53

The garden was pretty full of my family, and Lue, Trev and I were sat on my pool side, all of our legs in the water as we chatted about the fact Lue and I were leaving so soon.

Well we were going to drive to the airport tomorrow evening and then our flight was really early in the morning the next day.

"You know, you just came back and now you are going again. I feel like it's actually unjust."

Luella smiles at Trev, pressing a quick kiss to his shoulder and that even makes me smile.

"Don't act all sad, you've had Emersyn all-"

"Emersyn has stolen August from me, he stopped staying at the flat and she is now stealing you." Trev looks fast Lue to me and he sends me a glare. "And I liked you."

I just give him a small smile.

I was waiting for Rayne to be honest. I wasn't up for Trev's playfulness today.

Not that he's being playful, like he says this in a jokey way, but I don't spot a lie.

"I am sorry." I tell him truthfully and he frowns at me.

Lue turns to him. "Ignore her, she's just boy sad. We're working on it."

"Mm." I hum, kicking my legs gently in the water. "I really hope I packed everything important."

"We can find everything we need out there." She reminds me. "Like it'll be fine."

"Yeah I know, I am not worried. Are you?"

Luella shakes her head. "Not at all. I actually just feel like I need this so much."

"Yeah me too."

Luella's eyes dart behind me and she nods. "Um brother one and two have made an appearance."

My eyebrows shoot up and to my surprise, Ivy and Jackson and their three children are walking down the steps to enter into the garden.

My eyes immediately seek my mum's.

She's staring right at me, my dad at them and I shake my head. As in no, I didn't invite August, nor did I know he was coming. He said he wasn't.

My mum starts walking towards me and I mumble an 'oh gosh'. My dad heads towards them all. But just as my Dad starts walking towards them, August separates and he heads in our direction. I just jump my eyes between everyone like- Oh goodness.

I stand up and I walk the opposite way around the pool to meet my mum.

I thought it was more important.

But my eyes admittedly follow August and he just takes a seat beside Trev.

Like the balls he has to come here...I know for sure my dad has paid him visits. Visits that I am sure are not solely positive.

"Mum I swear-" I start and she just softens a little.

"Are you okay?"

I nod. "I am fine. It's just August."

She sighs. "Do you feel unsafe?"

"Because of him?" I ask.

My mum nods and I just look at her wide eyed. How many times do I have to tell her nothing was like that?

"Mum. I promise you. Nothing like that ever happened. I know I am vulnerable sometimes. But I know my worth enough to never let that happen. You brought me up-"

"Sweetheart it's not a cause of letting it happen, it just happens."

"I know. But it never ever did."

"You had bruises." She says.

"And I am pretty sure I must have blurted why."

She just turns to me. Her eyebrow raised.

"Mum this is personal. But I promise you any marks left on my body from him were not out of anything than affection. I understand what you are saying but I also understand consent and so does he. Believe me he does."

My mum looks at me and then she nods a little, watching me carefully.

"Why are you so defensive-"

"Mum because they are family." I breath. I reach for her hand and she pulls me to her side, my side leant to hers and we look over the garden. "Rayne is my family. Ivy and Jackson are my family. They have been since I was five. And August has always been a part of that family. God Dad loves him like a son mum."

I look up at her. "Things haven't ever been... simple or pretty with August and I. Ever since we met at that blimming park. But him rejecting me meant Ivy came over to you apologising because I was a mess and then Ivy brought dad in to see you all by accident but if it wasn't for August and I meeting that wouldn't have ever happend. And I am not trying to be all 'everything happens for a reason' mum but well I sort of truly do believe that."

Her attention is on him as August talks quietly to Trev.

"I do love that boy." I say gently. "I know I shouldn't, I know. But mum I do. And like that's fine, I will get over it, him. But our family. This unit you have created for me, us, with everyone. Dad's family, your family, our family made up of friendships. Please don't lose that because I had a messy summer."

My mum looks at me. "Emersyn I understand you love that boy but-"

"Mum it's okay." I say simply. "It's done."

"The way he's looking over here doesn't feel quite done."

I resist the urge to look up.

"Please don't ruin your friendship with Ivy and Jackson just because I fell for one of their sons. You guys all expected it to be Rayne, you can't blame me for falling for the other one."

"Well, I suppose Rayne wasn't really available." She laughs.

"Exactly." I smile. "Mum please, when I come back at Christmas all I will ever want is everyone to be okay. To have Christmas like we usually do, to have our Christmas eve party and to see family and friends and to just-"

"Okay Em." My mum says gently. "But you need to stay away from him today. It's not good for your mental health."

"Mum he- he's here. I have to say goodbye."

"For me. Please don't."

"Mum." I say a little shocked. "You can't seriously just expect me to ignore him."

"I do." She says. "I just- you are going away for months Em. Everything you just said to me makes perfect sense, it really shows me you are okay. That distance is working."

I see him every night, what does she even mean. She knows I see him.

"I just need to know you are going off to travel in this head space." Is all she says and she wraps me in a hug that I frankly do not reciprocate. Then she places a careful smile on her face and she goes and joins my dad, who is talking a little hotly with Ivy and Jackson.

My mum links her fingers with his and then I watch as she speaks.

And they all cool down considerably.

I look back at him and August is looking at me.

I take a step forward and then I pause.

He could have talked to me this week, in private. Now he's here.

I take a step back and lower my eyes.

But maybe he just wasn't ready to.

I lift my eyes again.

The inner debate is so utterly confusing I feel myself been torn, I feel myself sweating, I feel myself yearning for him, for his hands, his lips. I just want him close. It actually hurts.

But- like the way it makes me feel. That's the unstable part of me right? That's what they say. I am just confused.

I turn away and I head directly to the first person I see.

It's my nanny Roe. Dad's mum. I walk directly into her arms.

She has always spoilt me utterly rotten and physical affection is not necessarily her strongest trait. But she immediately wrapped her arms around me and she squeezed. And so I was taken over with her and to my other grandad, and I talked and told them everything about our plans. They wanted to hear it all. So I distracted myself with them.

And then I moved to my other grandparents and then I moved to my aunt and uncle and then I moved to my other aunt and uncle and all gave me some spending money so at least my pockets were filling even if my heart was draining.

Ha.

Oh goodness.

I tie my hair up, trying to get it off my back in this summer sun and I look around for Rayne. He's already looking and he gives me a smile.

I walk towards him and he doesn't really say anything, just excuses himself from Ivy and Jackson and he follows me inside. There were a few people chatting in here but as I head into the fridge to get myself a bottle of water the kitchen clears out.

"You seem sad Em." He says gently.

"It's just going away parties, they never feel very positive you know. It's always surrounded with a quiet sadness."

"It's not because August is here, and our parents are trying to do everything to keep you two apart?"

I close the fridge. "Ivy and Jackson feel the same way?"

Rayne nods. "They associate him coming off his meds with you."

I sigh. "He came off his meds because they make him feel weird. Not that it helped." I mumble and take a sip of the water. "Parents are hard work."

"They just think they know best."

"I have no idea if they do. It feels like they don't."

He smiles at me. "Hug?"

Yeah I guess so.

I wrap my arms around him and Rayne smiles and hugs me tightly but um, we step back pretty quickly.

He feels really bad about the August thing. Like really bad.

I just feel a little weird with it.

I feel like I am getting washed into believing everything with August was bad, but I don't really know what was bad.

I look up at Rayne.

"I am going to miss you."

He smiles. "Oh shush. Send me post cards."

"Well I will have internet, I'll just message and call-"

"Post cards as well though. It's fun."

"Okay." I laugh. "Post cards."

He nods. "Look let's not have an emotional goodbye." He decides.

"Oh?"

"Yeah like- I am still going to be here when you get back. It's going to be Christmas and we will do all our normal Christmas things and then you'll start school and it'll be a new year and everything will be fine."

"Okay." I smile. "Message me."

"Em." He laughs. "Of course."

A throat is cleared, and I close my eyes softly as Rayne snaps his head round to August's.

"I'll give you a minute." Rayne says and my eyes jump open.

"Wait no I-" I start. I wasn't allowed. I was eighteen years of age but I just wasn't allowed.

Fuck that. I let Rayne go.

August just stays by the kitchen entrance.

"You know that day when you spilt hot glue on your leg?"

When I saw his scars for the first time.

He's talking.

I swallow and nod.

"I felt this weird panic when I knew you were burnt. Usually that would amuse me. But I was wiping it off you before I even told myself to shove those guards back up and stay away."

I am going to faint.

He doesn't need to do this.

"August." I breathe and he takes a step forward, into the room and then he pauses again. Then he just sighs and comes towards me. I press myself closer back against the kitchen side.

"Then you saw my scars."

"Yeah I remember."

"And I was embarrassed."

I frown.

"I didn't once regard them as something you should feel ashamed about August."

"I know you didn't."

"Don't." I correct.

"August mate." My dad's voice makes us both jump, August takes a step back from me, even though he wasn't even close my mum and Ivy and Jackson are all stood at the doorway.

"Can we not." I say. "We're saying goodbye I don't-"

"Em leave it." August says and he starts to walk away from me, heading more towards the front door than the party.

"Leo." I call. "Please don't leave."

I look at our family. "Please don't be like this."

"We are only like this for your own good." My mum says gently.

"Mum you don't know-"

She cuts me off. "I do."

I heave a frustrated sigh and run a hand through my hair and my eyes go to his.

He is staring at me and then he looks back at them. "We are just talking, a conversation needs to be had. This isn't any of your business."

"Yes it is." My dad says. "August-"

August just blatantly ignores my dad, his parents and he slowly outstretched his hand for mine.

I look at my mum. "Emersyn no. We talked-"

What harm could a conversation do?

I just- do they not understand how much it hurts to miss someone the way I miss him?

They do understand. That's why it's confusing.

"August. Don't. Just go home." Jackson says gently.

August's hand falls.

He shakes his head at them.

"What do you think-" He shakes his head. "I am all over the place but I care about her- I am not going to hurt the girl."

My heart flips. There is so much pain in his voice.

"No one thinks you are going to hurt her." Jackson says quickly

"Isn't that actually exactly what you think though?" I say, shaking my head.

They all look shocked at my anger. "I am saying goodbye to my friend. I will come out. We were almost done."

August looks at me. A little shocked.

My dad has the same expression, my mum is just stressed, and I see her shake her head.

"Emersyn we talked-"

"And I listened. I will come out in a second."

My dad is the one that pulls everyone away.

I would thank him. But it seems inappropriate to.

"Saying goodbye huh?" August says.

I just stare as I watch them walk away.

"Can we go to yours? I want to talk but I feel as if I cannot breathe here."

August nods. Like immediately. I wonder if he feels the same.

And so instead of following my parents out into the garden like I promised. August and I walk in silence back to his.

August unlocks the front door and I follow him awkwardly into his kitchen.

"I miss you." Is the first thing I can think of saying when we both pause, when he turns to look at me.

A sigh falls between his lips. "I am not going to tell you I miss you too."

"I have learnt that that is your way of telling me."

August closes his eyes. For a second. He opens them.

"I have been impressed with your ability to not talk."

"I haven't really had much to say as of late."

"I am afraid that might be my fault." August says.

I shake my head. How could it be?

"So my brother told me what you did for him."

My eyes jump from the floor to him. To his eyes.

"Thank you. For making him feel safe when he needed it. For protecting him. For accepting him when he felt there was no one else to turn to."

My eyes searching his. Because although that was incredibly sincere, the way he said it, felt so detached, so much like strangers.

"August." I say. "Rayne explained the kiss to you I am sure."

He nods. "Explained."

"Yet you never came to talk to me."

"No I didn't."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to."

A small bitter smile lifts on my lips and I turn around, I turn around and look out their kitchen window, so I wasn't facing him.

"Why didn't you want to?"

"Because I am happy with this being done Emersyn."

My fingers clutch the kitchen side. "I am not though." I whisper.

"Not what?"

"Happy with loosing you."

There's a beat of silence and August sighs. He's right behind me. I can feel it, I could probably see his reflection in the window if I concentrated hard enough.

"I was mad." August says.

"I know." I breathe. "I would have been too."

"Because I assumed you just felt for me what you said- but then like that crumbled as soon as I saw you and him and I was so..."

"So what?"

"Hurt."

Shit.

I look down, my eyes on the counter. "But I didn't-"

"Whatever the actual meaning of that kiss was is besides the point. You have the ability to hurt me. Your lips were on someone else's and it fucked me off."

This doesn't feel like the way I imagined it feeling if he ever told me he shared the same feelings for me. This just hurts.

"But how could you just not immediately think it was an misunderstanding?" I wonder. "Do you think I could fake this? The way I look at you." I turn around. "The goose bumps on my skin. The way my heart quickens when you are near?"

"It crossed my mind."

"August, I care about you so much."

He closes his eyes a little and I push myself off the side, and I reach for his hand which he doesn't actually pull away this time.

"Shit if I saw you kissing another girl I would want to rip you apart. So I am sorry. So sorry. But-"

"It doesn't matter now." He whispers. "It's done Emersyn."

I look down. "It doesn't have to be."

"It does." August says. "God your parents-"

"Are too clouded by their own history to see that ours is different than theirs's."

August sighs and I am brought slowly to him, his arms circling my waist and I just press my head down in the crook of his neck, breathing him in, I don't care anymore. I hug him back.

I never meant to feel so much for him.

But I really do. And we just fit. We fit together in ways that others cannot see.

A soft index finger is pressed under my chin and my head is tilted upwards so my eyes would meet his.

"Why were you crying the other night? I need to know."

I let out a painfully amused exhale.

"Because I thought you weren't coming."

"I came."

"I know."

"I wish I didn't."

I close my eyes because it hurts me and August leans down, pressing his forehead onto mine and I reopen my eyes.

"August. I didn't mean it platonically."

A staggard breath leaves his lips, fanning against mine and I lift my hands to his face, his cheeks.

"I know you didn't."

I am on the verge of tears. I have cried more over the last week than I have ever.

Goodness.

"I am pleased you didn't." He whispers.

My eyes widened, his are closed, our faces so close and my heart thrums and soars at his words. Even if I could talk, I'm not even sure what more to say. There doesn't seem to be much left to say.

Thankfully, he leans in closer, pressing his lips to mine and the urge to fill the silence leaves me and I just kiss him. I kiss him softly, every ounce of emotion that's coursing through me being held back as our lips are almost hesitant. As if we haven't kissed before. As if this is the first time.

But it's not the first time and when August pulls me closer and his hands slide over my waist firmer, when our lips pull back for a second but immediately come together again, when his tongue touches mine for the briefest of seconds...I decide I can either burst into tears or I can put everything into this kiss. Everything I am feeling.

So I stop holding back. And I explode. Or well I kiss him. Holy shit I kiss him and August matches me, gentle at first but then unyieldingly hard. I open for him and his tongue snakes it's way to join mine. His hands sliding more around my back and I am pressed to him even harder, closing whatever space was left between us.

And I don't even really know what it is about him. Maybe it's the way that nothing else matters when we're talking, or how he can make me smile so fucking wide.

It could be the way he says the right thing at exactly the right time, or well frankly it's probably more because he doesn't. That he is so far from perfect that it drives me insane because I just don't care.

I don't care that I shouldn't be doing this.

I don't care when we detach, and August pulls me up the stairs behind him.

I don't care when we fall into his bed.

Because whatever this is, it means everything to me.

He just does.