This is a little different but i felt like changing it up a little. I needed to show some progress but I didn't want to do a chapter because Emmy doesn't really see anyone this week and I didn't want to write something boring. So-

Mum's taking me through her self-help cycle. I've never does it properly with her before. But I decided if I was going to get myself back together again then I would put my all into it. And I would record the process. To look back on.

Food Diary: Breakfast: Apple slices. Lunch: --- Dinner: Vegetable stir fry. Snack: Marshmallow.

Food diaries are a bad idea because it makes me want to count calories. But I won't.

When I feel stressed and need a calm mind, Mum said I should try and focus on the sensations around me—sights, smells, sounds, tastes, touch. Apparently this will help me focus on the present moment, giving me a break from my worries.

Breathe in fresh air.Listen to running water.Take a hot shower or a warm bath.Burn a scented candle.Wiggle your bare feet in overgrown grass.Stare up at the sky.Lie down where the afternoon sun streams in a window.Listen to music.Sit outdoors by a fire pit, watching the flames and listening to the night sounds.

So I spent the day working through some of these with mum.

Two positives and a Negative.

✓We sat outside all evening and the sunset was beautiful and dad made a fire and we all snuggled up and talked for hours. Dad made s'mores.

✓ My heart relaxed for the first time in what feels like a while today. I could breathe deeply.

✖ It's hard trying to get people to let me breathe. Luella and Henry keep messaging me, Rayne and Jude as well as the other two passed on their worries. I just need a minute. I just need to breathe and sort myself back out.

I miss myself. I miss being bright light. But well I read today. "Sunshine all the time makes a desert." And I remembered that it is storms which make roots deepen, the rain that creates growth.

I can figure this out.

The grass is greener where you water it.

Food Diary. Breakfast: Oatmeal, apple slices. Lunch- Carrot sticks and hummus. Dinner: Vegetarian Lasagna.

Day two:

We focused on things that make me happy today. Mum said a way to take care of yourself when you're coping with stress is to engage in a pleasurable activity. For example:

Going out for food.Be a tourist in your own city.Gardening/ spending time outdoors. Watching your favourite movie.Make art. Do a craft project. We painted.Journaling. This.Walk your dogs. We don't have dogs. But we went for a walk and met a few.Go for a photo walk. Posted to insta.

Two positives and a Negative.

✓

✓ I went for a walk with mum and then she came back home and we both sat down stairs and got some work done. I caught up with what I should have done on the weekend. And I talked to Freya. She said she was going to let my head of department know a few things. I just agreed.

✖ I felt really sick agreeing to let my professors know I was struggling. I didn't eat my dinner, even though I wrote it down.

The way you speak to yourself matters.

I really really wanted to do better today with food than I did yesterday. I didn't. Not really. But instead of hating on myself I decided to promise myself it was okay and that I would do better tomorrow.

I reiterate. The way you speak to yourself matters.

I went with dad to work today. Instead of the gallery. I spent the morning basically just sat in his office doing uni work. Jackson and My dad ignored my presence. Like they just got on with work and I learnt I really do work better when others are being productive around me.

As long as I dont feel overwhelmed.

Mum and I went through my work and split it into bullet pointed lists.

It's easy working through them.

Then I went home and Mum had also finished her client meeting so she came home too.

Food Diary: Breakfast--- Lunch: Greek salad with some bread. Snack: Strawberries. Dinner: Emerald Dal.

Day 3:

Mum said we can also give ourselves a boost by doing a task that you've been avoiding or challenging your brain slightly. That is why I did a lot of work today. But it can also include:

Cleaning out a junk drawer or a closet.Take action (one small step) on something you've been avoiding.Try a new activity.Drive to a new place.Make a list.Immerse yourself in a crossword puzzle.Do a word search.Read something on a topic you wouldn't normally.

I read the last chapters of the book we're doing in Controversial Lit. I was avoiding it. I didn't want to read how it ended. But I did it.

Two positives and a Negative.

✓ I did work, I got things done.

✓ Mum and Dad have said I can cook dinner this week. It's given me control over the food I eat and also it makes me excited about the prospect of eating as I will be doing the cooking.

✖ I saw August today. He opened his arms for a hug. I think he needed one. I had to choose to put myself first. And walk away. I walked away. It felt better than falling into his arms. I am pretty sure. It was the lesser out of the two.

If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you.

I needed to get myself together because I don't want to hurt anybody. And it's going okay. Things seem quieter inside.

Favourite song today:

Food Diary: Breakfast: Smoothie bowl. Snack: Banana. Lunch: Lettuce and cheese wrap. Dinner: Enchiladas. Vegetarian for me. Desert: Strawberries and cream.

Getting in touch with your values—what really matters—is a way that mum cope's with stress and fosters a calm mind. A few ideas.

Attend church.Read poetry or inspiring quotes.Light a candle.Write in a journal.Spend time in nature.Pray.List five things you're grateful for.

A poem I found.

"You are like a tornado that came out of nowhere and brought destruction to my quiet life. You uprooted all hopes and scattered all my dreams. But even if I look messy from the outside, you can never destroy what's inside me. I will still rise up from this chaos to remind you that there will be a tsunami when you shaken someone's core, and it will come to haunt you like giant mountains marching from the sea just to crush what is left on your coast." - Kriz Summer.

I just liked the power in this poem. It embodies strength.

Five things I am grateful for-

The beach, the ocean. Being so near.My mum. My dad. My health. The fact that art and literature exists. Music. My friends. Their patience. The fact I felt energetic today.

Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes with doing what you love.

I made a cake today! It was fun. So much fun actually. It's inedible. Not going to lie. It does not taste great. I am unsure what went wrong. But the decorating was fun.

I think sunflowers are my fav.

Anyway.

Food diary: Breakfast: Toast. Lunch: Cake. Dinner: Double cheese and spring vegetable tart. And potato salad. Snack: Peanut and butter sandwich because I was hungry.

Day Five:

Dealing with our emotions can be hard. Mum said that she used to tend to label emotions as "good" or "bad," but that this isn't helpful. Instead:

I laughed a lot at the fact my cake tasted of coffee even though there was no coffee in the recipe. It wasn't even nice coffee. It was bad coffee.

I drank a lot of tea today and it made me feel happy. Lemon tea, mint tea, elderflower and cinnamon tea. It was apparently a pack of mindful teas. I worked after dinner.

I got a lot done.

So that's one of my positives for the day.

✓ I also cried today. Like I am not sure what happened. But I was on the phone to Freya and I just couldn't stop crying. But um, I felt better after it so I am writing it down as a positive.

✖ Tried on some clothes I left here, at home. Turns out I no longer fit into my size four jeans. It freaked me out. But I've ordered some bigger ones.

Progress not perfection.

Progress today is that I miss my friends. Like I horrifically miss them and I have been on FaceTime with Luella and Rayne on and off all day.

I didn't go to therapy. But we spoke over the phone. It actually went over time. I noticed but she didn't say anything. She also spoke to mum. Asked her those questions. Mum sat with me and annoyingly she agreed with a lot of the questions Freya was asking.

I just decided that after the phone call I was going to go swimming.

Coping with stress by engaging the body is great because you can bypass a lot of unhelpful mental chatter. It's hard to feel stressed when you're doing one of the following self-care activities.

Try yoga.Go for a walk or a run.Dance.Stretch.Go for a bike ride.Don't skip sleep to get things done.Take a nap.

I didn't go running or cycling because I didn't want to burn calories but I did go swimming. Just slow, lengths, I also napped. But I didn't really feel like I needed one.

Just more that I allowed myself to.

Food Diary: Smoothie bowl with grapes, bananas and strawberries. Lunch: Apple, halloumi wrap and some crisps. Dinner: Vegetarian Bolognese. Snack: I had a chocolate bar. :)

Talk about your blessings more than you do your problems.

✓ I really do have wonderful people around me. I do. And I ate chocolate for the first time in a while today and I didn't feel any sorta way about it. I feel okay. I am getting there.

My parents smiled at me a lot today, I think it was an echo of mine. But I am so happy that they are smiling more.

Favourite song today:

You've got to Feel:) I am writing this, tired. But not drained. I feel good.

Food Diary: Breakfast: Bagel and a small bowl of chopped fruit. Lunch: Butternut Risotto with Leeks and Spinach. Dinner: Celery Soup. (Dad made his own food. Not a fan) Snacks: I ate some popcorn. Sweet and Salty is my favourite.

Day Seven:

Connecting with others is an important part of self-care. Mum encouraged me to reach out more and arrange to see someone. She suggested:

Go on a lunch date with a good friend.Calling a friend on the phone.Participating in a book club.Joining a support group.

Two positives and a Negative:

✓ I called Luella and we went out for Lunch. Then she came back to mine and we snuggled up in my be and watched some movies with some popcorn. It was really nice.

✓ I decided to go to that support group on Sundays. For the eating disorders. I um... I prefer myself when I am not obsessing about food. So I thought it might help. Or like Freya said it might help me feel less alone about it. So tomorrow-

✖ I am really worried. But- but we will see how it goes.

Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to open up the sky.

I feel as if I can see the sky again.

The sun.

I feel that the sun and I have exchanged looks, agreement. That I was going to figure this out. That I am okay.

What a wonderful thought- That some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet.

Today wasn't the best day.

I spent a lot of the morning anxious.

But I was worrying for no reason. It was okay. The group. I was worried it would trigger things. It didn't. I still felt okay to eat after.

Food Diary: Breakfast: Apple. I was scared. Lunch: Veggie Loaded Flatbread and I made some sweet potato wedges. Dad liked the sweet potato and he even high fived me. For dinner: Dad made a traditional Sunday roast and he cooked a nut roast for me. We had potatoes and vegetables and cauliflower cheese and gravy and stuffy and usually I would be overwhelmed. Instead I enjoyed it a lot. Snacks-- I didn't eat anything else because I was stuffed. But I would have if I could fit it in.

"Every time we level up we have to readjust our boundaries. What was okay before, no longer works. The people in our lives, our self care rituals and the environment we engage in must all adjust and meet our new vibrational frequency in order to be sustained."

In other words. To stay here. In this place where I can deal with things, where I can do my work, be happy, where I can cope. I have to keep up this level of routine. Of peace. I have to adjust the things that were stressing me out. Because what point is it, doing all this to help me and then looking at things the exact same as I did before.

So. With my work. It needs to be my priority. But it cannot be the only thing I have to do. I will go and meet people, take up hobbies, clubs. Because until I get a reason not to. It might help.

With Henry. I want to be his friend. I need to stop leading him on. I know I do. I know I am leading him on. And it is because I want to. Because I do like him. His company. His soul. I enjoy the way my soul feels around it. But I am unsure whether I want more than that. So I will just talk to him. It's Henry. The most beautiful soul. I can figure it out without pulling him through the process too.

And well August. It's either let him go. Or let go of the situation. The angst. The unnecessary tension. We're friends. I don't want to let August go. I don't. I want him in my life. So I realise I have to let something else go. Which is the summer. The way I felt. The history we have. I have to let go of the angst between us. It doesn't matter if occasionally we need each other. That's not the end of the world. So yeah, I have consciously decided to be less drama. To choose to not regard August as a stressful situation. He's a person. A pretty good person who I enjoy spending time with occasionally. We hardly even see each other anyway. All this tension is unnecessary.

Agreed? Agreed.

It's Luella's birthday this week.

So after the whole eating disorder support group, I attempted the cake again. I want to make her a birthday cake. It actually turned out good this time. It's lemon flavour. I changed the recipe. It doesn't taste like coffee.

So I will make it again closer to her birthday and that will be one of her gifts. :)

I think we're having a party for her.

Nice people only she said. Reassured.

I just told her to invite whoever she wanted. I'm going back into the city tonight. Dad's going to drive me and um, I feel better prepared. I dont know. I just feel positive.

Reenergised.

No Re-emersyn-ised.