"August how about a shower today?" Ivy asks softly, pressing her hand to his cheek and I watch as he physically tenses.

It's like he fully cannot deal with the touch at the moment.

He was sat up, we had convinced him to sit up and have some food. That if he didn't then we'd have to call the doctors. He didn't respond straight away. But about half an hour later he sat up and ate quite a bit.

He looked awful.

And like that's coming from me who thinks he's annoyingly one of the most attractive creatures that has ever walked this planet.

He looked so bad. Groggy. Grey ish. He just looked so physically unwell and it broke me because I know he is fit, I know he is healthy. Like seeing him like this is a pure representation that mental health has a huge impact on your body, your appearance.

I was sat at the end of the bed. I had just taken back from him the plate of food. Ivy was now sat next to him on the edge of the bed.

August doesn't respond to her question.

But he doesn't reclose his eyes or search for his phone and earphones.

Do you know what was the worst fucking invention?

The fact they got rid of the earphone jack. August can't listen to music and charge his phone at the same time and my God, every other time of the day it's like he doesn't feel anything. At all. He doesn't speak or respond or really even look.

But then his phone will die and it changes. It changes just in the outward stress he projects. He doesn't say anything. But his breathing un evens. His hands come up to his head and I just watched him the first time.

I think it's August's version of an anxiety attack. There's no hyperventilation. No tears. Just distress written across his features.

When this happens I just take away his phone and plug it in and I offered my phone yesterday. Opening playlists for him but he just covered his face with his hands and he fell asleep.

I almost cried.

Then I told myself to get a grip and August showing some form of distress may be better than this state of numbness he is in.

And today the same thing happened and he actually took my phone.

And then well Ivy came and we got him to eat. And I ate too.

Which is more than we have all week.

It's only Thursday. It feels like a lot later.

I look at Ivy who is just watching him.

"Ives will you run a bath?" I ask.

She looks at me.

"It'll be safer for him to have a shower." She says softly.

"I took the shower away."

We look at each other. She just closes her eyes in pain and then nods, getting up and heading into the bathroom.

August lifts his head and I'm almost shocked that he meets my eyes.

"You took the shower hose away?" His voice is horse, throat dry and I feel it hit my ears in shock. Like I was shocked that he spoke. Like projected his voice loud enough to where I wasn't having to concentrate very hard for me to hear him.

I nod. "I did."

"Smart."

I smiled at him a little and he just gave me this exhausted look. It's crazy to me how much he's been sleeping. All last summer he hardly fucking slept.

"Well, I'll have you know, I do have a brain." I say and he just exhales some air out of his nose. He tries to push the covers away from him and then he look at me slightly irritated.

"Get up, you're pinning the duvet down and it's too heavy."

I do as I am told.

"August Jackson removed the locks from your bathroom door. I'm not sure if you were awake for that but just by the way."

He lets out another exhale and stands very very slowly. I watch.

"I am not going to kill myself."

I swallow. Trying to act unaffected. The team said that we should not shy away from this. This is the first time he's talked about what's going on.

"Good." Is my brilliant, well thought out response.

It was all I could think of. And too much time was separating his statement and my response.

"Good?" He repeats.

"Mm it would suck if you did."

I ghost of a smile crosses his features and the delight I felt inside was almost embarrassing. But it's so good. Like the little hint of amusement.

"Not for you." He says.

I raise an eyebrow at that.

It almost had a sarcastic ring to it. I almost wanna agree with him. Joke. But I was scared. But I also knew he wasn't legitimately asking me to prove to him that I would care if he died.

He knows. I sleep on his floor everyday.

"No it would suck. Who am I going to have sexual tension with at family parties when I'm all old and lugging around kids and a husband?"

He exhales and goes over to his drawers. He is looking for something. I don't ask.

He frowns. He goes over to his other drawers.

He looks at me.

"Did you confiscate my weed?"

I smiled a little and I nodded.

He narrowed his eyes faintly.

But he didn't ask for it.

"Emersyn we aren't going to have sexual tension at future family parties."

I throw him an utterly offended look.

"What do you mean? You're telling me that I can't have my little secret tension affair with you even in the future?"

He just looks utterly confused.

"What?"

"Nothing I'm joking." I smile.

"You snore."

I grin.

It's like he's finally awake.

"I do not snore."

"You do."

"Well, you never complained before."

"Thought it was cute before. Now it's just annoying."

I grinned even wider at that and Ivy pulls the door open, looking between us slightly shocked. I was sat on the bed, cross legged watching August and August was leant against his desk.

"August Baby." She says.

August just looks at me in irritation and I try to stifle my laugh.

"Ima clean." He says and goes into the bathroom.

Ivy just looks at me shocked.

"I don't know either." I say honestly. "But he did say he had no intention of killing himself."

She blinks at me. "He doesn't come out of it this early." She says.

I dunno what to say to that.

She stares at the bathroom door and we both sort of increase in worry.

"I feel like he's a little too old for me to force him to let me into the room." She says and I nod.

She looks at me.

"Oh okay." I breath.

"Is that... beyond your two closeness?"

I don't know what she's asking.

But the answer is no.

"No it's okay." I say. And so, I just let myself in. He splashes a little in surprise and I close my eyes as I remain stood facing the door.

"Your mother is forcing me in here okay? I don't mean to be here."

He doesn't say anything. I turn to him and I spread my fingers to look through the gap a little to see him.

He is staring at me unimpressed.

I laugh. I couldn't help it. "August when you stop terrifying everyone you get the right to privacy. Plus, you've sat here whilst I bathed before. It's only fair."

He doesn't say anything so I just sit down on the cold tiled floor and we went shared a silent probably minute. Awkward.

He was naked.

God.

I end up being able to see his face too much in my peripheral and so instead I lie down, back flat again the floor and I stare up at the ceiling.

I heard him slip under water and I turn my head to watch the empty space where his head should be.

It remains empty.

For a second.

Then more seconds.

Then it's been thirty.

Sixty.

Maybe even more and I crawl over quickly, and I close my eyes out of sheer awkwardness, but I pull him up.

August you Shithead.

He is gasping for breath and I just lean my head against the bath in frustration.

"That was annoying." I mumble.

He exhales almost amused and I'd look at him but instead I keep my eyes closed and move back.

"Why are your eyes closed?" He asks, his tone so familiar.

It's the one he uses where he's judging me. Slight entertainment.

I open my eyes and meet his.

"I was trying to give you privacy. I didn't wanna see anything scary."

He blinks at me. "I am pretty such you've seen every part of my scary thing."

I scrunch my nose up immediately and lie back on the floor, covering my face with my hands.

"That comment was unnecessary." I sigh. "I am just trying to make sure you don't drown yourself."

He snorts. "I was just underwater."

I look up.

"That is usually how people drown."

He slips back under water and I couldn't help it, I let out this sound of frustration mixed with stressed laughter and I crawl back over to him.

He sits back up before I can get to him and I just huff and lie back down, slightly closer.

"Head above water." I state.

"Ok I've woken up in a weird mood."

I look up at him then. "Can you explain?"

"It's sort of funny. The idea of me trying to kill myself and you stopping me. Like why is that funny to me right now?"

I don't know how to reply to that.

I just look at him my jaw dropped and he gestures to my face.

"I assume that means that it's not actually funny and I'm just fucked?"

I snort. "August." I groan.

"Mental right?"

"Leo, clean."

He sighs and does as I say. His energy levels seeming weirdly high as he half-heartedly makes an effort to wash himself.

I just rub my eyes in exhaustion. I know he seems better. But I think that's the more dangerous time isn't it?

He waits in the bath for a little while. As if struggling to find the motivation to get out and then he just pulls himself to his feet.

I look away.

Body.

Golly.

He reaches for a towel and then he looks at me. "I'm going to be sick."

I look at him shocked.

Wait. Why?

"Really?"

"Yes so-"

He points to the door.

I shake my head. I can't leave you.

He just narrows his eyes at me in frustration and then I watch utterly shocked, and taken back and also I am not going to lie, it kinda makes me feel queasy, when he walks straight over to the toilet and throws up.

I just stare at the back of his head shocked.

Then I open the bathroom door to ask for a bottle of water for him.

Ivy isn't in the room.

I call for her.

She comes in and I explain. She just nods a little and grabs us water and then she grabs him some tablets that she says will help settle his stomach. I give them to him and he just sits by the toilet looking utterly done with life.

Which I know is an amusing expression but with August it's sort of a scary illustration of what's going on inside his head.

I just sit beside him.

"It's cos I ate too much after not eating." He explains to me.

I nod a little and push the water bottle up to his mouth.

"Drink."

He takes a sip and spits it out into the bowl as if it was mouth wash.

I just try not to pull a face.

Like I wish I could be like grossness doesn't gross me out but I am not going to lie. It's gross.

He lays his head down on the seat and that's when I choose to intervene.

"Alright." I say. "Nope come on." I say. "Up you get."

He looks at me.

"You done being sick?" I ask.

He shrugs.

"Let's get you back into bed yeah?"

"Still naked here."

His towel had fallen as he was sat and I hadn't even noticed.

"Yeah well I don't find you attractive anymore so it's okay. I won't jump you." I was smiling, poking a little at him and he just makes an almost amused noise from his throat.

"If I didn't feel so shit, I might challenge that statement."

I smiled. "Come on. Wash your hands. Teeth. Let's-"

He goes to rest his forehead back down on the toilet seat as in Emersyn you don't understand the effort those things take. So I just make a noise of protest and stop his head from falling.

"Okay." I say getting up and I search his bathroom for antibacterial wipes or something and I wipe his hands and his forehead.

It feels um slightly strange to be touching him. But he was compliant. I even got mouth wash and he used that instead of brushing his teeth.

Which is fine.

I guess.

Ivy brought him in some clothes at the same time I was holding his head in my hands and wiping his face.

She raised an eyebrow at me and I just ignore her, taking the clothes for him when they are passed to me.

I pass them to him.

"August can I get you to drink a protein shake or something? A smoothie? I am worried you're not getting any-"

He pulls a face and I pull one too because no way in hell would I be able to drink something like that after I was sick.

"Ivy?" I ask. "Is there something you used when Jack was detoxing?"

She told me about that last night.

I am sort of in love with their story now. She told me like her whole life story. We were up just talking for hours. Until she left and I returned to find August still fast asleep in bed.

"What do you mean?"

"Like energy drinks? To keep his hydration up? Something like that? Or can you ask mum? She might know."

"No. No. That's a smart idea Honey. I know what he needs."

I nod. Kinda looking at her expectantly. I mean she can get me a list but like- if she know what she's looking for...

"Right I will pop out." She says. "Then I will need to go."

"That's fine." I say softly. "I am here."

"You don't have a social?" She asks. "You said you did?"

I shake my head. "There's only a few going so I wont miss much."

She just frowns at me but nods.

August goes to lean his head back down again and I tut.

"August so many germs." I say. "Come on."

He just sort of slowly, as in painfully slowly gets dress and shakily follows me out into the bedroom. He looks at the mattress on the floor.

"Where's T?"

I smile. "He's in London. He tried to come back. But he couldn't afford the ticket."

August just looks puzzled.

"Did you move this on your own?"

I grin.

"I am super woman."

"Right."

He falls down into his bed, returning into his cocoon of depression and I sit at the corner of his he bed, checking his phone charge. Annoyed for him that it was still low.

"I might get you an adaptor so you can do both." I say.

"You should go out. Wherever it is that mum just said."

I shake my head. Looking round to him. "I don't want to. I went out yesterday anyway. You just weren't present to notice."

He closes his eyes.

As if utterly exhausted.

I leave his bed and fall down on my own on the floor. It was comfy as.

I occasionally realise that the whole of Luella and T's relationship has happened on this mattress, but I try to block it out.

I open my laptop and decide to go shopping. I wanted a double adaptor for his phone. So he could charge it but also listen to music.

I find it and cringe at the price.

Admittedly, I send the link to our family group chat. The one without August and Lottie in. It's just about August. Communication.

I explained why he might need this.

My dad text back saying ordered.

I smiled.

August moves a little in his bed so his face was far enough over towards me that he could see me.

I raised an eyebrow in hello.

"You need something?"

"I need you to go."

"Why?"

"Thoughts." Is all he says and I nod.

"Explain the thoughts?" I ask.

"Nope."

I search his eyes.

"How bad?" I ask.

"I feel numb."

I nod.

"As in I don't feel anything towards anyone."

I nod again, trying to find his point.

"As in no loyalties, no need to care if they'd be sad. Like I feel so fucked right now. I know I should care. But I don't."

Oh God okay.

"Are you in danger?" I ask.

"No because you won't leave."

I smile a little. "That's right. You're stuck with me."

"All I see when I close my eyes is my mum's body. And the blood. Like there was so much."

I am slightly shocked by this statement. This statement that was said without any ounce of emotion.

He was the one to find his mum when she committed.

I nod.

"That must be scary."

He pulls the covers up and cocoons himself so only his eyes uncovered.

He keeps eye contact the same time.

"Is it? Is that what it's supposed to feel like? Fear?"

"It's a trauma memory."

He makes a noise.

"I am so confused why you are here."

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't we fall out?"

I smiled a little and nodded. "We did."

"Because I kissed you."

"You didn't kiss me." I say gently. "I slapped you."

He chuckles a little and my eyes widen at that noise. "You left a handprint."

"I did?" I gasp.

I hear Ivy re-entering the flat and before long she comes through the door with a shopping bag. She gets things out and August sort of just ignores her presence in one second and then acknowledges that she is also here In the following one.

Which turns out to be slightly awful for me.

"Yeah, you hit hard." He says.

Ivy pauses slightly.

"I panicked."

"Fair enough. I was high. Like illegally high, mentally low." He snorts. "It's a combination."

"I know." I say.

He looks at me. "Were we friends before that?"

I look at him confused.

He just moves a little in the duvet. "I feel so fucking disassociated right now I feel like I can ask anything I want and it not actually by happening."

I look at Ivy. She flicks her eyes to me.

He looks at Ivy. "Do you hate that I am like this?"

We both stare shocked.

August looks at me. "Do you hate that I fucked you and then turned out to be crazy?"

My literal jaw drops.

My only choice was to laugh.

Like that's the only way I could deal with that.

Ivy just looks equally as shocked.

He looks between us.

"Can you hear me?" He asks.

God he is so- confused?

She gets a bottle of vitamin D drink out of the bag and walks over to the bed to him.

"No August I do not hate you. I love you. You know that." She says and she unscrews the cap and helps him to drink some. "He might just be a little delusional due to dehydration." She says to me.

I nod.

"That was embarrassing." I share and she just looks round and she shakes her head at me.

"Don't be embarrassed Emersyn. Believe me, you have nothing to be embarrassed for ever. Especially when it's me and you."

I nod.

"I appreciate you so much." She says and August nods a little.

I will him not to talk.

"So mum..." He says and Ivy looks down. "Em says I'm not allowed to kill myself because she wants to fuck me at a family party many years into the future."

Oh my god.

"I did not say that." I hiss. I pause. "I meant an innocent flirtation. I am not actually going to cheat on my husband."

He smiles a little. "Well damn."

"Mm." I hum back, shaking my head at him.