HI it's still Christmas Eve here but merry Christmas to anyone who for them it's Christmas .

73

Henry's hand was flat on my stomach as I woke up, it was warm, underneath my shirt he'd given me and I just stare out through the empty room.

It was tidy. But I feel like he tidies it on days where I might come round.

Last night was a tad messy, I was a little...

Things are a little messy right now. I need to figure this shit out because I am better than this, the stress. I can cope with stress. I can.

I felt so put together when we were in Europe. I had everything categorised nicely in my head. I strived off the chaos of it all. Now I seemed to be drowning a little.

I let out a slightly emotional breath and I pressed my hand against Henry's. He stirred awake, slowly coming too and then he freezes. He pulls his hand away from me.

"Gosh sorry." He mumbles.

I turn around and I try to move into his arms and he pulls away from me instead.

I blink at that, opening my eyes properly and the blush on his face takes me by surprise.

"Morning." I whisper.

"Mhm, morning."

"I wanted a hug." I say quietly and his eyes soften.

"Em this is embarrassing but um, morning."

He widens his eyes at me as he says morning and I just stare confused.

I think I was slightly hungover and sad.

I close my eyes again. "Just wanted a hug." I mumble.

He makes a pained noise. "I'd hug you but sometimes in the morning guys wake up with..."

My eyes jump open and I understand the blush. "Oh."

I snigger and he turns his head into his pillow in embarrassment and I laugh a little at that. I don't know why the fact Henry has a boner and therefore wont hug me makes me happier, but it does.

He shakes his head into his pillow, and I giggle a little and start getting up.

"You don't have to leave." He mumbles.

I just turn to look at him. "I want a hug, and well if you won't give me one, I will go and find one."

"Right." Henry mutters.

I smile and get out of bed and I don't look back as I walk out of his bedroom. Rayne and Jude came back last night. It was a slightly traumatic ten minutes for Henry and I. We laughed a lot.

I knocked on their bedroom door.

It was only seven. Oopsies.

"Yeah?" Jude calls out and I pause.

Is this normal? Yes. I don't care.

"Hey it's um, me, can I come in?"

There's silence and then Jude says yeah.

I push the door open a little and Rayne is laid asleep still in bed, Jude is sat up looking at me confused.

"Are you both decent?" I ask.

He blinks at me. "Morning Emersyn."

I smile a little. "I want a hug."

He laughs and nudges Rayne awake and then he taps the space between them so I just walk to the bed and crawl over the covers and plomp myself down between them. Rayne turns to me, confused. And then he shrugs and wraps an arm around me and I laugh snuggling in.

"You stole my boyfriend." Jude mutters and I reach for him and pull his arm around me too.

Okay this was a little strange. I was sandwiched between them.

I giggle into Rayne's chest and the two boys chuckle too.

"Emersyn are you okay?" Jude asks.

I turn around and he moves back a little because admittedly his face that close to mine was a little scary.

"Mhm." I hum. "I needed to be squeezed."

Rayne squeezes me too him and I sigh in relief.

"She gets like this." Rayne mumbles. "Overstimulated. In need of physical comfort."

"Mood." Jude says and then his eyes widened. "Sorry I didn't mean that."

I just don't really understand what he means anyway and close my eyes.

"I'm overwhelmed but I am not sure whether things are just overwhelming or whether I am a mess."

Boy of the boys don't say anything and I just sigh, closing my eyes and Jude then pokes my cheek.

"Does that mean you need to take things off your plate?."

I shrug. "At school I had things on every single day. And I seemed to be able to cope. And then exams came so I was made to quit like the extra curriculars by my guidance counsellors and things crumbled."

"So do you need to fill your time with things?" Jude asks and I shrug.

"I don't know. I already feel stressed about the things I am doing."

"You need things to do that like, you don't need to work on outside of the few hours that you attend. Like societies." He says.

I just press my head down on Rayne's pillow more and he moves to spoon me. I smile at that, the comfort is strong.

"What like?" I mumble.

"Like theatre. Or art, or there's random ones like board games society, um I go to litsoc which is literally just us talk about books. You don't even really need to read them. Um, film society. You just go and watch films... You used to dance right? There's a dance society. They perform but like you don't actually have to."

I reach for him and he laughs, holding my hand.

"I am lost Jude."

"I can see that." He says gently and Rayne holds me tighter.

"Emersyn you've felt this before. Even last summer. Like you have figured it out before."

"No I go off to a remote country and forget about my troubles. Canny really do that right now."

"We could go on holiday in the summer." Rayne says. "Give you something to look forward to..."

My eyebrows rise.

"Or spring break." Jude says. "That's not too long from now."

"Mm." I hum. "I like you two."

"We like you too." Rayne laughs and I close my eyes.

"I like you both lots and lots but I have work in half an hour and I need to get up and get going and call me old fashioned but leaving my boyfriend in my bed with his ex girlfriend leaves a funny taste in my mouth." Jude's voice is light, unserious. But I get the hint that I need to get out so they can get going.

I nod. "Okay I will leave you two be."

I climb over Rayne and he rubs his face in sleepiness. He looks at me. "Call me if you need me."

I nod.

"And talk to your mum Emersyn."

I just smile at him. Yeah I agree. I might drive into town today. Actually today I might just rest. Or run. Or rest. I am not sure. But tomorrow is Sunday and both mum and dad will be off work so I will figure it out then.

If I go for a run, eat breakfast and then go back to bed for a little bit I could have a lay in and then eat lunch and then get some work done and then maybe just chill for the night?

Yeah I think that sounds like a good plan for today.

I head back into Henry's room and he's in the shower so I sort of rush around and get changed back into the clothes from the night before.

My hair was straight, last night I straightened my ponytail, but it was a mess so I just scooped it up in another much less perfect ponytail and then I waited for Henry to get back out if the shower. I don't have to wait long because Henry emerges, a towel wrapped around his bottom half and my eyes zero in on the long scar across his chest.

I blink at it.

He turns around and my eyes immediately dart up to the back of his head. He's frozen.

"Henry?"

"Err." He says.

I stand and walk over to him. "Why are you hiding?"

He slowly turns around. "Sorry instinct. I know it's ghastly."

My eyes carefully drop down to the scar and I look up at him confused.

"Er like just had a heart thing when I was a kid, that's all."

"I feel like that's an under exaggeration."

He gives me a small smile. "It sort of broke."

My eyes widened and he laughs. "Not like- I mean it stopped working. It's fine now. We um figured it out."

I lift my hand to the scar and he knocks it away.

"Sorry but um. No."

"Sorry." I say immediately, dropping my hand and he gives me a smile. "You need a jumper?"

I nod.

He moves out and tosses me one of his jumpers that he had on his chair.

I just pull it on.

"Henry do you do any societies?"

He huffs.

"Why?"

"Why the attitude?" I laugh, grinning because it was sort of funny.

"You'll laugh at me."

I follow him around the bed and stand in front of him, he was grabbing some clothes.

"I-"

"I can walk you back if you give me five minutes to get changed." He says.

"You're avoiding the-"

He turns around. "Harry potter is the one you're going to find funny."

I giggle. "You're apart of the-"

He rolls his eyes and playfully pushes me back away from him and the force takes me off guard and I fall back on his bed.

That sobers me up, I watch him, shocked, slightly um suddenly attracted by the small display of power.

But then he ruins it. "Shit I am so sorry. Are you okay?"

He pushed me back on the bed, not knocked me out.

I smile. "Of course I am."

"I am sorry, I didn't mean to be so rough. That's like not who I am."

I just nod a little.

"I know it's not."

He looks stressed.

"I am gonna go for a run so don't worry about walking me home."

He looks down at my jeans.

"Not in these." I laugh. "I will go home first."

He just nods and I stand up, collecting my things from his bedroom.

"Emersyn are we good?"

I turn. "Yeah, I mean I think so. What do you mean?"

"I mean I can't read you."

"You normally can."

He frowns. "Well, this morning I can't."

That's because Henry is good at reading people, everyone. It's not specific to me.

"I am just a little stressed."

He nods. "Have I done anything?"

I shake my head. But like- one of the things is the Zoe thing. It is.

The mysterious bathroom girl told me it was their story not mine. But well I write stories in my spare time, how can she expect me not to be invested in other people's stories? It's my whole personality.

I sit down on the bed.

He just leans against his desk, watching me.

"You asked me if there were any other guys, right?"

He nods slowly.

"And I told you no."

He nods again. Then he sighs. "If you're going to tell me it's complicated between you and August, I caught on to that, you don't need to worry-"

I pull a face.

I see how he got to that tangent, but I don't- that Is not where I was going with this.

"No this is about you."

He looks surprised. "Can I put some clothes on?"

I snigger at that, nodding and he heads back into the bathroom his arms full and I reach into my bag to open my phone.

There's nothing exciting on there. I just am waiting.

He walks back out and sits down on the bed too and I just cross my legs and face him.

"I didn't ask 'what about you'." I say. "So what about you."

He raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Are there other girls-"

He shakes his head. "You know there's not."

I frown. "What about Zoe?"

Henry looks surprised and he cocks his head at me, his eyebrows furrowed.

"She's my friend. Has been since eleventh grade."

I nod slowly. "Just your friend?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure you don't have any feelings for her?" I ask.

He looks so confused. "Emersyn you've got the wrong end of the stick somewhere here because Zoe and I are friends, have been forever, I don't feel that way about her and she doesn't feel that way about me."

Oh. Oh man.

"So there haven't been any moments or thoughts that have crossed your mind or-"

He shakes his head. "I don't date. I don't... Girls freak me out, Zoe's not a girl to me."

I don't know how to take that.

He cringes. "Yeah that sounded bad. I just mean, Zoe and I have never been like that."

I sigh.

He's clueless.

"Em?"

I smile a little. "You're cute." I say. "You really are clueless about things."

He just searches my face. "Did I make you feel better or worse? I don't understand."

"Henry you are the good guy in my story. Like you're so good to me and you're lovely and thoughtful and I appreciate you so so much..."

He frowns.

"But in another girl's story you're the asshole right now."

He looks so confused.

"Think on that. You're smart. Figure it out."

"Emersyn..."

"No like I shouldn't even have said anything. But like- please do figure that out."

He just remains silent as I grab my things and walk out.

I don't know where that conversation left us.

I just head out into the cold early morning and it isn't long before I find myself pressing the elevator doors to my apartment.

I wait impatiently for it to come down to me.

I want to go for a run, I do. It really is good for my head. But I also have an understanding that I don't think I'm supposed to be doing exercise.

Well that's what Freya said.

That I need to be taking in more calories than I burn. And I have been doing that but sometimes it's actually hard. I don't know. I think I should just do yoga or something-

The doors open and I see a sleepy looking August.

We both pause.

His eyes scan me and a tired smirk lifts to his mouth.

"Knock that look off your face." I say.

He looks at me unimpressed. "I miss nice Em."

"Well you looking at me like that results in nasty Em."

"Meh I like nasty Em too."

He steps out and I ignore his comment.

"Just coming home?"

I nod.

"Good night?" He asks.

I search his face for answers, not for answers, for the real question.

"Yes I had a very good night."

His eyes connect with mine and he gives me a closed lipped smile and starts to move past me.

"No wait." I say.

August stops and turns around.

"Where are you going? What are you doing and are you okay?"

He blinks at me and then a small laugh leaves his lips.

"Yes. I am going swimming."

"Oh okay." I nod, looking at his bag.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

He looks at me confused.

"Yes I am sure, you want me to send you a picture when I am there?"

Maybe.

If it's a selfie ha. God him in the goggles.

I start smiling and he just looks at me confused.

"Sorry it's you in the goggles again."

He looks unimpressed.

I laugh.

"Anyway, okay, have a good morning." I say.

"Yeah, get some rest Emersyn." He say, turning back.

"Will do later." I agree.

August turns to me. "Later?"

"Oh. I am going to go for a run-" I say stepping into the elevator. I press the button to my floor. "Have a nice swim-"

August jogs to the doors and just before the shut he puts his arm between them, I watch shocked as he gets in.

"You shouldn't be running."

I blink at him.

I feel myself closing down.

I look away.

"I am serious Emersyn."

And? So what?

I need to. It helps so much with my day.

"Look at me."

I lift my eyes.

"Look running is really high impact."

I let out a staggered breath. "August stop, it's not-"

"Emersyn I don't want to be having to manage you as well right now. But listen to me. Don't-"

"I need to. It helps my own mental health."

"By feeding into-" He frowns. "Look you stopped me from hurting myself, this is the same thing."

It so isn't the same thing.

I feel so sick at this confrontation.

I look away.

"If I leave you, you're just going to go running aren't you?"

I think he's talking to me more right now that he ever fucking did. I am too head fucked for him to be concerned about me.

Ha maybe that is why he's concerned.

Oh golly.

"I don't know what else to do."

He stares. "Come swimming with me. It's early on a Saturday, no one is there apart from me and a few other trainers. You'll have the slow lane all to yourself. It's good for your head but low impact."

I just shake my head. "Look, I won't go. It's fine. I am sorry for worrying you, you can go now."

The lift doors open and I step out.

He just follows.

I turn around in frustration.

"Then I'll hang out."

I look at him unimpressed.

"August-"

"Emersyn."

I let out a huff and turn around, walking to my door and August follows. I thought maybe if I ignore the issue it would go away. Maybe this is why I'm in therapy. Ha.

"Em come swimming."

"No." I mumble.

"Why?"

I don't know. Stubbornness?

"Come on." He encourages.

I turn around. "August you being nice and concerned is stressing me out, I don't even know which version of you is real and which isn't."

His face falls. Damn it I think I hurt him.

His eyes harden and he reaches forwards and unlocks my door, I had gotten far enough to put the key in the lock. He places his hand on my back and pushes me into the room.

"Okay fine." He says. "If you're going to be nasty Em, I will be nasty August. Stop being a stubborn cow and go and get your swimming stuff."

The sternness has my eyes wide.

"I mean it." He says. "I don't have time for this. I don't trust you on your own so you are coming with me."

"The irony." I mutter.

"Is not lost on me. Get your ass into your room and get changed."

"I-"

"I am not arguing. I woke up early, got my shit together and left the house, now it's your turn."

I don't really feel like I have a choice in the matter.

That angers me.

"August no. You do not get to order me around."

"Like hell I don't." He says and he grabs my hand and starts heading off towards Luella's room.

I could have told him that that wasn't my room. But instead, I just let it happen.

I was being a brat.

Oh well.

He opens the door harshly and Luella and Trev startle away from each other and I laugh l]] at the fact that's their instinct, to shoot away from each other as if they have been caught doing something wrong. Trev falls out the bed, he's naked, I laugh even louder, and he pulls a pillow to cover himself.

"What the hell man?" Trev exclaims, gesturing for us to get out and I meet Luella's eyes and then I am pulled harshly back out of the bedroom.

I am just being dragged across to the other room and I laugh a little. That was funny.

"I don't have swim things."

"Lier." He says immediately.

He's not wrong.

He opens my bedroom door and then he pauses. Instead of entering he pushes me past him and then pulls the door shut, shutting me in my bedroom.

"Get swim stuff and a bag together and hurry up."

I just say no.

"Emersyn seriously. Swimming really helps me at the moment so just fucking co-operate."

I hate how he just knows that's going to make me cave.

"Go swimming then." I call out.

"Stop being a brat."

I stop being a brat and find my bathing suit, packing it and a towel and a water bottle. Then I get changed quickly and August is inpatient, so he knocks on the door.

"Hurry up."

I pull it open and I hold my bag out for him to take.

"No." He says.

I just drop it on the floor and then bend to do my shoelaces.

"Oh."

"Yeah oh." I mutter.