Okay so

And

Trev was just getting another coffee for us both and I was drumming my fingers anxiously against the table. He had just asked me where Lue's head was at.

So I asked for another coffee. He looked slightly taken back but nodded, getting up and ordering us two more coffees.

We were in this cute coffee shop which apparently everyone goes to at Uni, it was in the city that's why I didn't know about it. Trev wasn't back at home yet, he was going to stay in town from the 23-27th and then head back to the flat.

We had carefully avoided the topic of August and Luella for the past hour we had been together. But apparently T wanted to address the elephant in the room. Luella had told me she broke things off with him yesterday. She softly suggested that he might need a friend so If I was still planning to invite him out for coffee to please do so.

"So." Trev said, placing my coffee down in front of me and he took a sip of his as he sat back down.

I smiled.

"Lue got with other guys?" He asks.

The darkness under his eyes suggested to the emotional distress that he was pretty good at hiding.

I nodded. "She told you that."

He swallows. "Sorta just gathered she was trying to push me away."

I smile gently. "Did you not get with...?"

An awkward laugh leaves his lips. "Nope."

"I am sorry." I say immediately, outstretching my hand for his and he smiles and shakes his head as if he was being ridiculous. He was hurting.

"No we discussed it. It's fine, like we weren't together. It's just..."

"Just is a little painful?" I finish for him and he shrugs, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Are you two okay?" I ask.

"I am a little fucked off." Trev says and I nod, drinking a little.

"But we're fine. She knows where I am if she needs me."

"I think she just needs some space." I say.

"Blue, she just had three months of space."

I cringe. "Oh..."

"She needs to grieve for Grey." He says. "I did my grieving, I miss him, but I know he's gone and I know he's in a better place than he ever was. But it's like Lue is waiting for him to just come back."

I nod. I understand how it seems like that. "She does need time, like she's doing so much better Trev, she's finally in the mind set where she wants to get her life together and-"

"And I am just not a part of that."

"Yeah. But she loves you." I tell him. "Like- she missed you so much."

"Em if she missed me she wouldn't be forcing even more space between us."

I frown. She did miss him.

"It is just complicated."

He smiles a little and nods. "Yeah it is."

"I am going ice skating tonight." I say. "You wanna come?"

He raises an eyebrow at me. "Who are you going with."

I smile back. "Well... Rayne and his potential love interest and then the potential love interest's friend."

He gives me a look. "So a double date."

I exhale in stress. "I know, oh goodness, you wanna come though?"

He laughs at me, breaking out in a grin. "No baby blue. And what's got you all nervous. Luella may have mentioned that it wasn't just her having fun across Europe."

I blush. "Well travelling and free spirited Emmy is different than Sampson towney Emmy."

"But this isn't Towney Em, this is travelled, confident and breathtakingly beautiful Em."

My blush deepens. "I think you are too nice to me."

"Yeah well Luella pied me off, may as well flirt with her friends and get her angry."

"Trev!" I exclaim and he laughs loudly, making me laugh too but I sort of awkwardly frown at him. "You don't mean that do you?"

"No I don't." He smiles. "But you are beautiful Em, so why are you stressing?"

"Because looks doesn't have anything to do with this." I frown, confused how we got onto this. "It's a random guy and I don't just sporadically date."

"Well just try it." He shrugs. "One date, especially a double date, doesn't mean anything. You might just meet a new friend; you need more friends."

My lips part. "I have friends."

"I have not met a single one of your friends that I didn't know before I knew you."

"Well- well." I stumble a little. "Yeah okay I need more friends."

Trev laughs and pushes a hand through his dark hair. "Not keeping in contact with the people you met then?"

I laugh at his prying tone. "I have their socials."

"Does Luella have their socials?"

"T." I laugh with a mixture of amusement and sympathy. "Stop."

"I will, I will."

I smile but as soon as a moment of quietness passes us he cringes and looks at me.

"So like- when she said 'get with' did you like get with people or like kiss people or-"

"Me?" I ask in confusion.

"Um yeah... or her-"

I roll my eyes. "Trev, I am not going to tell you that."

He sighs and takes a gulp of his coffee.

She got with a few guys, it wasn't anything major. We probably only spent three nights apart the whole trip.

"Okay well give me some gossip about you then."

I roll my eyes. "T."

"Tell me about your European romances Emersyn, let me live vicariously through you."

I smile, amused and shake my head.

His eyes narrow. "Please."

"Trev." I groan. "I only like kissed a few people."

"Just kissed?"

Well...

"I didn't sleep with anyone." I say truthfully.

"And Emmy remains a virgin."

My eyebrows raise. Then an easy, carefully placed smile falls onto my lips. Okay then.

"We just met a few groups of travellers, same age as us and like went back to their places a few times and then like met up with them again in different cities. We went to a ski resort with another group, that was one of my favourite places."

"And what are these boys names?"

I shrug.

"You don't know?" Trev exclaims amused and I laugh, shaking my head.

"No I do."

Charlie. Noé.

"It's just like unimportant." I tell him. "It was fun."

T smiles. "Well I am glad."

I nod. "Thanks."

"I am sorry about things getting messy with you and-"

I frown as Trev says his name, looking down into my milky coffee.

"Have you talked to him?" T asks.

I nod. "Yeah things are- cleared."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm." I hum, giving him a smile.

"So we're having a party for the new year." T says. "Obviously you are invited."

I raise an eyebrow. "Have you told him this?"

He nods. "August doesn't care."

Sounds like him.

"Thank you for inviting me but well, I think I am going to stay away from your flat."

He pulls a face. "But you like my flat."

"I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Rayne's going." Trev says persuasively.

"Bet Lue isn't."

"Well I didn't exactly have a chance to invite her before she dumped me, but I am inviting you."

I was no way shape or form going to a party at theirs.

"I am sorry but I'm taking a break from parties anyway." I say.

"Yeah?"

I nod.

"Are you going to try and work things out with August?" Trev asks.

I frown.

"What do you mean?"

"Like- you said you'd cleared things up but what does that mean?"

"Um, we've just established that things happened because he wasn't like okay."

He nods. "Like that morning."

"Everything." I correct. "And what do you know about-"

He shrugs. "He just said he was out of touch with reality, that he said some really fucked up things to you apparently. And what do you mean everything?"

I blink. August told him what he said? "Like- okay so August and I were really close in the end. But things had been like that the whole summer, like him pulling me to him and then pushing me away. He told me that everything happened was because he wasn't ok."

Trev rolls his eyes. "He's just pushing people away."

I frown at that. "No T, I figured that out for myself anyway."

"So, he never said it?"

"No, he did."

Trev shakes his head at me. "Things don't work like that. Like okay, so he was sick but you two were like- together- weren't you?"

I pull a face at him, growing a little hot under my jumper.

"T."

"I just mean, mania doesn't make you have feelings for someone."

I pull a face. "It can do." Trev pulls a face back.

"Surely not."

"No literally T, it's a thing. A symptom."

"Okay but." He says. "You two became friends before anything happened, like he didn't just suddenly fall head over heals for you Emersyn, the whole time he was saying he couldn't be with you, that he shouldn't. That wasn't like mania is it? Like he was in control then."

"Until he wasn't. In those moments we were close Trev most of them came when he was worked up or like when he just decided to fuck it."

"Emersyn but what about the times when he wasn't?"

"He was in a high. He was slowly creeping into mania. I talked to Rayne about this, August's doctors said he must have just been triggered by his medication, a slow increase from stable to feeling okay, then hypomania, then mania, and then the state of like psychosis he was in."

"But that doesn't mean you two weren't friends, or like-"

"Trev this conversation is hurting me."

He immediately stops talking. He frowns at me.

"I am sorry."

I nod, looking down. Everyone seems to have an opinion. Which I guess is fair enough, we didn't hide things from people. He'd easily kiss me in front of them. It's just, so much happened that people aren't aware about. The talks, the intimacy, the secrets shared. And in those moments August was focused, he was calm, relaxed. So yeah Trev, who the fuck knows what was real and what wasn't?

"I was just wondering whether you are mad at him. Whether you are going to go back to trying to be his friend?"

I laugh a little at that. "I don't want to have any contact with him T."

His eyebrows lift a little surprise.

"But it's not because I am mad. It's just because I was so hurt by it all. And it's not his fault. Like I knew what I was doing, I mean I didn't know that it would all fall apart the way it did, but August made it clear that the way I felt towards him was more than what he felt towards me. At the time. That wasn't a secret."

Trevor frowns at me. "But-"

"No, I don't... I don't feel the need to talk about this anymore T. I just wanna go on living my life. I am not going to try again with August because me trying to be friends with him ended disastrously last time. And I know I would probably catch feelings again. I don't need that. I healed already."

He again, pulls another face at me and I just shake my head amused at his attitude.

"So if you knew that you were going to get hurt anyway, why did you..." T trails off. "Why did you let it happen?"

I just wrap my arms around myself. "Because I loved him. Because I was being selfish. Because I thought no matter what would happen, I would be left with the memories. But I was ignorant and naïve."

"Ignorant?"

"I underestimated how much pain was possible from heart break."

"Em-" Trev says, sympathy in his voice and I just smile a little.

The sympathy is funny.

The thing is, I don't want to talk about all of this, Luella and I talked about it. A lot. We figured it all out, ordered it, tackled the pain in an organised fashion.

But I guess to everyone else, like Trev, Rayne, even August. I just disappeared, no conversations were had with them about the actual depth of relationship August and I had. In any phone call, it was always about August's recovery.

Not my recovery. So maybe they just don't think I went through one.

But I did.

"Trev it's over, things weren't what they seemed and I fucked up thinking they were more than what they were. I can't be angry with him because that is unfair. But it doesn't make me want to be around him either."

"It's not his fault." Trev says gently. "You can't resent him for what happened, you can't just decide that because he has bipolar that everything that happened between you two didn't happen." I love Trev because I know he's not coming from a harsh place. He's genuinely curious. He's genuinely coming from a place of love for me and for August. But he's just out of touch.

"Trev he said he didn't mean it. That everything that happened happened because he was manic. Look, I get it. But August doesn't want me to around him either."

T rolls his eyes. "He just pushes people away."

"No Trev, the reason why he let me in, why he acted the way he did towards me was because he wasn't himself. That means now that he is himself, I don't even know him and that person he is right now, hated me as a kid. God T there's a whole deeper history here anyway. August as in stable, medicated August, does not like me. He never did."

Trev just frowns. "But then you became friends."

I let out a stressed breath. "Us becoming friends may just have been because he was in early stages of a high."

"But how do you know that?"

"Look I don't know that ok? I don't. I don't know whether any of what happened would have happened if August wasn't in a high. I don't know. I don't know which memories of ours are real and which ones aren't. So it's easier to just assume they all aren't."

"But they were real to you."

Yes I know this.

"Exactly. That's why no, I won't go to your flat, no I wont try and be mates with him, no I wont try and talk to him. Not only does he not want that, but neither do I. I may have grown Trev but I am not grown enough to voluntarily spend time around someone who I loved with my whole heart ok? Like you ever experienced heart ache that literally feels like it does when it's described it books?"

Trev shakes his head.

That's because we all know him and Lue will end up together. Even them.

"I have." I say gently. "I promise. It doesn't make you want to spend time in their presence."

"Okay." He says. He nods. "Shit Em, this got intense. I am sorry."

"It's okay, I like intense conversations. Plus, I am not as derailed as I would have been a month ago, and like a month before that this type of conversation would have made me blubber. Like look, dry eyes."

I gesture to my face and he smiles at that and nods.

"I am so proud."

"Good." I say. "You should be. I worked hard."

"So did he."

I nod. "I know. I am happy he's okay-"

"Emersyn do you really think he's okay?"

I frown. "Well he's not manic anymore, he knows what happened, he's at home, he-"

"No I just mean. Look if you don't how what was real or not... imagine how it must be for him. He probably has no idea. So yeah, I guess it's easier for the both of you to just assume that nothing was real and go your separate ways but what If it was real?"

I swallow. "I feel like you're deflecting your Luella hurt onto my life."

He smiles. "Oh I so am. But I am serious. August isn't magically fixed Em. Like he's not back to that guy who used to walk around numb. Which I am guessing is the guy you think he is. He's up and down, they're figuring his medication out to like get the right balance or something I don't know and one week he's fine and one week he's a mess and another week I don't even see him because he's in his room-"

"T this is his personal information, you shouldn't just share."

"Emersyn you know him. You practically lived at ours this summer, how can you say that he's not any of your business?"

Because it's not.

I swallow and again my throat hurts so bad. I take a sip of my drink and it eases a little.

"I just mean... he has you, he has Lue, he has Rayne, he has my dad, he has my mum and he has his parents and he has whoever else is in his life that I don't know about. I don't... I..." How do I explain this without being a bitch?

"I don't want to know T. Unless something happens and... and you guys need my help or he needs my help but I just... I don't know. He might feel like he never chose to open up to me. That his head made that decision for him. So, don't tell me things about him because he's not giving you consent you know?"

"But you care?"

"He's... someone I will always care about."

"But just someone who you don't want to know anymore?"

I nod. I guess.

"Well, that's sad because how are we going to hang out? You can't come to me, I can't come to you because of Lue."

I roll my eyes. "T there is this thing called the outside."

"Pft it's dangerous outside."

I smile at that, amused. "You should cut down on the weed, paranoia is a side effect."

"So is happiness."

I laugh, shaking my head. "Paranoid happiness isn't healthy."

"That is not your decision to make." He laughs.

"Mm." I hum and we just sit there talking for a little while longer. I don't even know if he got the answered he needed. I don't know who won our little debate. But I don't feel like a wreck, so I don't think I lost it.

I step outside into the cold air, ready to start walking towards the little restaurant that Rayne said we would all meet at and Luella starts to ring me.

For some reason I felt so busy today. Like I went for lunch with my parents and then dad took me into the city to meet for coffee with Trev and now I was on my way to go and meet Rayne and this Jude. And then this Henry.

Scary.

Anyway, I pick up the phone.

"Please, please, please." She begs immediately.

There was this apartment. Flat. This home she wanted for us, but I was putting my foot down. No.

"Lue."

"Emersyn I can't go check it out, I am out of state. Please? It's the best I have found and it's so close to the uni, and even closer to the café and we know people there so we know we are safe. And the rooms are both big double and the living space is beautiful and it's spacious but sort of not too, so it'll be so cute and there's a step up to the kitchen and we each get a bathroom and there's room in our rooms for desks and everything but also there's room for a big table for us to-"

"Jesus Lue breathe."