"You brought a teddy?" I ask, my eyes wide as Henry walks into the flat.

I go to reach for it and he lifts it above his head in panic.

"No, no, wait."

I raise an eyebrow, pouting a little at the bright red fluffy bear above our heads.

"I found it on the street, it may be diseased."

I snort, giving him an odd look.

He gives me an awkward smile. "So I just-" He lifts his bag. "I brought snacks and shit and so I went down Kin's alley to get to yours and this bear was just sitting on the wall, like opposite where I lit my cigarette and when I saw it, it made me smile. Then I just felt weird leaving it so I took it."

"You just stole someone's bear..."

"No... Like it was on its own." Henry says.

I laugh and take it from him. "We shall give him a bath."

"Ima wash my hands." Henry says and I nod over to the sink. He takes the washing up out of the sink and places it on the side, pushing it to the corner. Out of site out of mind huh.

"You had pancakes then?" Henry asks.

"Yup, I had Nutella and strawberries."

He sends a smile over his shoulder. "Sounds good. Did you two spend the whole day together?"

I look down at the bear, inspecting the football sized soft animal in my hands, it was so cute.

But probably dirty. It needed to be cleansed.

Oh Henry asked- "No not really. Just lunch and then he came up like for an hour if that."

I walk towards him and Henry takes out the washing up bowl.

"In here or the actual bath?" He asks.

"Here's fine." I say, plugging in the plug and filling the sink up with warm water. I find some carpet cleaner and also some laundry detergent and decide I am sure that'll work. So I throw it in the water and then together we watch as Mr Poppy slowly submerges into the bubbles.

"I like that you never questioned it." Henry chuckles.

"You knew I wouldn't." I say gently and then I look at him. "Hi."

He looks down and nudges his shoulder into mine. "Hey you."

"I was mad at you earlier."

He smiles sheepishly. "I know. It was stressful."

I just shrug and start massaging the water into the bear's coat.

"Are you still mad?"

"Have you talked to Zoe?"

"Nope."

"Then yes."

He breathes a laugh and aays a quiet sorry. "Em I am sorry. I know you think I'm being an asshole, I just honestly don't know what to do. Like how do I not hurt her?"

"You are hurting her already." I say honestly.

Henry lets out a weird noise. "Em, girls don't like me. I don't- are you sure? Like okay. I know she's been a bit like clingy lately but she has fallen out with Cassidy, another reason why I don't wanna like- upset her right now."

"Henry." I sigh.

He sighs too. "Plus um, I tried."

"You tried?" I ask.

"But the words literally would not leave my mouth. I know you think I'm shy with you, but like I- it's a hella lot easier saying to you how I feel that it is to Zoe."

I turn to him. "Why?" I ask.

"Because with you, I know that I am just letting you know how I feel. But with her I am like hurting her."

I lean against him a little, just trying to give him some reassurance as my hands were still washing the bear.

"You just need to get the conversation going and see how it goes."

He lets out a breath. "You wanna help me? I know you're going to think I'm an asshole to like text her. But it's not as if anything's even happened with us, or that we're together. Like I feel like it's okay to text about it right? Plus it wont be face to face with might make it less awkward and like embarrassing."

"Henry I dunno-"

"Please help me." He says with pure need and I laugh, I didn't mean to. But he sounded so desperate.

"I don't know-"

"We can watch glee. Or paint, or whatever it is that you wanna do..."

I just smile at him and then lift the bear out of the water, Henry takes it from me and rings it out, squeezing all the water out.

"Where should we put him to dry?"

"Er... radiator?"

Henry just heads to the radiator by the door and placed Mr Poppy down in front of it.

He looks at me.

"What should I text her Em?"

I sigh. I guess I can help him. "Just say hi, get her attention."

"Okay." Henry says and then he removes his shoes, his jumper and I smile slightly at how comfortable he is here, he falls down on the sofa.

"Where's Lue?" He asks.

"Downstairs with Trev..."

"Oh right, it is Valentine's day."

"Mhm." I hum.

Henry lifts his head over the back of the sofa to see me. "Your valentines gift can be the bear, she-"

"It's a he. Mr Poppy."

His lips part, then he smiles and nods. "He came to us second hand, but we rescued him off the streets, adopted him and have taken care of him. I feel like it's a fine gift."

I smile and nod. "Okay..."

He cocks his head at me. "Are you okay?"

"Mhm."

He beckons me over and I just turn the kitchen light off and then go sit next to him, tucking my legs under me and pressing the tv on. I wanted to watch Doctor Who; he had gotten me into it. I just put it on and reach for the blanket.

"I am sorry for asking to come round so late." Henry says. "I just felt like leaving this day with you mad at me would be a really shitty thing to do."

I just shrug. "I wasn't that mad, just like frustrated and like- I feel really bad for Zoe and so when I came to yous and it was so awkward I just-"

"I am sorry if I was weird." He says.

I shake my head. "I think it was me."

Henry smiles a little, running his hand through his shaggy hair and I just look at him.

I feel so calm, so warm when I am in his presence. Like this boy wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me. But I just feel uncomfortable about things, everything. I don't know.

"Emersyn I um, I saw you two today." He says quietly. I look at him a little wide eyed.

"And I am not here because I am like trying to compete or whatever. I understand who he is in your life. You literally took care of him a couple of weeks ago, I understand whole heartedly that you love him and still care. And I also know that you've been stressed lately... and if it's to do with him, me, or like any feelings you have... you can talk to me about them. Like I am your friend you know?"

I look at him shocked.

He is so good.

"You'd be okay if I talked to you about feelings I had about other guys..?"

"I-" He shrugs. "We're friends. Like- I care about you. As in you as a person. I am not here because I want anything from you, I just want you to be happy and If you needed to talk about something that yeah okay probably would make me like a little like deflated, I wouldn't actually be like awkward or uncomfortable... I am just I don't know, trying to say that it's okay, you know, if the reason why you're so unsure with me is because of him."

I just look down, it's not... I think Henry is wanting me to have a conversation I am not yet ready to have. Or think about.

"We can talk about the same thing." I say to him. Taking a deep breath and pushing it away. "If um, you were confused about the Zoe thing. I would happily help you talk it through."

He searches my eyes and then I look at him shocked when he lifts his arm to ask me to come into his side.

We just sit up a little and he wraps an arm around me. I struggle to get comfy into his side for a few moments and then realise it was because I was tense, I focus on chilling out and then I just snuggle in.

"I was um, surprised when you said the first thing about Zoe. Like I thought you might just be picking up on things that weren't there and then well like I looked for myself I guess." Henry says.

"And you realise she's like enamoured by you."

He laughs a little. "She's not-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Henry brings his phone up and we both read the message from Zoe that says hello back.

I look up at him. "Zoe's really pretty." I say. "And she's like utterly similar to you and she knows you so well and you two have been close for years..."

"Your point?" He asks.

"I don't understand how you can't like her back." I say honestly. "Like it just doesn't make sense."

He's silent for a little bit. "Honestly?" He starts. "I used to like her. Like years ago. Years and years ago and then like she got a boyfriend, so I got over it and she only just became single again. Or well it's probably been like a year now but like- I just don't see her like that anymore."

"You should just say that." I say gently. "Like literally just say the truth."

Henry moves so he can type and I am caged between his arms, looking at the screen too.

I feel bad that I am reading it, but she won't know. And I am just here to help Henry communicate.

I watch him type

God I do feel bad, I pull my legs up and snuggle in, Henry wraps himself close to me too as he types.

Zoe takes a while to reply and I can literally feel Henry's blood pressure rising.

He looked at me before he sent it, I think I could have worded it nicer, but he really needed to be the one writing this so I just nodded.

He sent it.

"I feel terrible."

"Why?" I ask honestly. "Like- okay so hear me out. Obviously, it's a bit different with us because I do like you but like- I didn't feel bad telling you that nothing was going to happen. Does that mean I am broken?"

He lets out a low laugh and shakes he head. "No Em, I think it's more an unnecessary anxiety on my behalf. Don't worry."

His phone screen lights up and he tenses.

We read.

I look up at him. "See that's an okay response. Like she's good, you're good?"

"Why did I need to tell her I didn't have feelings for her if she already knew?"

I pause. "Err... just to clear the air? Be honest? Address the elephant and all?"

He nods slowly.

He types back a message.

He drops his phone to the floor and I laugh when he lies down, squashing me besides him and turning to face me.

Our faces close.

I just give him a weary look at Henry too looks a little shocked by how close we are.

"You have never admitted you like me back..." Henry says quietly. "Not really anyway. But just a minute ago you said that you like me."

I feel exposed, ha, whoops when did I say that?

"I do... just a little bit."

A smile grows on his face. "You're cute."

"'And you're usually shy." I breathe.

"I just feel like you need to be showered with nice words Em."

"I don't." I whisper.

To be frank, I prefer being called a bitch and told to shut up. Ha. Gosh. I am joking. I am. I don't prefer the latter I am just used to it. This is just different, I think.

I think.

"You do." He says. "The main reason why I am not even glancing at Zoe is you, you know that right?"

I mean- I don't know how that makes me feel but I feel a weird tug inside. Not of usual affection, sort of, it's like stressed, but the warmth is still there.

I feel guilty. I don't understand why.

Henry trails his hand up to my face and I wonder how tragic I must look right now, my head next to his on the cushioned sofa pillow and my eyes wide, watching his.

"Emersyn?"

"Sorry." I whisper back.

"No I am sorry. For being something on your list of stressors."

"You're less of a stress." I say back.

He just smiles at me and I smile back.

"You are really pretty." Henry whispers, his eyes looking over my features. "And so kind. Like I don't know how on earth I managed to get here, but I can promise you one thing, I won't leave here. Whatever happens."

"You won't leave?" I whisper back.

"I know you don't want anything from me and I am saying that even though I know we aren't meant to be like- more than this- I will stay. Like as your friend. You won't lose me. Ever."

My heart feels funny.

It's like I am getting even more fucking confused.

The more Henry assures me of his goodness, in the sense of backing away, I just wanna move closer.

I move closer and his eyebrows furrow a little.

And I probably should have hesitated a little but instead I just fuck it and decide that we need to at least bloody kiss.

So I press my lips into his and I can feel his shock, the way he froze. I just bring my hand to his cheek and I kiss him, I kiss his bottom lip and then draw back.

Henry doesn't let me, he kisses me back and I melt a little but I continue kissing him.

Kissing someone is strange after not kissing someone for so long.

And being in the lead of a kiss is very strange, I am not used to having any power here, but it feels as Henry's lips press back into mine, that he is fully taking my lead.

I draw back, trying to breathe and he opens his eyes. And I wince.

I wince at the confusion, the adoration.

Kissing is strange. It's a weird thing to do. Like why do we do that?

"Emersyn you just kissed me."

I laugh and cringe all at the same time. "Yeah I know."

"What um... does that mean?"

Does it have to mean something?

I sigh and look at him. "I don't know. I just wanted to kiss you."

"Why?" He whispers.

"Because you were being very nice to me." I whisper back.

He pauses. "I feel like that's not exactly the best reason to kiss someone."

"I feel like there are many reasons as to why someone might kiss another, that one is as genuine as any other."

Henry looks at me, then he slowly sits up.

"Em, we shouldn't-" He sighs. I just sit up too, watching him confused.

"I thought you... wanted that."

Henry looks at me. "I did. I do. I just- not when..."

"When what?"

He doesn't say anything so I lean in again, curious because kissing Henry didn't feel like I thought-

He pulls away from me and looks at me almost sternly...

"When what?" I repeat, my stomach churning.

"When it's so complicated. I don't want to stress you out Emersyn. I promised I was here as your friend and I didn't mean to like-"

"Henry it was just a kiss. Like it's fine."

He looks at me almost harshly. "I don't just kiss people."

I swallow, growing quiet. His tone was almost judgemental and I was shocked at that. It shrinks me a little. I am an eighteen year old girl who's had sex once. I shouldn't feel embarrassed about kissing someone who I thought wanted to kiss me

"Look I am sorry." He says. "It's just- I don't do casual things. I don't just- kiss. I know it's weird and I know you think I'm probably weird and traditional and stuff but to kiss you again, seems like I'd be taking advantage of this situation. This situation where you are not used to someone being kind to you so you feel like you have to kiss them."

I pull a face.

I know what I thought. I know I had similar thoughts.

But like- "Give me some credit Henry. I am not- this is not a me being in a bad place thing. Like I am good. I am making a lot of progress on things. It's valentine's day, you were whispering cute shit to me, forgive me for thinking it appropriate for us to fucking kiss."

"You're angry." He says.

"I feel rejected." I say, moving away from him and he rubs his forehead in frustration.

"Em if this was you saying you wanted to be with me, then believe me I wouldn't be holding back. But I assume it's not."

I stay silent.

"So I should go."

I just let out an upset breath. "Henry don't be silly." My anger dissipating and replacing itself with sort of mortification. Like why was he going?

He looks at me confused. "I don't think I should- look, I will text you tomorrow."

"I thought you'd stay tonight." I say quietly.

"I- I just think it's best if I don't."

I feel so weird.

I just bring my legs up to my chest.

I guess this just hasn't really happened to me before. I am used to being wanted. However, fucking childish that makes me sound. Only one person in my life hasn't wanted me around him and I cracked that, I made him my friend, albeit the situation was fucked up... But once I got August to be my friend I really thought I wouldn't have to feel this way again.

Unwanted.

Okay I was being dramatic. He is just not as open with these things I guess.

I feel weird.

I watch him collect his things and then he walks over to me, crouching down in front of me.

"Emersyn it's a values thing. Just- please don't be mad at me."

"I am not mad at you." I say quietly.

"You seem mad."

"I'm just upset."

He winces. "Shit. I really am sorry. I don't know what- why are you upset?"

I shrug. "I didn't realise a kiss was this serious."

"It's not. To anyone else it's not. I promise. It's just a me thing- you know me, I have all these ideals and traditions and shit I am sorry."

"Don't apologise for your beliefs Henry..."

"I just believe shit like this really does have to be like shared between people committed to each other."

"I know you do." I say.

He nods. "So we are okay?"

"Yeah..."

Henry leans forwards and presses a kiss on my forehead, then my cheek and then he looks me straight in the eyes and I just look at him, still a little embarrassed, I don't even know why.

He leans in and pressed a small kiss to my lips, quick, chaste.

I just stare at him confused.

"Don't be upset." He whispers.

I just stare back.

I am upset. I am upset because I feel like I should feel more when our lips connect and the little creature inside me that I picture as my soul is kicking right off.

I nod. I don't think I feel anything. What am I even meant to feel? Gosh...

I am upset that like things went so weird. I just wanted a kiss. I wanted a small little blanket of affection and then we'd continue watching Doctor Who.

Instead, Henry gets his things and he leaves and I hate myself but I admit I pick up my phone immediately and call him.

Because I am spoilt. I am not used to feeling unwanted anymore and to be reminded that I am wanted, however toxic it is, felt better than what I feel right now.

It's funny. I am upset that Henry reacted like that. But I also know that I don't know if I would have kissed him again. Like- it felt weird.

Emersyn don't play around with these guys.