"Emersyn?" Elijah asks, looking between my mum and I and I realise I had properly zoned out.

I smile a little. Oopsies.

"I am sorry." I say. "I was distracted."

"What were you thinking about?" He asks.

"Painting you." I blurt and then my mum laughs loudly and I curse. "Oh god." I mutter.

My mum nudges my shoulder. "Don't worry, I thought the same."

I look at her slightly amused and we face Elijah again.

He looks slightly concerned.

"Sorry Mr Eaton." My mum says gently. "We are a, um, arty family. We get lost sometimes. What were you saying?"

Elijah was the same beautiful Elijah that Luella knows, studies with. He was on his placement year and was working at the university. We both looked at each other a little shocked, knowing we had like spent a brief moment socialising together and so when he realised how he recognised me he asked whether I'd like to reschedule to see his supervisor.

I just shook my head. And he called in with his boss I guess, to make sure it was okay.

And then we were here so I guess it was.

"So to be diagnosed with ADHD as an adult you need to have at least five or more symptoms of inattentiveness or five or more of hyperactivity and impulsiveness listed in the ADHD symptoms present in children."

I nod a little and then flick my shoes off, pulling my legs up to get comfier and more I don't know protected. He watches me.

Elijah was young, but he felt very professional. His skin was dark, darker than the boys and I know that when mum saw him she was wandering in awe. He also had dark freckles as well, that's what was sort of so beautiful about the guy, like he reminded me of my day where I couldn't stop finding connected with nature and the human being.

I just thought he was pretty to be honest.

"But you see, these symptoms need to be present from childhood and therefore I am going to talk to your mum directly for a few minutes okay Emersyn? I am not ignoring your voice, but just for memory recall."

I just nod.

And I admit I zone out.

Then I feel their eyes on me and I wince.

"Pardon?" I ask.

"I am just asking whether you feel like your symptoms, as in the impulsiveness, the disorganisation and excessive activity or restlessness affect your life greatly?" Elijah asks.

I just shrug.

"How so?"

"Okay so maybe underachieving at work or in education?"

"I don't underachieve." I say. "I got here. I struggled but like- I don't underachieve."

My mum rests her hand on mine. "I have been thinking about how you may have not struggled so much if we caught this, so like, you did do incredibly well at school, but imagine how well you would have done if you didn't struggle so much."

I just fall silent and look at Elijah and he takes my mum's words as an answer.

"Now about your personal life. Difficulty making or keeping friends? Or difficulty in relationships with partners."

I shake my head slowly. "I don't think it impacts... I mean, maybe? I only really had my friend Rayne up until last summer."

"So just one friends?"

"Like I had lots of I don't know, friends, that were... I make friends easily. I just don't really connect with people often or like I just- I like everyone sort of thing so I just-"

My mum looks at me. "Can I try to explain?"

I nod. Sure.

"My daughter has always been popular in the sense that she can charm someone into liking her after seconds of talking. But she gets bored. Not bored. Just her attention span is short. So she makes a friend, then moves on. She doesn't necessarily take the time to nurture a friendship. That's why her and Rayne have been friends for so long. Because you've spent so much time with him. And the same with Luella, you spent so much time with her."

I just nod a little.

I guess so? I really am rubbish at being a friend sometimes. Like I would fully jump in front of a bus for someone who I loved but I sometimes feel so busy on the inside that I forget to do the basics like engage in a causal conversation.

"Okay." Elijah says. "That makes sense."

"How about your romantic relationships Emersyn?"

Ha. Golly. I think I messed them all up last night being insecure and impulsive and weird.

I really had some apologising and rebuilding and stuff to do. I knew that.

I um, every time I zone out today I think more about it all.

I was clearly just a mess last night. But to less of a hater on myself I did have a slightly complicated day.

Like- Half diagnosed with ADHD, then swimming with Leo, then awkward conversation with Henry and Zoe, then a literal accidental romantic outing with August and then harsh conversation with parents like- hi so I have ADHD apparently that's why I be so messy and then August came round and we had such a good time and it's so confusing and then Henry came round and we had a good time too but he like tackled the zoe thing and then I felt bad because he said he wasn't looking at zoe because of me and so I decided to kiss him and then things got complicated and I was a utter bitch and then I called-

Honestly I just- today is a new day.

"Em?" My mum says and I look at them both apologetically.

God I really can't stop my head from spinning.

We talk a bit and I share a little about like my relationships and we all agree that the ADHD might be impacting them a little but he said that the main aim is to stop the ADHD from negatively impacting my situations.

So I just nodded with everything he said.

We got into the eating topic and he immediately picked up on how I wasn't comfortable talking about it.

He's suggesting the CBT with Freya, so that's good. I like her and I am comfortable talking to her now.

He also said that he would write a referral for some medication to start me on, on a really low dosage and just to trial and error what would work.

My mum doesn't look totally comfortable with that but he explains to her how they prefer to steadily increase it rather than hit with a high dosage because that can be really dangerous.

I am honestly clueless.

I just nod and try and take in as much information as I can.

And then my mum drives me to the support group and she tells me how proud she is of me.

But I honestly don't really know what for. Maybe for taking this all seriously. In the summer I really didn't care.

And to be honest in the summer I was happier. I was living with my head in the clouds. But I did genuinely feel brighter. I miss that.

I am joking I am happy now. I am just stressed. I guess. I don't know. I feel a mess right now and I never really used to acknowledge that. So although it feels like uncomfortable, I know this is good.

I think. Right?

The group was fine. I felt weird going today because I hadn't been struggling with food this week.

But then again, the thing I'm learning is that just because I eat the three meals and the snacks, it doesn't mean I am fine. Like I still don't necessarily want to do that. Like I would prefer to just- not.

Which I thought was very strange. But when I said this. Apparently literally everyone understood.

So that made me feel better.

I was now blasting music into my ears as I walked back towards home. Or well, I was going towards Henry's if I was honest.

He hasn't text me today.

The only person who has messaged me is Luella telling me that she is bored and therefore going through my clothes to find something hot for her to wear.

I just ignored her message because well she would have found something by now and it's been three hours since she originally sent it.

I am going to Henry's to apologise.

Because I know I was in the wrong. I was in the wrong for kissing him and I was in the wrong for making him feel guilty about my own actions.

That's not okay.

I don't even know where I learnt to do that. I don't think I meant to, but I do realise that I totally sort of manipulated that situation. Like he was upset with me and then I got upset and he totally over brushed his upset and tried to fix mine.

Which is why Henry is such a good fucking person and why he doesn't deserve me messing with him.

I knock on the door.

This seems to happen a lot. I will just be thinking and then suddenly I am here, and unprepared. Like I didn't even really take in the fact I was walking up the stairs to his place.

I probably should have rang him to see if he was in. I think this, then the door swings open and Henry pauses.

"Oh." He says, looking at me shocked. "I thought you were pizza."

I smile a little and shake my head. "No just me."

"Err..." Henry makes an awkward sound and I flick my eyes behind him and I catch on to the fact he has people round. Like Jude is just chilling on the couch, Zoe by Jude's feet and two other people I do not recognise.

I smile at Jude and then look back up to Henry. "So I should have called."

He looks so awkward. "I am sorry Emersyn, you can come in if you want...?"

"You wanna go for a quick walk?" I ask. "Literally like five minutes of your time. I just came to apologise."

"You have nothing to apologise for." He says immediately and I cringe because that's really not true.

He grabs his coat off the hook and I like step out of sight from the people who were all watching us.

Awkward.

At least Henry and Zoe are good I guess. Like that they are fine after yesterday.

Henry says something to them and he steps out of the flat, pulling the door shut behind him.

"It's actually pretty warm today." I say. "I was sweating on my way over here."

He smiles a little and doesn't put his coat on, just follows me as we head out of his apartment complex.

"I was probably also sweating because I feel really bad about what happened last night."

"Emersyn." Henry sighs and I smile a little at the ground as we walk.

"I am really sorry." I say.

"It's oka-"

"Henry I don't mean to interrupt you but I'm here to like explain why I am sorry and I am trying to prove to you that I recognise I was a bad to you last night."

He frowns at me.

I just smile at how he's letting me speak. "I was overwhelmed, which is a silly thing to say I know but it makes a lot of sense in my head."

I felt like I had to prove to him that I was worth it. Like he said that's why he wasn't looking at Zoe and that is so much pressure.

But he didn't mean it like that.

And I certainty shouldn't have kissed him because of some innate pressure I felt that wasn't even connected to him.

Or maybe it did come from him, but like, I have to take responsibility for my own actions.

"But I am just here to say I know you don't just kiss people. I do. I know you. I know that you don't do causal things and I am so sorry that I was caught up in my own drama that I forgot that it was you and me.. Like I don't know. I felt like we should kiss and so I kissed you. And I am so sorry for that because like- I know that is not what you wanted from me and I am sorry that I kissed you with the knowledge that you have feelings for me. I know it is so unfair that I did that after telling you multiple times that I don't want to be more than friends."

That was a ramble. But apologises do just tumble out sometimes. But I really did mean it.

"Emersyn I very much wanted to kiss you." He says.

I look down.

I know. I know. I just shouldn't have when I am not ready to commit to what a kiss means for this boy.

"But I only want that if you want to do this properly." He continued.

I nod. "I know." I say. "And you know I am not in the place for that. So I am so sorry and I am really thankful you stopped me."

He nudges his shoulder into mine. "I am sorry I upset you Em-"

"No. No. Don't apologise for my emotions. Like I had all sort of faulty cognitions about the situation. In black and white, I kissed you and I should have respected that it is not in your nature to just kiss girls you are not properly seeing and I also shouldn't have kissed you when I don't.. like I am just sorry. I promise I will stop being confusing and nasty."

"Em, If you hadn't had been so clear with me that you don't want to date, I wouldn't have been like that. But you have made it clear and I am thankful for your clarity."

"And I was a little unclear last night."

"Just a little." He smiles. "But it's good. Like we are okay now right?"

"It's up to you Henry. I really am sorry for being a mess."

"Don't apologise." He says. "No we are good, friends right?"

"Yeah." I say. "Like honestly this time. I um, I really do mean it. I will stop fucking you around because I know it's so unfair. Like I am going to block out the romance side of my brain that wants boys okay?"

He laughs and nods. "Okay."

"Okay well I am going to go now because I have more apologising to do."

He looks surprised. "Oh God."

"Woah don't curse." I say.

He laughs and we stop walking, him about to turn back.

"Are you going to August's party? Rayne invited Jude and I."

Seriously? Really they got an invite and I didn't? Em we being grown today, you need to chil.

I nod.

"Are you?"

"No, I am just going to have a quiet night. Like with people here." He says.

"I probably wont stay long to be honest." I tell him.

Henry nods. "Okay, text me if you need me."

I just nod and then he gives me a smile and turns around, saying a goodbye.

Goodbyes are awkward, they are. Even when it's someone I'm a hundred percent comfortable with I always don't really know what to say.

Anyway I wave and turn around quickly, heading home and I find myself in the elevator at home pressing August's floor before I can think about it.

May as well apologise.

He's apologised to me enough.

It wasn't long before I was outside and I was thinking over what I needed to apologise for.

Just being the toxic one. It's funny. It's like we take turns. To not be okay. I felt okay today. After everything. I don't know. I just over reacted big time last night.

I knocked on August's door and it was T who answered.

He looked at me slightly confused. "Hey doll."

"You give me a new name every time I see you Trev, do you know my real name?"

"Blue?"

"Ha." I say and then I look over his shoulder, stepping on my tip toes. "Is he in?"

"You'll have to be more specific."

I look at him confused. "Why are you on my ass? You know who I meant."

He just smirks a little amused and nods, opening the door more and allowing me to come in.

"You know your way around." He says.

"Yeah thanks." I say, rolling my eyes a little at his saltiness and then I pause before I knock on August's door.

I turn around to see Trev sitting back down on the couch.

"T?"

He looks over his shoulder at me.

"Mm?"

"Love you."

He looks shocked. "Oh. Love you too. You okay?"

"Yeah. I am sorry I disturbed you and Luella last night and thank you so much for coming up stairs and keeping me company. And for the hug and just- you're a really comforting presence to be around so thank you."

He blinks at me.

"Em... are you okay?"

I nod. "Yeah I am good."

"I just- that scarily sounded like a goodbye."

My eyes widen at him. Oh goodness.

"No no, I just really appreciate you."

He nods slowly.

"And just by the way... Luella adores you. As in loves you loves you. Don't ever worry about that."

With the talking outside August's bedroom, he must have heard because I feel him open up the door behind me and Trev's eyes flicker to his.

Then they go back to me.

"She's never said it." He says.

I look at him shocked then I smile a little. "She's just a secret keeper. She's said it to me. Which is a secret so don't you dare tell her I told you that."

Trevor's eyes are so much lighter than before and I smile at that.

Then I turn around to August.

His eyebrows are furrowed.

"What do you want?" He asks, his tone light, amused but slightly serious.

I nod to his bedroom and he just steps aside, letting me in and I smile at the fact he was just doing work.

Bloody brainiac.

I look at August. "How was your quiz?"

"Easy." He says and looks at me seriously. I just plant myself on the edge of his bed.

I smile.

"You're in a weird mood." He announces and I laugh.

"No I am just awkward." I share. "I came here to apologise."

He looks confused.

"About what?"

Well I could say I am sorry for like the needy call, that was embarrassing. But I am also lowkey peeved he hasn't invited me to his party tonight. I am unsure whether to come now. Like he clearly doesn't want me here for a reason.

And I am not stupid. Like-

"Emersyn."

"God sorry." I say quickly, realising I paused for way too long. "I am happy for you, like your test."

He nods.

"What is up?"

"Okay so I am sorry about calling you last night all weird and needy and I am sorry I guilt tripped you to come up and see me. I totally didn't mean to. I get like these little insecure moments but I truly don't hold anything you said to me that morning to be the truth- you also said I was trying to kill you and well obviously I wasn't so I don't believe what you said was true and I swear I didn't mean to make you feel bad about it again-"

"Breathe." He reminds me, almost harshly.

I smile. I was fine I just talk quick when I'm uncomfortable.

"Anyway I came here to say I am sorry for that. That I keep bringing up stuff that you did when you were unwell as a way to make you feel bad and to get my way. I swear, I don't , I don't actively think that is what I am doing when I do it."

"I know you don't. I didn't even- I don't think about it that way."

"Well I do." I say. "I have. I've basically been thinking about this all day. So yeah, I am sorry and I really hope you can forgive me because I feel bad that you came and like put me to sleep when I was pretty awful and manipulative."

"Emersyn I don't think you have an manipulative bone in your body."

"No I do." I say. "I am taking responsibility August, I am just sorry that you came up when I know you were studying."

"It's okay." He says. "I wouldn't have come up if it wasn't free to do so. You don't have that much of a hold over me." He chuckles.

I just give him a small tight-lipped smile.

"Anyway yeah. So like are you mad about anything else?" I ask.

"I wasn't mad with you in the first place."

"Well- I just- I wanted you to know that I value our friendship and also um... thank you for not coming up stairs when I asked. Like thank you for getting Luella and not- you know..."

He nods. "Emersyn I know we mess around but I do actually care about you, I'd never do that to you when you've literally said no to me like a hundred times now."

"I've said no like three times."