Having August whisper close to me was not- Not giving me the Christmas cheer I wanted.

It was driving me insane and I honestly hated myself for it. I don't know whether I was uncomfortable because I wanted to get as far away from him as possible or because his literal proximity was making me remember that I didn't want that.

That there was a weird pull. A pull I am pretty sure I just make up in my head.

We were sat on the couch, he and Rayne angled towards me as I held the notepad in my hand. He was bored. It was evident. But he was being helpful. He was just also upsettingly close.

"'Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents' is the opening line from which classic book?" Lottie asks and I sigh, writing down the title before even looking at the boys.

It's Little Woman.

"Wait for the options?" Rayne laughs and I shake my head, knowing already anyway.

The options A,B,C and D are read out and Rayne just goes "So you sure?"

"It's D." August nods to Rayne, agreeing with me.

I look at him. I want to ask if he's read it. I don't really need that information, so I look back to Lottie and she flashes us one last grin.

"Okay and final question." She says, drawing out the Nn sound.

"What astronomical body is famously described in the poem by James Joyce?"

I freeze and look up at Lottie, confused.

"What relevance does this have to Christmas?" August asks, his voice dripping of cold amusement.

Lottie just grins. "You're giving the answer away you goon."

I guess she gathered people with think star because like- a Christmas quiz.

But it's not. It's a moon.

I look up and he starts to talk again and this time it was from a book, a little passage where the author was describing the moon.

"Her antiquity in preceding and surviving succeeding tellurian generations: her nocturnal predominance: her satellitic dependence: her luminary reflection: her constancy under all her phases, rising and setting by her appointed times, waxing and waning: the forced invariability of her aspect: her indeterminate response to inaffirmative interrogation: her potency over effluent and refluent waters: her power to enamour, to mortify, to-"

I turn to him. His voice was deep and his quiet tones almost romantic. Why was he showing me he knew this?

"I get it August. Joyce, right? His description of the moon is beautiful."

"Emersyn, James Joyce could have been describing you."

I look at August. "Did you tell her about that?"

He lazily drags his eyes from his little sister and takes the pen from me, leaning close and writing the word 'moon' on the paper as she reads out the options.

He looks up at me and I lean away a little, pressing into Rayne.

"I don't know what you're on about." Is all he says, and a small exhausted smile drags my lips slightly up.

"I am not surprised."

August frowns and he looks up to Rayne who is sat there sulking. We didn't need him for any of the questions.

"Are we going to see Nanni in the morning still?" August says quietly and Lottie starts to collect papers up. She likes to score them at the end.

She tells everyone to go and get an drink, that we aren't done yet but it's a little break and everyone laughs at her but do as we are told.

Well I do.

I get up and head straight into the kitchen.

I want wine.

I reach into the cupboard and bring down a glass. I was offered wine earlier, I said no. I would prefer it now.

I poured into my glass some red wine. My mum had followed me.

"Ivy and Jackson have a cream rug." She states and I laugh.

"I am not that clumsy, plus I will finish the glass before I put it down anyway."

She laughs a little and walks towards me, placing her glass down on the counter and she nods to the glass.

I pour her a glass of red too.

"We don't usually drink here.'' I say quietly.

"Mhm." She hums. "Jackson insisted that we all might need a little something to get through tonight."

My eyebrows shot up and I move closer. "He's-"

He doesn't drink. She interrupts me.

"No." she laughs and brings her glass to her lips. "Just us, mainly August. You."

I just pull a face. "It's cool."

"Your hands are shaking a little much for it to be cool baby."

I just shush her. "It's fine. His proximity is just a little intense." I admit. It's my mum.

Who's she going to tell?

Well in reality she'll tell my dad and my dad with tell Ivy and Ivy will tell Jackson and then Jackson will probably tell Lottie and Lottie will continue to torture me how she has been.

Or maybe I am being dramatic.

Either way I decide to take a sip of my wine. Sip/gulp. She looks at me sympathetically.

"Em when I was poorly my illness didn't really touch my relationship with your dad. Like I was obsessed with other things. Not-"

"Let's not." I shut it down immediately and Ivy jogs into the kitchen, heading to check the pies and when she sees us she slows down.

"Emmy baby you good?"

"Yeah." I say. I am. I just wear emotions on my face and talking to August makes my face crinkle in a constant state of stress.

It's fine.

"Good, then come on then. Dots is going to start shouting and I couldn't even deal with my own teenage attitude, let alone hers." Ivy says grinning at us and turning the oven off.

Apparently, Ivy was not a nice teenage girl. I find it hard to believe considering how lovely she is.

Anyway, me and mum follow behind Ivy and back into the room and August had moved over a little, upsettingly taking up more of the sofa space and I look at the hard wood floor, the rug closer and so I just sit down on the floor, leaning my back against the sofa and Rayne laughs at me. "Em we were gonna make room."

"Here is good." I admit.

I feel comfier, I lean my head back onto the sofa cushion and stare at Lottie.

Lottie grins.

She's a natural performer. She loves all the attention on her, she loves running the show.

I dunno what we were doing, like charades apparently. But Lottie is a slight weirdo so instead of being about having to act it out, she makes you sit in a chair and you're not allowed to move a muscle other than your lips.

So you can talk and try and get the other person on your team to guess but you can't say what the card said and you can't move.

We do this every year.

It's funny because Dad always moves and mum always shouts at him about the fact he can't ever just 'sit fucking still'. They're competitive.

Mum goes first and she has to describe the word to dad. Each team gets two minutes to get through the most words. Lottie whispers them in your ear when you're on the chair.

She also picks who is in the chair and who stays on the coach.

I am just finishing my glass of wine amused, as my mum shouts across the room at my dad.

She's trying to describe mistletoe. I caught onto that immediately.

My dad however.

"You kiss under it you ape!"

"An alter?" My dad questions and my mum lets out a frustrated cry that makes us all laugh loudly.

"Colton, white balls, it's a plant. It has green leaves. You kiss under it!"

"Um. Um." He's smirking. "Oh ha Mistletoe yeah?"

We all cheer for him and my mum face palms. Then we all laugh loudly because she's not allowed to move and her turn is up, like they only got one.

"Okay Dad. Up." Lottie demands and he just chuckles, coming up and sitting on the chair, facing Ivy.

Lottie leans in and whispers something in his ear and he grins.

"My favouri-"

"Polar express." Ivy shouts and we all laugh at her excitement.

Lottie whispers another.

"Um, you tried to make them once. Houses. They collapsed. Um, Rayne ate all the frosting and was sick-"

"Oh Ginger bread..."

Jackson eggs her on with his eyebrows, not being able to gesture more.

"Houses. Ginger bread houses!"

He chuckles and Lottie whispers another in his ear.

"Um we three..." He says. Ivy looks confused.

"Are destined..."

"No." he snorts. "They went to visit baby Jesus."

"Cows!"

"no."

"Shepherds!"

"No Ives-"

"Um... The angels!"

"No Ivy listen." Jackson says. "They brough gold and-"

"OH KINGS!" Ivy exclaims. "You should have just said that."

Lottie whispers another into Jackson's ear. He chuckles. "You pull it, and it explodes."

Ivy looks disgusted. "That's a little inappropriate for a family Christmas game Lottie Dots."

Lottie looks mortified and even August laughs a little behind his bottle of beer.

I lean back, giving my glass to Rayne so he can put it on a coaster. I rest my head back on the sofa cushion, my ass still by both the boys feet on the floor and I start to feel a small tug on my hair.

I go to tell Rayne to bug off and then I freeze.

"I didn't mean that." Jackson says. "You get a hat in it, a little toy... a joke?"

"I am still hearing penis."

"Mum!" Lottie cries and Ivy just throws her hands in the air, making my mum laugh and my Dad wraps an amused arm around my mum, she settles into his side and watches the whole Ivy and Jackson ordeal unfold.

"Hon, you put It on the table."

"I for sure hope you don't."

"Ivy!" Jackson exclaims. "You startle when we pull them every year. At Christmas lunch."

"Oh! Crackers. Crackers!"

August is twirling a strand of my hair around his finger.

I should pull away.

Fuck.

"Okay this one you need to get Ivy.."

She curses him. "I got all the ones before."

"After a-"

The buzzer goes off and we all laugh at them.

Secretly I am enjoying that the music has turned to Taylor Swift somehow and no one has noticed to turn it back to Christmas music.

I also have goosebumps.

"How many did they get?" I ask Rayne, turning my head a little and the small sensation stops.

Rayne looks at me. "Four I think."

I lean my head back so I can see August as well.

"We can beat this."

He gives me a small nod, nodding to the chair and I go to get up.

Lottie shakes her head at me.

"No August." She commands.

"Let Em." August says.

Lottie glares. "August. It's the one way it's fair, Rayne and Em will knew immediately what the other means."

August just lets out an annoyed breath and slides up, taking a swig of his drink and then he makes it to the chair.

"Okay no moving August." Lottie says and she looks at us both. "You two can't talk to each other. Just have to shout out answers."

I nod.

Whatever.

August is looking straight at Rayne and Lottie whispers something into his ear.

The timer starts.

"Rayne we used to watch it as a kid."

"Um, we used to watch everything as a kid."

He huffs. "Dad's favourite Christmas film."

Rayne looks panicked. "I don't know what Aiden's-"

"I meant Jackson's favourite film." August says and my eyes go over to Ivy and Jackson who look slightly surprised but very very happy.

"Oh um, he just said it. Errr..." Rayne flusters.

August's frustration with Rayne makes him look at me.

"Polar express." I say.

"Yes right film, but it's a character. The- It's your favourite."

My eyes widen and I just blurt my favourite. "The homeless man ghost."

"Yes." August says and my family cheer enthusiastically and I laugh, Lottie whispers into his ear another and he doesn't even look at Rayne this time.

"We watched it." He says and I swallow. This is hurtful. "We watched it um when you were really hungover. Tim Burton."

"Oh the nightmare before Christmas."

They cheer for us a little, Lottie whispers another. He closes his eyes in annoyance and then opens them., eye contact intense. "What Trev called you."

"Baby Em?" I blurt and then we exchange a shocked look because that is not what Trev calls me.

It's what August used to say.

"I mean Baby blue?"

"No No." August says. "The first time."

I frown. Christmas associations.

"Oh angel."

Lottie whispers another.

Our whole family are just, a lot quieter than we were. They're just watching.

I feel like a little dizzy.

August just carries on. "It's what you and Rayne were drinking when I walked in on you kissing."

Our families faces.

"We weren't-" I start.

August sighs. "Focus."

"Hot chocolate." Rayne says and August smiles a little, Lottie leans in quickly.

August's eyes are still on mine.

"Your favourite weather."

"Snow." I say easily and people cheer when the timer goes off because well we clearly won that.

I exchange a smile with Lottie.

She looks awfully smug and I just feel a little overwhelmed.

I stand and lean over to grab my glass, pretending that I am going for a refil but instead I put my glass on the kitchen side and slip out into the hall to slip some shoes on and my coat.

I slide some sliders over my feet, probably Rayne's, I have stockings on so it's okay and I wrap my coat around me. I can hear everyone else laughing and talking in the front room and I just head back towards the back door through the kitchen.

I just needed a breather.

Pathetically so.

Was I being pathetic?

I honestly don't know. I was over it. Like I am over it. I just hurt right now so I guess I am not over it.

Or maybe it will always hurt a little.

I don't know.

I am outside now, sat down on a little icy step. The clouds above me were tinged with a strange orangish colour, the moon glowing behind them and the only words I can think of are snow.

The door opens behind me and I know it's August.

I wish I couldn't feel that it was him, but I do.

"Emersyn."

I just keep looking up.

I don't know what to say.

"Why did you follow me out?" I ask.

He doesn't say anything for a few second then comes and sits down next to me. He had put his coat on, his shoes.

August looks down. "Oh it was you who stole my shoes."

I look down at the large shoes I was wearing. "I thought they were Rayne's sorry."

He doesn't say anything and his warmth is literally radiating out of him. Like literal warmth, he's technically emotionally a little cold right now. It's cold as hell out here.

I look up to the sky again.

"Lottie is counting up the scores now."

"We definitely won." I say.

"Mhm. It's going to snow." He says, following my eyes to the clouds.

"Hopefully. It is Christmas."

Silence.

August sighs and looks at me. "I thought you were okay."

I frown dropping my gaze from the sky to him. "Pardon?"

"With what happened, I thought you were okay..."

I pull a face and look towards the garden. "I am."

"Needing to escape is not very fine Emersyn behaviour."

I feel not okay. "Well shoving memories down my throat makes fine Emmy not very fine."

He sighs- "It was just a game."

Funny.

I look at him. "That's how I feel, about everything that happened. As if you were playing with me."

He closes his eyes slightly and then reopens them. "Emersyn-"

"No like I know. I know you didn't mean to, that you didn't mean it. But that is how it feels and usually when someone else has you feeling like this you can hate them. Blame them. But I can't with you because it wasn't your fault."

"You can hate me if you want."

I let out a small laugh at that. "I want to."

"I told you Emersyn." He starts slowly. "The whole way through. I know what I let happen, happened and when I did have those slip ups it was because of the mania and not having good impulse control. But the whole summer I told you that you were too young for me, that you were too innocent, that I didn't see you like that."

I. Just. Hurt.

August continues. "And you were the one-"

I swivel around to him. "Please don't blame my own heart ache on me."

He shuts up.

"I know August. I know that already you ass."

He sighs and his eyes dart between my eyes.

"I am just saying I didn't just tell you I loved you and then take it back, at no point did I even say I had feelings for you."

I think I am going to cry and I sort of hate him for it. I stare down at the ground.

"I am so sorry for what happened." He says. "But I told you I couldn't love you back."

Is that really the issue here?

I feel something wet hit my face and I cringe, thinking a tear from my burning eyes had fallen, instead another hits my face and I realise it's very slowly starting to snow.

I look at him. "I don't think I thought at any moment that you loved me August. But you know I loved you so... what are you doing?"

"Me?" He asks. "I am just trying to see if you are ok."

"By telling me that you never had feelings for me? By telling me that it is my own fault? By practically writing I told you so in the air and throwing it at me?"

He sighs. "Well, I didn't say I was being successful in my attempts of niceness, did I?"

I just sigh and stand up, looking at him in utter- just- upset. He upsets me.

"It's Christmas. I don't want to argue with you." I say.

"I wasn't the one getting angry."

"Yeah it's a Christmas miracle." I mutter.

He lets out a huff. "Uncalled for."

"Is it though?"

"Emersyn."

I just sigh. "God August, we were so close. And I know we weren't, I know that it was your own brain messing with you and then consequently messing with me but I know you, you know me-" I gesture inside and my eyes widen when I see my parents in the kitchen.

They weren't looking. But they would have seen us outside.

"Clearly from that little fucking game- we know each other. And so yeah, I am angry and I am a little upset and I was just composing myself before coming back inside and pretending I don't know you."

He sighs. "Emersyn I thought you were okay, like we've been friendly-ish all night, you-"

August pauses.

"I what-"

"You were happy, you were with the other guy, so I assumed you were okay-"

I press my fingers to my temples, I am cold, the snow is getting a little heavier, just so now it's clearly noticeable. "August I am okay. I am fine. I was just a little overwhelmed with the memories and so I needed air."

"You were the one who brought up our memories the other night." August says. "I assumed it was okay to do that."

I roll my eyes. "August I was the one that was hurt by this. You didn't feel anything for me remember? It shouldn't matter if I bring up something to you. Surely? But you did hurt me and so it makes sense if I get a little sensitive when you remind me of thongs like when we stayed in bed all day or-"

"Right because I feel nothing huh?" August says.

I stare at him and my anger rises a little.

"How would I know what you feel, felt? How would I know?" I snap.

"And how would you expect me to know either Emersyn?"