"Mum?" I call out.

There's silence.

"Mum?" I call louder into the gallery stairs.

"Em?" She shouts back and I just sigh in slight amusement and walk up the stairs heading towards her studio.

I went home and nobody was home. So I just went for a shower, changed into comfier clothes and then walked into town, heading to find mum.

Luella took me home. When August and I returned from swimming he came upstairs with me. And I hate to admit that I was slightly apprehensive that if Luella and Trev were not in the flat... I wondered what would happen. Why he was following me up. Why I didn't ask. Why I just accepted he was coming up too.

But they were. They were sat studying together in the front room and so August just dropped his bag and went and joined T on the sofa and Luella got up and came into my bedroom with me.

She didn't say anything stressful. Luella, despite her bluntness, tunes into people's moods very easily. She asked me if I was okay.

I knew truthfully, I wasn't. Even though I have no idea why I am not.

So when I started a pack a bag for home. She helped. And well we left T and August in our flat as Luella drove me home.

"Mum?" I say again as I push the door to her gallery open. I knew she was here because the car was here. But I was a little confused as to why the gallery front doors were locked when I arrived.

But well I used my keys and now I realise she was just working on her art.

She turns around as I enter the room and I smile immediately because she was covered in specs of paint as per freaking usual.

"Em you- you didn't tell me you were coming, did you?"

"No mum."

'Oh good. You worried me there, thought I had forgotten." She wipes her hands and gives me a small concerned smile.

"I know that look." She says. "What's wrong?"

I walk in and I just go to her, she greets me with her arms open and I do just exhale a little as her smell coats me with familiarity. She pulls back and looks at me properly.

"What's happened?"

Nothing. I shrug. "I um... I am struggling a little."

She looks shocked. But not at my words. I think at the admittance.

She nods and she nods over to the table she had put up here and I just go and sit down.

"What's going on Em?"

"I don't know." I say quietly as she walks over and pulls out a chair to sit next to me.

"Stressed?"

I nod. My voice is quiet. "Stressed, tired, sad, overwhelmed, angry, did I say tired?"

She frowns at me and lifts her hand to the table and places hers on my arm, looking at me in concern.

"How long have you been feeling-"

"This week?" I say. I guess. "Well I have been overwhelmed for a while I don't know-"

"How were you when you were staying with August Em?"

I look down. "Fine. I had like structure and things I dunno- I just- I am so- I don't know what I am."

She nods slowly. "Baby you look tired."

I nod.

"Is there something that specifically has been stressing you out?"

I shake my head slowly.

"Emersyn Rose." She says, unconvinced.

"...University maybe? Like um my head isn't in it. Not unless I get a good sudden boost of motivation. But mum I wanna be there, I like it, the lectures, everything. I love it. It's not that. It's just somethings wrong with me again. I don't know."

She nods.

But I continue. And well when I start I can't really stop.

"And like the unmotivated thing is stressing me out so much because it makes me feel and look so so so lazy and I am not. I've never been. And it's not even- like it's washing as well. Laundry. Dishes. I am so lucky I live with Luella mum because anyone else wouldn't put up with me."

My mum's just nodding.

"I am so forgetful and messy and just a state and I don't understand why and It's not what you think- like I am not low like that, I spent all week with August at his lowest I know I am not- I know. And it's not the other one mum. I just. It's not bipolar and I know you are going to say- and I just."

"Emersyn breathe."

I breathe.

"I just- things are so complicated. It feels like one day I have the instruction manual on how to do life and deal with things and I feel like everyone else has one too and it's okay and then some days it's like my manual is in German and I can't even read a word whereas everyone else is bilingual and they understand what's going on. Better yet, it's like I just lost my manual or well it got burnt and just-"

"I understand what you're trying to say." She says gently, amused but also watching me with a frown. "So if it's university Emersyn we can... we can figure that out. If it's not for you then that is totally okay. You don't need to be there-"

"It's... it's not that. It's everything. I don't know. Like just-" I sigh. "My friend Henry? Well I sorta thought we were getting closer and I know, I know he has feelings, he's made that clear but I don't know how I feel. I think I could feel a lot for him if I- I don't know. My feelings for people are usually pretty instant and intense and-"

"Infatuation." My mum says softly. I am so happy that she doesn't make me feel strange about expressing boy problems. I nod.

"Yeah I guess so I don't know. But I just- I don't feel that way about Henry but I could. I want to."

She blinks at me. "I didn't feel anything towards your father for a long time. My love for him grew gradually and it grew intense as it went along."

I nodded. "Exactly I know that happens so I... I just. I don't know. I guess I thought that was going to happen maybe? But I don't know. Am I fooling myself? And well don't get me started on the fact that Henry, sweet, innocent, angel Henry, he has a girl whom of which is into him. Like infatuated with him. She probably knows him so much better than I know him and I just- I feel a certain way about it."

She nods again and goes to speak and I just blurt the next stressor.

"And then there is August."

Her lips press together and she nods.

"August who has framed the way I act around guys. The reason why I know I don't feel for Henry what I can for someone else. And I don't just mean him. Like August. I just mean I know how it feels to love someone that deeply. Like to adore them and-"

"Sweetheart. Your first love is very different to your second love. You don't need to feel the same way."

"No I know. I do. I know that and I understand that. But it's really hard to remember that when I do have this weird, complicated, painful history with someone who I probably should dislike. I should probably stay away from. But someone who I get on so well with. When he lets me. Someone who comforts me, who I have a connection with... Someone who I still want to be around, and I sort of hate myself for it."

She frowns. "Emmy, you don't have to hate yourself for anything."

"I just... when we went travelling, I sorted through all this and I disconnected from August. I did. But now we seem connected again and I don't mean like through feelings. It hasn't really been like that with us whatsoever since I've been back. Since we were talking, and then obviously it wasn't like that when I stayed with him last week. But... but I enjoy his company mum and I also hate it. I hate it because it overwhelms me. But I want his company? I don't know. It's all really really stressful and I can't-"

My mum nods. "Yeah bubba it does sound stressful."

I look at her. If I was saying everything I may as well say everything.

"And I keep having this dream. This really god fucking awful dream about Dad."

She looks shocked.

"Your dad?"

"Like dadda mum."

She nods, watching me.

"He's shouting at you, like, you two are fighting. Like actually arguing not just your play fight things. And he's being so horrible and you're so upset and I'm just there watching and I- I know it's not dadda... like in the dream it's meant to be the other man. Yuen? Yeah it's meant to be Yuen but I don't know what he looks like so my brain imagines him as dad and it's so awful and stressful and I don't know why I keep having those bad dreams but I do and so I am so god damn exhausted and well Freya, who is the lady I see every Friday has asked me to ask you some questions about my childhood like did I tend to cry easily, have big meltdowns, daydreaming, like focus issues and stuff like was I a messy child or forgetful or highly sensitive to noise or fabrics and emotions of others and stuff like that and I don't know what she's working towards and it's all so stressful."

My mum is looking at me shocked and then she just bumps her chair forward and properly starts to rub my arm in comfort.

"Emersyn." She says softly. "I am so sorry you're having bad dreams about that. Your dad has never once spoken to me in a way that has been out of hand. Or done anything cruel to me."

I nod. I know. It's dad. It's just stuck in my head.

"Are you your age in these dreams?"

I shake my head.

"I'm looking up at you two." I say gently.

She looks distraught. "Have you told Freya about it?"

"Not yet." I whisper.

My mum nods. "You probably didn't get a chance to process the things your father and I told you about Yuen because of everything that was going on last summer. You might need to talk about it all. We can talk? Or you could talk to Freya about it, Rayne? Anyone. Or... or baby it might be a memory you have."

She looks so guilty and I just stare confused.

"You may have had a repressed memory. Maybe you woke up one night and I just didn't know. And I- I would have known. I was always- we- we never- you were protected from it. But you did develop in a slightly um rocky household in your very early years so I am so sorry your brain is choosing to put those types of dreams images in your head."

I just look down, searching the old wooden table for patterns.

"Emersyn what can we do baby?"

I look at her. "This is why I am here. I don't know what to do. I just- I really need you."

She nods. "I am here. Your dad is here. We are here for you."

I nod. "I need you to help me."

"You're okay." She says softly. "But we do need to sort this all out. Go through everything. Fix what we can so you have less things stressing you out. Because the things you said that were stressing you out, the boy problems... well like. That's normal life Emersyn. It is. Boys are hard work."

I laugh a little and nod.

"But the rest. The rest... the rest we do need to fix. Figure out."

"Okay." I whisper.

She gets up and I start to follow her and she shakes her head. Nodding back to the chair and so I sit back down. She goes and grabs a piece of paper.

"Em have you got any solutions you have already thought about?"

I nod a little. "This morning Jude and I were talking, and I was saying that the more of a routine I have. The busier I feel. The less time I have to get overwhelmed. But I am bad at organising. At- like sorting things like that out. You were the one that signed me up for most of my extracurriculars when I was a kid. Who managed me."

She nods. "So do you feel like being busier will help you?"

I rub my eyes. "I don't know. I am already so overwhelmed."

"With the amount of work?" She asks.

I shake my head. "It's more like time management. Like having all the spare time. I don't know. I just feel- okay I was really focused on art a couple of weeks ago. But somethings happened since I was with August last week and now I can't even focus on that and it's so- frustrating."

"Yeah I know, you were into painting again right?" She says.

I nod.

"And now?"

"And now I can't get into it."

She smiles at me gently and then says. "What if we create you a schedule. A routine. It helps everyone who struggles a little with the mental health Emersyn. It helps if you are someone who feels a little lost without so much structure. We can do that. Find things for you to do."

I nod slowly.

"Okay bubba then let's go through your usual week routine and I we can fill in some gaps with things. We can write down times that you should do laundry and-"

I feel embarrassed. "Mum you shouldn't have to do this. Like I shouldn't need this. I am practically an adult."

She frowns at me. "Sweetheart doing things that help you, that aid in your mental wellbeing is not young or immature. Actually realising this and helping your self is ten times more mature than ignoring an issue."

I nod.

"And you are forever going to be my child Emersyn Rose, I can help you if i want to."

I just rub my eyes and then we slowly work through my routine. My day. We identify gaps in my days, and I notice that these gaps actually do trigger the stress, the way I unfocused in these gaps and then I can't seem to get myself back into it. Ever.

So mum and I plan. And she reiterates over and over again that it's not the end of the world if I don't follow these. It's more if I find myself lost, I know exactly where and what I can be doing. We fill my evenings. My afternoons. I sign up online for some societies. Like fine art society and literature society and theatre, creative writing, and also dance. I sign up to these as they work out perfectly.

They each have a workshop on one day of the week and so on Monday I will now have a creative writing workshop or social. On Tuesday I have fine art. Which is from 5-6 in the evening everyone who is part of the group meets in this studio and someone leads a session. It could be crafts or painting or any sort of media and you just express yourself using the different medium. On Wednesdays I have dance and again, it's just a workshop. A class. It's just something to fill an evening. On Thursdays it's Theatre and on Fridays it's just literature. Which is literally like a book club.

Its not giving me tonnes of more work to do. It's just filling my time with structure and things I enjoy.

And also they say that you can go to one session or you can go to every. There is no pressure. So we plan my mornings, my afternoons, my evenings and I know I wont stick to every routine. I know this. But I also know that this will help I think.

And if it doesn't. I will just try something else.

We are making our way back out to the car when my mum says quietly. "Emmy I know I said you need routine. That you need to stay busy. But sweetheart I can feel your low energy from here."

I just look at her.

"You are exhausted. You probably have been since you stayed with our August."

I just nod. It was exhausting. I was constantly scared. I am still scared for him-

I look at her.

"Stay the weekend." My mum says. "The week even. Tell uni you are sick, and you can catch up or do the lectures online this week. You really need to rest. Let us take care of you. Then the next week you can start your routine. You can go back to university rested and we can have mental health days and properly rejuvenate. I was thinking that you've constantly just been on the go. Since your exams, since this summer, since travelling, then Christmas, then starting uni. You need to just rest."

"Mum I don't want to be more overwhelmed. The work-"

"Why don't you call Freya, tomorrow? Go through it with her. I think you need a rest before you totally burn out and exhaust yourself."

I nod a little.

"I'll just see."

"Okay well have you got your things?" My mum asks. "Like how did you get here, have you been home?"

"Luella brought be home, I have things. I brought a bag."

She nods. "Okay so tomorrow we'll spend the day together yeah?"

"What about the gallery?"

She shrugs. "It'll survive."

"Okay." I say quietly and we start to leave, getting things together.

"Right let's go home?" She asks. "Your dad should be home soon, or well already actually."

"Okay." I agree. "What are you making for dinner?" I ask.

Mum scoffs in amusement. "Something without meat I presume?"

I just smile and follow behind her as we leave.

I still feel like I have this whole world of mess on my shoulders. But it feels like my mum can see it all too and although I cannot seem to figure it all out, it seems as if she's looking at all the information and can seem to order it.

Which is one of the main issues here. But it also makes me feel better.

As we get home I am almost falling asleep, I don't even understand why. The whole car journey I am trying to fight my eyes to stay open.

I turn to mum. "To be honest mum, I might just go straight up stairs and have a sleep."

She looks at me. "And I wake you up for dinner?"

I guess so.

I nod.

And then we pull into the driveway and I press my eyes together in an awkward sense of frustration when I see whose car is also on the drive.

August's.

He had therapy today. So my frustration of the fact he is here, disappears and I feel a little uneasy. It was like I immediately just assumed he wasn't okay.

For him to be here. To come here after therapy.

I look at mum.

"He pops in to see your dad." She says as if I didn't know.

I nod.

We get out the car and I know she's saying things but I can't stop thinking about how I was such a mess earlier. How I just needed comfort. It could have been anyone. To give me that comfort.

And I kept reassuring myself that it wasn't and me and August thing.

Up until the moment I saw him sat at the kitchen table with my dad, I was convincing myself that I was making up the way it's been between us lately that its all been in my head. But them August's head in his hands as they talked, his face looked tear stained and my God. My God it hurt.

His cheeks were wet. I have never seen August cry. I didn't think he did that.

But it was clear he had been when he looked up as mum and I entered the kitchen.

I froze when I saw him. So did my mum for a second. Then she acted like he wasn't there utterly distraught, and my dad just stayed sat opposite him.

"August hon you staying for dinner?" My mum asks. I just watch him.

He shakes his head and then lifts his t-shirt and he drags it across his face, wiping the wetness away.

I walk to the fridge.

My dad is watching me confused.

I suppose I shouldn't be here right now, I live in the city. Ha.

"Are you sure? Emersyn is staying too." My mum says.

"She is?" Dad asks and I turn to him with a water in my hands and nod.

"Think I am going to stay here for a few days. If that's okay."

"Of course it's okay. What's happened?" My dad asks.

"Nothing. I will explain later. Or well mumma will."

"Okay." He says softly and then looks at Leo.

"August you need to eat something. And you're not driving tonight." My dad says this quietly but I am a little I don't know- overwhelmed so everything is loud right now anyway.

"I can drive."

"Not tonight." Is all my dad says.

"I'll go back home." August says quietly. My mum is starting to sort dinner.

I just take a sip of my water.

"You're not going to an empty house son, you can stay here."