X

I knock a little aggressively. It was an accident. Like okay I practically pound on his door.

Which was a silly decision because I was met with Trev's almost confrontational face. He sees me and relaxes and then he gives me a look.

"Why the fuck you all pent up for?"

I glower at him and step inside, August and Luella were on the couch. Both were looking at me and my sudden presence in confusion.

I dump my two blankets, my coat, my bag, the sketch book on the floor and they all watch me. I look at August. He sits back slightly.

"A word?"

August presses his lips together and my irritation, which for some reason was bubbling, prickled at his slight amusement.

He was trying to hide it.

But it was fucking there.

"Uh oh." Trev stage whispers and August just nods towards his room and I avoid Luella's eyes, walking straight there and letting myself in.

He follows me in, pressing his door shut and I take my top layer jumper off because I was sweating.

He exhales in slight amusement. "I assume you've over thought and-"

"August shut up."

His eyebrows lift, amusement dancing behind his annoying ass eyes.

"I have not over thought, you know what I've done? Messed up."

He sighs and walks past me, going towards his desk and he perches on it, leaning on the edge and I assume this is a demonstrated action of listening, so I carry on.

"You told me to shut up earlier and that was so unfair."

He goes to talk and I glare.

He blinks and presses his lips back together.

"I messed up August. And I don't mean the part of me that didn't want to go back there with you. I mean that fact that everyone is going to be mad about this."

He looks at me slightly confused.

"And okay, I know what we did is possibly going to fucking ruin things between us. I get that. But damn it, I can't deal with loosing you along with falling out with my family, your family, your brother, his boyfriend, my friends, Luella, Trev,-"

"Emersyn stop." His voice was strict.

"No August. Stop. Stop using that tone with me, I- not right now. Listen to me don't try to control me."

He looks at me puzzled.

"Emersyn no one even knows, nor would they care. Please explain to me how you conjured up that everyone will hate you for sleeping with me because I mean- what?"

I want to pull my hair in frustration because- I just toss him my phone.

"Read the message from Henry."

He catches my phone and unlocks it, staring down at the screen.

"How does Jude know?" Is what August replies, still looking down at the screen.

"I assumed you told Rayne."

He looks up.

"Nope."

Oh.

"I thought you might have told him-"

"You didn't want anyone to know Emersyn, I respect that."

I look down then up again. "August I am mad."

"At me?"

I shrug. "At you, everything, mostly myself. Like I rationalised this, I figured it out and then suddenly Henry is texting me-"

"You must have told him you slept with someone though? Like the wording suggests-"

"He came to the flat and saw your marks all over me. Thank you for that by the fucking way."

He exhales in amusement and I send him a glare. He just looks down at the screen and then tosses the phone to the bed.

"I am confused." He says. "You and that kid weren't together were you?"

I glower. "No. As much as you might dispute this statement August but I am not the one out of the two of us that cheats-"

He looks at me shocked and smirks at my anger. He doesn't take me seriously. "Oh, a rare appearance of-"

"If you say nasty Em I will-"

"You'll what?"

"Murder you." I mutter.

"Well, can you at least wait until I wanna jump of a cliff again? Because right now I am-"

"August please take this seriously." I groan.

He chuckles. "Your death threats?"

"August."

"Alright, fucking hell." He mutters. "Emersyn I don't understand why the kid is so offended. We hooked up, It happens. It happens when there's a history between two people. If you want him then that is all that should matter-"

"I don't want him." I mutter. "But I hurt him."

"Other people's feelings are not your responsibility."

I rub my head in exhaustion. "How does Jude even know?"

He shrugs. "We weren't subtle in entering my room."

I cringe. "We weren't subtle at all."

August tries to reassure me. "But Trev and Lue don't know because well- they haven't said anything and I'd probably be castrated by now if they knew."

I raise an eyebrow. "Now that is a solution."

He pulls a face. "Emersyn."

I sigh. "God I need to tell Luella because otherwise if she hears it from someone else she's going to be so fucking mad at me and I- I don't want to lose anyone else."

He pulls a face. "You wont lose Luella-"

"Ha. Luella really will kill me and you if-"

"Emersyn how the fuck did it get to the point where other people are so involved? If we sleep together, how is that anyone other's business?"

Exactly!

"That is what I've been thinking but it just is August. Like it's not. It shouldn't be and honestly, it's fucking me off that I have to think about other people's reactions like I have enough to like figure out without having to deal with other people's judgements."

I am so frustrated.

"But I don't want to hurt people. I don't want Luella to be angry with me. So I have to fix it But I am so annoyed that I can't just- that- this is our business, yes?"

"Yes." He agrees, his eyes on me, watching as I bubbled with annoyance.

"Then why wouldn't you talk about it earlier with me?"

He just shrugs and I glower because he knows. He knows why he's just being annoying and closed off and here I am practically spilling out over all my edges.

"You are so annoying." I exclaim.

He coughs a little surprised.

"You are. You are because no one's fucking annoyed with you."

"I mean they would be if they knew. Ha, imagine if your dad-"

"Don't go there."

August shuts up.

"Henry was like-" I imitate his deep voice. "I thought you wanted space to work on yourself, not be a hoe. And I was like oh I'm sorry it was a randomer and then JUDE goes and accidently tells Henry it was you and I am so-"

"He said that?"

What?

Oh.

"No I am exaggerating. He said like something about messing around and then he apologised but-"

"Emersyn." He says, centring me with his stern voice and I realise I have been pacing around his room. I pause, turning to look at him.

"Em, what we did last night was stupid because of the history between us. Because although I know we, mess around, we've been doing good as friends lately."

I nod.

I mean yeah.

"But that has nothing to do with anyone else. He's some lad you haven't even properly fucking kissed right?"

"I kissed him."

"He was the one to pull away." August says. "You sorted that out with him I assume, told him you and him were a no?"

I nod slowly.

"Then the way he has you feeling right now is unfair. He has no right to make you feel guilty about the fact he is pissed about this. You didn't betray the fucker, you just slept with someone else. People sleep together. It's a thing. It's a thing that felt good and I know you're-" I am blushing. "Going to blush at that, but I just mean it's not his business. He shouldn't have even asked you- if I saw marks on someone I was interested in, you know what I would think?"

"What?" I whisper.

"Simply, that she isn't available. And I'd respect that."

I swallow a little, looking wide eyed at him.

"He was hurt." I say.

"He has no right to be hurt. And I know you don't understand this but there is an age difference between us and there is more life experience. You are eighteen and you live with your head in a fucking romance novel, I understand you might think he has a right to feel whatever, but he has no right to make you feel shit about what he is feeling."

I just stare at him.

"I know this at 22. He should know it at 21 or however fucking old he is. But I am saying that you are the younger one here and I don't want to patronise you. But I am saying that the way he is acting- red flags- which okay I get is fucking hypocritical. But he can't be this emotionally involved with someone he hasn't even fucking slept with."

I look down.

"Look at me."

Oh god.

I look up.

"Luella will be mad because she helped you through the after math of what I did to you- so she is going to be pissed. Which is sort of fair. But that leads us to the actual issue here. That we are attracted to each other even though I hurt you."

I look down and he lets me, I take a few deep breathes.

"You um, have gotten better at this emotional support thing."

A small laugh leaves his lips.

"I am trying here."

I smile a little. "So what do I do about the Henry thing?"

"Decide if you want to be friends with someone who constantly plays the victim card."

"That's harsh." I say. It's not really like that.

"Is it? Because I could be a lot harsher. I could pay him a visit."

I blink at him. "Alright Mr." I breath. "Calm down."

He just watches me.

Then he locks his eyes with mine and when I say lock I just mean he looks at me, his eyes bright, colourful, and I know there's no way I can look away until he does.

"Rayne won't care. He's not- he enjoys that we are spending time together. For that he is a problem but not an issue right now." August says lowly. "Your parents, my parents, they won't know. So don't worry about that. Your Luella will get over it, your Trev might perhaps lay one on me but I'll deal with that. And anyone else who has an opinion can get fucked."

I nod a little. "I don't want anyone to know."

"People might have just saw us." August says. "I'll deal with it if it comes up."

I wrap my arms around myself.

"So are you still mad at me?" August asks.

I look at him. "How about are you still mad at me?"

He drags a hand down his face. "When was I even mad at you?"

"When you like kicked me out this morning."

"I swear you make this shit up in your head."

"August." I mutter. "That's not nice."

"Don't you remember, I am not the nice guy?"

I sigh. "I don't think there are any nice guys."

"Oh the drama." August laughs, watching me.

I frown. "I am not mad at you. But I- I don't get why-" I sigh. "I am upset that I was used as your body for the night August."

He frowns ever so slightly.

"Just- I was drunk. We both were. But um, you could have slept with any of them last night. It could have been anyone. If I had found Brit or Cal before I had found you last night you would have slept with Jade, or whoever that other girl was. Like I just- it's kinda horrible knowing that you would have slept with any of them and it just happened that I was there."

"Emer-"

"Like I am more than that. I thought we meant more to each other than that."

Something in his eyes changes and a small laughs leaves his lips.

"Emersyn I was not trying to pull last night because I wanted sex."

I look at him confused.

"I wanted you."

I scrunch my face up.

"I wanted you. You know I want you. You know because every time I get drunk, or whenever really, my words and actions tend to slip up and I show you how attracted I am to you."

My eyes are wide.

His are energetic.

"I don't- I don't like complimenting girls. They get attached. But you- you're fucking..." He looks at me, like the whole of me and he sighs. "You have a history of getting attached."

I pull a face. "That is unfair."

"Did I lie?"

I fall silent.

"You loved me. You say it all the time. But shit you know we were attracted to each other before that. Like you are good looking Emersyn, shit I have stood you practically naked in front of that mirror-" He nods to the mirror. "-and explained to you how I see you. You know I am attracted to you. And forgive me for trying to distract myself with someone else Emersyn, you know why we shouldn't have- acted on the way it feels to be close. You know that. But that's the thing. I didn't want sex with anyone. I wanted you. But I couldn't have you, so I was looking for sex-"

I blink. "That's unfair for those girls-"

He pulls a face. "Emersyn those girls knew it was just sex. They were probably looking for a distraction too. This is a thing. I get that you're new to this but people just have casual sex. It feels good."

I feel a funny tug in my stomach at that and I look at him.

"I am just saying that I wasn't using you for sex last night. I would have been using them to distract me from you. And somehow you ended up in my bed, despite us knowing better."

"You articulate yourself well." I breathe.

"And you say shit like that when you feel awkward."

I laugh a little at that. He looks at me. "I am sorry for thinking you are fit Em, I understand it's become a problem."

"You shouldn't say that." I say.

"I know."

"I just mean... I am not going to compliment you back."

He smirks a little at that. "Good."

I walk around, my legs hurting from all this pacing. I sit on the edge of the bed opposite him. "Good?"

"I prefer it when you're scolding me. It's hard to concentrate. But I enjoy it."

I blink at that.

"You never- you said- you never thought I was that pretty before."

He pulls a face. "Emersyn you've always been beautiful."

I let out a staggered breath. I can't deal with people complimenting me, but August, August doesn't-

I don't trust him.

That's the thing here.

"I don't like it when you- I worry you aren't okay August. When you surprise me, I get this feeling in my stomach and it feels like butterflies but they're red and they're flags and they're trying to tell me you aren't okay."

He looks confused. "Why? What?"

"Because you are saying this, calling me beautiful, saying you're attracted to me. I know it's not the same. I know you don't mean you feel more than that. But it worries me, it reminds me of the summer."

He lets out a pained noise. Like that hurt him.

I look up at him.

"Em I am fine. I promise."

"I just- I- tell me right now where your head is at."

"My head?"

"Your mental health."

He moves and I hold my breath when he comes and he crouches down, pressing a hand to my knee and he looks up at me, meeting my eyes directly.

"I am okay. I think. I am doing everything I am supposed to be. Just- excluding this blip."

"You- do you think this is a set back?"

"Well seeing as my psychiatrist literally told me not to go there with you, I assume he won't be impressed."

I swallow. "They know my name?"

He blinks at me. "Yes they know your name."

He says it as if I am stupid.

"They do?"

"I talk about you."

I let out a stressed breath. "What?"

He blinks at me. "I can't exactly share with your father that the way you make me feel is confusing and weird."

My heart isn't okay.

"What do you mean?"

"Look, I don't know how to explain this." He says and then he just sighs and he moves onto his knees in front of me. He brings his hand up and presses it to my cheek.

I take a sharp intake of breath, feeling as the touch send shock through me. The warmth, the-

"You feel it too yes?"

I blush.

"I'll take that as a yes." August mutters, watching my cheeks redden. He moves closer, and his hand slides down, placing itself on my thigh. He whispers. "That attraction? The way it feels? The energy? It- shit Emersyn it drives me insane and I know that's a stupid fucking thing to say seeing as I am literally insane-"

"Occasionally." I correct.

He scoffs a laugh. "Occasionally." He agrees. "The attraction I feel to you, it makes me feel alive. And for a few months there I was edging on feeling nothing. I didn't feel anything. I felt panic, at the fact I felt nothing and I felt the need to stop living. But that is all. I didn't feel amused, or mad, or excited and I for sure didn't feel attraction. So it's a new ish feeling. It's a feeling that went so weird in the summer and so I feel so stressed whenever I find myself looking at you like that. Because I know I shouldn't. But I do. And I am appreciative of it in a fucked-up way. Like I prefer to feel-"

I breathe a sigh of annoyance.

"Great."

He stops talking.

"Great August. Just great."

"I don't-"

"Now I am going to feel like when you act all- you- that I can't say stop because it's just you feeling alive. Don't you get that? That's how my brain works."

He pauses, his hands on my thighs.

"Emersyn I am not going to act on my attraction to you again."

"Oh sure." I mutter. "Your hands are burning holes in my fucking leggings."

I just mean it's hot, where he's touching.

"Em-" He lifts his hands off, watching me.

"No August." I interrupt. "You can't just say this shit to me. I just- you are utterly thoughtless sometimes. You are so smart. I know you are smart. But sometimes you are just an idiot-"

He leans back, watching me, amused.

"Don't look at me like that!" I exclaim.

He chuckles and cocks his head. "Like what?"

"Like you find me funny. I am serious."

"Emersyn we both know that if you said no to me that I would stop immediately."

"But I don't want to have to say no to you! We are friends. We- I am not even fucking attractive August. You need to get a grip and get over it."

He chuckles and I admit that was harsh. I would apologise but I think he knows I am just- spilling shit.

"You need to calm down."

"No I need to get away from boys who don't know me."

He laughs. "Why don't I know you now?"

"Because you- stop looking at me like that!"

His eyes were dangerous, mischievous even and it was making me flustered.

He moved closer to me.

"You wanna seriously continue to tell me off?" August asks.

I stare down at him and I bubble. "Yes. What the hell is that tone?"

"Tell me to stop." August says.

He undoes the laces on my shoes.

"You have no respect for me, or the fact that I was doing so good at moving on from you. Shit for fuck sake, I was doing so well."

"You're still doing so well." He says and he goes to the other foot, untying and taking off my shoe.

"No. I was adamant that our lives would just not cross again, like-"

"You moved into my building." He says and his hand attaches itself along my ankle and he just grazes it lightly, pulling my sock down.

I am a fucking idiot.

"You make me feel like such a fucking idiot. That is why people would be so frustrated with me if they found out I gave in to you because they'd think she's so stupid, letting that boy use her."

"Em you were the one to dare me. You wanted me last night."

"I- I wanted to use you." I say sulkily. Annoyed. He had me there.