very honest I was snuggled on the couch with lemon and honey tea and they came and joined me, they asked me whether university, right now, was the best idea.

They didn't seem to be trying to get me home or even trying to swallow me with their concerns. And I got it, I spent a week with them a few weeks ago because I was utterly burn out, and then this week they've had to take care of me because I fully was so ill I couldn't hardly walk.

I get their concern.

The thing is, the plan me and mum came up with was really starting to create a routine for me that was helping focus and fill my days with productivity. I was attending weekly meetings with this team at the uni, I was got to art society, literature society, theatre, dance, I was really getting my life back together.

I just happened to get ill.

I convinced them to give me until easter and then we'd properly talk about it all.

I said it to get them off my back but it also comforted me. Like gave me something to work towards. I could prove to my parents I was better, then. You see?

"Emersyn so tomorrow or?" Elijah says and I wince.

I have no idea what he was saying.

I wanted to ask him something really quickly. "Do you prefer to be called Elijah or Eli?"

He gives me a soft smile. "Emersyn would you like me and our team to attend the doctor's appointment in person or would you like me to pass on my notes to him? What I mean is would you like me to set up a team meeting, so it would probably be Evan, me, Freya and then a doctor who would be the one in control of your medication or would you prefer me to send the information on to each of them and then you have individual meetings with each?"

I blink at him.

"I really wasn't listening before." I admit. "I am sorry-"

"No it's totally fine." He says, he looks at me. "I want to create for you access plan. Which would be just a sort of treatment overview. So I would set out an intervention plan to treat your ADHD to try and decrease the burnout feeling. Okay?"

I nod. "You never answered-"

He laughs. "Elijah or Eli is fine, it's up to you."

I smile.

He smiles back and then he looks at me seriously and I concentrate. "So we need to bring all the actors together, what I mean by that is I would like to set up a meeting with everyone in. But of course, if you would prefer-"

"No no a meeting is fine." I say.

"Great okay." He says. "How is uni? You're doing an English degree right?"

I nod. "I am enjoying it, despite the... like issues of recent."

"How are you doing in lectures, with focusing?"

I shrug. "Usually okay."

"There are certain things that I can ask for, for you."

I cock my head at him. "Like what?"

"Like I can get you put on the list where you have access to the lecture after the lecture has been taught. You can revisit them whenever you like."

"How?"

"So all your lecturers should wear microphones around their necks...?" He asks.

I shake my head. "Er, I think my art ones do but my other ones don't-"

He nods. "Okay that'll just mean I will have to email and make them aware that they need to start recording their lectures for you."

I blink. "I don't want- that is a lot of trouble." I say.

"Emersyn you are initialled to the extra help- they can easily do this."

"Okay." I whisper.

"Stop worrying." He smiles at me. "Everyone has a right to education and more so than that everyone has a right to be educated well. That is the point here. For them to record the lectures means nothing to them, but for you it gives you the chance to go over and play back what they are saying over and over again if you like."

"Dunno if I wanna listen to Graham's voice in bed..."

Elijah laughs and I smile to myself because I have I like that I made the boy laugh, it's the inherent- want people to like me thing. "I wasn't suggesting listening to your lecturers voice in bed." He says.

I just smile a little sheepishly. "So I could go back on the bits I missed when I was for example thinking about something else?"

"Yes."

I smile.

He smiles back. "Great. Okay. So what I am going to do is set up a meeting, I was going to do it for tomorrow but since we were talking Freya has added something to the calendar meaning she cannot attend. So how about on Wednesday? Do you have any time?"

I nod and go into my bag and I reach for my journal, I have it all colour coordinated and written nicely down there. I look at Wednesday and see I have my morning full but then my afternoon is pretty bare, apart from the fact I have dance at five.

"I can do anytime between like 1 and 4." I say.

"How about three? It'll give you time to get some lunch and have a break." He asks.

"Okay."

Elijah enters it through typing on the keyboard and he narrows his eyes on the screen reading. He smiles a little.

"So." He says as his eyes flick back to mine.

"Mm?"

"I will see you Wednesday."

"Yes, thank you for seeing me today and pushing it back a week. I really wasn't well last Friday."

"No that's absolutely fine. I am here to make sure you get what you need from us." I nod.

"Um..." I start to pause. "So I'll still be seeing Freya right?" I ask.

He nods.

"For CBT."

"For the eating?" I ask quietly.

"Yes." Elijah's voice was sure.

"Um... I dunno how to put this." I say. "I..." I laugh. "I liked seeing Freya on a Friday because we talked about the silly crap I had gotten myself into in the week before..."

Elijah nods at me.

"But I- I gather we can't really-"

He frowns at me. "Freya will be concentrating on working with you and the faulty cognitions related to your self esteem but she will always be happy to talk to you about whatever you need-"

I nod. "Yeah?" I ask. "I wasn't sure I could still talk-"

"You can talk to her about whatever." He says to me slightly amused. "But you can also use Freya solely for tackling that part of your symptoms. If you need a weekly catch-up session Emersyn, we can always meet every Friday after your session with Freya. You can come here and chill out after what might be slightly triggering sessions. You can tell me about you week, ADHD related or not. As long as we work that into your intervention plan and justify that that has been helping you lately that is perfectly fine."

I look up at him. "I literally tell her things from the fact my shoes don't fit right anymore and it upset me, to the fact I got with an ex and I really shouldn't have."

He smiles a little. "We've all been there. Emersyn that's fine. Having someone in your corner helps. Impulsivity and other behavioural aspects are a part of your diagnosis, you see? If you need help organising the consequences of things, that can be my job."

I nod. "So every Friday after Freya I'll-"

He nods. "Yeah we will sort it all out next Wednesday in the meeting Emersyn. But that can be done."

I smiled. "I wish I had something like this when I was growing up."

He frowns then. "You should have had. Like you've probably been told, ADHD gets missed in girls very often. We are working on it as a field."

I nod and he nods back and I start to collect my stuff.

"Thank you, Eli."

"Emersyn you don't need to thank me."

"My thankyou wasn't out of obligation; it was more of gratitude. I am thankful for the help. I feel really positive today, after talking to you."

"I am glad."

I smile at the guy. "I will see you all Wednesday at three?"

"Yes I'll email you conformation on Tuesday."

"Thanks."

"Have a good day." He says and I turn around, leaving and going on my merry way.

...

It was Friday today, and I was just coming back from a little coffee shop meeting I had. It was with the literature society, it was like this café social, which also was practically a bookstore, but you didn't really buy the books you just got coffee, searched for books and sat around and talked.

It was so warm and it felt so nice in there.

We did this thing where we each found a book, there was about twenty of us in the end, we all found a book and read until we found a beautiful quote. Then we write it down on the chalk board wall that they had and at the end we all sort of talked through them and decided on our favourites.

It was the best fucking thing.

I was in a good mood. Like I felt so warm outside today, which it wasn't. I still needed my jacket and I had tights on under my long-sleeved dress but the sun had shone for what felt like hours longer than it usually did and I just could feel the very beginning of winter slipping away.

Can you tell that spring is my favourite season?

I was heading towards the library, apparently my friends still did the Friday night study sessions at the library. I just haven't been invited recently.

I mean, I missed the invite because I was at home, then it was valentine's day, then I was at home again sick... but still.

They're traitors.

Ha.

Anyway I was heading to the library, my bag pretty light, I just had my book we were studying in controversial lit and a notebook, I was going to use the library books if I needed anything else. I was joining the group later, so I should be able to just slip in, unnoticed hopefully.

I haven't really been seeing much of friends this week.

I have just been focusing on studying and meeting new people in the evenings.

August has exams, he missed his January ones and so they have pushed them back to next week.

So that's what he's been doing.

He's studying like crazy.

Which he probably doesn't even have to do.

But any time I've seen him, he hasn't even looked at me really. His eyes on his laptop or a book.

Which is good. I guess.

I walk into the campus library and give the security a little grin, he nods to me and presses the button to release the little door, I say thanks and then I just dawdle up the stairs to the fifth floor where we usually sit.

I should have taken the lift; I understand this by the fourth floor... I thought a little exercise would be good. But I am just out of breath and tired by the time I finally get to the top floor.

I pull the door open and I like this place a lot. It's a simple floor of a student library, books after books and then just random allotted study areas.

I head to the back where we usually sit on the big round table.

But my legs slow down when I see them all in the distance.

And when I say all I meant all.

Like I might as well turn around to be honest, avoid that interaction.

There were Luella and Trev, looking in the zone, absolutely freaking fine. Then there was Jude. Jude. I love Jude. I wasn't sure if Jude loved me any more but Jude is great... sat next to Jude is Henry.

Henry who had text me last week, to say hello but I was too busy dying that I never replied and now I felt weird replying, so I had been just avoiding thinking about him.

So that's great.

What's even better was that Zoe was placed besides him, and I liked Zoe, I think she's a nice girl. But I am sure she probably doesn't like me.

And then there was some other girl, sat besides Zoe, next to the other problematic person around the table which was Leo.

Of course he was here too.

I sighed.

There was a seat besides August and Luella, that would be me filling the table.

I walk up and I keep my eyes lowered, Luella looks up at me and gives me a smile.

"Ima kill you." I mouth to her.

Her eyes flash in amusement.

A warning would have been nice.

You know what I had gotten? Hey babe, yeah we're here, usual spot come right up.

Bitch.

I pout at her.

Why was August and Henry even sat like together? Like-

Luella just rolls her eyes and I sit down, I look at August and he lifts his eyes to me, he nods in acknowledgment and looks down at his work again.

I just look back at Luella.

"How was your thing?" She whispers.

"My book thing or Elijah?"

"Book?"

"It was so good." I smile, hushing our tones.

"Nerd." She laughs a little and Trev looks up and gives me a small smile.

He nods and then leans to Lue, pressing his lips down on her shoulder and then he looks back to his book and I smile at that, I look at Luella, she looks at me and we both melt together for a second.

Then I just start getting my things out for studying.

Everyone else is pretty silent.

I look up to Henry and I startle a little when I meet his eyes.

He has a slightly burrowed brow. I give him a small smile.

He pauses and then he smiles back and I let out a little sign of relief, and we both get back to focusing.

Well I would have if I wasn't thirsty and I needed to fill my water bottle. I quietly get up and then I see Luella's is empty too so I grab it, she smiles at me and then I skim everyone else's just in case. The only other one who was low was August's, so I reach for it.

"What are you doing?" He whispers almost harshly.

I look at him in surprise. "Would you like your water bottle filled?" I whisper, searching his eyes for something that I was missing.

He's so cold.

He shook his head once, telling me no and I let go of the bottle, I look at him and I openly just pull a face at him.

Like what the hell is your problem Leo?

He looks down.

Well okay.

I stand up and Jude catches my eye. "You going to the fountain?" He asks.

I nod.

He lifts his bottle. "Any chance you could top it up?"

I smile and nod and go to take it, but he pulls his bottle back a little. "Wait. How well are you? You still contagious? Were you ever contagious? I should probably start with saying I hope you're feeling better."

I laugh and stretch forwards, snatching the bottle from him in amusement. "Yes I'm good now thank you."

Henry turns his head. "You were sick?"

"Yeah. Last week." I say. "Todays been like the first day of feeling totally better."

"Sh." Luella complains, and I laugh, holding my hands which were holding three bottles in the air at an attempt of a surrender, I stand properly and start walking away.

I don't know if I was surprised when Henry followed suit, walking after me.

"I didn't know you were sick, I would have-"

"It's okay." I say. "I know you didn't."

"You never replied to me." He says softly and we walk in silence through a pretty full area of students, we head into the room that leads to the bathrooms and the water station. We can properly talk here. He takes the other bottles as I start to fill up Jude's.

"I was just sick."

"So sick that you couldn't reply?"

I look at him, remembering every word August said about it all. I nod.

"Yes Henry. I was slightly busy. I am also not obligated to reply to your messages."

He stares surprised at the side of my head.

"I never said you were Em, please don't be mad at me."

I stay quiet.

"I was hurt." He says. "I said things-"

"That you we're not entitled to say."

"Yes." Henry says quietly. "I apologise."