"Hey." I say. "I text you, I didn't know if you'd get it."

August gives me a small tired smile as he gets in the car, shutting the door behind him with slight force.

I don't say anything just wait a moment to see if he'd tell me how it went.

I decided I'd pick him up from therapy and then we'd go back to the flat together.

"I got it." He says. "I get all the messages just the effort to answer is a lot."

I smile at that and nod.

"Have you got a lot of unread messages?"

He nods. "Yeah you can go through and clear them for me if you like."

I smile at that and nod. "Yeah I can do that when we get back."

I turn on the car and concentrate on pulling out safely. This road was fast and well I didn't want to kill us.

"How was it?" I ask quietly once we get onto the road.

He's quiet for a few seconds and then he sighs. "Miserable."

"I'm sorry." I say gently, I didn't know what else to say.

"But um, I feel myself coming out of it so..."

I smiled at that, at the road. "You do?"

"Yeah. It doesn't feel like a weight is literally on my chest anymore."

I almost reach out to him. I felt this major relief. Just to know it's getting a little better.

"You still having thoughts?" I ask quietly.

I don't know if that's allowed to be said, I don't know if it's socially acceptable. It feels okay for me to ask August that, but I don't think I'd ever ask anyone else it. It's just different isn't it?

"Thoughts but not intention." He says. "It's easier to brush it off."

"Yeah?"

"Mm."

"August I'm proud of you." I say so truthfully.

He doesn't say anything. I flick my eyes over to him and as I can feel his eyes on my side profile. I look back to the road.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing. You have nothing to be proud of me for."

I frowned. "I am impressed that you came with me today. That you were able to get up and go. I am proud that you spent the whole afternoon with everyone, and you weren't overwhelmed. And I am so proud that you went to therapy. Believe me, I know nothing, but I understand how that's a little challenging."

He doesn't say anything for a little bit but then he coughs a little painful laugh and shakes his head. "Your soul is too good."

My eyebrows lift in confusion.

I go with it.

"I thought you didn't believe in souls?"

"I believe in souls. I just don't believe I have one."

I smile at that, remembering the beach. "I told you we were soulmates once."

He breathes out amused. "And I told you you were crazy."

"Mm." I hum, comfortable in that memory.

"I have to start going to therapy every day."

I raise my eyebrows surprised. "Oh, what?"

"Um... so, this..." He makes an uncomfortable sound and I stay quiet. "This time like I've had a lot of dreams and thought about a lot of memories that I didn't know I had. Like some really dark shit. And well Edwards wants to go through everything as it's still at the forefront of my mind. Like unpacking all the shit apparently should help."

I nod. "How are you feeling about going through it all?"

He thinks. "It's too much. For my head. Like I want to tell someone. So.."

August hurts my heart. Like every word he says. I hurt.

I am also so God damn proud of him.

"You can always tell me." I say. "If you ever want to."

"I don't want you to know these things Emersyn."

Oh.

I nod. "Okay."

"Not like that-just- they're trained to listen to this shit. You've already seen enough of me like this, I don't need you to know the other insignificant things."

"I just want to be there for you August."

"I know." He says. "You know everything major. It's just other little bits of trauma dotted around that I forgot."

"Okay." I say quietly.

August swallows audibly and he turns to me. "Emersyn why... why do you want to be here? How can you care still when you know how it was last summer?"

I feel like I've already answered that.

"I told you on the beach- you're-"

He sighs. "I know you see us as family. But if Rayne hurt you like I did, would you be there for him too? Like you're going to say yes because you two have so much history so it's not a comparison-"

"It's a good enough comparison August."

"It's not. Our history is bullshit."

I let out an awkward sigh.

"I know."

"So why-"

"Because my feelings weren't bullshit August, yours were. And yours weren't bullshit they were just not reality. But I felt for you what I said I did- I cared about you the way I told you I did."

He lets out a staggered breath.

"So is that why you're here?"

I frown.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you still feel that way?"

My eyebrows shoot up at that. My eyes glaring into the road in front of us. Is he trying to kill us?

I focus on driving.

Do I feel the way I did about August in the summer?

No.

I honestly don't.

"No." I say. "I am not here because of the section of the summer where I was in love with you. I am here because I sat on your spinny chair in your bedroom and you admitted we were friends and I told you that we were now friends for life. That there was no way to get rid of me."

He is silent.

"I may have forgotten that after my poor heart got a little achy breaky but I remember now and well, we get on don't we?" I say. "We're friends."

"We weren't friends before I got this bad though."

"I know." I say. "Because you were being weird and trying to kiss me so I had to put my foot down and stay away."

He exhales a sort of laugh. "I was high..."

"Yeah that's always your excuse. We had a whole ass relationship and you hit me with 'I'm high'."

I turn to him, wondering if we can joke about it yet and the tired half smile on made me grin. I focus back on the road.

"I meant drugs." He says.

"I know. I could tell by the second I looked at you that night."

"And hell, you're hot, what am I supposed to do?"

"Not make moves on the girl who's heart you had broken that summer?"

"I was just horny."

"This isn't helping your case August."

"I am sorry." He says, exhaling a laugh.

"Good. We can be friends now."

"Mhm." He hums. "We'll pretend like you didn't almost kiss me in the car earlier as well I presume."

My lips part. "I almost died! I was emotional."

"Dramatic. But I know." He chuckles and I feel my heart burning.

"It feels really good to hear you laugh August."

"Shush and drive."

Well okay.

"I am going to put music on." He says and turns the radio on. "I won't do it as loud as earlier."

"Thank you." I say gently and then we just sort of ease into silence, the road seemed even longer than usual, the highway into the city from our town but I guess you could say before long August and I were heading along the hall to his flat.

"Trev might be back." I say excited and August nods.

"He'll be up with Luella wont he?"

I shrugged.

I missed Lue so much.

"Maybe, I guess, so."

"Um... I'll help you put his bed back." August says and I nod.

"That would be great because I almost cried carrying it in from his room to yours."

"I still can't see it."

I smiled and unlocked the door, looking around to find luggage. "Trev?" I called.

His suitcase was beside the couch.

No reply.

"He's probably gone to see Luella."

"Mm." August hums and he walks to the kitchen, reaching into his medicine draw and he pauses. It's empty because I was scared of him overdosing.

He looks up at me.

"What do you need?"

"Painkillers?"

"Headache?" I ask and he nods.

"I'll go grab you some."

August just sighs, I think frustrated. But I know it's for the best that he doesn't have access to things so I ignore his frustration and run into Trev's room to go and grab the painkillers, jogging back and realising I need to clear this room up and also I need to move the bed back.

August is sat on the sofa, his in his hands and I pause.

"Is it bad?" I ask.

He sits up and shakes his head. "No, I was just thinking."

"Oh." I walk over and sit beside him and he tosses me his phone.

"Please sort that shit out?"

I smile and nod and when I unlock his phone, my eyes widen at the missed messages. They dated back all the way to August.

"You..."

I don't say anything just hand him the painkillers and I start clearing the messages. I try not to read them, but then I start worrying that they might be important and also I recognise names that make my stomach turn a little and I look up.

I want to know whether he actually did what he said he did.

Whether it was a lie or-

"August?"

He nods.

"Did you really sleep with Nia and that, that week?"

His face drops.

"Should I lie and say no?"

I just look back down at the phone frowning.

"I was just in a bad place."

I smile a little. I know.

"Like one of the major things with mania apparently is risky sexual behaviour. E.g just sleeping around. Like I walked into you and Rayne kissing and I just gathered we were done so I slept with Nia and then we weren't done and it was so weird between us and we were silent but my head was like so much of a mess so I was also sleeping with the girls.."

"Okay." I say. "Why?"

"Why?"

"Like why... why did you sleep with them?"

He blinks at me. "I just told you, because it's a-"

"No then. What was your thought process then? Why would you sleep with them and come and meet me?"

He winces. "I was just highly strung." August says. "I had a lot of energy, I wanted to sleep with them Emersyn I am sorry if-"

"No." I say. "No it's fine. Like- It's in the past and we weren't together, especially at that time but I just wanted to know."

He looks uncomfortable. "When I slept with them, I didn't feel anything."

I nod. Uncomfortable too.

"Like at the time." He says.

I nod again.

"It was different with you, you know that. Like at the time it was different."

I nod. "And now? Like do you categorise that night with the rest of the sex you had that week?"

He rubs his forehead and shakes his head, looking pained and a bit annoyed.

"No."

I think it's time to shut up.

I nod. "I've cleared your messages."

He hasn't replied to any of the girls for months. Like the whole time I was away. August says cheers and takes his phone back and I just relax into the sofa. Thinking about the fact I really do need to move and reorganise Trev's bedroom.

But I can't help but ask.

"Have you slept with anyone since then?"

He raises an unimpressed eyebrow at me.

"That's not really any of your business."

I shrug. "We're friends, friends' gossip. Share things. We talked about girls when we were friends before."

He just rolls his eyes and then shakes his head. "No. Depression sort of kills your sex drive."

Oh.

I nod.

I didn't actually know that.

"What about you?"

August's question surprises me, and I look up. I shake my head slowly.

"Not even Henry?"

I smile at his name but shake my head. "No."

August keeps eye contact and a watch surprised when a tired smirk ghosts his lips. "Prude."

I lift my legs up on the sofa and lay them over his a little, shaking my head at his comment. "Well we know that's not technically true."

He falls back on the arm of the sofa, shaking his head at me and I smile, watching him back and copying his slow head shake.

I laugh at him.

He lifts his leg and places his feet on hip, kicking me so I laugh more and am pushed off the couch. His energy levels are up.

I am on the floor, smiling up at him and August's small smirk disappears as he looks down at me. I sober up too, just looking back and just as August seems to be about to move, there are keys in the door.

I swallow and turn, August looks up. Trev opens the door, Luella trailing behind him and I grin.

"Hey you." I say.

He smiles immediately and he looks between us and gives me a laugh.

"Why'd you look such a mess?"

My lips part. "Trev that's not a very nice thing to say. But for your information it's because August tried to kill us both and we went swimming in the sea and I didn't have clothes or a hair dryer."

I am dressed in my mum's clothes, August in my dad's. My hair a curly mess and even more so now the August had kicked me off the sofa.

"Hey." Luella says to us, walking around T and she plops herself down besides August. Then she slides up to him and he gives her this raised eyebrow look and before long Lue had snuggled under August's arm and was laying besides him on the sofa.

I grinned at her and she smiled back.

"You're up and about huh." Trev says, chuckling at Luella's rare display of affection. August had just moved up so they could lay comfortably together.

Luella had seen August once, asleep in bed. She has been so worried so to see him and me out in the front room and for me to say we'd been out and about she was probably really happy for her friend.

"Yeah." Is all August says. "Can you give Em a hand in moving your mattress back into your room?"

T nods and I jump up, heading to August's room and Trev follows.

"How was the trip T? Was it good?"

"Literally spent the week reading."

"Yeah?" I ask.

"And worrying."

I smile back at him and shut August's door quietly.

The room is a little bit of a state.

I should clean it up.

I will.

"He's um brighter today." I say.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah I don't know If it will last but like- take good days as they come yeah?"

Trev smiles at me and he runs his eyes down me. "Are you doing okay?"

Huh..

"Yeah." I say. "I am good."

"Okay. I just know this is stressful and stress is a trigger so-"

I love T, but he sure does know how to kill my mood sometimes.

"Triggers are different for everyone T."

He nods. "Okay I am sorry I brought it up."

"Sorry for- tensing."

He smiles. "Love you."

I look at him surprised, I don't know if he'd ever said that to me before.

I grinned. "I love you too Trev."

He rolls his eyes at my excitement and nods to the bed. "Right."

"Yeah, yeah, let's do this."

...

Trev and Lue were in his room and I was just drumming my fingers on the wooden desk, waiting for August to come out of the bath.

The door was open.

Like we agreed he'd keep the door open. He said he just felt gross so thought cleaning would help.

I changed the sheets.

It's a lot of effort for me so I was proud of myself. August however wasn't impressed. But well, he wasn't going to do it and I might as well.

I guess I was going home tonight. I had talked to T about everything that I was doing and he said he'd do it.

But I was sort of extremely anxious about this.

August comes out after a while with his towel wrapped around him and I am sat with my arms wrapped around my legs and I balance on the spinny chair, knees to chest.

He pauses when he see me. "Why do you look like that?"

I pull a face.

"What-"

"Like you're stressing."

"I am worried about going home."

He frowns. "You must miss being at your own place?"

I nod.

"I do."

"The issue?"

He sits down on his bed and I am too anxious to look at the fact he probably looks good right now.

I just spin myself around slowly. And again. And again.

"Emersyn you're making me dizzy."

I stop.

"No one's going to be here."

He nods.

"I feel scared August."

He closes his eyes as if that was a bad thing to say and I just sigh. "I am sorry."

"No." He says. "Stop apologising."

I just say nothing.

"Emersyn if you weren't here the last week one of those nights I would have woken up and tried to kill myself again. And I say tried loosely. Like I would have."

God.

I just stare at him.

"Like almost every night I woke up and you were asleep, and I am not stupid, I know you hid things in T's room and I also know I could do anything to... What I am saying is that I woke up, with those thoughts, saw you there, asleep. Peaceful. And I knew I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't do what my mum did to me, to you."

Why do I feel like crying? Like-

"So you being here literally saved my life."

I just try not to sniffle.

"But I am out of that bit now I-"

"I don't trust you." I say gently. "I know I should. But I don't. What if you wake up and you don't see me and you realise that you could- just no."

"Then do you wanna stay here?" August says confused. "I assumed you didn't wanna sleep in my bed with me, considering you lugged a whole ass mattress-"

I shake my head. "I don't... If I don't leave I don't know if I ever will be able to. I think this is separation anxiety."

He laughs at me. Like sort of, it's his version of a laugh. A quick exhale out of his nose.

"Em."

I just send him a stressed look. Pouting my lips. "I am just really worried."

"I'm sorry I'm stressing you out."

I just press my head down on my knees and then I wobble, getting unbalanced and I quickly press my feet to the floor to steady myself. August just looks at me tired.

"Em, I want to sleep so..."

"What if you get thoughts?"

"I always have thoughts."

I shake my head then. "Then how can I-"

"T is here."

"He won't set his alarm to check up on you ever few hours."

"Good that was annoying."

I let out this frustrated noise and he frowns at me.

"This is the stage where I throw myself into my work. Like I ignore the world still but I catch up and just fill my head with math and science and shit. I will be fine."

"You've made it this whole episode without an attempt. Please. Please don't."

"Emersyn I don't want to."

"I am just really worried, maybe I'll just make up a bed.."

"No. No. You need your life back. It's not fair for you to be doing this."

"August." I sigh and just look at him and he stands up, heading towards me and I sort of panic because he's still in a towel and I am very stressed and emotional.

I watch him-

He crouches down in front of me, looking up at my face and my eyes avoid his lower regions because his towel is small and it's scary and I'm blushing already.

Gosh.

"Will it make you feel better if I go and stay with mum and Jackson for a few days?"

I nod immediately.

I asked why Ivy and Jackson didn't just take him home with them a few days ago. Like out of curiosity. It's because he refused. Like before I was involved. He refused.

"Then I'll go back home for a week, catch up with work, well try. I might feel like shit tomorrow who knows."

"You won't." I whisper.