I was at mum's gallery. Just writing, or reading, or making final plans and stuff for when we leave. We leave in a week.

It's scary but so exciting. Luella is coming here first, she needs to pack properly and get her passport and things. Her mother doesn't know she's going, she said she'd tell her if she sees her. But she would prefer to just get in and out of the house as quickly as possible.

Lue's dad is bringing her back here in a few days. I am so looking forward to seeing her again, I needed it. I missed her so much.

I was slightly miserable. I mean I was hugely miserable but honestly it did feel good to just get my head down and sort of collect myself again.

Like things feel settled.

I am just a lil sad.

But not a scary sad. Mum keeps watching me, even more concerned. Like my mood had bubbled down, like getting my head back into reading and writing, focusing myself on that, like I used to, sort of manages the way I feel. The way I feel that I have felt my whole life, I guess this summer I just stopped managing it.

They say it's hypermania. I just think it's me.

I don't know. But I do know I feel better. Mum and Dad are better. Mum is less stressed, just a little concerned about my mood. Dad is back to winding me up and not looking at me with those big brown eyes of concern.

And August is just out of my life.

It's only been less than a week since he stopped talking to me and we're fine, like when I saw him the other day with Rayne it was fine. It wasn't even awkward, he spoke to us, told Rayne he was heading out for the night, but he'd be back after midnight.

That made me feel sick. But like it was fine.

I don't think it's physically possible to explain this. Or to even miss someone the way I miss August right now and I know we don't even- we weren't even- I don't know what we were. But I just wish Rayne hadn't kissed me. I wish it just hadn't... we were so good. The night before.

Rayne told everyone.

He's okay. Actually he's happier than he has been in months. Literally he's a whole different person. He's my old, unburdened best friend and I love it.

But August still isn't talking to me.

Like he hasn't made any effort to tell me he now understands, and everything is fine.

I think it's because he knows as well as me that Luella and I are going away in a week, he knows that we had this strange understanding that whatever was going on with us would end at the end of the summer.

Which isn't what I want.

Obviously.

But I could never imagine August actually wanting to be with me properly.

But damn it I wonder if he was missing me too.

I was writing. I am inspired right now. It's not as fun as I thought it would be. To put it into words. I mean the writing is truthfully better. Just- it's not very fun.

Sadly, mum was looking at the time and flicking her eyes to me, so I assume she's about to kick me out.

She comes over.

"Sweet I have an art class here in ten minutes, are you staying or?"

I shake my head, looking up at her. "I assume I can't stay."

"You can't be typing away. But you can join in the class? Or you can go upstairs to the studio or you can-"

"Is dad at home?"

She shakes her head. "Will be for dinner, but not yet I don't think."

"I'll just go home and make some dinner up."

"You should stay, you show everyone up every class you attend anyway. It's nice to know what I say actually is listened to." She tells me.

I smile a little. "Didn't you just say last week that I don't listen to a word you say?"

She frowns. "About boys and mental health. But you take good instruction when painting."

I laugh at little and start collecting my things up, putting them away in my bag. "I am being good am I not?"

"Yeah Em." She says softly. "You just don't seem like you at the moment."

I try not to be bitchy.

It comes out bitchy anyway.

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

She frowns. "Emer-"

"Look it's fine, I um, ima go home."

"Stay for the class?" She says. "You can just sit at the back, you can put earphones in or whatever? We're doing water colour, and like nature and stuff, why don't you stay?"

"I thought you'd want me to go home and make dinner?"

"No stay." She says. "You're going in a week, I need to see your face."

I smile at that. Nodding. And I just put my stuff behind her desk and help her set up for the night, she does evening art classes. She's an amazing teacher, passionate, kind, helpful.

She gets lots of money from it as well.

I just sit at the back and try my best.

It's fine. I draw a butterfly. Then colour it in with paints.

It was sorta fun.

The evening passed quickly. Like before long it was midnight and I was sat up reading. It was nice at the moment, to read. Sort of.

Then Rayne phoned me.

"It's midnight." I say quietly. "Like mum and dad are asleep I can't-"

"August- he's...."

I sit up immediately. "Huh? What happened?"

"No. God, sorry no. No Em, he's fine. He's fine."

"Rayne." I sigh, god. My heart. "You can't-"

"Yeah I know sorry. He's just left the house and told me to ring you and say he'll be outside. That is all he said. I don't know what else to say other than that."

Fuck, what?

"Is he not okay?" I ask quickly, standing up out of my bed and making my way out of the window. "Has he seriously not replaced his phone yet?"

"He has. What even happened to his phone?"

Ha. Goodness.

"I dunno." I lie. "So what he's coming here?"

"I guess so." Rayne says. "I told him, like I told you, I told him, right?"

"Yeah but you just text me you didn't actually tell me."

"He called himself an idiot."

"Lowkey." I mumble and I quickly turn my light off.

I wanted to look out for him and him not be able to see me.

"He apologised to me."

"He did?"

"About that day, like this summer he said something I dunno, I can't remember. Apparently, you scolded the fuck out of him and he realises why now."

"Yeah."

I watch as a dark figure walks in front of my gate, I know he won't be able to see me in my dark room.

"I don't wanna talk to him." I say quietly.

"Yeah you do."

"I just- I..." I wasn't sure.

I missed his company. Everything. But I don't know if I should sort it out.

I promised I wouldn't talk to him anymore.

That I would create distance.

He had done that for me, us. He said it would be better for the both of us.

"I am gonna go out." I say quietly. "Um, talk to you later."

"Ring me after if you need me?"

"Oka."

I hang up and I look down out into the street and he's just leant against the lamppost.

Waiting.

He has something in his hand and so just with the assumption that it's a jumper for me I walk down the stairs and as quietly as possible I grab my keys and pull some shoes on.

I didn't bother to get changed or look in the mirror or try and wipe the paint off my skin from earlier.

I was going to wash in the morning. I was too lazy tonight.

I am so nervous. Like what if he's mad at me? I, for real, am not in the mood for this.

I just miss him.

I pull my door closed and he looks up, his eyes are cold. Not at all filled with any warmth for me.

But as I get close to him he holds out the hoodie for me.

In silence I take it and pull it on, shoving my phone and keys into my pocket.

We just look at each other.

"Aug-"

"No." He says immediately. "I have conditions."

I smile a little and nod.

"You are not allowed to talk."

I smile in gentle amusement and his eyes zero in on my mouth. "Or smile."

My smile grows and his sheer annoyance is literally radiating from him, he turns to leave.

"No sorry ok." I breathe.

My face is pretty straight. August turns back around.

"That's it. We're walking." He says and he reaches into his pocket and he pulls out his air pods and hands me one.

I just do what he said.

And I wait for him to say something else. I wait for him to talk to me, I wait for him to tell me off or well. more appropriately so, I wait for an apology about the Rayne situation.

None of that comes.

Instead, he turns on his music, placed his earphone in his ear and he starts walking.

And I just follow.

His music is simple, pretty chilled.

And we walk a lot. Like for an hour we just walk. We end up lying down on the beach.

I don't even have the usual urge to talk. I don't want to say anything to him.

I missed his presence. The way it feels just nice to simply be here.

So I don't say anything and neither does he. And it's a little weird and I don't know what the fuck it means.

But we do it again on Monday.

I spend the day with mum, working on myself and packing my stuff. I spend the day talking to Luella and making final plans.

And then August is outside my house at midnight.

And again no words are really exchanged.

And I don't understand why he's doing this. A little part of me wonders if it's because he feels the same, the distance. I wonder if he knows we need distance but it just fucking hurts.

It probably doesn't hurt him as much as it hurts me.

I doubt anyone is hellishly as sensitive as I am.

Tuesday. I spend the day helping my dad, we talk about the party coming up. I say it's hard to know what's right to do in terms of inviting my friends that I made this summer. I ask Luella. She feels the same. She says she loves her friends, like Phoenix and that. But she said something about it just seems backwards.

It's like somethings changed in her, and in me. Like I think I did enough of the teenage thing. I don't know. I just- need a break.

I see August again that evening.

Our hands brush.

He sighs.

And we lie on the golf course. He gives me his phone.

He has a new phone.

I pick the music. That's all that happens.

On Wednesday Luella comes back, it's fucking great. You don't understand. It's so nice for her to be back and she's absolutely back to my Lue and just as bold and sassy as always. But she seems... put together I don't know.

Mum and dad said she can stay with us until she goes.

So, she stays and as we lay in bed, I know August is outside.

I tell her.

She tells me to go. And I wish I could tell you I said no, that I ignored the boy and I spent the night with Lue.

But I leave.

August and I just walk to the beach, we sit, or well we lay. Listen to some music. No words are swapped again and I don't know whether to force him to talk to me. I just don't know how I even feel. But as I reached in the air and watched as the light on the moon makes my skin appear moonlike white, August lifts his hand and he brushes his fingers against my hand, my skin.

Just gently, just a little, but when our hands fall down together, he links our fingers.

I was the one to make a move to go home this night. For Lue. We walk back our hands together.

It sorta hurts more than it does comfort.

On Thursday mum stops me before I see August. She walks out into the hall at the same time I do. They know. She says she's going to go out and tell him to go away. I plead for her not to. She holds my hand and shows me the fact the bruises on my wrists are still not gone.

I say I thought she understood.

She says she understands too well. That she is going to tell him to go. That she is disappointed that he's here, that that's where I've been going in the middle of the night.

Apparently the fact that we don't talk is not comforting to her.

I go back to Lue and she watches me concerned as I try not to fucking cry.

On Friday he just comes later.

And for some reason when I see he's outside at three in the morning I burst into tears. Luella is asleep. We're all packed up. We go next Tuesday.

I cry because I thought he wasn't coming.

And when I go downstairs and creep out, he wipes the tears that were still falling. But we don't fucking talk. We just- walk.

Until the morning. Like we don't even go back. We just watch the sunrise until his phone dies.

And the silence is heavy as we walk home.

'Are you coming to the party?' I asked.

He shook his head.

The going away party. For Luella and I. On Sunday.

And he dropped me home and I just walked inside. My parents were up. They looked at me, I looked at them. They shook their heads at me.

I tried to get them to understand.

That it's just us needing the comfort that the other brings. I tell them that he needs me. That I need to see him.

They tell me you should never need anyone.

I just want them to understand.

That he shakes. That he startles so easily. That he doesn't sleep. That he won't admit it, but he needs someone to spend the night with him so he doesn't spiral.

They say that it's not my job. I say that they wouldn't say that about Rayne.

My dad goes over there.

I don't know what is said but August comes again the next day too. Anyway.

And that Saturday, that August night, I fall asleep on the beach, my head leant against his shoulder. He just stays still.

Then he walks me home.

I asked if he was going to speak to me again?

He said he'd see me tomorrow.

At least he spoke right?

Right.